Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Thanks Llama and Cate! It was such a fun flea market, and they may have more of these multiple times of the year. I am really excited about art therapy and about the future now!

K's individual therapist recommended going to see a psychiatrist for medicine for anxiety and depression, which makes me relieved. While her depression is getting better, the anxiety in the mornings especially is getting worse. The therapist thinks this will greatly help therapy to not be overwhelmed with emotions, too. I am hopeful because the newer medications don't have so many side effects and can help with both problems. I saw my therapist today, which was so incredibly helpful. She helps me make sense of what I am up against, and tells me that I am doing really well with everything. She actually tells me stuff that I just feel like I figure out on my own but then doubt. I feel a really good camaraderie with her.

Today was a drive around like crazy day and eat the stuff we threw together in a lunch box before we left (hummus and veggie chips for lunch and dinner - ugh!). At least breakfast was fresh tomatillos from the garden made into a quick salsa verde with scrambled eggs. Tomorrow will be a nearly no carb day - my stomach feels so gross! However, I picked up my first ever pair of bifocals, and I think I am getting the hang of them. The earth no longer sways precariously below me, for the most part. We stopped and got some drumsticks at a music store so we can learn to drum together, too. We were supposed to go to writing class, but the eye doctor took so long to put our new lenses in our glasses frames that we would have missed a lot of class. K had group therapy, and the group had fun telling her all about what going to a psychiatrist is like, and what medicines to avoid, etc. They joked around a lot and K is in a really good mood now. I like how kids can make even talking about visiting the psychiatrist fun.

 

[Llama]

That all sounds super positive. Needing meds is never great but getting access to them when you do is. Like Cate said: sounds like you're looking toward the future again and it looks bright!

 

[liza3]

I really like the sound of K's group therapy--I always found that to be the most comforting in my worst anxious times-to be with others in the same boat and to be able to laugh and joke about it all as well as get good info from other people's experiences. It's a real testament to group therapy that I can look back on one of my worst times anxiety-wise with fondness because of those bonds and connections I made with people...even my psychiatrist at that time was part of that actually!
So great about the fun flea market too!

 

[Cate]

I saw my therapist today, which was so incredibly helpful. She helps me make sense of what I am up against, and tells me that I am doing really well with everything. She actually tells me stuff that I just feel like I figure out on my own but then doubt. I feel a really good camaraderie with her.

That’s excellent, M xoxo
I’d group therapy sounds so good. I love how kids make fun of just about everything!

 

[Marsia]

That all sounds super positive. Needing meds is never great but getting access to them when you do is. Like Cate said: sounds like you're looking toward the future again and it looks bright!

Thanks Llama! We went to the appointment and K's diagnosis is PTSD, which of course made me cry hysterically and that made the poor psychiatrist look really uncomfortable. It was what I thought it would be, but hoped not. I went home and cried a lot more, and it was a good, long overdue cry that I really needed. K cheered me up, and I told her that was supposed to be the other way around. She is so sweet. I do know our future will be really good, especially with all these wonderful people helping us through this.

I really like the sound of K's group therapy--I always found that to be the most comforting in my worst anxious times-to be with others in the same boat and to be able to laugh and joke about it all as well as get good info from other people's experiences. It's a real testament to group therapy that I can look back on one of my worst times anxiety-wise with fondness because of those bonds and connections I made with people...even my psychiatrist at that time was part of that actually!
So great about the fun flea market too!

I love hearing all the kids come out of the group therapy session. They are so loud and gleeful and it's just so amazing how the power of a group of people going through similar things can be so uplifting!

That’s excellent, M xoxo
I’d group therapy sounds so good. I love how kids make fun of just about everything!

I agree, there is almost nothing better than laughing at our troubles!

I had a rollercoaster day of emotions today. I feel like a wrung out sponge. I got that uncanny valley effect thinking about J, and freaked myself out, but I am better now. I emailed my lawyer about things and when I do this, it calms me down that I have someone so kind and competent helping me make good decisions. I have never had anywhere near this level of support, and it really is sinking in how completely lucky we are. And knowing where we really might live and having potential careers picked out helps immensely, too. I need to do more yoga and aerobic exercise. All the driving around and stressful appointments need to be balanced out. Food wasn't great today - the rest of the week should be peaceful and mostly at home. I have lots of veggies in the fridge to prepare, which I am really looking forward to.

 

[Llama]

We went to the appointment and K's diagnosis is PTSD, which of course made me cry hysterically and that made the poor psychiatrist look really uncomfortable. It was what I thought it would be, but hoped not.

Does the word really matter when the problems are the same?

 

[Cate]

Marsia, please try not to beat yourself up about any of this. K will recover from this & it seems that she is already starting to heal. I can see you getting one another through all of this. Sometimes it will be you getting her through, sometimes her getting you through. Because you are the mother does not mean that you bear all of the responsibility & load. You're a unit, you two. A strong, family unit. You have had an emotional day. They just have to happen. Sending you lots and lots of love xoxo

 

[Marsia]

Does the word really matter when the problems are the same?

It is an irrational emotional response I was having because the diagnosis was something I knew was probably true, but I was subconsciously holding out hope this was not as long term and seriously debilitating as it looked. PTSD is a much worse diagnosis than many other forms of anxiety and once a person is traumatized to this degree, potential future traumas tend to trigger the symptoms all over again, unlike if you get over a lesser anxiety disorder.

Marsia, please try not to beat yourself up about any of this. K will recover from this & it seems that she is already starting to heal. I can see you getting one another through all of this. Sometimes it will be you getting her through, sometimes her getting you through. Because you are the mother does not mean that you bear all of the responsibility & load. You're a unit, you two. A strong, family unit. You have had an emotional day. They just have to happen. Sending you lots and lots of love xoxo

Thank you so much Cate. I did beat myself up and felt like a horrible mom that I didn't put together the clues. It was K who helped me see that J fools everyone - his whole family looks up to him, he consults with friends' startups that he has no business giving his opinion on because he just assumes he's an expert in things he knows nothing about, and his friends all rely on his advice and think really highly of him, too. That really helped to be reminded of. I don't think it's helped that the therapist coordinating things doesn't bother to look up my name - she refers to me as "Mom" and her bedside manner is rather accusatory. The psychiatrist didn't know what to do with a crying mom yesterday, and I felt so weird for bursting out crying in her office.

Thank you for keeping me looking at all the positives and how we will get through this. And thanks for the perspective that I can't always be the strong one like the therapists are expecting me to be. They keep telling me that I am modeling self care and things like that to my daughter now, and it's good advice, but I'm already so stressed that having an added thing to be sure I am modeling is adding a bit more pressure, especially given my constant struggle with self care even before this. It really helps that you are reminding me of all the positives in our relationship and that we'll be ok at the end of this. I am much better today, and looking forward to being home and not driving around madly from appointment to appointment. It's not time do get up yet. I think I'll go back to sleep for a little while. !

 

[liza3]

Sending you a big hug Marsia
I really like and agree with what Cate said. I am glad you are feeling better. I can imagine the upset at getting a diagnosis that you feared. I do hope it will be helpful to understand what exactly K is dealing with and what therapies can be most helpful. You two both sound wonderfully resilient and very resourceful at putting things in place and moving ahead with what needs to be done to get better so I have complete faith that you will continue to do just that!

 

[Emilyrose]

I think you needed to allow yourself that big cry Marsia. Nothing embarrassing about that. The therapist just referring to you as 'Mom' doesn't sound great to me. You are doing so well - just keep swimming and giving K all the support you can.

 

[Cate]

I have to admit to feeling quite angry that the therapist is putting so much pressure on you to be this perfect role model & doesn't even make the effort to call you by your name. You are not just K's Mum. You are you, with your own needs. You deserve your own space in this world & you need support through this too.
I have confidence that you & K will see one another through this. Seeing her Mum as a human being with thoughts and feelings & emotions but also someone who is on her side no matter what will be a great role model for K. You're a special Mum who loves her daughter very much & has her best interests at heart. No one could doubt that.

 

[Marsia]

Sending you a big hug Marsia
I really like and agree with what Cate said. I am glad you are feeling better. I can imagine the upset at getting a diagnosis that you feared. I do hope it will be helpful to understand what exactly K is dealing with and what therapies can be most helpful. You two both sound wonderfully resilient and very resourceful at putting things in place and moving ahead with what needs to be done to get better so I have complete faith that you will continue to do just that!

Thanks Liza! K's new medicine is working already. She wasn't anxious when she woke up this morning, and she took the other half of her pill when taking a walk this afternoon didn't help enough with the anxiety. She was tired but not anxious all day, which is a massive relief.

I think you needed to allow yourself that big cry Marsia. Nothing embarrassing about that. The therapist just referring to you as 'Mom' doesn't sound great to me. You are doing so well - just keep swimming and giving K all the support you can.

Thanks Em! The cries really helped, and I am over feeling embarrassed now. The coordinating therapist is a bit stiff and weird (the one who refers to me as "Mom"), and I am glad she didn't take K as her client, but referred K to a therapist who everyone says wonderful things about. She's only had a couple of sessions with the individual therapist, but from what she said so far, she seems like she's going to be really good. I love the Dory, "Just keep swimming" chant - thanks for reminding me of that. And thanks for the really nice encouragement!

I have to admit to feeling quite angry that the therapist is putting so much pressure on you to be this perfect role model & doesn't even make the effort to call you by your name. You are not just K's Mum. You are you, with your own needs. You deserve your own space in this world & you need support through this too.
I have confidence that you & K will see one another through this. Seeing her Mum as a human being with thoughts and feelings & emotions but also someone who is on her side no matter what will be a great role model for K. You're a special Mum who loves her daughter very much & has her best interests at heart. No one could doubt that.

Hi Cate, it was one coordinating therapist calling me "Mom" and another (K's individual therapist) who I asked for advice about how to best help K who mentioned at the end of her advice about modeling self care for K. I got bent out of shape with her advice to also not put any pressure on K (though she did tell me that she didn't think I was doing that, but just to make sure.) I do feel like I need to get K doing school work and I know she doesn't want to, so it's not as easy as just not putting any pressure on K. I didn't get a weird vibe from the individual therapist, but the coordinating therapist does tick me off at times. I was feeling like the one who drives K around to umpteen therapies and like I am not an important part of the team of people who are helping K though. I think with K's age, they probably figure we aren't as close as we actually are, and that they don't have to include me in any treatment plan. I am always shocked at how many parents aren't that close with their teen aged kids, and maybe they are just treating K as if she is an adult already? I do agree with everything you said though. I said almost the same exact things to myself about the therapists not treating me like I have feelings. They are all really booked up, and didn't ever take the time to talk with me in any detail, so they don't really know what sort of mom I am. I am so glad I have a really great individual therapist!

I really like what you are saying about us both helping each other through this. The social worker keeps mentioning not being stressed around K, not saying anything disparaging about J around K, not treating K like an adult, but letting her be a kid who doesn't have to know the adult responsibilities I am carrying around. I find these things impossible to implement, and K will be an adult in a year, so I don't think I agree with them completely anyway. K hates being left in the dark, too. So each therapist or social worker or whoever has their requirements for me as a mom, and I think I need to just do what makes sense and ignore the rest and not try to please everyone. I can't believe the team of people helping K - the social worker, coordinating therapist, individual therapist, group therapist, and psychiatrist.

Today was so better because K's medicine helped her feel so much less anxious. We were so tired today, but we had a really nice walk to our marsh and out the back field to a nice road that goes to the larger marsh and out to the main road. We took a pretty long walk and had a good talk. We got Scooby Doo videos from the library and watched them between school subjects today. I hope we are less tired tomorrow. I think we both got completely worn out from going to the psychiatrist yesterday.

Thanks everyone for all the support!!

 

[Cate]

and I think I need to just do what makes sense and ignore the rest and not try to please everyone.

I think you & only you know best

 

[Llama]

Referring to you only as "Mom" is utterly disrespectful*. Not because being a mom is bad but because you matter as a person in general and as a major part of K's support structure specifically. One of the things that would be important to model for K is that it's nornal to struggle sometimes and how to find the help and support you need. (Ideally from adult friends, family, or professionals and not your kid, of course, but I'm pretty sure that's what you're doing most of the time anyway and you don't have to be perfect.) And you're doing just that.

* I've been thinking and what might play a role in the coordinating therapist's cold attitude toward you is that she really could be suspicious. She doesn't know you and in many abuse cases concerning a minor, especially when the abuser has strong narcissistic tendencies, the other partner enabled the abuse even if they themselves never actively hurt the child. And since it's hard enough to lose a relationship with one parent, let alone two, the child will often hold fast to the enabling parent. See Jill (Duggar) Dillard and Michelle. Which can be comforting at first but in the long run make it harder to recognize healthy behavior and healthy relationships.
I can see how it would be hard for professionals trying to help K to reconcile the close relationship the two of you have with you not noticing anything was wrong. They can't look inside your heart and know you're telling the truth so they're keeping you at arm's length. If you were lying and they were all friendly with you now it'd be much harder for K to gather courage to speak out against you later. So while it sucks it may be something they're doing deliberately in order to best support K, just in case.

 

[liza3]

I'm glad K is reacting well to some meds and that your day was that much better as a result. Was there any discussion about different therapy approaches as well considering the diagnosis?

 

[Emilyrose]

I’m glad that K’s medicine is helping her. For what it’s worth, I think motivating her to get out of bed in the mornings and do her schoolwork is very important. Routine really helps during difficult times.

 

[Marsia]

I think you & only you know best

Thanks Cate! I actually feel that the only people I really respect as to taking advice in this situation are my individual therapist and K's individual therapist, and you are so right, I can do that in a way that I know will actually work. (K's group therapist seems really good, too, but I don't have any contact with her.) They are both very kind and supportive, and the other people follow rules in a sort of academic or rigid way which usually doesn't fit my actual life.

Referring to you only as "Mom" is utterly disrespectful*. Not because being a mom is bad but because you matter as a person in general and as a major part of K's support structure specifically. One of the things that would be important to model for K is that it's nornal to struggle sometimes and how to find the help and support you need. (Ideally from adult friends, family, or professionals and not your kid, of course, but I'm pretty sure that's what you're doing most of the time anyway and you don't have to be perfect.) And you're doing just that.

* I've been thinking and what might play a role in the coordinating therapist's cold attitude toward you is that she really could be suspicious. She doesn't know you and in many abuse cases concerning a minor, especially when the abuser has strong narcissistic tendencies, the other partner enabled the abuse even if they themselves never actively hurt the child. And since it's hard enough to lose a relationship with one parent, let alone two, the child will often hold fast to the enabling parent. See Jill (Duggar) Dillard and Michelle. Which can be comforting at first but in the long run make it harder to recognize healthy behavior and healthy relationships.
I can see how it would be hard for professionals trying to help K to reconcile the close relationship the two of you have with you not noticing anything was wrong. They can't look inside your heart and know you're telling the truth so they're keeping you at arm's length. If you were lying and they were all friendly with you now it'd be much harder for K to gather courage to speak out against you later. So while it sucks it may be something they're doing deliberately in order to best support K, just in case.

You put your finger on just how I was feeling with everything you are bringing up. The "Mom" thing infuriates me, and I think I'll tell her I am uncomfortable with this if she keeps calling me some anonymous role. And I agree, I think she either sees me as part of the problem in this whole mess or she sees me as completely ineffectual because I was so clueless about what was happening. That really plays into my self doubts about not seeing all sorts of horrendous things that were happening, but I am watching a lot of therapists and life coaches who healed from narcissistic abuse in their pasts and went on to become supportive people for other people going through this. It seems like you went through something similar, and I really respect your opinion on these things.

I'm glad K is reacting well to some meds and that your day was that much better as a result. Was there any discussion about different therapy approaches as well considering the diagnosis?

I'm so relieved that I am finally able to unclench my muscles and relax. I didn't even realize that my neck looked like a Star Trek Cardassian neck before this! The therapists have spent very little time informing me of what is happening or talking with me in general. and the psychiatrist is not doing therapy, she is coordinating with the individual therapist who is doing most of the therapy. I have a good relationship with the individual therapist, but as K is almost an adult, she doesn't share any specifics of therapy sessions with me for privacy reasons, and I mostly know what is happening because I ask K. The individual therapist has a fantastic reputation for working with trauma, and in looking up what she recommends so far, she seems to really know what she is doing.

I’m glad that K’s medicine is helping her. For what it’s worth, I think motivating her to get out of bed in the mornings and do her schoolwork is very important. Routine really helps during difficult times.

Thanks Em. That's just what I thought. It really helps asking you all what you think because these therapists are overbooked and I get emails from them really late at night or at 6 am, and I can tell that they have no time for anyone but their clients, so I really like having feedback on how other people would navigate this so I don't second guess myself so much!

Yesterday we went to the dentist again. K got her fillings done, and I got a second cleaning as my teeth were so bad after 5 years of no dentist that they had to break it into 2 cleanings. The dental assistant just went through a divorce and is around my age. She was so supportive and open about how painful divorcing is, even with her and her ex-husband still being friends. My teeth are so ground down from clenching them in the night that there are cracked teeth and ones that we need to get rid of some gums around in order to cap them because they are so short now. This is going to be so expensive, but J is responsible for paying for this. He is saying that he almost couldn't pay the mortgage last month, so I need to negotiate the payment of this with him. Maybe I can get on a payment plan with the dentist. Anyway, thank goodness for a good divorce attorney who had me put that J pays for health things not covered by insurance!

I didn't track calories yesterday, but did fairly well with food. I need to eat less salt though. I am definitely bloated.

 

[Llama]

That really plays into my self doubts about not seeing all sorts of horrendous things that were happening, but I am watching a lot of therapists and life coaches who healed from narcissistic abuse in their pasts and went on to become supportive people for other people going through this.

You are already a very supportive person and I'm sure you'll mine this whole mess for precious nuggets of experience that will further improve your ability to help others.
Also: I'm so glad you're getting your teeth fixed without falling for J's sob stories about almost not being able to pay things. Dental health is so important and you wouldn't have ground your teeth to bits if it hadn't been for the stress his antics caused.

 

[liza3]

Good for you getting that dental work started!

 

[Cate]

I think it's a good idea to ask if the therapist would use your name & not "Mom". It's mind-boggling that she doesn't.
I'm glad that you are having that dental work done-your poor teeth. I'm not too fond of sarcasm but sometimes it comes to mind. Usually, I leave it there. Poor J. My heart bleeds for him
Do you have anything nice planned for this week, M?