Yup, I knew it. I jinxed it. She puked on me. LOL*sigh* poor girl.
I posted this blog and thought I would add it here, since it has to do with weight loss.
For Therapy
My homework assignment for this week was to write about everything that was bothering me. I feel that there are several different categories, so I will write as follows:
1) Weight/Body Image
2) Relationship with Dan
3) Stepson
4) Fitness forum
5) Relationship with Patti
These are the big ones. I may decide to add more as I write.
Section 1 – Weight/Body Image
There has never been a time that I have felt thin. Or pretty. When I lost weight after I had Benjamin, I guess I did feel good. My goal back then was to get to 110 pounds. I got as close as 114. I couldn’t maintain it, though. I ended up gaining back at least 6 pounds. Looking back now, I was mighty happy when I got down that low. I never reached my goal weight of 110. Not sure I ever will with the way I am eating.
I eat for several reasons: stress (good or bad), it’s time to eat, feel like I should have something. God knows I have enough stress (mostly bad) at the moment. Between the kitchen, my flirting with men online, the fitness forum, the stepson issue…all of that combined really stresses me out. And I feel really discouraged about the way I have been eating. I haven’t eaten 1500 calories or less all week. The closest I got was yesterday and I consumed 1754 calories. I just feel like I can’t control anything. I wish I could just eat what I should in order to maximize my weight/fat loss efforts. Unfortunately for me, I do not like a lot of the health foods that are out there. Yogurt, cottage cheese, oatmeal, seafood, humus…all those things I cannot swallow. I wish I could. I go through periods where I try things again, in hopes that perhaps my palate has changed, but it’s always the same outcome: I gag.
So far today, I have eaten a turkey club wrap and apple dippin stix. I ate one saltine cracker just now. For lunch, I will eat a salad and then after my cardio workout, I will have my protein bar. I want to have chicken for dinner, but I really don’t want to use my oven, since it burns everything. But that is another section. What I would like to have is chicken (skinless, boneless) with rice cooked in lowfat chicken broth, and some green veggie. We shall see. Perhaps I will anyway. I know that is healthy. But I also know that b/w now and then, I will get really hungry and will want something I shouldn’t have. Thankfully, the boys took the oatmeal crème pies to school today, so they are gone. I could have chocolate pudding. I will check on the cals and perhaps save that for a late afternoon snack.
As far as my body issue goes, I hate everything about it. A friend of mine asked me yesterday, “what do you like about your body?” I honestly had to stop and think. I decided on my hands. They are my mom’s hands and I think they are nice. Of course, I drive myself nuts with my rings. If they aren’t loose I start to panic. Likewise, if I get to a certain number on the scale, I freak.
Starting at the top this is what I see when I look in the mirror:
~ Head – hair is ok; eyes are nice; face could be prettier
~ Shoulders and chest – could be more toned and bust could be bigger
~ Waist – could be smaller and it would be nice not to have to suck it in all the time in order to make it look smaller
~ Hips and stomach – waaay too much fat on them. Really need a tummy tuck or lipo.
~ Legs and butt – could use a lot more toning
~ Feet – too big
So you see, I’m not happy with anything. Now, granted a lot of the things that I see as being gross could be dealt with by working out and eating clean. The working out isn’t the problem. I work out 5 days per week. At least an hour at a time, sometimes close to 2 hrs, depending on how long I’m on cardio and if I do the total gym routine. It’s the eating. It’s always the eating.
Food is evil. Just plain bad. I feel guilty when I eat, even good stuff. I have, however, managed to change from eating until I’m stuffed to eating until I’m satisfied. A huge change. I eat on smaller plates (about the size my kids eat on) and it usually does the trick.
All of this leads to lack of self confidence and lack of self worth. I constantly critique myself and my appearance. When I’m in line at the grocery store, think about what I’m putting on the belt and what others think of my choices. When I’m out in public, I have to look good…hott even. I want to be noticed. I want to turn heads. I want whistles and looks.
My “motto” or constant thought is: “I’m not good enough”. It sucks living like this. I don’t want my kids – especially Victoria – to grow up feeling this way. And speaking of her, I think it’s pretty sad that when I look at her, I wish I had her body. She’s THREE! I’m almost thirty –two! What is wrong with me? But she has a pretty flat stomach and a cute little butt. I wish I had that and I’m jealous that I don’t.
I’m afraid that when she gets older, she will have the same issues that I have and they will cause her to have an eating disorder. That’s not what I want….for her. I really wish a lot of the time that I was Anorexic. At least I would be thin.
Just now, I looked down at my thighs and instantly thought, “Ewww….gross…flabby…fat…”
I think that’s it for the weight/body image portion…I may add more later….
