Jokes
- Thread starter allcdnboy1
- Start date
bep
New member
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, a "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, a "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...
mikelikes2bike
New member
Here are the rules men live by.
1. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
2. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate advanced knowledge of the game
3. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have wild drunken animal sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again.
4. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
5. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
1. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
2. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate advanced knowledge of the game
3. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have wild drunken animal sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again.
4. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
5. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
Ohappydaye
New member
Married Couples
This was in my inbox this morning.
This was in my inbox this morning.
bep
New member
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P Stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S Stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics.
...............................................
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P Stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S Stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics.
...............................................
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
reallynotpod087
New member
your so fat you fell into the grand canyon and got stuck
thank you thank you.. we'll be here all night..
thank you thank you.. we'll be here all night..
Your so short when you were standing on the ledge people were screaming "Don't jump."
niapage
New member
Post your funnies!!!Make some1 laugh
Here is 1 a friend email to me!!!!!!
Butt Measurement...
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
Here is 1 a friend email to me!!!!!!
Butt Measurement...
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
Nazarath
New member
LOL I like that one! Mines a little dirty but it's funny 
A father and son are walking down the street when they see two dogs having sex and the son asks "Daddy what are those doggies doing?" the dad replyed "uuhh well son their... making puppys" the son nods and the keep walking. Soon they see two more dogs having sex, once again the son asks "daddy what are THOSE dogs doing??" and dad said once again " their making puppies" Soon the father and son walk home and after dinner the son goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and goes to his mom and dads room.
He walks in on them having sex and the sons asks "Daddy... what are you and mommy doing?" the dad replys "well... son... were.. making a baby" and the son says "aaww c'mon dad flip her over, I would rather have a puppy"
I almost cryed when I first hurd this joke. Ok I have one more well I have tons but I'll leave here at 2 .
A skipper on a battle ship is looking over the horizen and sees a battle ship coming their way "captan! Captan! a ship is coming!" the captin replys with "fetch me my red shirt" after the battle they win and take the other ship as prisoner. The skipper asks "captain why did you ask for your red shirTt?" the captin says "well if I got shot knowone would see the blood and they would keep fighting".
The next day the skipper see's over 100 battle ships at the horizen "captin! captin! there are 100 ships coming!" the captin says "Fetch me my brown pants!"
hope you liked.
A father and son are walking down the street when they see two dogs having sex and the son asks "Daddy what are those doggies doing?" the dad replyed "uuhh well son their... making puppys" the son nods and the keep walking. Soon they see two more dogs having sex, once again the son asks "daddy what are THOSE dogs doing??" and dad said once again " their making puppies" Soon the father and son walk home and after dinner the son goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and goes to his mom and dads room.
He walks in on them having sex and the sons asks "Daddy... what are you and mommy doing?" the dad replys "well... son... were.. making a baby" and the son says "aaww c'mon dad flip her over, I would rather have a puppy"
I almost cryed when I first hurd this joke
. Ok I have one more well I have tons but I'll leave here at 2 .A skipper on a battle ship is looking over the horizen and sees a battle ship coming their way "captan! Captan! a ship is coming!" the captin replys with "fetch me my red shirt" after the battle they win and take the other ship as prisoner. The skipper asks "captain why did you ask for your red shirTt?" the captin says "well if I got shot knowone would see the blood and they would keep fighting".
The next day the skipper see's over 100 battle ships at the horizen "captin! captin! there are 100 ships coming!" the captin says "Fetch me my brown pants!"
hope you liked.
niapage
New member
Lol that was funny!! Here is another nice email from my "FRIEND" lol
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're damn special.
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're damn special.
CoachCrimson
New member
here is a few from a recent fav magazine of mine...
"I dont mean to be gross, but the only time its ok to say 'I have diarrhea' is when you are playing scrabble. Because its worth a shitload of points."
What's gray and comes in pints?
An Elephant!
^^This one took me three solid minutes of thinking to get it, then i laughed for 3 solid minutes straight, lol
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says. "Hamburger-$1, Cheeseburger-$2, Hand-job-$10" He beckons for an attractive blond behind the counter to wait on him.
"Can i help you?" she asks, with a knowing smile and a wink.
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" he asked.
"Sure am!"
"Well, please wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
"I dont mean to be gross, but the only time its ok to say 'I have diarrhea' is when you are playing scrabble. Because its worth a shitload of points."
What's gray and comes in pints?
An Elephant!
^^This one took me three solid minutes of thinking to get it, then i laughed for 3 solid minutes straight, lol
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says. "Hamburger-$1, Cheeseburger-$2, Hand-job-$10" He beckons for an attractive blond behind the counter to wait on him.
"Can i help you?" she asks, with a knowing smile and a wink.
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" he asked.
"Sure am!"
"Well, please wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
not a joke (cause I can never remember the punch lines) but a true story that made me lmao:
20-something guy in long, red, baggy shorts running on treadmill in front of me. Incline and speed set so high he had to hold on to rail with both hands. But shorts so baggy and loose they kept slipping down his (narrow) butt and he had to use one hand to keep yanking them back up. After about a dozen times of doing the one handed tug I guess he figured a solid two-handed tug would do the trick...so he lets go of the rail and firmly pulls his shorts up...and slid backwards off the treadmill on onto his butt, still tightly clutching his shorts in both hands.
20-something guy in long, red, baggy shorts running on treadmill in front of me. Incline and speed set so high he had to hold on to rail with both hands. But shorts so baggy and loose they kept slipping down his (narrow) butt and he had to use one hand to keep yanking them back up. After about a dozen times of doing the one handed tug I guess he figured a solid two-handed tug would do the trick...so he lets go of the rail and firmly pulls his shorts up...and slid backwards off the treadmill on onto his butt, still tightly clutching his shorts in both hands.