Marking the 30th Day. A Reflection.
So I've stuck to my routine for 30 days without being forced by sickness or anything other than my own resolve. Yes, I feel proud.
Now allow me to spend some time to reflect what this process has affected me so far.
There were days, even until now, when I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself "All right, I did good today! I eat right, put in hard exercise, and I feel and look darn good!" Yet later that night when I hit the shower, I looked into the mirror, at my profile and down my thighs, I'd sigh... *damn brick-of-a-thigh still there and not seem to get any smaller. And that apple-lumps still hanging there... probably even bigger* (or so it seems). Then a twinge of frustration crept in.
Before, that's all it took for me to change my routine and went on to something else. Not this time. I shoved that thought aside and determined to do more the next day. With "changes do not happen over night" mantra in my head over and over again.
It has not been easy, dealing with personal issues along with a good decade of feeling inferior, losing my self esteem, self confidence, and self respect. Years of condescending remarks that I didn't look like the average Asian girls especially in terms of body-type. I was called chubby, fat, big butt, big thighs, big hips.
Yes, I believe "support" definitely plays a great part in weight loss journey, or in anything you do. But, I found what most important is the resolve within yourself. Of course it is uplifting to have someone remarks on every tiny bit of improvement you make. At the same time it is very disheartening to hear callous comments regardless how hard of an effort you have put into this process.
I think I have finally gained back some of my self confidence. I focus only on me and my goal. I learn bit by bit to ignore deconstructive remarks, yet still being critical about myself. And only what I do and what I think about myself matters.
My goal is to lose inches. I don't think I can be any lighter than what I am now. Well, I could, but it is unimportant. 30 days of watching what I eat, and routine exercises have gotten me to this point:
1. Shapelier thighs. Starting from the knees - up to the middle part of the thighs. In the first weeks, I still saw some bumpy areas above the knees, now it is almost gone completely. And the effect is a nicer curve in the inside thighs, from knees to mid thigh. The measurements of the thickest part of my thighs and hip still remain the same for the most part (probably budge by mm or fraction of inch), but I start seeing the difference regardless.
2. Tighter butt. I can feel muscles underneath the layers of fat. Yeah, it is still measured about the same, but unless I am blind, the shape has lifted up somewhat and doesn't jiggle as much as before.
3. My pants are not as tight. They are not falling off me, but I'm not bursting the seams or fabric anymore. The bulge overflowing from the top of the pants becomes smaller and less pronounce. Getting to be containable.
4. Lower tummy doesn't bulge/bloat as much during my period.
5. Firmer legs overall. I start to see gap forming between my thighs. No more fire-starter there!
Those improvements are what keeps me going. I am not quite where I want to be yet, but noticing little improvements help spur me further. It is very hard to do so when you see yourself everyday and every chance you got at mirrors. Those changes are gradual. Sometimes I thought, am I too forgiving or too critical? Whatever it is, reality check kicks in when you least expected; such what happened to me yesterday on the way back from starbucks.
Strange enough, you would think that after a month, you'd get used to the routine and didn't even think about it anymore; especially since I use the word 'routine' which usually refers to something not necessarily enjoyable. But my current 'routine' becomes something that I look forward to everyday.
Oh, and changes #6: I gained new addiction: I can't wait to go home everyday from work and hit the gym and my nightly exercise routine.
Thanks to ALL of YOU who took the time to read my Diary and commented on my activities. Always value inputs and suggestions.
