Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
Thanks everyone! I love Crazy Rich Asians just for the bff from college alone - Cate she is a friend like T who will tell you in the most happy way to not give a rat's arse. You would like the film, I think. It's about confidence and finding healthy family loyalty, and the main character is really positive and likable. It's an old film, so maybe you can find it in your library.
Yes, swimming in the ocean was really restorative, and I want to do that a lot more. I am hoping to fix my bike tire finally this weekend, and if not, I' better just bring it to a shop next week. I miss riding bikes at the ocean, too.
Yesterday I went to my first therapy session. I got nothing done all day because the last therapist I went to thought J walked on water, so I was very nervous. This therapist is amazing. She really understands covert narcissists and really got everything I described and validated a lot of what I am doing. For instance she said it was good that I am being kind to him one time and then challenging the heck out of him the next and doing to him what he is doing to me. I'll have to ask next time why that is good. She said I've been through a lot and that she is really surprised how well I am doing and that growing up with a father with antisocial personality disorder served me well - I have a lot of the skills already that she teaches people who need to learn to defend against narcissistic abuse. I did ask her if there is a good part of J who does nice things for us, or if he is really incapable of truly caring for people. She didn't answer. I could tell that she wants me to figure that out myself. I suspect she doesn't think J capable of empathy, so he is not going to genuinely be a good person.
I have found a few therapists on YouTube who work with narcissists who say that over maybe 5 or so years you can get them to feel empathy again, but that it's a rare person with narcissistic personality disorder who is willing to do that hard of a work on themselves. Anyway, she says that I couldn't have known about the abuse with K and that she thinks I did a really good job raising her because K confides in me and seems pretty self aware and should be able to recover from this. That took about 150 pounds of guilt off my back. So I have a great therapist, and I am so so relieved you can't imagine!
We stopped by the bookstore and bought the Temple Grandin book on visual thinkers so K can underline in it and take notes in the margins. She is really happy that she now sees why she thinks differently from a lot of other people and will use this information to write her college essay on who she is as a person. Oh, another thing the therapist said is that Generation Z is going to save the world. I told her I agree, and that they have all this compassion and empathy. She agreed and said that they are facing all the issues that we are facing, but they don't have the angst that we do. I thought that was interesting. Maybe the age of narcissism will herald in an age of compassion. One can only hope!
Yes, swimming in the ocean was really restorative, and I want to do that a lot more. I am hoping to fix my bike tire finally this weekend, and if not, I' better just bring it to a shop next week. I miss riding bikes at the ocean, too.
Yesterday I went to my first therapy session. I got nothing done all day because the last therapist I went to thought J walked on water, so I was very nervous. This therapist is amazing. She really understands covert narcissists and really got everything I described and validated a lot of what I am doing. For instance she said it was good that I am being kind to him one time and then challenging the heck out of him the next and doing to him what he is doing to me. I'll have to ask next time why that is good. She said I've been through a lot and that she is really surprised how well I am doing and that growing up with a father with antisocial personality disorder served me well - I have a lot of the skills already that she teaches people who need to learn to defend against narcissistic abuse. I did ask her if there is a good part of J who does nice things for us, or if he is really incapable of truly caring for people. She didn't answer. I could tell that she wants me to figure that out myself. I suspect she doesn't think J capable of empathy, so he is not going to genuinely be a good person.
I have found a few therapists on YouTube who work with narcissists who say that over maybe 5 or so years you can get them to feel empathy again, but that it's a rare person with narcissistic personality disorder who is willing to do that hard of a work on themselves. Anyway, she says that I couldn't have known about the abuse with K and that she thinks I did a really good job raising her because K confides in me and seems pretty self aware and should be able to recover from this. That took about 150 pounds of guilt off my back. So I have a great therapist, and I am so so relieved you can't imagine!
We stopped by the bookstore and bought the Temple Grandin book on visual thinkers so K can underline in it and take notes in the margins. She is really happy that she now sees why she thinks differently from a lot of other people and will use this information to write her college essay on who she is as a person. Oh, another thing the therapist said is that Generation Z is going to save the world. I told her I agree, and that they have all this compassion and empathy. She agreed and said that they are facing all the issues that we are facing, but they don't have the angst that we do. I thought that was interesting. Maybe the age of narcissism will herald in an age of compassion. One can only hope!
Wrong J, Shrinkipoo
I don't think she can answer that because she isn't his therapist and can't diagnose him, let alone look inside him and know his reasons for doing things. It also doesn't matter all that much how he feels about things, unless you plan to get back with him. Which you won't, because he clearly isn't a safe person. The whole "there's good in him, I've felt it" is irrelevant as long as he has proven he's done hurting people. All that matters is to get him to DO the right things for as long as you're dependent upon him.
Cate
Long term member
I have ordered the DVD from our State Library, M.
Therapy sounds really good. I'm glad you found someone that you can relate to & yay for lifting that guilt from you. You do not need that.
Therapy sounds really good. I'm glad you found someone that you can relate to & yay for lifting that guilt from you. You do not need that.
I agree too. Maybe we are carrying too much guilt. You do have to hope. I have faith in young people.
You are brilliant, I love that you called my last therapist who sided with J "Shrinkipoo", plus nice walk on water joke! Also thank you for bringing sanity to my thought processes. I have been trying to figure out if there is a redeemable part of J in there in order to figure out how I should treat him, but you are so right, I just need to watch what he does and protect us accordingly. It doesn't matter if he is being horrible on purpose or unconsciously! Thanks Llama!!!Wrong J, Shrinkipoo
I don't think she can answer that because she isn't his therapist and can't diagnose him, let alone look inside him and know his reasons for doing things. It also doesn't matter all that much how he feels about things, unless you plan to get back with him. Which you won't, because he clearly isn't a safe person. The whole "there's good in him, I've felt it" is irrelevant as long as he has proven he's done hurting people. All that matters is to get him to DO the right things for as long as you're dependent upon him.
I can't believe how incredibly lucky I have been finding people to help us. From a west coast litigator I called picking out my first lawyer here on the internet for me, that lawyer picking out the second lawyer, and the second lawyer picking out K's first therapist who picked out everyone else, this has been one amazingly insightful, professional, extremely helpful person after another. It is like in a movie where everything falls into place and you have this dream team of people. Honestly, I wake up some mornings in this lovely house and realize I will never live in as nice a house ever again, and now I have all these great people helping me. If it weren't for the intense horrible stress, this would be a dream life in many ways.
I hope you like the DVD, Cate. We think it's really fun! Thanks for your comment about not carrying around more stress - I am still not sure if I should have known or not, but it isn't helping to blame myself. I just need to learn to never fall for anything like that again. I am really intrigued by my therapist. I can't wait to see how she coaches me to overcome all this. I am surrounded in lawyers and therapists who know how to outsmart narcissists, and regularly do this for a living! How totally bizarre. Meeting K's good friends, I really agree about having faith in young people. I really can't wait to see what K decides to do with psychology and technology or whatever else she decides to combine. She decided to just apply for schools that are strong in all the things she's interested in and figure it out as she goes along. That feels much better.
We went and picked up K's new glasses and it is such a long drive that we went out to a fun touristy town where we like to window shop, too and studied there a while also. Tonight is lots of yoga!
That is so good to hear!
So glad you got all the helpful people during such a difficult time.
Thanks all! That's really sweet of you to say, Em! The yoga really helps. We're doing 2 short videos back to back so we get a full body stretch now, and that's much better. Today was a relax at home day. We got good reading and college entrance exam practice in, did a bunch of housework and made cranberry crepes for brunch. I am starting to find less expensive, more industrial cities with an arts or music scene and houses I can actually probably afford. This is a huge relief.
I also have been thinking about how many Buddhist teachers say that much of our suffering comes from engaging too much in our thoughts about what is happening, when often what is actually happening in the moment is peaceful. That is really dawning on me the last couple of weeks. Things have calmed down, so I was able to let go and actually feel the pent up panic and worry that I'd been squashing down. Now I am feeling less panicked and less anxious so I am starting to be able to cope better. For instance, this morning we were both out of sorts and sad and tired, so we watched a Disenchantment episode, took a nap, and started the day over. That was so much better than fighting the sad feelings all day and dragging ourselves around. It's like we hit reset and had one short sad and tired day and then another much better day.
I also have been thinking about how many Buddhist teachers say that much of our suffering comes from engaging too much in our thoughts about what is happening, when often what is actually happening in the moment is peaceful. That is really dawning on me the last couple of weeks. Things have calmed down, so I was able to let go and actually feel the pent up panic and worry that I'd been squashing down. Now I am feeling less panicked and less anxious so I am starting to be able to cope better. For instance, this morning we were both out of sorts and sad and tired, so we watched a Disenchantment episode, took a nap, and started the day over. That was so much better than fighting the sad feelings all day and dragging ourselves around. It's like we hit reset and had one short sad and tired day and then another much better day.
They 100% do, unless predators see and eat them while they're on their way back. Do you know what kind of caterpillars they are? Might be interesting to identify them and decide whether or not to let them eat your crops based on how rare the adult moths/butterflies are.
I think that's what anxiety is about (contrasted with fear): while you wouldn't be calm if a predator swooped down to pick you off the lawn you would be completely focused on the now and possible solutions rather than fretting about every sound and shadow like you did moments earlier.
Hi Llama, I need to take a picture of the caterpillars when I see them to identify them online. They are like monarch caterpillars except more green. They are voracious and eat the entire leaf they are on before moving on, but I think they're beautiful so I won't kill them. I should bring them far away from the garden to the meadow instead though.
With anxiety, I think you are right, I am trying to control how safe we are by being constantly vigilant, but it just wears me out. I would have far more internal resources available if I stopped seeing danger in every shadow. I am trying to practice more gratitude and really appreciate our house and lovely surroundings before we move. That really helps. And it helps doing things like thinking about how proud I am of K and all that she's accomplished and overcome in her life so far.
I was watching something on our economy as far as housing, and last year the median home price in the US was $100K less than it is this year! I think that is what was causing so much anxiety looking for an affordable place to live. There isn't going to be much of a middle class much longer if housing keeps doing this. However, now that I found some places that are interesting and more affordable, I feel good because if I found these places, other people will soon, too, and these places will stay vibrant and interesting with any luck. If not, I just have an affordable place to live and will hopefully have a little money to travel. I am looking forward to living in a creaky old house again like I did growing up. I love houses with character. Ok, I'd better get meditating (and hopefully not falling asleep while doing so!)
Today I get all the info on colleges in one document and we go over it and see how our next college trip should look. I want to go for a hike or bike or swim, too.
I'm lucky in my garden as I don't have aggressive insects eating all the vegetables--they always leave me plenty I wonder if there are any particular companion plants you could plant that might help...
Yes for me it's definitely the hyper-vigilance that is the main issue as well--so exhausting!
I wonder if there are any particular companion plants you could plant that might help...Yes for me it's definitely the hyper-vigilance that is the main issue as well--so exhausting!
Cate
Long term member
I love how you are looking at this, M. I can picture you in your creaky old house, making it a peaceful haven for you & K. I love your attitude
Hi Liza. I don't usually mind the bugs, but they level whole mint patches here. The wildlife is extra tough in the South, including all the beautiful insects. There are the most amazing looking grasshoppers that decimate everything that's a green, and that's just once species. I think companion plants would really help, but I am not doing much new gardening at the moment. I am just letting what is there mature for now. I think once the Indian summer passes I'll put in some lettuce and some things that can handle light frost like parsley. I don't want to get too attached to a garden that I may need to leave soon.
Cate, I was having a nice time looking at old houses from the 1800's in different small cities. I grew up in a house like that and love all the old banisters and doors with cool keyholes and all that. It will be so nice living in a cozy old place like that again, hopefully! Thanks for the hug!
Today was really mellow because it rained buckets outside. We scrubbed the kitchen clean and watched happy movies and did some school and the day is already gone. Meditation went better and I didn't fall asleep too much. My belly is getting round again. If I gain another pound I am going to start calorie counting. I just can't let myself gain the weight back. It feels too good weighing less!
Cate, I was having a nice time looking at old houses from the 1800's in different small cities. I grew up in a house like that and love all the old banisters and doors with cool keyholes and all that. It will be so nice living in a cozy old place like that again, hopefully! Thanks for the hug!
Today was really mellow because it rained buckets outside. We scrubbed the kitchen clean and watched happy movies and did some school and the day is already gone. Meditation went better and I didn't fall asleep too much. My belly is getting round again. If I gain another pound I am going to start calorie counting. I just can't let myself gain the weight back. It feels too good weighing less!
Thanks Liza, Cate, and Llama! I am doing better with food with the threat of having to track calories. I am destressing a lot today. Meditated, did Wim Hof breathing and during the breathing exercises go sooo dizzy because I think I've been holding my breath, so we did a yoga for anxiety exercise (one for panic attacks) and it helped so so much. I notice how much that helped K, also. I think what happens is that the more I relax, the more I run into pushed down anxiety that is there because I just had to deal with everything without getting overwhelmed, so I didn't deal with big waves of feelings. Now that I am calmer, the anxiety is waiting for me to feel it. So this is good. I am feeling it and letting it pass now.
The writing class for teens is a mixed bag. K doesn't bond with the kids because they are so much younger both in age and in maturity. There is a huge gap in reading level, also, but the teacher is great so we'll stick with it for a while anyway. We all went out to a Halloween costume store afterwards and that was nice because I really like the moms in the group.
We are really getting somewhere with college stuff, and we'll just guess about the major as best we can and not stress. She can always change majors. We are studying now and about to go get milk and. veggies. Then time for a walk and maybe we'll make a quiche for dinner.
The writing class for teens is a mixed bag. K doesn't bond with the kids because they are so much younger both in age and in maturity. There is a huge gap in reading level, also, but the teacher is great so we'll stick with it for a while anyway. We all went out to a Halloween costume store afterwards and that was nice because I really like the moms in the group.
We are really getting somewhere with college stuff, and we'll just guess about the major as best we can and not stress. She can always change majors. We are studying now and about to go get milk and. veggies. Then time for a walk and maybe we'll make a quiche for dinner.