You would think that I would be angry about all this weird stuff happening, but when I tuck into the covers and relax, I get in touch with what I am feeling, and it's different than anger. On the surface, there is this neurotic need to stay in my usual role of person who puts out all the fires and stays on top of everything. I was a little parent when I was a kid and took care of all the stuff the my mom didn't do like keeping us physically safe - she was just terrible at that especially, but I was pretty good at it. This frenetic running around I've been doing is an attempt at feeling in control, only now things are calmer, so this just looks like me not being able to switch out of anxiety mode.
Now that I am relaxing, I see that on a deeper level, I am feeling disappointed. I feel like I squashed my natural ability to accept myself and to be nurturing to myself because the people "in charge" when I was little wanted that, but now I see that people who want you to do that are just troubled, immature children in adult bodies. I feel like Dorothy looking at the man behind the curtain, but I am not really angry, there is just an acknowledgement that I don't need to give away my power anymore to people who don't know what they are doing. What's weird is how right now there are so many irresponsible leaders who are like J - not having people's best interests in mind and being power hungry. So my little mini-drama is also something I am watching the world do, and that does make me mad, but not in a way where I need to yell, but in a way where I want to combat this and figure out how I can contribute to a world where everyone cares about each other and looks out for each other. It seems like where we are moving, people do that, so I am hoping that we'll be in a community where we can do our little parts to make the world a place where people can be in a nurturing community.
I think some people do need to go off and yell though. K was not allowed by J to be angry, so she needs that. I got angry a lot, but it didn't help the situation because it was just reactive anger, so I don't really have pent up aggression, but I do have pent up self compassion and a will to make my small difference in the world.
I didn't like where psychology was going when I studied it. There were all these competing camps with their untested theories telling people how to process each kind of experience. But now there is a ton of actual research as to what's effective, when, and with what populations, and a lot more emphasis on deeply listening to clients instead of imposing one's untested theory on someone's life. So I don't think that thing about screaming into a pillow is universally accepted anymore. It never did anything for me, but I know it does help some people. One really nice thing I like about K's therapist is how she has K work on the little issues around her trauma instead of trying to tackle the big, overwhelming core issues like they did when I was in school for psychology. I think the field has grown by leaps and bounds and can't wait to study it further.
As someone with a lot of nurturing energy that I am finally owning, I feel like I can make a difference in the world and not have it diminished as "just" working with children or "just" caretaking, etc. I think people are beginning to see what a non-nurturing world is like, and it isn't cool and futuristic like people envisioned - it's just lonely. So I think what I am naturally good at is needed now, and that I will be ok as far as career and finding my place out there in the world. I never really felt like that before. It feels much better.
I did get a really good night's sleep. We were both so tired from the intense school day. We both did get woken up by footfalls on the roof - probably animals, but I am going to get up outdoor cameras on the roof area so we can really sleep soundly and not worry.
Another member of the "hates making medical appointments" club here 
