Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Trusting your intuition & being more accepting of yourself & others sound like great goals for 2024.
It's time I did something (again) about losing weight. Starting now. We can do this xoxo

Thanks Cate - it feels less daunting losing the weight together!

I've been feeling more forgiving towards myself after reading a lot of comments from other people who are also learning about narcissism on YouTube, and it makes me not feel so inadequate as a person - lots of normal people fall for this stuff, and I am not alone. I am starting to view how I treat myself as anti-narcissism activism - treating myself with kindness and acceptance is the most radical thing I can do to combat narcissism, and it is actually feeling good to be compassionate to myself. It used to just be a chore, but I am actually enjoying it now, like how nice it feels to water the garden and nurture it.

Happy New Year Marsia. The only way is up and you have shown amazing resilience and fortitude this year. You should be very proud of that.

I hope you enjoy your New Year's Eve hot chocolates and the weight starts to come off for you again in January. xxx

Thank you Em!!! That's such a lovely thing to say! I am going to think of all of us on the forum when I am tempted by snacking. I feel so lucky to have all of you supporting me! Big, huge hugs!!!

That is a good way to look at it and something I struggle with as well...like if we are working out physically you want to add more and more challenges as you understand it makes you stronger, but mentally I always look for the easiest way out instead of getting happy about another challenge to build mental strength and resilience! i need to see mental challenges the same way as running up hills...

I guess in some ways that could be seen as positive since that weightloss was due to so much stress and now you are so much less stressed. I hope you can get back to losing again but this time for happy reasons!

That's such a great analogy, Liza! I'm building emotional intelligence and resilience like you build muscle! I do wish I hadn't snacked away my nice weight loss, but I think the key is learning to relax more. It was hard yesterday because my lawyer let me know that the negotiations did not lead to J being reasonable, as was expected. It's just hard to hear it and does make me stressed. I am nearly calmed down again though, which is really good, as it's been a huge uphill battle to find any sense of calm lately. The meditation is working small miracles, I think!

So yesterday K finished her portfolio and handed it in. It's wonderful - she did that program that has clickable images that lead you into a 50s diner with all sorts of 50s style kitch like a robot whose gears rotate when you mouse over him, and you go into a painting and into a mirror in the painting, and there are all sorts of dream images throughout - all taken from K's sketchbooks and photos. She did the background music for this game (it's the beginning of an escape room game) on bass and guitar, and it came out so good! Then there were some graphics pieces, an original song which she did vocals, vocal accompaniment, guitar, and bass for, and a one minute interview video of her answering why she wanted to go to their digital media program. Everything came out amazing, and she is really proud.

We took a walk down to the river and got some nice shots of the shoreline lit up from the dock and some beautiful pictures of the night sky with wisps of clouds and lots of stars out. We talked about new year's resolutions on our walk. Then we got home just in time for midnight and toasted and sang "Ode to Joy" at the top or our lungs. Then we watched online fireworks and started one of our favorite movies, Everything Everywhere All At Once. Today I am letting her sleep in. She stayed up all week getting this portfolio done. Oh, she's up - more later!

 

[Llama]

like if we are working out physically you want to add more and more challenges as you understand it makes you stronger, but mentally I always look for the easiest way out instead of getting happy about another challenge to build mental strength and resilience! i need to see mental challenges the same way as running up hills...

Such a great way of putting it! That's something I need to make a clear image of to keep in mind.

Marsia, how wonderful that K's project is finished and came out great! Both as a boost to her confidence and to be done with that chunk of stress.

 

[Cate]

Oh, clever, clever K! That must feel like such a relief for you both. I feel proud & I don't even know her
As for J..... Perhaps I had better not put how I feel about his behaviour into words as swear words are jumping into my head. He's not worth it. I'm glad your meditation is helping you through this. You & K have done so well to get away from him.
How long before the house goes on the market, M?

 

[liza3]

We took a walk down to the river and got some nice shots of the shoreline lit up from the dock and some beautiful pictures of the night sky with wisps of clouds and lots of stars out. We talked about new year's resolutions on our walk. Then we got home just in time for midnight and toasted and sang "Ode to Joy" at the top or our lungs. Then we watched online fireworks and started one of our favorite movies, Everything Everywhere All At Once.

That sounds so great!
And yes, so wonderful that K did so well with her portfolio and has that handed in!

 

[Marsia]

Such a great way of putting it! That's something I need to make a clear image of to keep in mind.

Marsia, how wonderful that K's project is finished and came out great! Both as a boost to her confidence and to be done with that chunk of stress.

She's really happy with her portfolio, and you are so right about it boosting her confidence!!

Oh, clever, clever K! That must feel like such a relief for you both. I feel proud & I don't even know her
As for J..... Perhaps I had better not put how I feel about his behaviour into words as swear words are jumping into my head. He's not worth it. I'm glad your meditation is helping you through this. You & K have done so well to get away from him.
How long before the house goes on the market, M?

Wow, thanks Cate! K is doing so well, and I am so grateful that doing art helps her be enthused about things again. And I agree about J. I am getting so I don't put as much emotion in to how I am thinking of him. It helps a lot to remember that he is mentally ill. I also realize that J's lawyers know he does not tell the truth now, and if he doesn't negotiate with me fairly, family court will know that, too. So I am not as panicked as I was about him. I do feel like we did well getting away from him! It has helped immensely getting all sorts of help.

That sounds so great!
And yes, so wonderful that K did so well with her portfolio and has that handed in!

Thanks Liza! We went over her code for her animated project yesterday, and wow was that complicated. I could barley follow what she did! The student has exceeded the teacher, for sure!!

Yesterday was financial aid day. The primary financial aid for college changed its rules drastically this year, and has a whole new website for figuring things out. It was designed by people who do not understand how to make things unconfusing. So yesterday was stressful and we still need J to fill out his part of the forms. I have been doing better with food but did have a little honey and a biscotti yesterday because of the stress. I'll go back to no sugar now. It usually takes me a couple of weeks to wean myself off of it in preparation for calorie counting again. That is what I want to do so I lose those 15 pounds I just gained soon. I have only been doing little cleaning projects so my arm does not get irritated, and it is feeling a lot better today. I've been using my non dominant hand a lot, and it's getting a lot stronger and more coordinated. Didn't get much exercise yesterday, so want to make up for that today!

 

[liza3]

We went over her code for her animated project yesterday, and wow was that complicated. I could barley follow what she did! The student has exceeded the teacher, for sure!!

Well I am impressed you could follow at all what she did--all that sort of stuff is completely beyond me!
Good for you trying for no sugar--I could certainly use a break as i see I am slowly getting worse with it...i had a brief thought of trying one month off just to do a sort of reset...we'll see about that though--I seem to really rely on it for stress relief.

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear your arm is feeling a bit better but careful you don't overstrain your non-dominant side!

 

[Emilyrose]

K's project sounds so cool and I love escape room games. I had a really boring job about 10 years back and I used to play them all day long. Lol.

Hope you got that exercise time in!

 

[Cate]

Well I am impressed you could follow at all what she did--all that sort of stuff is completely beyond me!

I agree with Liza. I would be completely clueless.
Cutting out sugar is hard. I have been trying to cut out my honey & hot lemon drinks but they're my favourites of the day. I have been having 2 while I have been sick but will cut that down to one, starting tonight.
You seem to have so much paper work to wade through in your lives. Getting J to also complete them makes things so much more difficult. I really don't know how you do it all!

 

[Marsia]

Well I am impressed you could follow at all what she did--all that sort of stuff is completely beyond me!
Good for you trying for no sugar--I could certainly use a break as i see I am slowly getting worse with it...i had a brief thought of trying one month off just to do a sort of reset...we'll see about that though--I seem to really rely on it for stress relief.

I took computer programming way back in my last year of high school when I went to a local college where my mom worked and transferred my college credits back to high school. I took a few more classes about 20 years ago, too, and interned at NASA as a web developer, so I have some degree of proficiency in coding, but I must admit, the object-oriented coding is hard for me. K took to it like a fish in water, thank goodness! I'm struggling with the sugar when I get stressed - had a ice cream bar after having to talk to J on the phone about financial aid last night, but hopefully no more stress this month, and I'll get back on track! I also allow myself to substitute dates and forms of sugar that have good nutrients like a lot of fruit at first if I am really having trouble going cold turkey.

Glad to hear your arm is feeling a bit better but careful you don't overstrain your non-dominant side!

Thanks for saying this, Llama - I am now carefully watching my non-dominant side just in case. It's a good point to be careful with using muscles I am not used to using in this way.

K's project sounds so cool and I love escape room games. I had a really boring job about 10 years back and I used to play them all day long. Lol.

Hope you got that exercise time in!

K used to do these psychedelic artist Jo99's escape room games, and they were so good because you also had to do some tricky math and cool logic puzzles and they were totally beautiful in haunting ways. That is what got her into making games. Didn't get the exercise in, but thank you for the encouragement so I remember to catch up today!!

I agree with Liza. I would be completely clueless.
Cutting out sugar is hard. I have been trying to cut out my honey & hot lemon drinks but they're my favourites of the day. I have been having 2 while I have been sick but will cut that down to one, starting tonight.
You seem to have so much paper work to wade through in your lives. Getting J to also complete them makes things so much more difficult. I really don't know how you do it all!

Cate, I bet if you started by learning to make websites, which is easy coding, you would do well. You do Wordle and other puzzles, and coding is like a form of puzzle solving, except that when you are done, you have a cool program that does fun things! I don't think that everyone needs to cut out sugar. I did because a little here and there turns into just enough that I gain a little weight each week when I am very stressed. I can normally do what you are doing and just have a little honey here and there, but now I am using it like Liza said, as a way to self soothe when stressed, and I need to nip that habit in the bud. The paperwork of getting this divorce is awful because there is also my mom's estate that never got resolved and which is tangled up in the marital assets, and applying to colleges and financial aid is a mess because J owns his own company, so the financials are really confusing, and he does all sorts of tricky stuff with finances that I do not understand. This is making me proficient in bureaucracy, that's for sure! It actually is good because my mom never helped me learn about finances, but instead told me how bad I am with them (hence gave J control of her estate) so now I am finally getting over my fear and learning finances. It feels good to do that.

Oops, time to start school. More later...

 

[Llama]

my mom never helped me learn about finances, but instead told me how bad I am with them (hence gave Joe control of her estate)

Oof, no wonder you struggle to believe in your own skills sometimes. That's awful, even if maybe she didn't mean it as badly as it sounds.

Interning at NASA as a web developer is so cool!

 

[Marsia]

Oof, no wonder you struggle to believe in your own skills sometimes. That's awful, even if maybe she didn't mean it as badly as it sounds.

Interning at NASA as a web developer is so cool!

My mom was really competitive with me to the point where if I wanted her to consider an idea of mine, I had J tell it to her. If I suggested something, it was a ridiculous, impractical idea, whereas if J said the same thing he was brilliant and insightful. My mom didn't mean to be like that, she was raised by her mom who was critical because my great grandmother was highly unreasonable. My grandmother was in charge of reading legal documents at age 7 because my great grandmother couldn't read English, and was wretched to my grandmother. Criticalness just got passed down through the generations, and I think it's my job to heal this for the family. The NASA internship was amazing. I got to go to talks and demonstrations on the NASA campus and the earth science department where I worked was so fascinating. They were modeling weather as a mathematical chaos system and took old military planes up on missions in the sky to record pollution and many other measurements in really clever experiments. They were studying global warming, among other things. Really amazing internship!

 

[liza3]

I took computer programming way back in my last year of high school when I went to a local college where my mom worked and transferred my college credits back to high school. I took a few more classes about 20 years ago, too, and interned at NASA as a web developer, so I have some degree of proficiency in coding

Oh gosh you really are a woman of so many skills! I am glad you are starting to learn to trust and believe in yourself as you obviously are very smart and very capable!

K used to do these psychedelic artist Jo99's escape room games, and they were so good because you also had to do some tricky math and cool logic puzzles and they were totally beautiful in haunting ways

That sounds very cool and sounds like she is certainly following in your footsteps.

Criticalness just got passed down through the generations, and I think it's my job to heal this for the family.

Good for you healing some unhealthy family patterns!

 

[Llama]

I'm so glad you're aware of the family dynamic and are working to make the future better but I hope you know it was still cruel and unfair and you deserved better

 

[Cate]

Llama & Liza have said what I was thinking. You are such a smart cookie, M!
I love that you are working to make the future better for you & K

 

[Emilyrose]

God, your mom sounds tough going as well. Between her and J, you're lucky to be doing so well!

The NASA thing sounds amazing. I'm sure when you're ready, you'll find a great job that uses all the many skills you've acquired over the years.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks everyone!! I feel more at peace than ever about my mom. K and I love to remember all her fun and eccentric ways, and we're both sad that she wasn't able to be more close to us, and could be cold and prickly at times, but time is healing those hurts. I am starting to feel capable, and it's really nice. Thanks for all your encouragement and support!

We've had the weirdest synchronicities lately. We re-watched Everything Everywhere All At Once, and the next day saw a half bagel rolling down the middle of the road! Then there were weird financial synchronicities and also something odd where we went to the beach and the first thing I did was to step in a hole and twist my ankle and we could only take a short walk so I didn't injure my ankle more. It's almost healed now - I wrapped it. Then K's therapy was online instead of in person, so we haven't left the house, which turned out good because someone wiggled my 2nd story window open - it was completely unlocked and I can see how because it didn't latch properly you could wiggle it into an open position, but nothing was taken. Had we been away longer, who knows. We fixed the window so it's secure now, but we need more security stuff on the second story. So glad I caught that. I should feel freaked out, but instead feel good that nothing bad happened and that I have the chance to fix things to be ultra secure. I actually felt calm for the first time in a while last night. It feels good that we'll have a totally secure house now.

It's raining hard today, so probably a treadmill day of soft walking for me until my ankle swelling is completely gone. We've been doing yoga which is fine with a wrapped ankle, and K likes meditating on a candle flame, so we'll try that more. We are having a good time with web design and development. I am reintroducing K to HTML and doing tutorials on nice software in the Adobe Suite, and she tried out a little Wacom tablet she got for Christmas with a nice tutorial on why it's better than using a mouse to draw. I think she'll really like using it. Anyway, now we have assignments that will call for doing art, so we will have deadlines, which will help me to join K in doing art again. Deadlines really help me.

 

[liza3]

That's good you were able to fix the window. That is too bad to have to make sure everything's locked up tight and secure...but nice that you don't feel freaked out by it and can just make a plan for that.
I hope you can enjoy the rainy day cozy inside. And hope your ankle is feeling better soon!

 

[Marsia]

That's good you were able to fix the window. That is too bad to have to make sure everything's locked up tight and secure...but nice that you don't feel freaked out by it and can just make a plan for that.
I hope you can enjoy the rainy day cozy inside. And hope your ankle is feeling better soon!

Thanks Liza and Llama. I am really glad I noticed and could fix it and put it behind me. Just read a good article on home security and how to best plan, and got a few more elements for our system. It feels so much better not skimping and not just getting the bare minimum in equipment. I have everything covered now, and that feels much better. My ankle is feeling good again, too, and is just a tad swollen, hardly noticeable. We talked a long time this morning about K being perfectionistic about herself, and it was a really good talk, but really tiring. In the middle of everything, K is still a teen and needs help seeing that she can't just be a kid one year and the perfect adult the next. She's working on an economics paper and finishing up stuff from last semester and I am having a good time figuring out what to cover this semester. It was nice to have a mellow day and to admire our work fixing the window, and we also replaced a toilet flusher, so we were proud of ourselves. It was beautiful and mild out and nice and rainy all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day to get out and exercise again.

 

[Llama]

The human brain isn't done developing until you're 25 at least, and even after that it always keeps changing. I think a lot of us felt like we were running out of time even when we were still so young. But really... none of us are so important individually that it matters to the world if we spend some time just enjoying ourselves. But it matters to us and our development so we might as well.