Floater's diary

[Floater]

I finally made it to the gym. The walk took me twice the usual time because my right leg decided to start spasming from toe to the buttock, and I had to limp even though I took a NSAID before leaving. I guess it's upper body day today...

 

[Floater]

Yay, I managed to get a decent workout in, despite the pain. Now that my muscles are warm, the pain has localized to my right foot - most likely tendons and fasciae are protesting the freezing weather. Little pumping stretches seem to help a bit, but I'm still limping.

I just had my lockerroom porridge and will now go grocery shopping.

 

[Floater]

Because I knew I'd walk slowly and it was freezing cold outside, I only bought stuff I knew would last the trip back home: a butternut squash, a box of cherry tomatoes, a pear, potatoes, and two 2dl cartons of oat cream. I also bought two wheat beers because I figured that if I ever have a reason to cheat a little, it's after I have finished a workout despite being in pain - and besides, it might legitimately help with the tightness and pain in my foot, especially as I just put the sauna on and will drink them during and after. Two wheat beers is 400 kcal. I'll do gentle stretching while in the sauna.

I cut the butternut squash into chunks, oiled them, seasoned them with white pepper, cinnamon, smoked paprika and nutmeg, and put them in the oven. They smell great. I'll have some with yesterday's sticky tofu and roasted beets for dinner. I won't have carbs like potatoes or noodles with dinner because the alcohol counts, but I'll probably make mashed potatoes and some plant based protein before going to bed.

EDIT: one of my friends has been doing a challenge where you count every workout during the year and the goal is to get to 160 or over. I like that idea. Please remind me to do that once the new year rolls in. I find the idea very motivating and fun, as it's often hard for me to see my own progress!

 

[Llama]

The image we have of what counts as "health" or being in "good condition" can get pretty twisted at times.

Quoted for truth.

When I think about what my goals are, ultimately, they are to enjoy my body and moving it,

Love that.

A return to a more child like self image, where the desire to climb a tree exists without the concept of measuring the speed I can manage it, or the height I end up daring to scale

And that!

one of my friends has been doing a challenge where you count every workout during the year and the goal is to get to 160 or over. I like that idea. Please remind me to do that once the new year rolls in. I find the idea very motivating and fun, as it's often hard for me to see m

Not sure I'll remember to remind you but it's an interesting idea. 3 workouts a week for a year is a lofty goal but doable.

 

[Floater]

I havent eaten after dinner (sticky tofu, butternut squash, and beets). Fell asleep already, but the pain in my foot woke me up. I'll try to fall asleep again but if I can't, I guess I'll have to eat something. I'm not making mashed potatoes at 2AM though...!

I'm glad that tomorrow is aquajogging day. That shouldn't hurt my foot, and the swimming hall is only 1,5km away whereas the gym is 3km away so the walk is less of a pain.

EDIT: the pain was driving me so nuts that I started googling fascia balls and being sour about the fact I can't afford one until 3.12. But then I remembered that I have a wooden rolling pin I never use for baking anyway, and used it to try and tease my foot into a better shape by standing on one leg and rolling the other back and forth on the pin (I did this for both feet for balancing things out). To my surprise, it worked quite well. The joints in my right foot and ankle started to crackle and pop like rice crispies, and now my right foot feels hot. Still sore, but something definitely opened up!

Still feeling imsomnic and Nera is farting, so I guess I'll take her out in case she needs to poop. If I still can't sleep after that, I'll have two quesadillas.

 

[Llama]

Glad you found a way to ease the pain in your foot. There is absolutely nothing special about fascia balls: I personally prefer balls that have a little bit of give and are more grippy. Tennis balls, golf balls, bouncing balls... I personally use the little rubber balls that supposed to reduce the amount of detergent my washing machine needs.

 

[Floater]

@LaMaria yeah the intersection of wellness and capitalism...

Just woke up. Still in pain. I wonder if I should take a day off, go aquajogging tomorrow... Pool is open until 4pm today so I still have time to decide...

Edit: I have exercised 5 times this week

 

[Cate]

I hope you decided to stay home & that pain disappears right back where it belongs.

 

[Floater]

I hope you decided to stay home & that pain disappears right back where it belongs.

I'm frankly not sure if I want to stay home... My weight hasn't gone down in a week at all. If I don't go working out today, it will mess my planned schedule next week. And the pain isn't as bad as yesterday.

I guess I'll have breakfast first and decide after that. I'm making mashed potatoes and Mexican-inspired black bean and corn stew with onions, tomatoes, and plenty of spices.

 

[Floater]

The mashed taters and bean stew was delicious!! I'm having cherry tomatoes for dessert and will go aqua jogging for 2 hrs after that. Can't let the fat win.

 

[Llama]

I hope the aquajogging won´t aggravate your foot. Injuries are so annoying! Do you do any exercises for your foot muscles? If your connective tissue is generally lax more active foot muscles might help a little.

 

[Floater]

Do you do any exercises for your foot muscles? If your connective tissue is generally lax more active foot muscles might help a little.

Yeah I walk quite a lot on the balls of my feet at home and do calf raises at the gym... Pick up the laundry and little objects with my toes and wear flip flops whenever the weather allows for it. And I use barefoot shoes at the gym. Other than that I don't know what would target the foot muscles specifically. I think I'm just reacting to the weather, I'm used to weird pains coming and going... Maybe too used to, IDK.

I ended up aqua jogging for three hours. I didn't intend to, but once my two hours was in, I was anxious about tomorrow being rest day and I wanted to see if I could keep going for yet another hour. I had a lot of thinking to do. I'm starting to develop a crush on someone I have absolutely no business ever dating, and I think it's mostly just my stupid brain testing out scenarios about how my life could be once I have transitioned. Lately I have gone through a lot of anger and sadness about the relationships I have had in my life, as I see now that I was pretty much just trying to LARP as a perfectly normal girl and lost myself in the process and ended up really hurt. And imagining what kind of a partner I would want to be to someone when I'll finally get to live and be perceived as a man is, I guess, part of the process...?

The aqua jogging helped with the foot. It's still sore, but I can walk almost normally. In the pool it didn't hurt at all so that was one of the reasons I just couldn't bring myself to stop after two hours.

Lunch was locker room porridge and I'm now having dinner: two boiled eggs, 200g of peas, butternut squash, and mashed potatoes. I'm marinating three eggs for later.

 

[Floater]

I had a lovely long walk with Nera, she doesn't mind the cold at all, which makes me happy: it tells me that despite her age, she has enough muscle mass to keep her warm. She had an egg for a snack before we headed out, and gobbled down her evening kibbles enthusiastically after we got back home.

Foot is still sore especially when I step on it in a certain angle, but I don't think anyone could spot it by the way I walk. I have probably just not been paying enough attention to the position of my ankles and feet during stretching, and in addition to the cold weather, it has made my muscles tense up trying to protect the joints. The fact that more movement seems to lessen the pain would make sense if that's the case: it warms up the muscles and improves circulation, and muscle tone helps support the joints, or something along those lines.

I need to stay awake for a couple more hours... Hnghh... I feel almost too tired to even think. Or eat. But I'll make myself two quesadillas and have a pear and a banana, and if I'm still hungry after that, I'll have something else too. Tomorrow I'll probably have bean stew and tuna for breakfast, yum!

 

[Llama]

Other than that I don't know what would target the foot muscles specifically.

The three I like best are
- Spreading your toes apart
- Raising your arches ("shortening" your foot) without raising your toes or the ball of your foot
- Raising your forefoot with bent toes, then extending your toes (pull them upward) and keeping them up while lowering your forefoot

But of course not everything is muscle-related, no matter how much I want it to be You know your own body best!

I ended up aqua jogging for three hours. I didn't intend to, but once my two hours was in, I was anxious about tomorrow being rest day and I wanted to see if I could keep going for yet another hour.

If you keep the intensity low that's perfectly fine. I understand the urge to keep going, especially if it soothes your brain, but be careful not to overdo it, ok?

And imagining what kind of a partner I would want to be to someone when I'll finally get to live and be perceived as a man is, I guess, part of the process...?

I can't know if it's typical but as long as you keep solid sight of reality there's nothing wrong with a little daydreaming

I had a lovely long walk with Nera, she doesn't mind the cold at all, which makes me happy: it tells me that despite her age, she has enough muscle mass to keep her warm.

I wouldn't have thought of that connection but it makes perfect sense. Yay Nera!

 

[Floater]

@LaMaria thanks, I will try those foot exercises as soon as the pain has settled! My left foot liked them already It shouldn't be too hard to incorporate them in my daily routine, as I have a habit of wiggling my feet and toes to calm myself down anyway (Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD teaches you to hide stimulatory movements sneakily...)

When it comes to the intensity of my aqua jogging, it's hard to gauge really? My heart rate doesn't feel like it goes up that much, but I do keep a quick pace... Which often annoys those aqua joggers who mainly come to the pool to socialize and spread themselves across the lane in a human armada. I'll keep my wits about the workouts, I promise. After all, if I get injured, I'll be forced to rest, and that will be lost time!

And yeah no worries, I think that these romantic thoughts are just an equivalent to teenage crushes. The training wheels of romantic and sexual identity, if you will, like a teenage girl kissing a K-pop poster on her wall before bedtime. I am acutely aware that whenever I get greenlit for starting testosterone, it's going to rattle up not just my body but also my psyche, which is why I feel like it's a good thing that I explore who I want to be and what I really want to do with my life version 2.0. (The most vivid fantasy right now is to make my imaginary partner pancakes with blueberries, bananas, and maple syrup before they go to work. Not because it's a special day, just because I can and want to. Maybe I have had a sleepless night and chose to spend it tiptoeing in the kitchen all hush hush to not disturb my partner but also to make something positive of my insomnia. I'm such a tame dude lol )

 

[Floater]

Hmm, I need to eat. I'm also feeling pretty anxious... One of my trans FB groups had a discussion about informed consent when it comes to HRT. I know fully well that testosterone has side effects. In cis men, these increase the risk of cardiovascular issues and statistically overall shorter lifespan. In AFAB trans folks, we trade the better overall health and lifespan of women to that of men, but also hormone treatment increases the risk of liver issues, thickening of the blood, and harmless but aesthetically unpleasant male pattern baldness, among othr stuff. I know all this. But sometimes I feel sad that I am forced to choose, you know? If I had been born a guy physically, I would be accustomed to the idea of losing my hair and dying in my early eighties and aging like milk. Now I have to choose between known suffering and unknown risks.

Sigh. Better just make myself some tuna and beans and try to not worry. It will be quite a while before even getting to start T. I will have time to mull things over.

 

[Cate]

I think daydreaming & imagining possible relationships is a healthy thing. I think you will be a very thoughtful partner. Love is a wonderful thing & the right person will love you & you will love them. Who knows what shape that may take, but trying to picture that can't hurt.
I know that your budget is very tight but if you could try some magnesium oil massaged into your feet in the evening you may sleep a little better & it might help with your feet. I know it does me. I must do it this evening. My feet feel tired.

 

[Floater]

I think daydreaming & imagining possible relationships is a healthy thing. I think you will be a very thoughtful partner. Love is a wonderful thing & the right person will love you & you will love them. Who knows what shape that may take, but trying to picture that can't hurt.
I know that your budget is very tight but if you could try some magnesium oil massaged into your feet in the evening you may sleep a little better & it might help with your feet. I know it does me. I must do it this evening. My feet feel tired.

Thanks for the tip! I have taken magnesium supplements but never knew it can be applied topically! Just a week until my next benefits payment, I'll keep this in mind.

Also, thank you for being supportive and understanding about my silly day dreams

 

[Llama]

Now I have to choose between known suffering and unknown risks.

Pretty sure depression and stress also shorten our life spans. So while I understand the anxiety there's always more to the story.

 

[Floater]

Pretty sure depression and stress also shorten our life spans. So while I understand the anxiety there's always more to the story.

Very true.

Didn't enjoy my tuna and beans too much, but at least I finally feel full and tired!