Jokes

Make Us Lauggh

Share your best jokes here:

One of my personal favorites... probably because my dad told this joke for years... and it's just cute...

A man is house sitting for his brother -- feeding the cat, getting the mail, etc. The brother calls to check in. "I’m sorry," says the man, "but your cat died."

"What do you mean the cat died? How could you do this to me? You should have prepared me for the shock," says the man’s brother.

"How was I supposed to prepare you?" asks the man.

"Well," says the brother, "first you should have told me, the cat is on the roof, but don’t worry, we’re calling the fire department. Then the next time we talked you should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could and not to worry. Then the next time I called you can tell me that the cat had fallen, but not to worry -- the vet was doing everything she could to resuscitate him. Then, finally, you could have told me, the cat had died."

"Sorry, I should have thought first" said the man, who was quite embarrassed at this point.

"So anyway, how is the house?"

"Um," says tha man, "your house is on the roof...."




Now the one time this joke wasn't funny, was my freshman year of college, when my mom called, and left a message with my roommate that my Aunt Claire was on the roof and to please call home... The time the punchline got kinda funny was when my parents were off in europe on vacation, i was living somewhere else and had borrowed their spare car (with their permission) for a few days while mine was havint repair work done... I was in a really bad car accident and ended up totalling the car (snow storm and the idiot who hit me didnt quite get the concept of stopping on snow) When Igot out of the hospital (i was in for 2 days) I wen tot heir house and left a note saying the car was onthe roof, please call :)
 
meh ~ I have no jokes~ but i had a dream that made everybody i told it to laugh there butts off (hopefully this will be of help to you ppl trying to exercise your butts off =P ...haha... i crack myself up... whoo... yea.)

well~ the other night I dreamt that my pet iguana ate my doggie and gave birth to puppies....

O_O.... k~ maybe that's just weird~ but my bf has bn telling this same joke to EVERYBODY~! =__= it's not funni anymore to me b/c he tells it so much~ buuut~ it made me laugh the 1st few times i heard it~

~~knock knock

~who's there?

~~little boy blue

~little boy blew who?

~~Micheal Jackson



---btw~ I have nothing against the guy~ but that joke's still funni xD.... hahaa.... yea~ =|
 
I think that this thread needs to be resurrected.

A guy and a girl are on a date. They have been to a movie, and on the way out the guy asks what she wants to do next. She replies "I want to get weighed". He is a bit taken aback, but says "Ok" and takes her to the local pharmacy. He gets her onto the scale, it prints out her weight and they leave. He drives her home and the whole way she doesn't say a word. He drops her off at her house and just as he's about to leave, he asks if she's alright. She says "No, I've had a wousy time ...." :D

I hope this joke works okay typed, you might have to hear it out loud ;)
 
A Warning to All Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape-drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
 
25 Phrases of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
 
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
 
Those are fab Mal!!! I especially like the funny comments, and they are soooo true ;)

I just thought I'd check,, is it okay to post rude gags. I work with a bunch of men, so most of the jokes I hear are very rude.

Here are some cleaner ones.

What do donkeys get for there lunch at Weston beach? .... Half an hour like everyone else ....

Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel down my pants ...... Does it hurt? ..... No but its driving me nuts!!!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? ..... Do you smell carrots?

:D
 
I dont have Jokes..I just have saying's..
Some say what i do makes em laugh but Meh..


A child come's up to me and ask's
"Why does it rain?"
And I think a sweet thing to tell the child is,
" Because god is crying"
And they recall,
"Why is god crying?"
And i think of somethink sweet again, and say,
"Probably somethink you did"


Not good..But meh makes my mum laugh..
 
Pirate Joke

A bartender watchs a pirate stagger into the bar. He could tell it was real pirate because of the peg leg, the hook for one hand, the patch over his eye, and the parrot on his shoulder. The bartender is burning with curiousity as to how the pirate came to have all these things.

As the pirate staggers up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender tries to engage the pirate in some small talk.

"So, Mr. Pirate, what happened to your leg?" asks the bartender.

"Aaarrgh, me leg? Wahl ah was vacationing on a beach, a crocerdile came up and bite me leg clean off." says the pirate.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That's terrible! But what happened to your hand?"

"Aaaargh, me hand? That thar be a shark bite." answers the pirate.

"Oh, that's horrible," says the bartender. "So, how did you get the eye patch?"

"Mmmm, eye patch? Aaargh, bird poop." Says the pirate adamantly.

"Bird poop?" says the bartender, confusedly. "How did bird poop make you lose your eye?"

"First day with me hook." replies the pirate.
 
I don't have jokes, but rather, questions to ponder...

1. Why is it wise men and wise guys are completely the opposite?
2. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
3. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
4. If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
5. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
6. Why are they called apart-ments when they are all stuck together?
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
(and my personal favorite...)
8. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, where do they get baby oil? :)
 
this one gave me a giggle :)

The Elephant and the Thorn

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
A man is sat in the pub minding his own business, when this old geezer in the corner yells over "I slept with your mother!!". The man just ignores the drunk man, but he persists "I slept with your mother, and she loved it!!" The old guy wouldn't shut up, so in the end the young man went over to him and said "Go home Dad, your drunk!"

:D
 
In The Beginning
IN THE BEGINNING (read the whole thing...)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPNand ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.
 
That was great Mal :D Very long, but WELL worth the read ;)

I've got one, but you have to know that quid is slang for a pound and it needs to be read outloud .....

Two whales were at the bottom of the ocean, one turned to the other and said 'oh, before I forget, here's that sick squid I owe you ...'

:D :p Sorry ... cheesy, I know ;)

Oh and on the same topic, another old one .....

Why did the sea cucumber blush ..... because the seaweed ....:D
 
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
 
Delaware Decision
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
 
ROTFLMBO...these are GREAT. Ok..I want in! I got this in an email a while back:

Here is a list of things to liven up your next outing to Wal Mart


1: Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3: Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4: Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watch what happens.

5: Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6: Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7: Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8: When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9: Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11: Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12: In the auto department, practice the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13: Hide in a clothing rack and when people would browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last, but not least!)

15: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and
wait a while; then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
Here's another that a friend shared with me that gave me a chuckle or two. Hope you all enjoy it. :D


Thanks to the Internet

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown ) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies or on certain days!
 
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