Jokes

Boooored... Need Jokes

Okay, let's hear some jokes. I don't care if they are stupid, or short, or long, but lets hear 'em.

Lemme hit you with a spectrum:

#1:
So, this baby seal walks into a club...


#2:
Joe is driving down the coast of California on his motorcycle, just really enjoying the beautiful day. BAM flash of light, and he is standing in front of God.

God: Joe, you have been a good man all of your life. I have decided to reward you with anything you could desire.

Joe: ... well... how about a highway from LA to Hawaii... That way I and others could ride all the way to hawaii, and just give praise to your glory.

God: Joe, do you know how complicated that would be? It would be a very selfish desire because it would take up so much of the earth's resources, and despite my ability to do anything, that would be incredibly complicated. Do you have anything else?

Joe: Well... How about this... This will benefit men everywhere... When my wife gets into a fight with me, and I ask her what is wrong, she says "Nothing is wrong". This sort of miscommunication between the genders is in almost every aspect of every relationship. God, could you make it so that men can understand what women want when they say the things they say?

God:
...
...
...
So, you want that highway to be two lanes, or four?
 
Hey James I love gr8 jokes to and here is a LINK I started a while back that has some good ones.
http://weight-loss.fitness.com/off-topic/12029-post-your-funnies-make-some1-laugh.html

Live the seal joke :cheers2:
 
Allright,

Q: What'd the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip


Did I ever tell you guys about the summer I spent working as an elephant circumciser? The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.
 
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"
 
Butt Measurement...

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
 
So this penguin is driving his car down the highway in alaska. The thing starts smoking, so he pulls into the closest gas station he can find, and gets a mechanic to take a peek. The mechanic, on seeing the car, tells the penguin that it'll be awhile, and that he should probably go take a rest in the nearby ice cream store.

Well, the penguin agrees, and goes and gets himself a vanilla cone. He sits down, but being a penguin, and lacking hands/fingers, he gets the vanilla ice cream all over his face and beak and all down his chest. He is about to clean it up when he sees the mechanic motioning him over.

The penguin waddles back to the mechanic. The mechanic says "Well, looks like you blew a seal"

"Naw, s'just a little ice cream"
 
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
the perfect day
The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
 
:rofl::rofl: lol that was you? So did ya keep the hairy chest
or shave it?To blahy to look for the thread to see?:cheers2:
 
My chest hair is like sampson's locks. They are the source of my strength. Without the chest hair, I am merely a man.
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 
FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES ~:smilielol5:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, " Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 
A woman is in the bathroom getting ready for bed when she hears her hubby calling out to her honey come and have a look at my CLOCK, so the woman go’s to have a look at what he’s talking about. She asked him what clock? He grabs his private and says this clock!!! that’s not a clock she’s said. The husband smiled and replied it will be when you put your hands and face on it.


A joke for Christmas

Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Because he only gets to come once a year….
 
the hillbilly version of nia page's joke

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, An old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not Ever
having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about
that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but On the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So He hung it in
the barn, and every morning before leaving for the Fields, he would go there
and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with."
 
Why did the chicken cross the road??

(Sorry if this is a double post, didnt go through whole thread)

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken..

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted..

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 
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