Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
Thanks everyone! I took a few days off the forum. I was so, so stressed about all the legal stuff and just about what I have learned about covert narcissists in general. I finally had an epiphany. It sounds like a small thing, but for me it is a total perspective change. I realized that having symptoms (of stress, of weight gain, of anything really) are a blessing in disguise.
My jaw pain gets so bad, and then I relax my jaw and it is completely better, so I know this isn't medical. Then I relax some muscles and find that I have tensed up others - I can even tense my tongue so that it is pressing against the inside of my teeth and not even realize I am doing it, and wind up with all this pain. Anyway, as I un-tense, I remember all these times in my childhood where I had jaw and mouth pain, and didn't think anything of it because it happened regularly. So I realize this is a long term way for me to express stress.
Anyway, I realized that without the jaw pain, I would have no way to tell if I am stressing out my body, and no way to tell if I have relaxed or not. So I am treating this as a good thing, and it's already making me have flashes of happiness and gratitude and feel more in control of my life. I am viewing things all as feedback and getting out of that horrible victim-mentality where I just feel flattened by the stress of the circumstances. We have been doing a lot more little yoga sessions and I now stop and breathe out the stress, and I think I don't make K as stressed out by me being so stressed out all the time. I have more energy and I feel way more optimistic. I think I have turned a corner.
I ordered a little foldable portable treadmill for K's and my big Christmas present. It's cold out and if it isn't, it's buggy, muggy, and not good for running, so I think this little inexpensive treadmill will really help. I had a free one like this once and loved it. It's big enough for running on and small enough to move around easily.
Food has been good. I blended up a bunch of dried sage from our sage bush and used it with some other spices as a rub for pork loin, and it came out tender and so nice - the sage made it slightly sweet and very flavorful. I'm still the same weight, which under the circumstances is good. I have had to correspond with J a bunch, and I am feeling good about how I did with all that. I think things are coming together legally and that I have a better way of looking at things now. I want to focus on building our future instead of on fighting off the old stuff.
My jaw pain gets so bad, and then I relax my jaw and it is completely better, so I know this isn't medical. Then I relax some muscles and find that I have tensed up others - I can even tense my tongue so that it is pressing against the inside of my teeth and not even realize I am doing it, and wind up with all this pain. Anyway, as I un-tense, I remember all these times in my childhood where I had jaw and mouth pain, and didn't think anything of it because it happened regularly. So I realize this is a long term way for me to express stress.
Anyway, I realized that without the jaw pain, I would have no way to tell if I am stressing out my body, and no way to tell if I have relaxed or not. So I am treating this as a good thing, and it's already making me have flashes of happiness and gratitude and feel more in control of my life. I am viewing things all as feedback and getting out of that horrible victim-mentality where I just feel flattened by the stress of the circumstances. We have been doing a lot more little yoga sessions and I now stop and breathe out the stress, and I think I don't make K as stressed out by me being so stressed out all the time. I have more energy and I feel way more optimistic. I think I have turned a corner.
I ordered a little foldable portable treadmill for K's and my big Christmas present. It's cold out and if it isn't, it's buggy, muggy, and not good for running, so I think this little inexpensive treadmill will really help. I had a free one like this once and loved it. It's big enough for running on and small enough to move around easily.
Food has been good. I blended up a bunch of dried sage from our sage bush and used it with some other spices as a rub for pork loin, and it came out tender and so nice - the sage made it slightly sweet and very flavorful. I'm still the same weight, which under the circumstances is good. I have had to correspond with J a bunch, and I am feeling good about how I did with all that. I think things are coming together legally and that I have a better way of looking at things now. I want to focus on building our future instead of on fighting off the old stuff.
I think that's a really good way of looking at it - the jaw pain is showing you that something is wrong. A message from the body to the brain.
Sometimes I wish we were like wi-fi and you could just flip a switch and reset and forget all your troubles, but it's not as easy as all that.
That sounds like a really cool Christmas present for you and K. Glad your food has been good.
Sometimes I wish we were like wi-fi and you could just flip a switch and reset and forget all your troubles, but it's not as easy as all that.
That sounds like a really cool Christmas present for you and K. Glad your food has been good.
Cate
Long term member
We can do this. Just changing the way we look at things can make a huge difference. I know I have done that with the golf club, especially with the women.
I love how you are dealing with everything, M. I admire your strength & determination
Great attitude
alligatorob
Respected Member
How so? That is interesting.
Good for you, now all you have to do is use it!
That all sounds great! Good for you.
Hey, I wanted to thank you again for your post on my diary today, it really did make me feel better.
Being able to feel your body and interpret its signals is a real skill - and sometimes an art. I feel grateful when an ache or bother turns out to be a request from my body rather than something structural I have no cobtrol over.
Amazing job keeping your weight constant despite having to correspond with J a lot!
Amazing job keeping your weight constant despite having to correspond with J a lot!
Hi Rob, I realized that symptoms help point to the cure. Imagine if you were so stressed you ground your teeth and there was no pain, and you didn't notice until your teeth were very short. I think we'll both really like using the treadmill. I tend to use gym equipment in my home - not one of those people who buy a lot of stuff that sits around unused usually. Glad that I said something helpful. I feel like everyone here is a little hard on themselves when it comes to maintaining weight, because we'd like so much to lose a little, but maintaining is its own challenge, too, I think.
Thanks Llama. I'm really glad when I do have some control over healing my body myself, too!
It really is! Yes, I can't wait for the treadmill to get here.
Well, I am super duper glad to have put a security system in before J realized that he could look at the online therapy schedule and see when we aren't home. He finally figured that out this week (after bugging me incessantly to tell him what days her different appointments are), and the security system went off today while K was in individual therapy, and I was waiting for her in the car. I had them call the police, but it looks like no one broke in. It's a bit of a mystery how they triggered a motion sensor in a hallway where you'd need to come through a door, but no door sensors went off. No windows have been tampered with either. We were thinking that maybe they shined a bright light into the hallway, but we tried that and the motion sensor didn't register it. Anyway, the alarm system works, and I am very proud of us for protecting our house with the system we put up! And the police who came out was a very nice woman who told me that if this keeps happening, to document everything with the police. She said this after I told her about all our opened mail and us having to put a security mailbox up. I feel so glad for trusting my instincts!
We were going to study at the library after K's therapy (which went really well) but the whole alarm thing going off made us rush home. We're going to bed early because we're both wiped out. We did nice Wim Hof breathing, but didn't get our yoga in. Will have to tomorrow.
Cate
Long term member
I think that has been happening with mine. My dentist seems to think so. I told him that a friend massaged her jaw & he said if I did to be very gentle. I'll ask him for tips on how to relax my chin, which is where I seem to carry a lot of tension.
Good timing & well done, M. K is one very devious bugger
& you are a very clever cookie Thanks, Cate!! It's so shocking how everyone loves J, but in reality he is the ultimate in passive aggressive people. I will never look past little cues like he gave off when we were dating again. Very hard lesson to learn. I did a nice short progressive muscle relaxation video that helped with general tension this morningI think that has been happening with mine. My dentist seems to think so. I told him that a friend massaged her jaw & he said if I did to be very gentle. I'll ask him for tips on how to relax my chin, which is where I seem to carry a lot of tension.
Good timing & well done, M. K is one very devious bugger
Thanks Llama, me too!
K is getting lots of coding done and really loves doing digital media. It's so nice because when she was younger you couldn't get her to stop coding and to go do other things, and she's like that again because she's back to doing visual projects. When I first taught her coding, it was to make simple web pages with little animations, and she loved it. Now that we're back to visual assignments, her enthusiasm is back! I am so glad I followed my hunch that combining coding and visual arts would be something she really took to!
Thanks Liza. I felt a little funny putting up an elaborate alarm system, but now I feel really good that I did. It's wonderful seeing that K is obsessed with coding again now that she's doing visual things. I had been doubting myself about that, too, so good week of having my doubts about things put to rest.
Thanks Cate! All the muscle relaxation things are making me feel overwhelmed because I am finally starting to relax after 20 years of being a tense mess. But it will be really good in the long run.
Thanks Em! That was pretty disturbing, but also validating that my concerns were valid. I feel like I got transported to some weird, dramatic movie. It's so disturbing that even in my worst doubts about J, I didn't peg him as as anywhere near as awful as he really is. I am wrapping my head around that slowly. It really does feel like I've been dropped into a Hollywood set.
We've been churning out homework and tests and things the last few days. I had fun making a long study guide for how to write a literary essay comparing the style of two books. It just dumped down a bunch of rain here, and finally feels something resembling Christmas, as it's warm and muggy, but at least raining like it would in Northern CA. We need to go see some Christmas lights and things so we get in the spirit of the season. Mostly though I really need to get us walking and moving. Too much stress to purge and not enough exercise happening. I am still staying the same weight, which is good. I have a feeling once I am over the hump with stress, it will be much easier losing, hoping so anyway!