Yes meditation is so good for giving that perspective isn't it. I like the Buddhist teachings in general for that as well. They have been so helpful for me through all sorts of both good and bad times.
Finding that balance with J sounds so tricky--how to talk with him, and have decent communication while at the same time being sure to maintain a sense of boundary where you are protecting your needs--you sound like you are finding an excellent way to do this.
I really love Buddhist teachings. They are so down to earth but also such a different perspective from the way I naturally think, so they are a really welcome thing in my life. I love seeing things from a new vantage point. Thanks for the compliment about my communications with J. Everything is so hard when talking with someone who doesn't value sticking to the truth, and I run the whole gamut of emotions dealing with all this. I'm glad that what I am doing sounds reasonable. I really don't feel comfortable with most interactions, but am trying to make peace with that being probably inevitable.
I think people can have different reasons to be money-focused.
- Maybe they've had to go without at some point in their lives and they carry a lot of fear of having to go back to that situation. Money may not be able to buy happiness but not having enough to cover your basic needs is extremely stressful.
- It could be that their family of origin used money as a marker of success - lots of people do - and looked down on people who didn't have as much.
- Some men, especially, see money as a marker of manliness. The oft-debunked but never gone alpha male nonsense will appeal especially to men who don't feel terribly secure in their manliness, for example because they don't look like what we're culturally conditioned to think of as manly.
- People can just be plain greedy and money can buy a lot of hedonism.
- Money can also be a way of keeping score: if I can take your money or stuff I'm bigger and better than you. Again important for people who don't have a lot of internal confidence and need to prove to themselves they do have value and they can play with the big boys.
All that to say: no idea, many options.
Thanks Llama! I like this list and will keep reading it over and thinking about it - I do know this stuff sort of, a lot of it does pertain in some ways, but I really don't think this way, and it's hard to see things from this perspective for me. It made me realize that J didn't have money growing up and felt ashamed of that. I think money is a sense of control of how people see him, which is huge thing for covert narcissists. What you were saying about going without seems really true for him. I grew poor, but it didn't bother me because we had as much as everyone around us, so it was just a normal thing.
Some people look at the game of life sort of like a monopoly board, where success equates to acquiring as much money and status as possible before you eventually kick the bucket. They completely miss out on the spiritual aspect of life and their soul suffers for it as a result, leading to all sorts of problems. I guess the thinking would be - while I am on this planet, I want to dine in the best restaurants, visit the most exotic locations, drive the best cars, make love to the most beautiful women/men, etc. I mean, there is nothing wrong with enjoying those things but ultimately, it's a shallow pursuit and none of those things make you happy for very long. Just my two cents.
I think you're right about this being the opposite of spirituality. I think that narcissists don't have an open heart, so spirituality is very hard for them, and power and hedonism (like Llama mentioned, too) could be their substitute. I do feel sorry for J that he is stuck in a shallow life. This is hard because being with someone 20 years, it's really sad seeing his potential and that there is almost no chance that he will realize most of it. Even though he deserves what is happening to him, it's still very sad to watch.
"I am really happy that I have an idea of what will happen next and can finally plan what to do next."
That must feel so much better.
"Does anyone have ideas about that?"
I couldn't come up with any more ideas than Llama or Em. For some money is power & they rarely seem satisfied with whatever they get. They seem to always want more. I'll never understand that.
"I somehow feel that he can't know that I am a complete push over."
Good for you. Hold onto your dignity, M xoxo
I feel like this, too, Cate, that there is a "hungry ghost" aspect to power and money, and it is so frustrating watching someone keep going after more instead of enjoying what they have. I think it was like that with affection, too, there was a bottomless hole that K and I could not fill for him because he needed to fill that himself. Thanks for the comment on holding on to my dignity, too. I was feeling quite surprised that I got mad without thinking about that particular issue. But having just almost been penniless and headed for a homeless shelter, I think there is a lot of pent up anger about that!
Thanks, it really helps to get different ideas on this because I don't like treating someone like they are a jerk who I don't understand. I really want to understand the dynamics of what I am dealing with and then use that to also keep K and I safe.
Yesterday K did a lot of independent study work and I went through estate stuff to see if I could work on anything myself and figured everything out that I can. That was a relief really understanding all her accounts, and actually calling and getting all my information straight. The internet here will be out for a few days, so I may not be on the forum as often.
Did a longer walk last evening, but ate late at night. My weight is creeping up. I really want to slowly shrink my eating window.
