Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Ouch to having your gums cut away!
I think I would be instigating a chat with that neighbour under the guise of giving her a heads-up that someone is tampering with the mail.
I'm glad that you are allowing yourself to feel all of the feelings & letting that tension go. Hugs to you & K xoxo

Thanks Cate, my gums are a lot better. I am alternating tea tree oil and hemp oil on them and they are almost all better. I took pain killers the first day, too, and that made things pain free. They said that the gums heal up fast, and so far, it seems to be the case thank goodness!

I have been advised by everyone professional who deals with narcissists not to show that they are hurting you and to just let the professionals deal with them. Otherwise if you fight them or if they know that the nasty things they are doing are working, you are just painting a target onto your back. So it's hard, but I am setting up safe things like the locking mailbox and not raising a big fuss about what has happened in order to stay in the background. Things I watch on narcissism online say how a narcissist wants attention be it positive or negative, and to just protect yourself quietly, hopefully by just leaving as quickly as possible if possible. In our case since we can't do that, I am just trying to make this year so as quietly and non-confrontationally as possible. Also the police here are the same police who discounted K's testimony against J, so I don't want to mess with them unless there is a definite crime that can be prosecuted for sure.

Great job on getting the routine going. Sorry to hear your gums are hurting you - hope that eases fast! Glad you are releasing some of that tension - throw that bag of rocks in the river!

Thanks Em! I am finding the rocks and tossing them out one by one!!

Yesterday was such a good day. We went to the beach and walked in the little waves all the way down to the river. It was very bright and hazy with lots of seabirds out everywhere, and we had good talks. We also did yoga and went to a fun, campy movie. I ate popcorn, so will try to mostly fast today. My weight zoomed up this week, and I need to cut out sugar slowly for a few weeks and then go off it again. I've been meditating a lot because I have a lot of grief surfacing and I want to let it out instead of carrying it around. It's really helping. I want to make baba ganoush this weekend and take the bikes to the neighborhood with a beautiful farm near our house that has lovely rivers full of alligators and marsh birds. We just need to get the new inner tube on finally.

 

[liza3]

Glad your gums are feeling better!
That day sounds really lovely. Great about the meditating helping you let a lot of grief go. I hope you can get your bike working again and can enjoy some nice bike rides. I can't imagine a river full of alligators!! So interesting the different wildlife we all have in our various regions!

 

[Cate]

You are such a strong person, Marsia. That makes sense not to give him that attention. Knowledge is power & you are so aware of what is going on & are dealing with it in a smart way, rather than being reactionary.
Fast forward to when this is all behind you
Yesterday sounds lovely xo

 

[alligatorob]

We got a locking mailbox up, as someone is opening our mail.

I have been advised by everyone professional who deals with narcissists not to show that they are hurting you and to just let the professionals deal with them. Otherwise if you fight them or if they know that the nasty things they are doing are working, you are just painting a target onto your back. So it's hard, but I am setting up safe things like the locking mailbox and not raising a big fuss about what has happened in order to stay in the background. Things I watch on narcissism online say how a narcissist wants attention be it positive or negative, and to just protect yourself quietly, hopefully by just leaving as quickly as possible if possible. In our case since we can't do that, I am just trying to make this year so as quietly and non-confrontationally as possible. Also the police here are the same police who discounted K's testimony against J, so I don't want to mess with them unless there is a definite crime that can be prosecuted for sure.

Is the narcissist the person who has been opening your mail? Do you know who it is?

Llama is right this would be a serious thing, a felony under federal law I believe. https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/1708 Better reported to the post office or some federal agency, the local police don't enforce federal law. Hope you are able to sort it all out.

As Cate says you are a strong lady, lots of challenges, more than most people have to deal with and you sound very competent in your responses to it all. Good for you, but I hope things calm a bit in your life!

I can't imagine a river full of alligators!!

Where I come from all rivers are full of gators... makes life more interesting. Utah has beautiful rivers, but no gators, I miss em.

 

[Llama]

I agree that you shouldn't let on that you suspect J (even to the police!) or that you're nervous about it but innocently asking a neighbor if the same has happened in the neighborhood before or if it's currently happening to other people would make sense. Other than that buying a locked mailbox and seeing if that solves the problem first is a very reasonable, pragmatic thing to do.

 

[alligatorob]

Just read about your eating for self-soothing on Llama's diary. If its a problem you should tell us more about it. You don't want it to get worse.

J lives about a half hour from here and doesn't have a car, so I don't think it's him directly. He's really good at getting people to help him with things though, so I agree that was what was probably happening. When we were putting up the new box, one of the neighbors came and talked with me and introduced me to her new puppy. She avoided telling us her name when we introduced ourselves. I made sure there was a long, awkward pause where I was expecting her to introduce herself after we did. After talking, she walked her puppy about 30 feet up the road and then came back after I didn't talk much because she wasn't sharing anything about herself, but seemed to be pumping me for information. They live less than half a block from us, so this was the world's shortest dog walk. After that her husband drove his car slowly in and out of their driveway about 5 times, which seemed weird, too. They could be who J enlisted to go through the mail. Then again they might just be nosey.

I hope you are wrong about all that and it turns out to just be kids or something... Hard to imagine getting one of your neighbors to do it, not unless J knows them. If you do report it nothing wrong with saying you don't know who's doing it, but mentioning that you are going through a difficult divorce. You could do that without saying you believe J is behind it. Hope the new locking mailbox fixes the problem and nothing else happens.

 

[Marsia]

Glad your gums are feeling better!
That day sounds really lovely. Great about the meditating helping you let a lot of grief go. I hope you can get your bike working again and can enjoy some nice bike rides. I can't imagine a river full of alligators!! So interesting the different wildlife we all have in our various regions!

I exaggerated a bit about the river being full of alligators. We saw 6 or 7 once, but usually it's not as many. I just love seeing them and love their presence. I think animals can sense if you feel kindness for them, and they don't tend to swim away when we admire them (from a very respectful distance!). There are also armadillos here, and people don't like them, though I think they are adorable looking. It's just so lush and verdant here, we have the most amazing creatures of anywhere I've ever lived. It may be my favorite thing about this place! I really want to get the silly tire on today. Yesterday we started filling out the common app for applying to colleges, and we are realizing that we don't know where some of the awards stuff is, and it is taking a while to try to find all that.

You are such a strong person, Marsia. That makes sense not to give him that attention. Knowledge is power & you are so aware of what is going on & are dealing with it in a smart way, rather than being reactionary.
Fast forward to when this is all behind you
Yesterday sounds lovely xo

Thanks Cate! I am realizing what amazing strength comes out of love. I would be having a truly awful time if it weren't for having K to protect and help heal and her helping me, too. Yesterday she was having really sad realizations, and the laundry basket that she used to sit in when she was little (that she and the cats both claimed as theirs) was on the couch, so I had her make a little "kitty cave" with it over her head, and it helped immensely. We sat under the laundry basket and it really calmed her down. I told her about different little forts I had as a kid that were small and comforting like this, and we had a nice soothing time after she had a good cry.

Is the narcissist the person who has been opening your mail? Do you know who it is?

Llama is right this would be a serious thing, a felony under federal law I believe. https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/1708 Better reported to the post office or some federal agency, the local police don't enforce federal law. Hope you are able to sort it all out.

As Cate says you are a strong lady, lots of challenges, more than most people have to deal with and you sound very competent in your responses to it all. Good for you, but I hope things calm a bit in your life!

Where I come from all rivers are full of gators... makes life more interesting. Utah has beautiful rivers, but no gators, I miss em.

The narcissist is my husband J, and I don't know who was opening our mail, but the new mailbox looks like it could withstand a tornado, so I think we are ok now. Good point about the mailbox thing being a federal crime - if anything happens to the new mailbox, I will definitely report it to the post office and get a post office box instead!

I don't know why but I have been feeling calmer and more ok with everything lately. I am realizing what an amazing bunch of women are helping us, and I feel really grateful to let them deal with most of this, and to concentrate on K and I having as nice a time as we can while we are still here. I also want to learn everything I can from them because I'd like to somehow pay this forward and help other people in our position at some point, whether it be in the field of art therapy, general counseling psychology, or teaching and helping kids be safe and to learn emotional intelligence. I really feel at this point that there is an epidemic of narcissism and that I want to help to reverse this in my own little way if possible.

I agree that you shouldn't let on that you suspect J (even to the police!) or that you're nervous about it but innocently asking a neighbor if the same has happened in the neighborhood before or if it's currently happening to other people would make sense. Other than that buying a locked mailbox and seeing if that solves the problem first is a very reasonable, pragmatic thing to do.

That's a good idea, Llama. I'll ask.

Just read about your eating for self-soothing on Llama's diary. If its a problem you should tell us more about it. You don't want it to get worse.

I hope you are wrong about all that and it turns out to just be kids or something... Hard to imagine getting one of your neighbors to do it, not unless J knows them. If you do report it nothing wrong with saying you don't know who's doing it, but mentioning that you are going through a difficult divorce. You could do that without saying you believe J is behind it. Hope the new locking mailbox fixes the problem and nothing else happens.

I am just eating about the right amount for the day and then when K gets food at night, I eat with her again, and it puts me over calories by a lot. I am also turning to sugar and salty foods and not getting enough exercise. I think it's that I lived with J for too long and it got me so tense that now that I am starting to release that tension, and it's very intense emotion, and I am self soothing with food. It's also that K is processing what happened to her, and this is the very worst nightmare for a mom. I started out numb with shock, but now am just overwhelmed with not knowing what to do. I realized I can just hug her and tell her all the ways I love her and tell her happy stories from her childhood and that helps us both. I am also doing guided meditations on love, and that helps immensely.

Ok, time to meditate and start the day!

 

[liza3]

I exaggerated a bit about the river being full of alligators. We saw 6 or 7 once, but usually it's not as many. I just love seeing them and love their presence. I think animals can sense if you feel kindness for them, and they don't tend to swim away when we admire them (from a very respectful distance!). There are also armadillos here, and people don't like them, though I think they are adorable looking. It's just so lush and verdant here, we have the most amazing creatures of anywhere I've ever lived. It may be my favorite thing about this place!

That all sounds so interesting-it's great that you can appreciate the uniqueness of where you are right now...it does sound really special.

am just eating about the right amount for the day and then when K gets food at night, I eat with her again, and it puts me over calories by a lot. I am also turning to sugar and salty foods and not getting enough exercise

I would also find that really challenging when the person you're living with is getting food--it just always seems so automatic for me to eat with others and one of the hardest times to resist!

 

[Cate]

I don't know why but I have been feeling calmer and more ok with everything lately. I am realizing what an amazing bunch of women are helping us, and I feel really grateful to let them deal with most of this, and to concentrate on K and I having as nice a time as we can while we are still here. I also want to learn everything I can from them because I'd like to somehow pay this forward and help other people in our position at some point, whether it be in the field of art therapy, general counseling psychology, or teaching and helping kids be safe and to learn emotional intelligence. I really feel at this point that there is an epidemic of narcissism and that I want to help to reverse this in my own little way if possible.

I can see you doing that without making a conscious decision to do so. You have a very good heart, M xoxo

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza and Cate! I didn't eat very much while K was having dinner tonight. I made some cranberry sauce that was just juice sweetened, and it came out sour and good. I had that and a small portion of ice cream, which I shouldn't have had. My gums are not liking sugar, so this is a perfect time to go off it. I'll do better tomorrow.

We got the bike tire on and went for a ride at the beach. The sand was hard to ride on today and we got pretty tired and turned inland to the bike trails instead, which was nice and showed us that we'd gone a long ways on the beach already. It's hard to tell because it's one of those endless beaches where you aren't sure where you are anymore after riding a while.

I also realized from having taught in special ed. classrooms that I could make a nice structure for K like how there are small pop-up tents for autistic kids who get sensory overload and get anxious. So I made a blanket fort out of the dining room table which is on a nice rug, and I put big pillows in the fort and made it like a hug box like Temple Grandlin made for herself. It helped K a lot, and she spent a while in it this morning and I read to her in it tonight. It's like old times when she was little and we made blanket forts. I like being a mom so much!

 

[alligatorob]

We got the bike tire on and went for a ride at the beach. The sand was hard to ride on today and we got pretty tired and turned inland to the bike trails instead, which was nice and showed us that we'd gone a long ways on the beach already. It's hard to tell because it's one of those endless beaches where you aren't sure where you are anymore after riding a while.

I envy you, beaches are great no matter how you see them. When I was a kid we lived just 6 blocks from the bay, I rode down almost every day. Used to do stupid things like ride off the end of piers, I once rode off the top of a flat roofed boat house, really bad idea, hurt for a long time. Not sure how my bike survived all that, the old Schwinn one speeds were pretty indestructible. Those days are long past, tame trails are more my style when I ride now.

I also realized from having taught in special ed. classrooms that I could make a nice structure for K like how there are small pop-up tents for autistic kids who get sensory overload and get anxious. So I made a blanket fort out of the dining room table which is on a nice rug, and I put big pillows in the fort and made it like a hug box like Temple Grandlin made for herself. It helped K a lot, and she spent a while in it this morning and I read to her in it tonight. It's like old times when she was little and we made blanket forts. I like being a mom so much!

You are a very insightful and kind lady. K has a great Mama!

 

[Llama]

I could see it being hard not to eat when K is having a late dinner just because communal eating is a social bonding thing and you want to be as close to K as possible. Maybe a nice cup of tea with something to keep your hands busy (origami?) would alliw you a similar togetherness without the calories.

 

[liza3]

Good for you having less food when K was having hers. It's good you've identified that challenge and now can be more aware of changing that pattern. Maybe even just having a good salad, or something else that is nice to chew on, but low in calories could help...
Yay to getting the bike tire on and going for a ride--it sounds lovely riding along the beach even with the extra challenge!

 

[Cate]

I love being a Mum too & I love being a grandma. I told E recently that I love being a grandma but I also love being able to be a grandma. You would make K feel safe & loved, which is what most kids want & need.

 

[Marsia]

I could see it being hard not to eat when K is having a late dinner just because communal eating is a social bonding thing and you want to be as close to K as possible. Maybe a nice cup of tea with something to keep your hands busy (origami?) would alliw you a similar togetherness without the calories.

Thanks Llama, this is a really good idea. It's just what I am going to do tonight. I really agree about the communal eating thing.

Good for you having less food when K was having hers. It's good you've identified that challenge and now can be more aware of changing that pattern. Maybe even just having a good salad, or something else that is nice to chew on, but low in calories could help...
Yay to getting the bike tire on and going for a ride--it sounds lovely riding along the beach even with the extra challenge!

Thanks Liza. I didn't track calories today. I seem to either be coming down with something or else I am just super stressed and my body is relaxing but achy. I dreamed about J last night, and it was not that bad of a dream, but I never dream about him, so could be stress. I will try what you and Llama are saying for sure! The bike ride was really good and I am happy to have slightly sore muscles today.

I love being a Mum too & I love being a grandma. I told E recently that I love being a grandma but I also love being able to be a grandma. You would make K feel safe & loved, which is what most kids want & need.

Thank you, Cate!! It's wonderful how close you and E are, and you and R, too! I can't think of anything better than helping someone feel safe and loved!

I envy you, beaches are great no matter how you see them. When I was a kid we lived just 6 blocks from the bay, I rode down almost every day. Used to do stupid things like ride off the end of piers, I once rode off the top of a flat roofed boat house, really bad idea, hurt for a long time. Not sure how my bike survived all that, the old Schwinn one speeds were pretty indestructible. Those days are long past, tame trails are more my style when I ride now.

You are a very insightful and kind lady. K has a great Mama!

Thanks for the nice compliment, Rob! I had a bike that was a one speed banana seat, with flowers on it, that I would ride into the sand pit and jump off the sand cliffs with with my gang of younger boys I was the leader of for about a year. You had to jump away from your bike on the way down and land in a different sand pile than your bike. It was super fun. The roof of the boat house does not sound fun though. Ouch!! I won't be doing anything like that these days, either! That must have been so idillic living so close to the bay.

We had a slow day today where we got stuff done, but then the day was gone. I made a nice smoothie from the low sugar cranberries, bananas and coconut milk. It was really good and didn't require much of the cranberries, so almost no sugar. I am going to make a lot of this low sugar cranberry sauce for smoothies as there are no more mixed berries that are a good price in the market now, and I miss them, but the cranberries are just as good. Tomorrow I will feel better (I'm starting to already) and will track calories again.

 

[alligatorob]

I had a bike that was a one speed banana seat, with flowers on it.

I am impressed! I remember those banana seat bikes, always wanted one but never happened. You were lucky!

I would ride into the sand pit and jump off the sand cliffs with with my gang of younger boys I was the leader of for about a year. You had to jump away from your bike on the way down and land in a different sand pile than your bike. It was super fun.

I'd have been in your pack, or wanted to be anyway! Where did you grow up?

Glad you are feeling better.

 

[Llama]

Slightly sore muscles are the best feeling. Just enough to feel like you've been active but not so much it's really in the way.

 

[Cate]

Thank you, Cate!! It's wonderful how close you and E are, and you and R, too! I can't think of anything better than helping someone feel safe and loved!

 

[liza3]

That smoothie sounds delicious!
I hope you aren't coming down with anything and that you're feeling recovered by now.
I also had a banana seat bike as a kid--no jumping off it though--my goal was always to try and stay on...i was never a brave sort!

 

[Marsia]

I am impressed! I remember those banana seat bikes, always wanted one but never happened. You were lucky!

I'd have been in your pack, or wanted to be anyway! Where did you grow up?

Glad you are feeling better.

That's still my favorite bike, ever. I often miss it. That would have been nice to have you in our pack! I was born in CA, but we moved to upstate NY by my grandparents when I was 4, and I grew up there in a tiny town of 300 people next to a sweet little river. Thanks, I am feeling a little weird still - my mouth is sore and so are my lymph nodes under my jaw, but I am having a lot of hot water with lemon in it and am feeling pretty good.

Slightly sore muscles are the best feeling. Just enough to feel like you've been active but not so much it's really in the way.

I agree. Today we went past the beautiful farm on our bikes to a boat harbor we have only visited by car. It was so beautiful and misty out which makes the marshes look magical. The wildflowers are all out and we have to go back and take pics soon. So probably more good sore muscles tomorrow!

Thanks Cate!

That smoothie sounds delicious!
I hope you aren't coming down with anything and that you're feeling recovered by now.
I also had a banana seat bike as a kid--no jumping off it though--my goal was always to try and stay on...i was never a brave sort!

It was so good! I wish they made banana seat bikes for adults. That was the best bike ever!!

Today I had a contractor over to look at the house, so we cleaned the whole house and porch and folded 3 massive loads of laundry so it looked nice, before going on our epic bike ride. Then we got home and carved pumpkins and watched Ghost Busters. Nice day, and I did really well with food because I can't eat sugar or caffein with my mouth being all sensitive. It gets like this occasionally and I just have to eat well.