My Online Weight Journal - comments welcome

OK we ALLL know, including you, that thats not true. We all have fat moments. In fact I'm having one right now...but its usually based on what I just ate. ;) Cheer up, your feelings are temporary and decieving
 
If you are fat, then I'm a whale.

You're just having a bad day. You'll get back to feeling better soon.
 
We'll see. I'm pretty discouraged right now. And sheri, I haven't gotten ur email yet...

Today's food (as of 10am):

B: banana
 
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I caved the past two days and ate out, so don't feel bad. I have no clue what's gonna be for lunch..but I have a feeling it's not gonna be good.
 
caved again and had cheese-its before lunch. but then I just ate a turkey club wrap and it was sooo good. I added more turkey to increase the protein.
 
My lunch was better than I expected. I actually stayed home and had a grilled cheese sandwich. MMMMMMMM...it was sooo good.

Now I have to figure out what my snack is going to be. What to have, what to have??? Already had cc, cheese stick and pb for my morning snack.
 
Should have had a protein bar for my snack but ended up having wheat thins instead, but on a positive note, they're baked, not fried...:D I also had the recommended amount, only 16 crackers.
 
Supper was good. Can't beat meatloaf. OMG, I was so hungry and starving that even after waiting 20 minutes, I still went for seconds, but only went for the meatloaf and rice. Probably should have had the meatloaf and veg for seconds.
 
Well, I came a bit closer to the target # of cals today: 1785. I still went over. My dinner consisted of about 20 tater tots and a salad. I know, I could have done without the tater tots. I should have stuck with my original plan: salad with turkey club wrap. They just looked and smelled so good. I didn't however have the hotdogs everyone else had. OMG. I have been sooooo thirsty since my workout. I've been guzzling water ever since.

Now my dtr is sick. :( I thought it was just a cold, but the minute we got home from an errand tonight, she pukes. :( Here's hoping tomorrow she will feel better....
 
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my fam had hotdogs too. YUCK. I obviously didn't. I sypathize with your tator tot splurge. Those things are YUMMERS...thats why I don't buy them :)
 
Thanks guys. I hate to jinx things, but she seems ok right now. She only threw up once last night. We'll see.

Just had breakfast: turkey club wrap. I was going to have eggs, but I have no clean pots to do them in...and it's hard to wash dishes w/o a sink or dishwasher. So I settled for the wrap. I'm so tired. I have to stop staying up so late. Although I went to bed a little earlier last night.

Will do a half hour of cardio later today. Hope it will be a good one.
 
Yup, I knew it. I jinxed it. She puked on me. LOL*sigh* poor girl. :(

I posted this blog and thought I would add it here, since it has to do with weight loss.

For Therapy

My homework assignment for this week was to write about everything that was bothering me. I feel that there are several different categories, so I will write as follows:

1) Weight/Body Image
2) Relationship with Dan
3) Stepson
4) Fitness forum
5) Relationship with Patti

These are the big ones. I may decide to add more as I write.


Section 1 – Weight/Body Image

There has never been a time that I have felt thin. Or pretty. When I lost weight after I had Benjamin, I guess I did feel good. My goal back then was to get to 110 pounds. I got as close as 114. I couldn’t maintain it, though. I ended up gaining back at least 6 pounds. Looking back now, I was mighty happy when I got down that low. I never reached my goal weight of 110. Not sure I ever will with the way I am eating.
I eat for several reasons: stress (good or bad), it’s time to eat, feel like I should have something. God knows I have enough stress (mostly bad) at the moment. Between the kitchen, my flirting with men online, the fitness forum, the stepson issue…all of that combined really stresses me out. And I feel really discouraged about the way I have been eating. I haven’t eaten 1500 calories or less all week. The closest I got was yesterday and I consumed 1754 calories. I just feel like I can’t control anything. I wish I could just eat what I should in order to maximize my weight/fat loss efforts. Unfortunately for me, I do not like a lot of the health foods that are out there. Yogurt, cottage cheese, oatmeal, seafood, humus…all those things I cannot swallow. I wish I could. I go through periods where I try things again, in hopes that perhaps my palate has changed, but it’s always the same outcome: I gag.
So far today, I have eaten a turkey club wrap and apple dippin stix. I ate one saltine cracker just now. For lunch, I will eat a salad and then after my cardio workout, I will have my protein bar. I want to have chicken for dinner, but I really don’t want to use my oven, since it burns everything. But that is another section. What I would like to have is chicken (skinless, boneless) with rice cooked in lowfat chicken broth, and some green veggie. We shall see. Perhaps I will anyway. I know that is healthy. But I also know that b/w now and then, I will get really hungry and will want something I shouldn’t have. Thankfully, the boys took the oatmeal crème pies to school today, so they are gone. I could have chocolate pudding. I will check on the cals and perhaps save that for a late afternoon snack.
As far as my body issue goes, I hate everything about it. A friend of mine asked me yesterday, “what do you like about your body?” I honestly had to stop and think. I decided on my hands. They are my mom’s hands and I think they are nice. Of course, I drive myself nuts with my rings. If they aren’t loose I start to panic. Likewise, if I get to a certain number on the scale, I freak.
Starting at the top this is what I see when I look in the mirror:
~ Head – hair is ok; eyes are nice; face could be prettier
~ Shoulders and chest – could be more toned and bust could be bigger
~ Waist – could be smaller and it would be nice not to have to suck it in all the time in order to make it look smaller
~ Hips and stomach – waaay too much fat on them. Really need a tummy tuck or lipo.
~ Legs and butt – could use a lot more toning
~ Feet – too big

So you see, I’m not happy with anything. Now, granted a lot of the things that I see as being gross could be dealt with by working out and eating clean. The working out isn’t the problem. I work out 5 days per week. At least an hour at a time, sometimes close to 2 hrs, depending on how long I’m on cardio and if I do the total gym routine. It’s the eating. It’s always the eating.
Food is evil. Just plain bad. I feel guilty when I eat, even good stuff. I have, however, managed to change from eating until I’m stuffed to eating until I’m satisfied. A huge change. I eat on smaller plates (about the size my kids eat on) and it usually does the trick.
All of this leads to lack of self confidence and lack of self worth. I constantly critique myself and my appearance. When I’m in line at the grocery store, think about what I’m putting on the belt and what others think of my choices. When I’m out in public, I have to look good…hott even. I want to be noticed. I want to turn heads. I want whistles and looks.
My “motto” or constant thought is: “I’m not good enough”. It sucks living like this. I don’t want my kids – especially Victoria – to grow up feeling this way. And speaking of her, I think it’s pretty sad that when I look at her, I wish I had her body. She’s THREE! I’m almost thirty –two! What is wrong with me? But she has a pretty flat stomach and a cute little butt. I wish I had that and I’m jealous that I don’t.
I’m afraid that when she gets older, she will have the same issues that I have and they will cause her to have an eating disorder. That’s not what I want….for her. I really wish a lot of the time that I was Anorexic. At least I would be thin.
Just now, I looked down at my thighs and instantly thought, “Ewww….gross…flabby…fat…”

I think that’s it for the weight/body image portion…I may add more later….
 
LMAO...thanks. She has me write every once in a while. I told her I always feel like I'm in a rush when I see her bc there are so many things I want to get on the table. Not half of which get out there. I said that if I were to write everything down that bothered me, it would be pages and pages. She told me to do it. So that's the first part of it.
 
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