Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

The thing about measuring your life against money and power, as far as I can see it, is that there's no end goal. You think you'll be happy once you get a raise or a promotion but then you just have a new set of people to compete against. Even if you become a billionaire? Well, your new neighbor has 3 billion against your 1.5 and keeps a pet senator! If your focus is on money or power you're always going to look at how much more you could have, not at how much you already have and how lucky you are to have it.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Comparing myself to others always makes me feel horrid, and I never see people being happy who do the whole rat race thing. They never slow down and savor life, and this is exactly how J was more and more each year.

What a good person you are, M that you can feel sorry for J still. It is understandable to feel rage at what he tried to do & keeping your cool whilst standing your ground would be really tough. That takes real courage xoxo

I go between so many different emotions. I also think it's hard to let go of who you thought someone is vs how evil they turned out to be sometimes. Thanks for the nice compliment!

Today I had an intake with a counselor for K. She wants to refer to another psychologist with more expertise in this area of trauma. She did a separate intake with J and was really concerned. I was so happy that she cut through his bs and was able to see how shifty he is and got him to say things that showed how clueless and out there he is as a parent. I am so tired now. Phew that was intense.

We also went out to a grocery store and got nice sushi and then went to a cafe where we studied. And we went thrifting on the way home and I got 2 really nice pairs of flow-y cotton pants and a cotton embroidered olive green top I am going to really love. It was good to do nice things and balance out the day. I didn't snack late tonight. That feels good!

 

[liza3]

Seeing counsellors can be so exhausting--I can imagine even more so when it's concerning your child. Nice that you balanced out the intensity of it with some nice food and shopping. And very good cutting out the late night snack!

 

[Llama]

Great to hear J can't keep up his façade with the pros; I think that's always a bit of a worry in therapy settings. Fingers crossed the expert will have an opening for K.

 

[Marsia]

Seeing counsellors can be so exhausting--I can imagine even more so when it's concerning your child. Nice that you balanced out the intensity of it with some nice food and shopping. And very good cutting out the late night snack!

Thanks Liza! I finally found a place in South Carolina that makes good California sushi rolls. I am really happy about that find! It's heartbreaking having to have K go to therapy over something so serious. Her personality when she is happy is like a little contented lion, so having her be so burdened with things like this is beyond maddening. I am happy about resisting the late night snack!

Great to hear J can't keep up his façade with the pros; I think that's always a bit of a worry in therapy settings. Fingers crossed the expert will have an opening for K.

Llama, I am so relieved that the therapist was so persistent and got him to tell part of the truth. I also think he is slipping in recent years and can't maintain his saint-like facade anymore. I'm not sure why, but if I had to contend with the version of him from a few years ago, I don't think I'd be in nearly as good a place as I am with this separation. He used to be extremely good at hiding all aspects of his duplicity. I really don't know what changed, but I am grateful for the change. If the expert doesn't have an opening, I hope I can convince this therapist to keep K as her client. She is amazing and I think she would do amazing work with K. It just isn't her specialized area. K really wants to work with this therapist as well because she met J and could see through the facade and knows first hand what K is dealing with in a dad.

Last night we watched an old Japanese anime about a princess who had come down from the moon. She lived with a bamboo cutter and his wife in the mountains and had an idilic natural childhood. Then the moon spirits sent down gold and fancy robes for the princess, and the woodcutter got all status conscious and took the family to the city where they lived in a palace and he tried to get her married off to a wealthy mobleman. She capitulated with being educated and made to behave in a sophisticated way, but was miserable. The movie ended where she went back to the moon and the woodcutter was sorry for ruining her life with that whole status lifestyle. K cried and cried after the movie because it felt so much like her life. We are now exploring whether she wants a career like computer programming, which in part she picked so she'd be sure to get a job. She's really interested in psychology instead.

 

[Llama]

Most people don't really know what field would suit them best - if only because we don't get to experience all that many different ones before having to make a choice, especially since we generally have to start making big choices long before we really know ourselves.

 

[Emilyrose]

There are definitely practical aspects in choosing a career. We can't all live on the moon!

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Em and Llama. This is exactly our struggle. Having an Undergraduate psychology degree gets you the most stressful jobs that pay coffee barista pay, so you have to be willing to get your Masters or PhD if you really want a serious job in the field, and even then, licensing varies from state to state here.

Today I did a favor for J so that he keeps cooperating. He actually gave me back the money from one of my mom's retirement accounts, so I picked up the check for that and dropped off little shelves for closets and stuff like that, as I have the only car in the family now. I was so exhausted from yesterday and didn't feel like dodging his questions, so was super quiet and got through that ok. I am now twice as tired, but I have some money to pay lawyers now.

We had mango and tea for breakfast, and then forgot to eat lunch, so we were ravenous after we got home from running errands.
That is probably also why I feel like it's too hard to pick up my arms now. Time to relax and watch nice videos from the library. One is the 2021 Dune movie which I will count for economics if K writes a little paper on some of the economic ideas we've been learning that are in the film. I am going to do this with a bunch of other films for the class, too.

 

[Emilyrose]

Well done Marsia. So happy you have got some of the money back. Relax for the night, get a restful sleep and give yourself a hug from me. You’re absolutely brilliant.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Em!

 

[Llama]

Yay for getting back some of your money! And staying silent when you're too tired to be crafty about his questions sounds like a good strategy.

 

[liza3]

I hope K can find something that feeds both her soul and make her a good living at the same time. It is good to be practical on those choices for sure but excellent if you can find something you really feel good about.
And, as you are proving with your plans to go back to school, one can always go back to school later in life and make some new career choices so it doesn't have to be a forever choice. I've had a few friends do some big career changes in their 30's and 40's and it's worked out really well.
Wonderful you got some money back from J! Well done!

 

[Cate]

I am really glad that you are back here with us & are sharing what's going on in your life. You are doing so well managing J & keeping your cool. No wonder you have felt exhausted. Sending you & K lots of love xoxo

 

[Emilyrose]

Yes, sending you both all the love also. xx

 

[Marsia]

I am really glad that you are back here with us & are sharing what's going on in your life. You are doing so well managing J & keeping your cool. No wonder you have felt exhausted. Sending you & K lots of love xoxo

Thank you Cate! I love being here! We drove all day today - going to visit our first colleges tomorrow. There's a lot of drama in K's friend group here, and she had a hard day yesterday and today, so I am really hoping this will take her mind off things and we'll get a good idea of which majors K is still interested in and areas of the country we could move to.

I was so stressed the day after seeing J that I had to have a morning of relaxing my muscles in the bed because I was so sore, and when I weighed in, I was 3 pounds lighter. I got a sprinkler timer for the garden and brought a lot of huge potted plants in before we left, so hopefully everything will be happy when we get back. We're in a funny motel where pets are allowed, and everyone brings in their coolers. I thought I was the only penny pincher who brings my cooler in to a motel. We had nice microwaved mushroom and chicken Alfredo for dinner. It's really raining hard outside, and there's a lot of rain scheduled here for the next few days.

 

[Cate]

I find taking a cooler for food & drinks is a smart move. Eating out is so expensive & I hate junk food. It feels strange saying yay for 3 pounds lost when it's due to stress, but yay!
Good luck with the college hunting M & K xoxo

 

[liza3]

We drove all day today - going to visit our first colleges tomorrow.

Oh sounds like a fun little road trip! Enjoy!
And congrats on 3 pounds lighter! Always nice to see the scales go in that direction!

 

[alligatorob]

in and areas of the country we could move to.

Your college exploration trip does sound like fun. What parts of the country are you looking in? Will you move to the place K chooses?

we'll get a good idea of which majors K is still interested in

Always good to be thinking about it, but she doesn't have to commit yet, so it can be fun talking and thinking about. Is she pretty open to talking with you about it?

There's a lot of drama in K's friend group here

No surprise, she is a teenager. You are a good Mama, you'll get her though it.

when I weighed in, I was 3 pounds lighter.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks everyone! We are in North Carolina. We visited UNC Chapel Hill yesterday and loved it. However we were sitting in the beautiful arboretum eating our picnic lunch when we heard an announcement over the loud speaker that there was an active shooter on campus. We had to shelter in place in a building with a bunch of other people who were all quite nice people, and it was an ok experience, if a bit terrifying at first. We drove around Duke after that. While UNC is charming and friendly and beautiful (except for the incident with the shooter), Duke was imposing and austere.

K has trouble figuring out what she wants to do that would be practical, so we have good conversations on the topic all the time. I show her a lot of videos on the different fields, too. I think you have a good point that she doesn't need to commit to a major yet, and we do try to pick schools based on all the different related majors K is interested in. She likes computational media a lot so far. She is interested in using techniques that game developers use to make software to hopefully some day help people with anxiety and depression in a field called serious gaming.

 

[alligatorob]

However we were sitting in the beautiful arboretum eating our picnic lunch when we heard an announcement over the loud speaker that there was an active shooter on campus.

How did it turn out? These things are getting all too common, when I was in college there were lots of things to worry about. But not active shooters! I guess it can happen anywhere.

UNC and Duke are great schools, you are off to a good start.

K has trouble figuring out what she wants to do that would be practical, so we have good conversations on the topic all the time. I show her a lot of videos on the different fields, too. I think you have a good point that she doesn't need to commit to a major yet, and we do try to pick schools based on all the different related majors K is interested in. She likes computational media a lot so far. She is interested in using techniques that game developers use to make software to hopefully some day help people with anxiety and depression in a field called serious gaming.

Sounds like she is going through a healthy process, and even if she chooses something then changes her mind its not a big deal. Especially early on.

I know a guy who works for IBM, he does AI things designed to help veterans with PTSD. Seems some are more comfortable interacting with a machine than a person. Maybe a little like what K is thinking of, it's an interesting field.

 

[Marsia]

How did it turn out? These things are getting all too common, when I was in college there were lots of things to worry about. But not active shooters! I guess it can happen anywhere.

UNC and Duke are great schools, you are off to a good start.

Sounds like she is going through a healthy process, and even if she chooses something then changes her mind its not a big deal. Especially early on.

I know a guy who works for IBM, he does AI things designed to help veterans with PTSD. Seems some are more comfortable interacting with a machine than a person. Maybe a little like what K is thinking of, it's an interesting field.

They caught the shooter - he had returned home and they got him there. One professor lost their life to him though. Very sad. I think K is going to have too many options for what to major in. She is interested in so many things, but I'll keep encouraging her to talk with people in each department and get a better idea of what working in each field is like. Your friend's job seems super interesting. I know that Veteran's Administrations have trouble getting therapists who are qualified to treat PTSD to work for them because if they are good at treating intense trauma they probably will make a lot more in private practice.