Jaymie's fitness journal :)

yah, I know I don't need this , but he is so infantile about it all...I just went to go cash my check and I bought a tall can of Bud Light and drank it on the way back to work....I smoked like 4 cigarettes...and I'm about to find my medication myself actually I already did and it will be available after I get back from lunch..so great...yeah.

This is the way the cookie crumbles......I am tired of picking up crumbs.....

its 12:40 now...I think I can make it to 1:00 just hope my dad doesn't start stuttering really bad because its going to try my already thin patience trying to listen to him trip over all of his words and reiterations....

I love my dad, but when he gets stressy, he stutters like a 4 year old......then he gets frustrated with himself and ME for not being able to understand him......

oh boy! what a ****ing day!!

This should be great! All I need now is to get pulled over for having no insurance or registration on my car and just go to jail! lol

Then they can ask me about all the self inflicted wounds I have...........
and call the state on my kids again...yay.....

I think I am gonna tell Mr. Frivolous to stay away from me for a while and let me sort out the mess he has made for all of us to live with...

That should be lots of fun.....

I sware if I hear any more consoling type words from people who aren't taking me seriously I am going to puke and die...

I got a 200 cal bar while at the gas station and ate that s oall in all I've had about 300 calories today...woohoo...

There will be no gym today....today is not a day to feel 'better' today is a day to make things better.

I can only do what I can do and that is what I have to do...because there is 2 kids counting on me to make it for them and its making them suffer for me to be doing this any F.U.C.K.I.N.G. more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hi Jaymie - sorry you're dealing with all of this crap today. Staying away from Mr. Frivolous is a great idea, BUT I'd suggest making him clean up his own messes - you're his fiancee, not his mother for crying out loud. He should at least show enough backbone to own up to his mistakes and try to fix them. Therefore it's not YOUR problem, it's his. Your concern is yourself and your two children, not the third that runs up huge cell bills.
 
couldnt have said it better myself, Stingo!
Jayme, PM me if you want to talk anytime. No one should have to go through all that alone...

Emily
 
I third that.
Jaymie if this guy really loves you and wants to marry you, then he most certainly has to own up to that responsibility. What if you guys were married right now? then what??? Marriage is a two way street. Its not love you for a season and then ditch you when you get to be old news or there's problems. Its not infatuation with the dancing girl on the bar. Its love for the girl for who she really is. Its real life when the "feely good" feelings fade. Its the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not just "When you feel like it" and thats the impression I get from your fiance. He seems to play on your emotions far too much. You deserve the best Jaymie, and as you said, your kids are depending on their mommy to make the wise decisions. I commend your desire to steer things forward and to rely on God for the answers. You say hope fades shortly after talking to Him? You gotta surrender it girl. You have to really truly come to a point of dependance on God and stop darting your eyes to other possible solutions scrambling to fix it. Because truth be told (and you know this, I know you do) YOU cannot do anything on your own. You will only find yourself running wildly and crazily in circles. Rely on him to provide and direct you. Easier said than done? Yep you bet. Cry, scream, cry some more...God can handle it....but when its all said and done he'll willingly pick up those pieces you feel are falling. (end of sermon :))
We are all here for you, and you know that too. I care a lot about you! Dont give up! Things seem hopeless in the dark sometimes but remember what you knew in the light, when you ARE in the dark.
love,
Katie
 
hmm sparrow your post picks out one thing I'd missed in mine but couldn't quite figure out what it was... "When he feels like it" seems to be when he needs something from his fiancee. That's not give and take, that's just take...and take....and take....
 
Sparrow says it all. I've been there and done that w/my daughter's dad. Her dad remindes me of your fiance. It's best to get away when you can before it gets any worse. Granted things between me and my daughter's dad wasn't as bad as it between you and your fiance, but if you don't get out for you, get out for your kids' sake. The least they know about this, the better. You might hate yourself now, but later you'll understand and be glad you left. It ain't worth it woman.

I love you and hope you the best.
 
hi all I am back.

I went to the doctor Friday morning after leaving work Thursday a few hours early, the pain was too much to handle...

I went and he said there is definately something wrong , definately something wrong with my hormones and the pain ? he had no idea but said I will have tests (a catscan and sonogram) Tuesday.

He said he thinks I have ulcers in my intestines or stomach ... and that he also recommended me get a hysterectomy....since my female organs are more or less...dying. (they are not working anymore :( )

So I tried to take it easy this weekend. Of course...nothing got done around the house...it was completely filthy, the floors are a mess and the dishes..omg...the laundry, well, my dad and fiance each tried doing a load and they both ended up ruining some of my more expensive clothing by drying it and then they put the entire box of dryer sheets in there AT ONE TIME .... lol...that was kinda funny....lol... :( but my shirt smells like it had a 'Snuggle' overdose.... lol....

Thats funny, but I'm not really laughing outloud...more like LOTI...(laughing on the inside)

So I was in the ER on Saturday....I had a whole bunch more blood drawn...and then they hooked me up to the IV again....and my whole right arm is all bruises....

I don't remember much, I was on alot of pain medicine...so then my fiance says to me last night when we got in bed.....'I have been a total bitch to him all weekend'........

I don't recall ? Was I ? I said sorry, but I don't remember....he says ' oh so that makes it okay then? b/c you don't REMEMBER? '

I told him to cut the highschool boy bull**** because I had a headache and I don't feel good. He said well ****, what am I supposed to do?

and I'm like...idk, what do you want me to do about it?

So we're having this kind of subject-less and pointless conversation that ends up with him trying to get all in my face and say baby this and baby that, and his entire self REAKED of cigarette butts... :(

I haven't smoked since this all began....its been 4 days now...I can't stand the smell it made me gag and he got offended by that I guess...so he started cussing about and all that crap...and I said omg, its dejavu....

then he got mad..

and started yelling at me...

I went in the bathroom and sat on the toilet and cried with the door locked..

My dad woke me up early this morning and started stuttering and jabbering about whether or not I was going to work....I tole him I need to get something in my stomach so I can take my medication because I can't think with all this pain..he MOCKED ME, he like...repeated what I said in this little obnoxious voice......

I said don't worry about it ....I got it under control Dad..and I said bye and hungup....he calls RIGHT back..of course...

we got into an argument because he's making my pain worse with all of his incessant stuttering on the phone...I told him I am taking the boys to daycare...don't worry about it....he goes on to tell me I'm gonna ' l--l-l-l-lose your, I mean you might , Jaymie you might lll-l-ose your damn job y-y-y-you need to get to work I mean you really need to , we can't afford to have you lose your job don't you think you can just go back to work today, I mean you know, 3we can't afford for you to lose your job.. '

I just was so irritated with his stuttering and reiterations ...I just screamed in the phone " I AM TAKING THE BOYS TO DAYCARE I AM TAKING THE BOYS TO DAYCARE I AM TAKING THE BOYS TO DAYCARE !!!!!!!!!!!! "

and hungup and turned the phone off....I made this slimfast shake and made myself drink it .... ugh it was so disgusting...I tooke my meds and locked all the doors...my youngest son had took a humungous crap in his diaper and when a laid him down to change it it went all over his back and the floor and his shirt and pants....so I had to clean all of that....then get them dressed and in the car and my pain medicine was kicking in..of course it doesn't take the pain comepletely away...just dulls it..enough to function....

so then I called my fiance to tell him I was going to go to work , and then he gets on my ass telling me NOT TO...

ITS LIKE WHAT THE **** DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?????!!!!???

I told him I hope I ****ing die today....

it may seem like I would be shortchanging my children, hell, we are handing them a ruined world to begin with....it should be a sin to put our children through this ...... I am sorry.... but I know I am not going to live much longer....I am trying to make the best of this....but I am so tired of men in my life...I am tired of living so close to my dad to where he thinks he has the right to put himself in my business 24/7 , he is skitzophrenic and won't go to the doctor about it and my fiance is just a skitzer, he has been on drugs his whole life he still acts like he is...he talks just like my dad and its like,,,,,everybody thinks they have problem that are supposed to be so much bigger and more horrible than anybody elses .... I guess everyone else can be a squeaky wheel and get oiled...me? whether I don't complain and get jumped on for not complaining about something oh it was my fault I didn't say something about it....or if I do complain...I am a bitch then....

I want to just give up.I begged the ER to keep me there..they couldn't ...b/c they didn't have a diagnosis that was substantial..they have to do more 'tests' first.....

I want to get away...but its clear.....that can't happen...
 
Jaymie honey..I wish I was there for you so you can cry on my shoulder instead over this forum.

I think it's best you leave your finace, if not for good, at least until you feel better. You know if you don't leave, you will die from all this and then where are the kids going to be? Your dad sounds like he can't handle them because of his own problems. Do you want your kids in the system? I know you don't. Is your finace the father of the kids? If not, where is he? Could he raise them?

You really need to get help before it's too late and I believe there isn't much time left.
 
hey sheri,

my son's dad is in the same city as me, but he is too violent to be around the kids. No my fiance is not the father of my kids...no one else can help raise my kids...my Nanny and Papa are always there to help, GOD BLESS THEM.....God bless them.....I am crying my face off right now... :(

I can't bring myself to ask them for help, why? because I know they will, and then my Dad will intervene....and put the guilt trip on me for asking them since they are 78 and 82 years old...

you wouldn't think they were that old either of them, they are such wonderful people....I have never known anyone so worthy of a blessing . I love them so much.... :*(

I miss my mom, she won't help, she's 'out there' she doesn't even know about all of this i dont' think, but my Nanny may have told her since t hey are next door neighbors....anyway, she wouldn't care, she doesn't take things to heart, in other words, its like words came from someone's mouth and went into her ears and brain , but from there it was transported to some blackhole and then ceased to exist from that moment on...

...in a way....today I feel like I deserve this......I feel like this is the way things will be forever.....whether God has bigger plans for me in Heaven or Earth....I guess all that I can do...is pray..and rely on God for guidance....

I feel that I am doing the best I can....although...I have thought about suicide the majority of these past few days, this is a truthful statement, from my soul, I do not want anyone's pity, I am suicidal...and at the moment, it seems like life has left more bitter taste to me than death could make me fear.....

I am too weak to do any physical activity....and I have lost 5 pounds. My pants and shirt and bra all are fitting incredibly loose. My skin is almost transparent or something..I'm covered in sores and bruises....my body won't heal.....maybe because my mind can't heal :(

Some prayers are best left unanswered and I guess.....mine are those prayers...idk...

I guess time will tell.....

As I sit here @ 1:07 pm on Monday at work...,.I feel detached and derailed from the life I once knew.....I feel disoriented , it was like yesterday that I was so absolutely happy without a doubt in my mind that thi8ngs were progressing to utmost happiness! ..... now, I've passed it and as I look back, it was only an illusion I guess....I look into the skies and pray to God Almighty help me Lord, for I have fallen from your grace.......I kneel on the dusty dry ground under the Heavens and cry out to Him, I cannot receive this pain any longer...I cannot dwell with all of this resentment, hate, fear, pain, sadness, and confusion ANY MORE...but sometimes I tell another human being and they can always offer the monotonous empty promise that things will be 'okay'...........

I wanted to run off the bridge this morning on the way to work......but I didn't....because I figured.....for one, the car wouldn't go completely over the edge unless I was going a little faster, and two, it would be a sin because it would be my fault, I think I will ask God if I can leave early. After my Nanny and Papa are gone, I don't think I want to live any more,,

The world has been transformed into something evil, it revolves around money now, nothing is simple, and the simple minded get run over in the race to get ahead .... there is no getting ahead,... and there are no rewards for me.

I have been told I am not able to have any more kids, my female organs have failed, the doctor says I have too much stress in my life....so now what?

He says I need to invest in a psychologist.....I cannot afford it...and its one more thing my Dad can throw in my face that I am wasting money on...oh he'll find out.....he has to know everyhting about my life.....if I don't anser the door, he knocks at the window,,,only to tell me if I don't keep this job that we are going to lose everything.

My Dad doesn't work, he rents rental trailers on our land, and he is always right....always....

I only wanted to rest and get better..I wasn't on drugs....I wasn't doing anything wrong...I'm sick....I was told to rest...and then.....I got resented .....

My Dad always said that if he got incapable of taking care of himself when he is old, that he wanted me to put him in a nursing home......so he wouldn't be a burden on anyone....I told him...I would do anything in my power to keep that from happening.....but .....it looks like he woudlnt' do the same for me......:( not even for a few days.....

I'm sorry everyone...

I remember what I ate for the past few days tho here it is:

Friday- 2 bites of plain shredded wheat cereal
1 slimfast bar
water

Saturday- slimfast shake
1 bite of hamburger helper
1 cup of cranberry juice and water

Sunday- Slimfast shake
can of soup with no MSG
1 small chicken breast
1 banana
3 grapes

Monday- 1 small bowl of shredded wheat w/ skim milk
1 slimfast bar
1 15 oz grape juice
water
1 banana
 
Jaymie, honnie, you gotta get it together. For yourself and your kids. Cut the negativity from your life wherever or whomever that may be.

We are responsible for our choices and sometimes it's hard to chose the right path for fear of disapproval. You don't owe a thing to anyone but your kids and yourself--not your dad or your fiance or your friends or people you work with. I agree with She, at least get rid of the fiance until you get yourself together.

About the psychologist, who has to know? You don't have to be so open to people who will use things against you in the future. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone if it will help your well being. It's not anyone's business and no one has to know. It doesn't have to be a pshychologist, maybe you can talk to your pries or a pastor.

Good luck :) ...and remember:

"Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power." -Shirley Mclane
 
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Jayms,

I know it is a hell of a lot easier to see things through a muddied glass and almost appreciate that place to where you just want to stay there. Its way easier to give up. Way easier. You can't do that and nobody here will let you. I will fly my butt to TX and do what it takes for you before you're allowed. I'm serious. I"m sure many others on this site have been in similar circumstance to one degree or another. Personally I have so been in the PIT. I have been suicidal, i have had the money issues, I've had the relationship stressors. I have had the nosey family. I feel like I know just a sliver of what you are going through. You have to pull hope from somewhere. Even if you are praying and put all your faith and trust in God at this moment and completely BELIEVE he is going to pull you through, do it. Believing means you have NO doubt. Believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that "all things will work together for good" and they will...they will because He said so. Believe with the faith of the mustard seed and you WILL move mountains. Right now your mountain is more like a mountain RANGE. You are up against many things right now. That doesn't mean you get to throw up your hands in dispair, say "poor me, I can't do it" and lay down and die. NO WAY. find a way Jaymie. Get out of TX if you have to. MOVE. Do something but don't just mark time.
I am not trying to be one of the ones thats causing difficulty. I too almost gave up in my circumstance and had it not been for a particular sermon at church at the perfect time, in conjunction with my mother's support I would have totally bit it. I now know where Satan can slash me and where I am vulnerable and I keep my hedges up. If not for SomeONE to slap me around a little I would have given up completely. So I hope that I, and others on this forum are that "someone" for you. Because you have us, though we've never actually "met" we are all here for each other and I have been so concerned for you, praying for you during my weekend. I won't give up on you...just don't give up on yourself, there is another way. You've gotta first break free from whats binding you. Make a list, then ditch those things.
 
Please Jaymie, I know it's hard, but believe it all will work out in the end. Just keep praying to GOD, and He'll answer the prayers.
 
Things won't be ok until you take action to make them so. As sparrow and moonbeam mentioned, cutting out the negative in your life is the first step in making things ok. If you're able to, think long and hard about the life you want - see yourself in it, wade into it in your mind. And then see how far it is from the life you have now. It will be a long and difficult road, but the results will be worth it. Working out will seem a piece of cake after this.

I think that we're given the abilities to handle what's thrown at us, just takes the bad times to force us to prove our mettle. It seems you have some choices to make as there's a crossroads in the distance with your name on it. There are also people in your life, including on this forum, that would be willing and able to support you through this too. You're not alone, and certainly not powerless - Rouse yourself to action: take the helm of your ship and find a star to steer her by.

And finally, a paraphrase (as I don't recall the original offhand) of a quote:

In the dead of winter, I found I had within me an invincible summer.
- Albert Camus
 
yes, bravo

I like all of the quotes :)

But at the moment I cannot see straight......I was falling asleep at the wheel during my lunch hour...I'm hoping this doesn't happen again while driving home......

The horrible fact is, I am not financially stable enough to live much less move, Anything that my fiance knows he tells my Dad now, my fiance is starting to sicken me.....really.....it literally makes me gag to look at him and smell him anymore.....he always smells of stale cigiarette butts, and is always dirty, and always has this wierd look on his face...idk, I guess maybe the root of all of my depression lately is that I feel that I don't like the change that has occured.....I think I am going to tell him that I need some time to regroup.

My house is a disaster area, somehow I'm doing all of his laundry and picking up after him...and all to get $70.00 out of his paycheck each week for the bank account....I don't think its fair...sure he works alot, but so do i . and I'm not even supposed to be here right now...:(

I'm depressed :(

I'm tired of being the only female EVER. I can't talk to my Mom or Nanny about anything really, and my Dad and fiance are always ALWAYS up my ASS.

I'm going to have aq nervous breakdown....

oh and just to let yall know how much pain I was in on Saturday. the medication they shot me up with was called Delaudid and its only prescribed to cancer patients....

No wonder it actually worked ;)

Yeah , so now they put me on vicodin AGAIN. Liek I didn't have a 10 year supply of it already...which is probably what caused the ulcers, but , hey, you can't be perfect.......

At least I'm not on speed again...
 
Ah honey..wish I could be there to give you a hug. Can I put you on a prayer list? Don't worry..won't give any details that doesn't need to be said. I'm here if you need me, anytime.
 
Jaymie - you can do this - don't give up. There are psychologists and counselors who CAN see you for next to nothing (just not in the private sector unless your insurance rocks - and I'm assuming it doesn't or you would already be doing it)...please call someone. Go to your local community mental health center first thing in the morning. You can also go to any ER and tell them you are suicidal and they CAN hospitalize you for that (24hours a day; worst case scenario, they transport you to another hospital that is equipped to help you)....depression IS a diagnosis and suicidal ideation IS a "medically necessary" reason for admission to a hospital ....you need help Jaymie - please seek it out...your children need you (whether you believe that or not!!!!) I know it's hard for you to reason through things right now, so try to trust the umpteen posts you have gotten up to this point...everyone is saying the same thing - we couldn't all be crazy or stupid- have some faith in your forum friends and do this to take care of yourself and your kids.
 
Again, I second that.
 
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