Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Washington has some very good schools, and if you stay away from the Seattle area the cost of living isn't too bad. Kind of like Massachusetts and Boston I guess. WSU is a good engineering school, and cost of living is pretty low there, but winters are cold... Its also not far from the University of Idaho, another good school, not in Washington, but close.

I wish I could do more road trips, but my wife is not willing... maybe one day.

I hope you do get to go on road trips. Do you think there are particular ways your wife wouldn't mind going as much like maybe in an RV or really comfy car, promising her favorite dinners out or things like that?

Thanks so much for the tips on colleges. I am awash in a sea of information and having some real world advice is really nice and helpful! I'll definitely look these up!

Temple Grandin is amazing!

I love her personality so much. People who tell you exactly what they think can be so refreshing and inspirational and it was incredibly interesting how she thought!

This makes me happy
I just ordered a Temple Grandin book from the library ("Animals Make Us Human").
I'm glad that K is processing the breakup well. What a great Mum you are, M. I'm glad you're so good at researching. I couldn't live where it was either really cold or really hot. You have so many things to consider! My late BIL grew up in Seattle and did his undergraduate work at the University of Washington. I'll send you a link about him. I really miss him.

The Temple Grandin book on animals sounds so gratifying. Let me know what you think!

I am really trying to be a good mom and I am happy that K wants me to help her with everything she's been going through. I am just astounded with how much K has had to go through lately. She's really strong, thank goodness.

I agree about not too hot or cold. We definitely want the Goldilocks climate where there is some cold so we'll be able to afford to live there, and some warm so we want to!

Isn't it amazing when you start to stretch and breathe all the tension you discover that you never even knew was there!
Great you are doing that for yourself!

Thanks Liza. I am still feeling under the weather from the smoke on vacation, but the stretching I am getting in feels wonderful!

Not much to report. We took the first month or so of summer and did homeschooling in a relaxed way, and now we need to get serious and do a lot each day and get packed and ready to spring into action - if only I knew where we were springing to!

 

[Cate]

I started going down the rabbit hole of universities in the US, especially for creative people & quickly jumped straight back out. I am in awe of your determination, M & research under such trying circumstances. Lucky K xoxo

 

[Marsia]

I started going down the rabbit hole of universities in the US, especially for creative people & quickly jumped straight back out. I am in awe of your determination, M & research under such trying circumstances. Lucky K xoxo

Thanks Cate! There is so much to consider with picking a college. I always wish there were a big book of careers people could look through. I guess we could make an app for this with interviews of people from all different fields so everyone could see what each field is like and how much it pays, etc. Wading through YouTube and college websites and such for this is hard, especially because I need to find an affordable college town where I can live there, too.

K told me yesterday that she now realizes that the only reason she was going into computer science is because everyone assumed that she wanted to, and J assumed that she would do a STEM career like he wanted for her. She felt that was what she was supposed to do. She really wants to go into psychology. I did find a good book I could order on what it's like in all the different aspects of the field of psychology - research (plus teaching), clinical, and specialized fields. I am giving her some time to see if she still wants to do computer science as a practical career that she does have the aptitude for or maybe just the new media with more graphic design aspects and just a little programming thrown in, or switch to something else. We really may need to not apply for colleges this year because she is so up in the air about what she wants. It's really important that I support her decisions because J just told her what he wanted for her no questions asked (and I didn't know that was happening), but I do want K's decision to be practical because we may not have much money except to go to a 2 year community college, especially if everything we can choose will be out of state tuition. Everything is so up in the air. Ugh! I am stressing about student loan payments for myself - a whole different story about how J didn't want me to work but didn't lift a finger to help pay off my student loans. I can't wait until things aren't such a mess. Sorry to write about stressful stuff all the time now. I am hoping for things to calm down soon!

Yesterday after we did yoga K noticed that she could breathe out stress and relax her muscles. This is a big thing, because she hasn't been able to consciously relax her muscles before. I think yoga will be an everyday thing now.

 

[liza3]

Sorry to hear things are feeling so stressful, but I am glad you feel you can write honestly here about what's actually going on for you. Having a gap year to just take things a little easier sounds like a nice plan.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza. It does feel really good to be honest about what is happening and just face things as they come. I feel like I am getting a better relationship with stress where I honor it but don't get as sucked into it somehow. Things went better today. We are looking at maybe just the digital media programs now that have some programming, but not intensive like with computer science. We did yoga and Wim Hof breathing and did nice classes today at a relaxed pace. There is just too much going on lately, and I want to simplify our days for a while and just do exercise, relaxation exercises, classwork, and something fun each day. In between I did do little stuff for the separation, but tried to just view it as stress relief of getting these things accomplished so they don't build up and bother me.

We went out to buy grapes and salad mix and now are in the bookstore cafe. It's good to catch up on diaries and focus on the nice things in life like online friends!

 

[liza3]

That's great you are learning how to cope with the stress without it overwhelming you so much. Getting into a nice routine of classes, relaxation exercises and something fun each day sounds great!

 

[Cate]

I am really glad that you feel free to share what's going on in your life with us. Life isn't all rosy & it's good for us to be able to express how we feel.
It sounds like K needs some time to work through everything & to know herself & what she wants in life. I hadn't a clue at that age. Your yoga sounds so good. I have tried deep breathing to release my stress but I think it would take years of practice for it to become a habit.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza and Cate. It was good this morning getting stuff done and setting up a nice routine. That alone helps me a lot with stress, like Liza talks about. I'm glad you both don't mind how much stress I am posting about. It's really helping me a lot to have support through all this.

I agree about K needing time to figure out her life. We may just put off applying to colleges until next year, but if there is some amazing college that is a no-brainer that we should just move near and enroll, we might consider that, too. I had no clue about what to go into at that age, and now that I have a master's degree am still not completely sure what to do.

I am sitting in a therapy waiting room. It's K's first session with the therapist who might refer her to a specialist, but the therapist wanted to meet with her first and see. I was in the room at first and then got asked to leave so they can talk privately. I feel a little worried that I talked too much because it was hard not to talk about how much I didn't know about all the things K went through. Anyway, it's good to write in my diary and not be focused on how I don't know what is happening in the therapy room.

I really want this year to be about figuring ourselves out and getting rid of what we no longer need possession-wise and emotional-wise and moving on. I want to really have good routines for getting emotionally and physically stronger and more flexible. I also want to look at how much stress we have and how to lessen it when we can. This morning was good. We did a good solid morning of schoolwork and in-between we mopped the kitchen floor, did dishes, and did laundry and then did errands on the way here. We still have to do our yoga and breathing when we get home.

 

[Cate]

I blather on when I'm nervous(or excited) & I can imagine how you must feel not knowing everything that has happened with K or what is going through her mind. The truth is we just can't. As good & kind & loving a mother you just can't fix everything or know everything. She will know that you have her back & that is so important.

I really want this year to be about figuring ourselves out and getting rid of what we no longer need possession-wise and emotional-wise and moving on. I want to really have good routines for getting emotionally and physically stronger and more flexible. I also want to look at how much stress we have and how to lessen it when we can.

I will try to do this too

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Cate! That helps because I do second guess myself a lot about how much more I should be protecting K from the world, but I also hated being over-controlled as a kid. That balance is really hard for me to be comfortable with.

Here's to leaving behind a lot of stress and worry this year!

 

[alligatorob]

K told me yesterday that she now realizes that the only reason she was going into computer science is because everyone assumed that she wanted to, and J assumed that she would do a STEM career like he wanted for her. She felt that was what she was supposed to do. She really wants to go into psychology.

I think it is most important to study and go into something you will like. Its the rest of her life, she needs to be happy. Making a living is of course important and needs to be a part of the consideration, but probably second to being happy. And it is really hard to predict the future of many career paths, who knows with all the people now into computers there could be a glut soon. Or not... hard to know. On the other hand its not as hard to know what you like.

I agree about K needing time to figure out her life.

She's young with the luxury of time, a good decision is more important than a quick one, for sure.

2 year community college

Nothing wrong with that. I think for the first year or two community colleges can be a good choice. Particularly for someone unsure about where they are going.

You're a good Mama, with your help K will do fine!

 

[Marsia]

I think it is most important to study and go into something you will like. Its the rest of her life, she needs to be happy. Making a living is of course important and needs to be a part of the consideration, but probably second to being happy. And it is really hard to predict the future of many career paths, who knows with all the people now into computers there could be a glut soon. Or not... hard to know. On the other hand its not as hard to know what you like.

She's young with the luxury of time, a good decision is more important than a quick one, for sure.

Nothing wrong with that. I think for the first year or two community colleges can be a good choice. Particularly for someone unsure about where they are going.

You're a good Mama, with your help K will do fine!

I have a degree in psychology and it's really hard to use it. To practice, you need to at least have a master's degree and then do 3 years of nearly unpaid internships (or sometimes internships that cost you money because you have to pay for supervision) and take a licensure test for your state. If you want to move, you have to check with your new state and see if all your classes count for their licensure, and you may need additional graduate school work or they might not even recognize your degree if it isn't an APA approved program or if you don't have a PhD. You also have to keep taking classes throughout your career to keep up with the advances in the field. And it's a burn-out occupation where most psychologists stay in the field less than a decade. So I really worry for K going into this as far as clinical or counseling psychology. But if she really wants to, I agree it would be really fulfilling taking the classes and seeing clients. She just needs to commit to staying in one state for quite a while and also to knowing how to handle incredible amounts of stress. I loved it, but had an ex-husband who didn't let me finish my unpaid internships and I never got licensed. I still have my loans from grad school (plus interest) and don't know how I am going to support her through a master's or a PhD program. But you are right about going into what interests you. I'll talk with K about this more. Maybe we'll buy that book on what you can do with a psychology degree and see if there are good alternatives.

I woke up this morning feeling optimistic and not stressed. It was really good talking with K about her therapy session. She got a lot of validation that her feelings are normal and felt seen and heard and I am really relieved that K will get more help now. Time to start the day!

 

[liza3]

Yes I think that's the sad thing about university--it's just so expensive and people can end up leaving loaded up with debt that can be so stressful...It's good you know what working as a psychologist would look like so that if K did choose that she would know what she would be up against...

This morning was good. We did a good solid morning of schoolwork and in-between we mopped the kitchen floor, did dishes, and did laundry and then did errands on the way here. We still have to do our yoga and breathing when we get home.

Sounds like you're getting into a nice rhythm with your days!

 

[Marsia]

Hi Liza. I like your idea of just letting K know what some options look like and leaving it up to her. Thanks! K is also contemplating waiting a while to apply to colleges to see what working is like first. She thinks of things like making a gourmet mushroom growing business on the side, too. She's grown her own lion's mane and oyster mushrooms before and it pays quite well if there is interest from local restaurants.

We were getting a nice rhythm going, but the last 2 days were therapist (a far drive in one direction) and eye doctor (a far drive in another direction). We went out to a wonderful deli before the eye doctor, because we never get over that way, so we went and got a pastrami sandwich with a feta, tomato, and cucumber salad and lemon square and iced tea and split everything and it was delicious and fresh. So we still have some homework and exercise to get in, but it's so nice doing an outing that was fun and not stressful like therapy was. It was good we went. I needed a different reading glasses prescription and am getting bifocals for the first time, and K's prescription changed a lot, too. The optometrist is really nice and empathized about our separation - she went through one, too, and understands. People are so nice about this.

 

[Cate]

What a lovely excursion, M. That must have been good for both of you to do something fun. I'm glad K has benefitted from therapy. That will also lift a little from your shoulders.

People are so nice about this.

You both deserve nice xoxo

 

[liza3]

Hi Liza. I like your idea of just letting K know what some options look like and leaving it up to her. Thanks!

Oh sorry-- I thought this is what you were already doing! I was just trying to say 'good job' basically

ut the last 2 days were therapist (a far drive in one direction) and eye doctor (a far drive in another direction). We went out to a wonderful deli before the eye doctor, because we never get over that way, so we went and got a pastrami sandwich with a feta, tomato, and cucumber salad and lemon square and iced tea and split everything and it was delicious and fresh.

I like the way you make the best of your outings. That sounds so good.

 

[Emilyrose]

Hey Marsia. I think you're in a very tricky position regarding the college choices but also the financial issues. My advice would be not to make yourself a martyr to K's college education. You also need to consider what you can afford and where you want to live that will give you a good quality of life also. I see you making sacrifice after sacrifice for others in your entries, and that is amazing, but it ultimately is not serving you well. When I have to make a decision, I try to go back to, 'Keep it simple.' Figure out what you need and where you would like to live and go from there. If psychology fits in with that, great. If the more tech side fits in, then go with that one.

This is not a criticism of you or your approach - you sound like an amazing mum!! You've had enough people telling you what to do, I'm sure. But it's just what jumped out at me. I mean well.

 

[Marsia]

Oh sorry-- I thought this is what you were already doing! I was just trying to say 'good job' basically

I like the way you make the best of your outings. That sounds so good.

I got really confused about how to help K research colleges. At first I tried to leave the decision to K, but then started looking at houses in the next state over from where I grew up. I grew up in a huge house on a quarter acre and our house was sold for $16K when we moved when I was in high school. I looked at rural houses in the neighboring state now and although it's been decades, you can't find a small house where I'd want to live for less than $300K. I started to realize this isn't the same world as when I chose colleges, and tuition has done similar, but not quite so drastic things. So do I feel like I need to ask K to keep in mind that we have very limited money and to choose well. I have been going back and forth between what Rob pointed out - that college majors should be chosen for your passion for them vs hoping K doesn't want to go into a major that takes 6 years to complete plus 3 volunteer years as an intern. I just don't think we can pull that off without her having a career that can help her pay for that.

Hey Marsia. I think you're in a very tricky position regarding the college choices but also the financial issues. My advice would be not to make yourself a martyr to K's college education. You also need to consider what you can afford and where you want to live that will give you a good quality of life also. I see you making sacrifice after sacrifice for others in your entries, and that is amazing, but it ultimately is not serving you well. When I have to make a decision, I try to go back to, 'Keep it simple.' Figure out what you need and where you would like to live and go from there. If psychology fits in with that, great. If the more tech side fits in, then go with that one.

This is not a criticism of you or your approach - you sound like an amazing mum!! You've had enough people telling you what to do, I'm sure. But it's just what jumped out at me. I mean well.

Hi Em, you are writing what I have just been mulling over to myself. I need to have a house where I don't have to move again - somewhere where I can have a nice community and a few fruit trees and a garden and a cat. I have been talking it over with K and this does seem to be the best plan. I like what you wrote a lot - thanks!

Today was good. I meditated this morning for quite a while and we got a lot of schoolwork in, and a bunch of paperwork done. We went to the post office and then for a walk in a county park with lots of big ponds and beautiful walkways through the forest. We had to really spray ourselves head to toe with bug spray. We have a really good all-natural kind that works on the industrial strength mosquitos here. It was really nice going to a new park and looking out at all the kayakers and happy people jogging. I will never get over how people jog in the 100 degree (37.77C) muggy weather. People are tough here! Home again and still being productive, but we'll stop and do my college workout dvd soon.

 

[liza3]

Yes you have lots to take into consideration for the next move and for the decisions about university for sure. I hope you can find a good fit that doesn't drain anyone's finances and fills the joy piece!
Yes to the jogging in the hot and muggy! Always amazing what people can handle--I suppose one gets used to it over time???? I would rather be the person in the kayak in that weather!

 

[Cate]

I really, really hope that you can find a place where you can put down roots & be happy, M. There are only so many times that we can start over. I imagine you living in that happy & content place that will also be a happy & safe place for K to come & go to when she ventures out into her new world. Imagine. I'm sure you will make it happen.