Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
Thanks everyone! Yesterday was mellow, but we also got a lot done. I applied for a temp agency which made me eligible to defer my student loans which are terrifyingly huge. I also put in the student loan deferment. K practiced for her college entrance test, and we did a nice day of homework with some new videos I found because I know nothing about economics and the book was incomprehensible, so I am happy I found good lectures instead. We went on the same golf course bike ride and skate board trip, but K got really tired and even fell off the board (she had on skater socks so didn't get skinned up thankfully) so we walked back and that was nice seeing the forest in slow motion and enjoying the water features on the golf course, two of which had sunning alligators in them.
I am practicing relaxing and thinking about positive outcomes of all this that we are going through because I keep getting a low grade depression sneaking in where my body is hurting all over and I am exhausted and grieving. While I think it's good to feel those feelings of grief, I don't want to believe the negative thoughts about things being hard or about how we might not be ok in the future. We'll be a lot more likely to succeed if I don't give my energy to negativity. One huge thing I learned from both Buddhism and psychology is that where you put your attention is what matters most. I want to put mine on how to succeed and make this experience a learning and growth-oriented one.
I am practicing relaxing and thinking about positive outcomes of all this that we are going through because I keep getting a low grade depression sneaking in where my body is hurting all over and I am exhausted and grieving. While I think it's good to feel those feelings of grief, I don't want to believe the negative thoughts about things being hard or about how we might not be ok in the future. We'll be a lot more likely to succeed if I don't give my energy to negativity. One huge thing I learned from both Buddhism and psychology is that where you put your attention is what matters most. I want to put mine on how to succeed and make this experience a learning and growth-oriented one.
Sending you hugs Marsia 
It is hard to not get sucked into negative/anxious thoughts but you do seem to be doing a great job on continuing to refocus on the positive which I also agree is important to do.
I can't imagine doing homeschooling up into the high school years--I would be lost in how to guide a person through so many diverse subjects--I can't imagine!! Nice that you found some good lectures on economics.
It is hard to not get sucked into negative/anxious thoughts but you do seem to be doing a great job on continuing to refocus on the positive which I also agree is important to do.I can't imagine doing homeschooling up into the high school years--I would be lost in how to guide a person through so many diverse subjects--I can't imagine!! Nice that you found some good lectures on economics.
Thanks Liza! I couldn't teach some courses, like calculus or physics, but thank goodness she is done with things like that, and what's left is easier stuff. I actually volunteered to lead the creative writing group if the current teacher needs to go do a family reunion thing because I realized that I really like teaching English. Thanks for the hugs, it's nice getting them. I am doing ok, but am constantly going back to feeling overwhelmed. I think sometimes it's good to just decide to trust the universe because the alternative is driving myself nuts.
Today was a not very productive day because K woke up feeling really off, so we didn't get schoolwork done before going off to the writing group. K liked the writing exercises, so we'll keep going for now. Then we went out for Vietnamese pho soup after that. K's was really good, but mine was a little too mild in the seasoning - I got seafood pho. Going out is so expensive, but I want K to have a nice remaining time here and not skimp too much. We had fun talking about all the best and worst things about the South and laughing, because we definitely don't fit in to this culture in any way, so it's been a really interesting culture shock for both of us, but especially K. She said that the best thing about being here is the really weird stories she saves up to tell her best friend back in CA. She's at her first group therapy session right now. The group is all kids her age, so I hope she feels comfortable with them. It's so hard since she doesn't have close friends here now.
I have been doing meditating each morning and we did Wim Hof breathing the last 2 mornings, and I really want to do that more, especially strength training with yoga which I need to build up to slowly. I feel like really getting back into shape and getting all my energy back.
Today was a not very productive day because K woke up feeling really off, so we didn't get schoolwork done before going off to the writing group. K liked the writing exercises, so we'll keep going for now. Then we went out for Vietnamese pho soup after that. K's was really good, but mine was a little too mild in the seasoning - I got seafood pho. Going out is so expensive, but I want K to have a nice remaining time here and not skimp too much. We had fun talking about all the best and worst things about the South and laughing, because we definitely don't fit in to this culture in any way, so it's been a really interesting culture shock for both of us, but especially K. She said that the best thing about being here is the really weird stories she saves up to tell her best friend back in CA. She's at her first group therapy session right now. The group is all kids her age, so I hope she feels comfortable with them. It's so hard since she doesn't have close friends here now.
I have been doing meditating each morning and we did Wim Hof breathing the last 2 mornings, and I really want to do that more, especially strength training with yoga which I need to build up to slowly. I feel like really getting back into shape and getting all my energy back.
I found this part of your post interesting because while I agree with you and I definitely think it's important to try to take 'the glass is half full' approach to life, I also think it's important to allow yourself to say, 'This fucking sucks.' I understand that low-grade depression feeling all too well - it just kind of creeps up on you, doesn't it? I've been feeling like that today.
Anyway, glad you had a nice evening out, even if your soup was disappointing. I did enjoy reading that K is gathering stories for her friends about life in the South. Sometimes bad or weird experiences lend themselves to a great story and lots of laughs with friends! The yin and the yang of life, eh?
Cate
Long term member
with Em in that I also think it's OK to say "this sucks". We can't always be upbeat & positive as we are mere mortals. Some days we just have to feel the feels & have a good cry or a scream & then try to work our way through the mire. I get down for no reason sometimes & that gets to me, but you have one big reason to get overwhelmed (J) & that is understandable. You & K are doing really well, M. Fast forward to you both living somewhere that you both feel at home in. It will happen.
Thanks Liza! It was really nice how much K enjoyed the meal and we really have fun with how badly we don't fit in here!It's nice that you are making the best of the time you have there and going out and enjoying yourselves. Good to have a good laugh together too
Yeah, right as usual, and I hope you are feeling better! We have decided that every weird thing we've been through here we are going to put in the "builds character" pile. What makes K really frustrated is that she is visiting another culture where they don't understand her culture, but they interpret it as her being weird, not her culture being different. I told her about me living in Seoul, Korea, towering over everyone, crying at the movies and being gawked at, and all the other ways I stuck out like a sore thumb. And I explained how the people there viewed every single thing I did as me being an ambassador of my culture, so I was acutely aware that I symbolized every American with every gesture and word I said.
It is really gratifying listening to her laugh with her friends when she calls them and she tells me afterward what new, strange Southern thing she shared about on the call.
Actually, I agreed with you and Em this morning. This morning, I just kept thinking how totally angry I am with the entire situation. I transitioned from grieving to pissed off. I realized that I can channel this anger into getting everything done so we can get out of limbo and go have a life. That felt much better! Thanks Cate, and Em, too!!
Fast forward to you both living somewhere that you both feel at home in. It will happen.
Today went so fast. We did school and prepped the pumpkin, and I put some aside for making pie tomorrow, and used the rest for a giant pot of coconut curry pumpkin soup that came out delicious. I put a lot of shallots, garlic, and fresh ginger in it and a lot of nice Indian spices and some chicken bouillon.
K is very perfectionistic (it turns out because of J), and last night got mad at her essay and told me how she has never really accomplished anything, and went on to put herself down a lot. I got grouchy and told her she was believing her inner critic and lectured her, and we went to bed grouchy at each other. So today I apologized and told her that J is status and achievement oriented, and that the essay isn't about that. Her grades and accomplishments will speak for themselves. The essay is about making friends with the admissions person reading her writing - it's about telling an interesting story while showing why it is interesting from her perspective. She is writing about herself as herself, so can tell a good story and also show how it is meaningful to her, and both those things show the admissions person who she is.
I am not achievement oriented, and that stuff freaks me out, so I think I need to go get a self compassion book out of the library and read some to K. There is a really good workbook on self compassion at the library by a fantastic self compassion researcher.
Anyway, didn't exercise yet, but ate well today and feel much better now that I am owning my sadness and anger!
Well-channeled anger is a lot less scary than fear or sadness. Also: in my experience people who see cultural differences as weirdness (and not even shared weirdness but only ever on the side of the Other) are limiting themselves terribly. I quite liked the fact that - when I first got here - people assumed all my weirdness was due to my foreignness so for once in my life I didn't feel like a weirdo.
Cate
Long term member
I love your idea of putting all the weird Southern things into the build character pile. Try to get them down on paper. You will have stories to tell for the rest of your lives.
I love this
alligatorob
Respected Member
LOL, I am probably one of those you would consider a weird southerner. Born in Louisiana, raised there and Florida, pretty much a redneck or cracker here... I do understand the problem, its always hard to fit into a different cultural thing. Now as a transplanted southerner living in Mormon Utah I feel it a lot. However it can be interesting and sounds like you and K are making the most of it. But so long as you stay you will always be a yankee...
Too many of us are, its an unachievable goal, does no one good. As I think Cate once said here perfect is the enemy of good. But K is young and I am sure your guidance is helping her. She will turn out fine.
I can sometimes be achievement oriented, but getting less so as I age. I don't think I have ever been status oriented, in fact I have always resisted the whole status thing. People are people, don't want to miss the good ones by any kind of prejudice... And I believe you are certainly one of the good ones. Maybe that's the kind of status I look for.
Yes, I have so much more energy and clarity now that I am using my anger to overcome self doubt and self blame. It's really helping me cut through to what things I can actually accomplish, so I stop going in circles wondering when I can make any decisions while not knowing any financial outcomes. Instead I am just researching potential places for really practical things like how strong their economies are, housing prices and markets, how creative the place is, can we travel from this place to other creative places easily, can I garden there, ...
I really agree about people really limiting themselves by not being open to new types of people. It's great you feel at home where you are and accepted!!
K's boyfriend and his friend had really close-minded friends who made K feel really bad about herself. And K's boyfriend and friend had moms who befriended me and then were really pushy and expected me to take their advice to the letter or they were angry at me. I had never met such opinionated acquaintances before, and it was sort of ok until they both got involved in K's relationship imploding, and then they were just awful. I am so happy to have new moms to hang out with now at the writing group. Phew!
It's really wonderful soup, and I have trouble not going back for seconds! We made the pumpkin pie last night and it's even better than I remember. I must go get another pumpkin or two from the same store. It was so sweet and meaty and everyone here on the forum talking about what to do with roasted pumpkin made me want to make some more!
I am hoping that K will like the self compassion stuff. So far the books I've read her don't resonate, but I think I haven't found the right (almost said "perfect"!) book yet.
I love all the idiosyncrasies here. Just the little things like how pickup trucks will cross the grassy center divider and do a random u-turn anywhere astound us. It's like everywhere there is grass is a potential new road! And we definitely have to write down all the cool expressions so we don't forget them!I love your idea of putting all the weird Southern things into the build character pile. Try to get them down on paper. You will have stories to tell for the rest of your lives.
I love this
A lot of the people we've met in the South have been so kind and open minded and wonderful. K just had some weird experiences with very sheltered homeschoolers, got exposed to some sketchier poor neighborhoods which she hasn't been exposed to before, and things like that. I wish she had gotten in to a charter school where she would have met a way more diverse bunch of kids and found her people here. She did just get into the theater program and will get to learn sound technology with other high schoolers!
A big part of our problem is that we are used to hanging out with other artists and musicians and haven't found communities like that here yet. And I do feel like a transplanted Yankee! Is it hard living in a predominantly Mormon place?
Thank you for the kind compliment. It made me tear up!! I love Cate's expression that the perfect is the enemy of the good!
Not much new, besides K getting in to the theater program. We are both under the weather, so I'm letting K sleep in this morning. I want to get schoolwork done and have lots of nice time to take leisurely walks and things this weekend now that it's cool and nice out.
Cate
Long term member
I think I first heard the quote from Llama & it stuck with me. I just looked up it's origin-
"“Perfect is the enemy of good” is a quote usually attributed to Voltaire. He actually wrote that the “best is the enemy of the good” (il meglio è nemico del bene) and cited it as an old Italian proverb in 1770, but the phrase was translated into English as “perfect” and made its way into common parlance in that form".
Yay for K getting into the theatre program
"“Perfect is the enemy of good” is a quote usually attributed to Voltaire. He actually wrote that the “best is the enemy of the good” (il meglio è nemico del bene) and cited it as an old Italian proverb in 1770, but the phrase was translated into English as “perfect” and made its way into common parlance in that form".
This is great to hear. Channelling your anger into something positive is a great outcome.
Yay for K getting into the theatre program
It's funny--that's exactly what I thought of--I have made a similar sounding soup to that in the past and end up way over-eating on it...sometimes good to not make too delicious of food! But maybe a good exercise in self-restraint!
Lovely about K getting into that theatre program. Hopefully she can meet some like-minded people...
I really think so, too. I looked at the classes in sound tech. and they look perfect for her. It's funny because the theater thing is a perfect volunteer position for what she seems to be gravitating to most for a major - digital media, which does have some classes in sound technology and in theater.
Thanks Cate! Best being the enemy of the good really makes sense - both from the perspective of how comparing oneself to others usually just makes people miserable and how that competitive spirit can be taken too far so it is just feeding the ego and no longer being something good. I like this expression a lot!I think I first heard the quote from Llama & it stuck with me. I just looked up it's origin-
"“Perfect is the enemy of good” is a quote usually attributed to Voltaire. He actually wrote that the “best is the enemy of the good” (il meglio è nemico del bene) and cited it as an old Italian proverb in 1770, but the phrase was translated into English as “perfect” and made its way into common parlance in that form".
This is great to hear. Channelling your anger into something positive is a great outcome.
Yay for K getting into the theatre program
Thanks Liza! I should not have made 2 pumpkin pies either. Between the soup and the pies, I really need to watch it.
Today we got to the beach too late and the gate was already closed, so we did our normal walk through the marshes which was breezy and there was a raspberry colored sunset and so many happy people out enjoying it. We are getting a lot more accomplished as far as schoolwork in a day, and I feel like K is doing so much better cognitively. I have to go tomorrow to drop some things off to J and also my lawyers want a conference call next week. I was just getting more relaxed and forgetting so much about all the separation stuff. I am going to try to just be peaceful about all this and pretend around J that we have a good professional relationship. I am nearly done researching places to live and will start planning the next trip and just want to be living in the moment and not looking back to the past if I can help it.
That sounds like a sensible way of looking at it. I've had some volleagues who made me roll my eyes so hard I was afraid they might get stuck but when you're stuck working in the same place anyway you don't let on and put your best business-cordial face on to help things run smoothly.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Good for you! Just stay the course and it will all be over sooner than you think. You certainly seem to be keeping your head as clear as possible in getting through, it's the best you can do.
Sorry about the beach being closed... but marshes are nice, if the bugs aren't too bad.