Mel Def's Journal

Still no upper body work with this chest pain but hit legs again! Did the interval circuit high intensity thing again which was fun, something different and so totally NOT A DRAG. IT was burning on the bike and along with legs worked in lots of ab work. I did too many decline crunches and damn if I didn't get a blister on my tail bone again. Yeowch.

I think my legs are slimming down! Woo. I hope so. Those high intensity cardio stints are so much more fun! I manage to keep my heart rate up for them in the mid 150's to mid 160's and then when I hit the wieghts the HR stays elevated. That must burn more fat. Plus I am completely worn out by the end of it. I push til I can't any more.

Being good on the eating and back to the normal diet with no ****amamie plans and skipping meals. 6 meals, evenly spaced, morning starch. I don't know who those lucky people are that don't have to follow that tedious plan but it sure aint me. I am down under danger weight. In fact, I was down 5 lbs this AM. Surely much of that was water but made my mind feel better.

Sticking to one serving of dairy a day too. It works and I am going to be OK if I just follow the rules.
 
Hardly slept last night I was in so much pain sooooo ended up going to get my chest xrayed and looked at to see WTF?!

The good news is nothing is too serious... prednisone, muscle relaxers and ibubrofen are now in play. NO upper body strain for 5 days. :( This means squats with a bar o a Smith or even dumbbells too.

No squatting for 5 days makes me a little hysterical. I will have to figure good substitutes though if I want to heal and get better. I worry about losing ground, momentum, strength... but it will be OK. Heck maybe I will get a little muscle growth from the rest on my upper body. Still will do cardio and non stressing stuff but since I don't want to make it worse I will be careful.

Keep diet careful and cut back even further perhaps. We shall see. Sleepy. Good night.
 
Careful with the prednisone Mel. That stuff made me want to stay in bed for days!

BTW - I really enjoy reading your journal, especially because you always note your weaknesses and solutions to overcome them. This is real life and you bring that to the table. I really admire that a lot.
 
I hope you feel better Mel. Get some R&R and used that time to charge up and come out roaring again afterward.
 
~LV~ said:
Careful with the prednisone Mel. That stuff made me want to stay in bed for days!

BTW - I really enjoy reading your journal, especially because you always note your weaknesses and solutions to overcome them. This is real life and you bring that to the table. I really admire that a lot.
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Thats very nice of you to say! Makes me feel very good.

So I have been amiss lately... trying to get ready for the merger and training at work, the stupid injury which still isn't fully back to normal, ack. Off my game for the last 3 days. Off schedule, trying different things nutrtion wise that SUCKED, NOT making it to the gym 2 days in a row which makes me feel like crap on a stick, on and on I could go... So fresh and clean this morning I start!

I forget how much I enjoy morning cardio when I get past the "OMG, this bed feels nice and warm I don't wanna go..." bit. All the people who are committed to lifelong fitness are there and it feels tribal. My gym isn't a bodybuilders gym at all. Mostly endurance athletes and older people keeping off the pounds but I like it and it feels homey in the morning. I fought the temptation to have a bad attitude about some rather poor eating things I have done and the mean scales telling of the story and gave it my all.

10 minutes on the Versaclimber to start- keeping the HR up around 150 and then cybex for 33 minutes with HR around 140-150. So I didn't blow it out but after my horrible eating last night that I can't even bring myself to think about much less confess, I didn't feel all that wonderful. OK. I felt like a bloated whale. Ha. I get so self concious. So baggy A Shirt and leggings this AM. :) Going to have to get this crap out of the system before the regular gear comes back on. Moving forward. That's the past.

Exciting is that next week when I stay at the hotel for training I will use the nice gym there in the AM and PM and not have my kids so workout as much as I want! It will be like a workout vacation! I get to indulge in my selfishness ALL week long! Woohoo!

I am going to continue laying off upper body since it still hurts. More cardio and some Tabata type leg training with step ups and body squats and pop squats worked into the leg press, lying curl and the ab ad machine.
 
Hit the gym again last night after work for another bout of cardio. This time keeping HR between 135-150 so moderate. Didn't have much time before needing to pick up the kids so I squeezed in what I could knowing that Gaby's meet would tie up Saturday. And it SURE did. It is great to watch her and see her excel athletically. I am excited for her to have the sort of athletism and drive that I came to so late. She is going to use that drive and focus in every aspect of her life to come! And now Chan too! She loves gymnastics and is excited to perfect her "cupcake". I don't know what sort of move this "cupcake" business is, but Chan is confident that she is spot on with hers. :D

Now back to me, me, me... but this is moy journal so that's all right. :)

The backs of my legs and butt feel squishy. Surely I couldn't have lost all muscle tone in 4 days of no leg training but I feel anxious. I know tomorrow I am going to hit them hard, although at the hotel this week with the gym a elavator ride away, I know I will make up for lost time.

I have a line on some weighted pants! haha. I am nuts but these pants look cool. I train in those, next month when I run the Komen I will smoke everyone. hehehe. Well not. But it's nice to picture it. Is spending 99 bucks on a pair of weighted pants wise? I looked up the question pants v. the vest and somebody had asked on Yahoo Answers but just said the vest was better but with no reason. That's the sort of answer best left unsaid. What a dip.

If my fat is concentrated on my lower body, it stands to reason that slapping some resistance on it is going to be a better choice. The vest is cheaper though. Thinking...

Been good on my eating. No falling off the deep end after the Thursday episode of :Girls Gone Wild... in the Pantry". I sure am glad that I don't have a closed circuit television in my kitchen. That would have been some serious blackmail material. I don't know why I get so crazy but it sure makes me feel AWFUL for such a long time. My system is still not up to normal...

Valuable lessons were learned... one thing is eat the oats in the morning even if everyone else needs to eat starch around their workout. That does not work for me. I am hungry and crazed all day if I haven't had my oats and if I have them after it sends me spiraling into food mania suitable for reality TV. When I was fat, I never binged like I do now. I can throw down 3000 calories easily in the course of 30 minutes. I am not kidding. Its probably even more. Something in me just snaps and I feel like if I don't eat all I can I will go nuts. It hurts my stomach and everything, physically and emotionally. It is painful and I feel such shame and the worst part.... NOT IN CONTROL.

That is why I do what I do. To maintain control over myself and habits. That gives me feelings of power and I will say it, smug satisfaction that I can do something that most people can't. That's right. They CAN'T. Because they come up with a 1000 reasons why they can't and so when and if they ever do make up their minds they can. But until they do, it's me and a select few that can lift the weight, run fast, stand the burn of that last few reps of "teeth gritting, tears popping in the corner of the eyes, omg, Im gonna throw up" pain and then a few seconds later saying to myself that it wasn't so bad and maybe I can get one more set. I like being THAT person. So everytime I screw it up, I am getting right back in there and digging in to find THAT person again. It won't matter how many times I falter, I will keep getting up and back to it until I am no longer of this earth. That is what you find out about yourself when you face pain or tragedy or heartbreak or disappointment- that is the beautiful and best part.

OK. So now that I said all that stuff, I want the vest AND the pants. I shall have to get someone to film me running in that get up. Har.
 
I used to hike with at 20 lbs vest... Wow, 20 lbs makes a big difference. Never really thought about wearing both pants and vest, good concept but isn't it difficult to wear pants and run vigorously?

Wow, keeping your heart rate between 130-150 is moderate for you? Dang, that is difficult for me. How is the transformation coming along? How much do you weight / bf% nowadays?
 
tic said:
I used to hike with at 20 lbs vest... Wow, 20 lbs makes a big difference. Never really thought about wearing both pants and vest, good concept but isn't it difficult to wear pants and run vigorously?

Wow, keeping your heart rate between 130-150 is moderate for you? Dang, that is difficult for me. How is the transformation coming along? How much do you weight / bf% nowadays?
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Transformation is stalled. :) My weight remains about the same- 136 but this week I am smooth and unimpressive to be sure. Women have the trouble of hormonal imbalances that make it so variable and I have had the injury and work stuff so my focus has been else where. I have come a very long way but at this moment it feels like I am on square one. GOD is putting opportunities and paths out there for me, I know that when the time comes I will be ready. I feel sure of that. Thanks for asking!
 
Well day 2 at the hotel... not a good gym here as was thought by photos but good enough for morning cardio and 2 blocks away a bigger gym I managed to weasel a pass for. Getting it done!

This is tough week for diet, I am having to be very strict as the choices are limited but am managing and went out tonight and bought 18 HB eggs to eat the whites as snacks while everyone else fills their soft unhealthy bodies with the glutton's delights. hahahha. Don't I sound preachy? It's getting me through the times. So tired. Must go to sleep. More tomorrow. One thing, worked shoulders, back and bis and tris. Hit chest with 2 sets, got nervous and stopped. I dont' want to have a recurring injury and it finally feels good! Hooray!

Must take pics of the legs! They are coming along. :)
 
Yay me... and YAY Brandibeth and LV for keeping me to task. Yes, after a LOOOONNNNNG Day of meetings and being cooped up in a room learning so much my brain is fried, I didn't feel much like working out at the pretty crappy gym 2 blocks down the street. It was raining, cold and gloomy and because this hotel has been rolling out really mouth watering food on the buffet and in the conference all day long and I haven't had one single bit of it except the lovely salad bar ( the lettuce, a couple of cherry tomatoes when I am feeling rebellious and vinegar) and the good grilled chicken, I was feeling unmotivated. Well downright hungry and deprived if you want to know the truth.

All my unhealthy cohorts down so many amazing looking snacks, candies and total gourmet meals... it is hard going at times. I have relied heavily on Splenda to carry me through and the 15 types of herbal tea they offer. :) If I ever decide to go on a rampaging binge I am heading for this hotel. Yep.

I haven't slept well in 2 days and have been pushing hard at the gym 2 times a day since coming. My legs feel like logs. So all this added together made me want to lay on my bed and order room service and forget to tell them not to add anything that would taste good ( butter, oil, seasoning, salt, etc, a roll) and put aside my dream for a night.

But I didn't. I went to the gym. I did the GOD AWFUL cardio. I did the weighted crunches. I did the deep wide leg squats. I came back and ate the salmon and tiny portion of steamed veggies and I feel GOOD!

I hope I sleep well tonight. I am getting so tired of the tossing and turning and feeling like my legs are going to fall off. It is going to feel good to get back to my house and sleep well!


I am being very disorganized at the gym but it can't be helped. This is mainly a social gym and people like to gather around the weight areas and chat. Ugh. There is a lot of scoping meat market activity going on and people hogging the equipment, not racking weights and generally doing all the things to the 10th power that irk me. Whatever machine or exercise I have in mind is in play in one of those activities so I have had to rethink the workout each time I go. Tomorrow AM I will do cardio here at the ala 1987 gym at the hotel and deal. :)

So complain, complain... still got er done and for that I feel amazing. Now if I can get my legs to stop being sore and still build muscle...
 
So, officially sick of being at the hotel. I did do cardio this AM for 40 minutes in the ala Flashdance gym here at the hotel. I cannot wait to get back to my gym. I miss my people, my equipment, my shoes that don't cause a blister, my bed that I actually sleep in. This has been practice in appreciation for all I have but pride that I can make do in sub par fitness conditions.

I LOVE my new company and am very excited about all the possibilities but being out of pocket all week, having my bank partners sending me urgent customer leads and not being able to do my normal stuff has made me NUTS.

I want to cry but am trying to focus on the good and positive of which there is much! I am so lucky to be where I am and all the things going on make me stronger and able to handle that much more in the future... but I feel very lonely and isolated this week and it is taking its toll on me. Breathe deep It is almost over. I am letting fear and panic take possession and that is a waste. It will all be fine and I am going to be home and back in action tomorrow! YES!

I plan on leaving here and going to the gym after I get home and then working on emails and sorting through how to handle Monday and my back in the office plan.

I am going full throttle on back and chest and bi's and tri's tomorrow. The chest is feeling good and while I will stick to BW only stuff for direct work I am back on the plan. Supposed to go see Roc and Gina on Saturday so I need to call them. I need to head down the paths even if I don't know how I will get to the end. It will work out if I just start.
 
Theres nothing harder than staying on track when your away/taken out of your element.

It's very admirable that your still getting your workouts in.
 
OK... so accentuate the positive. I am having a "growth" expirience. AKA I am going through a s**tstorm of personal, professional, internal and external change. I can't say I am enjoying it. At all. I did go to the gym and do upper body today! Good for that. I have managed to remain just above feeling sorry for myself to the point of being destructive but I dip down every now and then and tears squeeze out of my leaky eyes. I have life lines, this I know. It isn't easy for anyone, but today I have a headache, the weather is yucky and I just have to keep trudging through it.

So, I count all the positive things! Yes, there are some- in fact MANY. My floor is mostly in and looks BEAUTIFUL. I got to work out at my gym with normal people ( although the man with the moobs was having a "coffee clatch" with Mr. Cheezeball down in the dungeon and I have to tiptoe and turn sideways when I wanted the tweener weights, so ANNOYING), I am finished with my work training and have LOTS of time this weekend to work on how to tackle all the calls and work stuff come Monday, I have peace and quiet and serenity, I have some wonderful friends who when I call them and cry and fuss they remind me that I am loved and respected deeply and why don't I give myself an break?! I am my own worst enemy and I know it.

So, breaking out of my shell- stick in the mudness and going to pull up my bootstraps. I did very well nutrtion and exercise wise this week- not perfect but definitely put in some excellent effort on both counts. I have done well today and am learning lots from my PN material. John Berardi is smart and what stood out the most to me was that consistency, above all, is what matters. I don't need to reinvent the nutrition wheel, I just need to follow the right macros and cals and let it work out. I did not hear from Gina and Roc but I will and in the meantime I am capable of training myself and I do see good results. When I get training it will be at the right time.

I need to focus on work and getting that down for now since without good income there can't be any training. My finances are for s**t right now and I have to pay attention to that.

I have no control on someone else's mood and just need to be empathetic. People do the best they can and if I can't give them love and support, I can't expect it for myself.

I don't know how fitness minded this journal is but really it is nice to get out my feelings since they are so tied to why I love building my body, mind and spirit. As Jay Bird reminded me today, tough times don't last but tough people do. I am tough as nails and good times are ahead. A-men.
 
Yesterday was EXCELLENT workout and food wise. I was a good girl.

1 hour of cardio 15 of it intervaled in with the leg work. Squats.... 10x10's with a follow up of 1 final to failure. Heart rate stayed in the 135- 165 range for my whole workout except the break between the leg work/interval and the 45 minutes of straight full out cardio. Other stuff... aductor, extensions, hack squats... Giant sets 4x12's.

Ate the oats AFTER the workout. Following Berardi's guidance about carbs and only eating starch after a workout. Consistency is key as he says and I will measure my results after following that.

Soooo... today I did not workout since I was drowning to catch up at work which means no starch. That is a sad plight for me. My how I love my oats. Oh well, there will be tomorrow- and I will be doing cardio back and chest. My lats are getting better which is wonderful and my waist is down .5 inch. I'm an animal about ab work. I do everything to the point of my eyes popping out almost. What I lack in skill is definitely made up for in enthusiasm. :) What is different now from when I started is that I connect that contraction.

Instituted a daily routine for the morning which will be 100 SB crunches or floor work or Hanging Leg Raises or any combo thereof, 2x30 Bridges and 50 pushups. Haven't done the Pushups yet today. Not in the mood but I will.

This week

Tuesday- Back and Chest with 1 hr cardio
Wednesday- Hams and Glutes with 45 of cardio
Thursday- Biceps, Triceps, Shoulders with 1 hour cardio
Friday- Legs with 45 minutes cardio
Saturday- 1 hour cardio and whatever needs attention.
Sunday- Light leg workout with 1 hour cardio

Let's see what happens. Gosh I can't wait to shave another inch off the waist.
 
How can I wake up at 4:15 AM and still run out of time in the morning? I wish sleep were optional. Have done 1 set of bridges and 50 reps of ab work this AM. Today I WILL get out of the office by 4:30 since Gymnastics is scheduled for Gaby. Ha. I have my workout stuff at the ready, the kids snacks made for the gym and a Nalgene bottle in the fridge. Totally prepared.

I ate cottage cheese last night. I know full well that it makes me bloat but darn it tastes good. Bloat is temporary but I don't like a soft abdomen. Discouraging. Not sure if I want to eliminate dairy yet or not. I feel SURE that the trainer will call me soon. Undoubtedly they will tell me to drop dairy so I might as well eat it while I can. Fruit is no problem to give up but lovely dairy is tough.

Monster workout today-I will give it all I got. Doing the Creatine again. I added that in on Sunday and it did seem to help with my cravings if not particularly with strength. Endurance I was all over but strength- well I wasn't all that. I have to lift heavy to stimulate some days and knock out of the comfort zone. So funny what my mind sees as an obstacle compared to others. I get scared squatting heavy. Afraid I will hurt my back and it inhibits my going heavier. Lighter I squat deeper and contract harder so I feel it probably evens out. If I overcompensate when lifting heavy, what in the devil will I get out of that? It's a quandary fer sure. I have a strong core but I guess it needs to get stronger so I don't feel vunerable.

BACK heavy and chest light. I am not going to aggravate what happened quite yet. Dumbells as opposed to O Bar for chest. That should keep me safe.
 
~LV~ said:
Mel, are you training for another show?
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Training yes... for a show... yes. But when, I just don't know. I don't have confidence to do it by myself. I need a butt kickin trainer who will hold me more accountable. I want to WIN- Ok be in the top 3. I can get myself about 10 weeks out prep wise but those last 10 need some whoopin' I can't give myself. I need a trainer who will make me cry atleast once a week to be dialed in as needed. You know what I mean?

I dont' see how I could be ready for the MAy show I was shooting for. I believe if it is to be that the path will present itself. I am open to it.

I won't stress about it too much because I am seeing changes and development. This has become a lifestyle as opposed to a finite goal-a living breathing transformation. I love that. BUT I turn 40 this year and by golly if that isn't reason to get on that stage, I dont' know what is. :) SO send good vibes that Roc Shabazz grants me an appointment.
 
Workout for back and chest was extensive tonight but I wasn't feeling connected. I didn't get into the groove I have for the last few times so a little disappointed but I worked up a good sweat so that counts for something. Just the thought of getting to eat oats kept me moving. Ha.

I don't know if dairy or creatine is doing it but I felt FAT tonight. Puffer belly. Yuck. I am going to stick out this creatine thing for atleast 3 weeks but I am skeptical about what I will get out of it. Of course since I want to eat cottage cheese and yogurt I am in denial of it being the culprit but I know it could well be a source of blobbiness. How come I have defined abs with loose skin on it? Very frustrating. Well the dairy is almost gone. I shan't buy it for this coming up week and see if I look more cut and wonderful. Mustn't think in deprivation terms although I do get a bit sick of dried out ground turkey and broccoli. Sometimes I miss nutrition ignorance when I thought protien bars were "health" food. Mmmm-hmm. I would love a big ole Met Rx right about now. Healthy food is wonderful, heck who would have thought that oatmeal would make me salivate like it was chocolate cake?

So tomorrow I will do better. That's all that can be done. I am getting through this s**storm at work one step at a time and I will manage. It will be messy and mistake laden but it will make me that much better and stronger. Hang in there cuz you were cut out to do the hard stuff. Leave the easy for the amateurs.

So not buying... almond or peanut butter and not dairy. This place will be a monastery of plain food. I remember last time I cleaned house I even broke down and would swig flax oil. There is no helping me. Well there is but someone needs to boss me around and make me feel guilty. Maybe flat out tell me I need to do MORE legwork or look like a cow. Oh dear. Call me fat and see me fall apart. Heh. Sleepy. Good night and get up and do your bridges and ab work in the AM like a good girl.
 
Wow, kids, work, traveling, and still squeezing training in ... it's a tough road to hoe, I know, it's the road I take! You're kicking butt, girlfriend! It might be appropriate to refresh yourself every so often so you don't go stale.
 
Tonight... 50 minutes cardio, 20 minutes continual and then 5 minute high intensity stints with the glute and ham work. Considering I didn't even feel like going to the gym because I had yet MORE training and am so far behind at work now I feel like I will never catch up, not bad. 90 minutes full out keeping HR pretty much between 125-155 but in the moderate range mostly so I didn't get exhausted. Super sweaty. I wonder if this is another side effect of the creatine. Sigh. Still looking smooth and blobby. Ate all the rest of the cottage cheese and am down to my last cup of yogurt so I guess that will tell the tale once that is off the menu. Then I can really tell if creatine is making me look like a pork pie supreme or if the dairy was the devil.

The creatine does seem to give me endurance and cuts the night time cravings. So it is worth sticking it out but I have to keep reminding myself. I don't know why but I took a good hard look at myself nekkid AFTER eating dinner tonight and after doing legs. I don't know what I expected to see but it sure was not what I wanted. I am swollen for heaven sake!

I have to be positive and stick this out because I have a feeling it will be better once I get used to it. Doing the uncomfortable is always rewarded at some point. I wore a blister on my tailbone from the decline sit up bench. I made myself go a whole song and it was hard those last few notes. I did it though. I get my core even stronger I will be able to add to my squats. That's what I am shooting for. Sleepy and up early to get lost in the black hole of work email. The refi boom is going to force me to give up sleep but never training.
 
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