Jokes

The boss of a Madison Avenue Advertising Agency called a spontaneous
> staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
> one pretty sharp boss!)
>
> When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having
> fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was have a
> quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
>
> The only rule was that they had to use past AD slogans, originally
> written for other products ... but which captured the essence of Viagra.
> Slight variations were acceptable.
>
> About thirty minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created
> a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
> week went very well for everyone in the entire Ad Agency!
>
>
> The top ten suggested slogans were:
>
> 10. Viagra .. Whaaaazzzz uuuuuuuuuupppp!
>
> 9. Viagra .. The quicker pecker picker upper.
>
> 8. Viagra, like a rock!
>
> 7. Viagra .. When it absolutely, positively has to be there
> overnight.
>
> 6. Viagra .. Be all that you can be.
>
> 5. Viagra .. Reach out and touch someone.
>
> 4. Viagra .. Strong enough for a man, but made
> for a woman.
>
>
> 3. Viagra .. Home of the whopper!
>
>
>
> 2. Viagra .. We bring good things to Life!
>
>
>
> And the unanimous number one slogan:
> 1. Viagra .. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs .
>
> ________________________________
>
 
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"


~~~ what does it say about me or my mind that I got the elephant joke REALLY quick. Ug. :)
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
 
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
 
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."
 
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...
 
A Hungry Monkee

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps up on the bar grabs some peanuts ,eats em, then grabs some limes and eats them, then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender watching this screams at the guy "Did you see what your damn monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and rest of the stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. As he sits down and orders a drink the monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender watching yells out "Thats it!" "Thats the most disgusting thing I've ever seen"!

The guy says "What"?

"Did you see what your monkey did just did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures it first..."
 
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please, mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
 
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
 
Fat Theology
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.
 
I've had a major attack of the grumps the past two weeks or so - and a buddy of mine has made it his mission to get me to crack a smile --

this joke actually did it today -I can't quite say I laughed but - my mouth did smile briefly..



Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested
that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having
purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the
beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he
finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream
had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended
up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster
friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?" "Well," he said. "I
decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too." His lady
friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!
 
My Dog Named Sex




Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
 
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
 
Know your systems administrator

Morning,

As a former sysadmin, I always get a kick out of:



and don't forget:

"Hey! The computer says, strike any key when ready, and I can't find the any key!"

'course, my favorite thing to fix was the optical mouse pads for the Sparc machines. If they were rotated 90 degrees, the mouse would only move up/down or right/left. For some reason, many developers liked doing that to the non-techies in the office.....

Enjoy,

Barbara
 
i have seen that before and it still makes me chuckle -I'm sitting here giggling, and the unix admin wanted to know what I was laughing at... because he's definitely a technical thug :)
 
Hee hee!

Morning,

No matter what I'm doing, the lines:

# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd

(especially with the single quote, I'm a ksh scripter) makes me giggle.

And life wouldn't be complete without

Now *that* was classic..... Ah, the memories..... :)

Barbara
 
on any given day, geek humor is just funnier than regular stuff...
 
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