Jokes

There once was a dude about to marry a chick. This chick, however, had a hott little sister, and he could never keep her eyes off of her when she bent over in her little skirt. Anyway, this dude and this chick decided to get married. He proposed to her and she accepted. Shortly before the wedding, her little sister asked him to come over and help with invitations. He agreed. When he got there he found no one was at the house but her. When he walked in, she touched him and said: "I know you're marrying my sister in a week- But I have always had a crush on you... Please... Before you get married, why don't you pay me a little visit in my room? I'll be waiting..." And she climbed up the stairs. While doing so, pulling off her panties and throwing them at him. The dude, however walked straight out the door and into the arms of his fiance's father. He had tears in his eyes and hugged him tight "Congratulations on passing our test, son. I would be glad to have you marry my daughter!!" the father said to him...

... So, the moral of the story is: Always keep the condoms in the car ;-)

-K-
 
LMAO, nightporter!!!!!!!!!
:D
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knock Knock! Who's There?

Waddle.

Waddle who?

Waddle you give me if I go away?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found
four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!!!!!
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice --
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
I have a Michale Jackson Joke to gotta ask hubby tho cuz I can remember puch line lol!
Buy any hoot something little and most kentuckians know what a cornhole board is(a bean bag game)
But you might be a redneck if you prop your cornhole board up with a brick to make it levele
You might be a redneck if you you hook an airconditioner up in your tent while on a camping trip!
LoL The sad thing is both are true for me so I came up with the 2 redneck jokes need to patton them before jeff foxworthy gets a hold of them lol!
Tammy
 
Doctor, Doctor, I've got a steering wheel down my pants ...... Does it hurt? ..... No but its driving me nuts!!!
Click to expand...

I don't know why I just found that extremely funny this morning as I was drinking my coffee and thought I would kick it back up top.
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired .

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and
Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been
answered."
 
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those
two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
 
Ok...I heard this one on the radio this morning:

A teacher was conducting a taste test in her classroom. She tells one of the little boys to close his eyes while she places a Hershey's kiss in his mouth. She then asked him what it was, but he didn't know. The teacher offers a hint, "It's what your daddy wants from Mommy before he leaves for work in the morning." A little girl screams from the back of the class, "QUICK, SPIT IT OUT!!! IT'S A PIECE OF A$$!!!"

OMG, needless to say I almost wrecked my car this morning! ROTFL :D :D
 
Now let me just say - I love men.. they're cute and cuddly and can open up jars... not to mention take out the trash... this isn't man bashing - just my amusement...

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
(my personal favorite:
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
 
Men vs. Women


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

----------
EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

----------
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

----------
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

----------
ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

----------
CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

----------
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

----------
SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

----------
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

----------
DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

----------
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

----------
OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

----------
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


 
Beer Warning Labels

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
WARNING :
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an @ss.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN !!!

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make your think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into All other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.0, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application! < B>"Yes>Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT under any circumstances; install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support
 
Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
 
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
 
Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top