Floater's diary

[Floater]

FUCK YEAHHHH I finished cleaning up! Well the kitchen still needs clearing up but that's going to take me 5 mins max. The amount of sand and fur on the floors was gnarly despite the fact that I've maintained a good cleanup routine; Nera is shedding like there's no tomorrow. I really need to bathe her, that makes the old fur come off easily. It's just that she's not a big fan of baths...

 

[Floater]

Sorry, this is one of the days when I seem to be posting constantly But I have often shared here how insecure I feel about my skin due to it being prone to scarring. Well guess what? The striae I got in my armpits last summer when I started lifting seriously and built muscle quickly are starting to fade! So maybe my stomach striae will also start fading as I'll lose the extra padding! I have already noticed that they appear redder/darker when my stomach is swollen from constipation or gas, and lighter when my gut is calm.

Kitchen is cleaned up, dishwasher has almost ran it's course. I'm soaking green lentils that I plan to boil and marinate in lemon juice and soy sauce; I'll have some before bedtime with mashed potatoes, and save the rest for tomorrow. I already packed my swimming gear and hand washed my workout thermos, can't wait to get to the pool. My fridge is almost empty, so I'll need to go grocery shopping soon, but I still have root vegetables and tofu left so maybe I should use those up before that...?

If I can keep up with the way I have eaten and exercised this week for 80% of the time, I'm going to look really different in the springtime. I can already feel the difference (of course the progress kicked in maybe three weeks ago already, but this week has been exceptionally good both mood-wise and food-wise)!

 

[Llama]

Post as much as you want: it's your diary! Awesome job on the cleaning and those lentils sound like someyhing I need to try some time. I have a lime left that needs eating anyway.

 

[Cate]

You folks might remember that I used to have a huge issue with portion sizes and would feel filled up on portions that were way too small, and then substitute my baseline needs with liquid calories or calorie dense foods. I can happily report that this is currently not an issue. I eat what feels like mountains of food but most of it is veg so I probably get somewhat less kcals than in my most disordered eating habit times.

Sure do & I think you have really switched things around & have focussed on your long-term health. Kudos to you!

If I can keep up with the way I have eaten and exercised this week for 80% of the time, I'm going to look really different in the springtime. I can already feel the difference (of course the progress kicked in maybe three weeks ago already, but this week has been exceptionally good both mood-wise and food-wise)!

How we eat & move makes much more difference than we realise until we get back into a healthy routine. Already I am starting to feel heaps better & good about myself. "We are what we eat"
Well done on the apartment cleaning. Can you drop by my place, please?

 

[Floater]

Can you drop by my place, please?

Sure, teleporting to Taz in 3, 2, 1,

Post as much as you want: it's your diary! Awesome job on the cleaning and those lentils sound like someyhing I need to try some time. I have a lime left that needs eating anyway.

I just finished the lentils, cubed an avocado in the same bowl for good measure, and am just about to start mashing the potatoes! I'll use oat cream for extra fluffiness. I took a sleeping pill because after such a busy day I know I might get insomnia and right now that just won't sit with my exercise plans! Speaking of which, I haven't done the stretches you tipped me about today. But they have felt really nice.

 

[Cate]

Sure, teleporting to Taz in 3, 2, 1,

I wish!

 

[Llama]

Wouldn't it be great if we could just teleport all over the world to come over for tea?

 

[Floater]

I slept badly despite the sleeping pill; as I had feared, I was too wound up to fall asleep so I only got 4 hours of sleep in. But it's a beautiful day, I have a clean home, and food in the fridge. I will go aquajogging in the afternoon today, and before that I'll do some stretching.

 

[Llama]

Bad days happen. You prepared as well as you could and that's all you can do.

 

[Floater]

I spent my morning meal prepping even before I took my meds or had breakfast. I am REALLY strapped for cash so I wanted to see if I still have enough ingredients to go one more day without grocery shopping. I made oven-baked, sweet and sour "sticky tofu" with ginger (ginger seems to keep better in the general area of the fridge without a plastic bag, this ginger root is a month old and hasn't gotten moldy at all), two portions worth of polenta, and am now roasting beetroots. I simply cut the stems and the nubby bits off, halved them, and put them in a deep dish with some sesame oil and soy sauce, skin-side up. (They have been factory-washed so they can be eaten with skin.) I'll flip them around halfway through and bake them for 45 mins or so. Should make a nice side dish to nibble on.

Breakfast: polenta, sticky tofu, and cubed avocado. The tofu should ideally have been marinated beforehand but I'm pretty sure that the flavors will intensify in the fridge (as the tofu cubes were coated with lemon juice, soy sauce, ginger, maple syrup, mirin, garlic, and corn starch as a binding agent before baking). After cooling, I'll serve them pan-fried to make them crispy again.

I think I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow after the gym. Spring onions and lemons are an absolute must. I also need potatoes and veggies. Protein-wise, I have a shit ton of different beans at home, and some eggs, and frozen edamame. Some fruit would be nice. I try to not stress out about it, I'll try what they have for cheap.

 

[Floater]

Lunch: a big portion of mashed potatoes and green lentils with a side of roasted beetroots. I heated the mash and lentils on my cast iron pan and added a dollop of extra marg on top, it was perfect comfort food for a cold day... <3

 

[Llama]

Roasted beetroot is delicious, especially with a slightly acidic, high-protein dip. I use Greek yogurt or quark with chives or the like but I´m sure silken tofu with a bit of lemon juice and spring onions would work as well. Fingers crossed the grocery store will have some excellent special offers tomorrow.

 

[Floater]

I aquajogged for 120 mins once again. It's starting to feel too easy, so I did part of it without following the running motion with my hands. I felt pretty neutral about it, I wasn't in a super good mood but not in a bad one either, it felt like a thing I know I have and want to do and that's it. Maybe it's good to have something in my workout regime that doesn't feel taxing though. I know that when I'm at the gym, I go at it like an ape. Floater, in perpetual search for balance

I had a quesadilla and a soy protein isolate shake before going to the pool, and my usual porridge in the locker room. During the exercise I kept dreaming about food and decided I'd buy a banana and a pear on my way back home. The store had cherry tomatoes on sale and cheap broccoli, so I bought two 250g boxes of tomatoes, one head of broccoli, and a lime in addition to the banana and the pear.

Dinner was pan-fried polenta and cherry tomatoes with a three-egg omelette and cheese. I was too tired to try anything fancy so I just fried everything on the same pan and it ended up looking "once eaten", but luckily I was so hungry I could have eaten small rocks, and at least it tasted great. (I'm going to bitterly miss cheese... The golden treasure in my fridge is getting worrysomely small... But I don't need to quit cheese for life, just find a new balance and shake up my habits a bit!) I was still hungry after eating dinner, so I had a big glass of water, made myself a lovely cup of herbal tea, and chopped up the banana and the pear in a cute bowl for dessert. The pear tastes great, it's the perfect texture (I don't like pears that are too soft of "grainy"), and super sweet.

My body feels like a happy little engine, purring away contently. The temperature has dropped to -5 again, and I have to say that one of the best things about eating proper food at proper intervals it that I can feel the energy in the food being converted to heat by my metabolism. I feel safe in my body, and I feel like me and it are working together towards the goal of transitioning, and beyond that too. After all, once the treatments start, I'll be on my way to become a living example of scientific progress and human willpower. I know it sounds super cheesy, and it is, but I'm riding a high from the workout and my meal so please let me have this one

PS: my skin seems to have accustomed to the pool water somewhat; I moisturize my face regularly and my body when I have the energy to, but the worst itching seems to have passed!

 

[Llama]

The temperature has dropped to -5 again, and I have to say that one of the best things about eating proper food at proper intervals it that I can feel the energy in the food being converted to heat by my metabolism. I feel safe in my body, and I feel like me and it are working together towards the goal of transitioning, and beyond that too.

That's beautiful.

 

[Cate]

ginger (ginger seems to keep better in the general area of the fridge without a plastic bag, this ginger root is a month old and hasn't gotten moldy at all),

A tip- buy a cheap bottle of cooking sherry when you can afford it. It will last you a couple of years. We peel & cut the ginger into knobs & put it in a jar, top with sherry & store it in the fridge. It will last a long, long time & when you do a stir-fry you can add a little of the sherry, which absorbs some of the flavours of the ginger. We have never thrown away bad ginger since learning that trick. We always start afresh with the next lot but use the flavoured sherry in our cooking. We do the same with fresh turmeric.

During the exercise I kept dreaming about food and decided I'd buy a banana and a pear on my way back home.

I love that you were dreaming of eating fresh fruit & that you were then able to buy some, along with healthy veggies. I love that you are looking after yourself & I especially love this-

My body feels like a happy little engine, purring away contently. The temperature has dropped to -5 again, and I have to say that one of the best things about eating proper food at proper intervals it that I can feel the energy in the food being converted to heat by my metabolism. I feel safe in my body, and I feel like me and it are working together towards the goal of transitioning, and beyond that too. After all, once the treatments start, I'll be on my way to become a living example of scientific progress and human willpower. I know it sounds super cheesy, and it is, but I'm riding a high from the workout and my meal so please let me have this one

 

[Floater]

@Cate the ginger-infused cooking sherry sounds divine! Thanks for the tip - I'll keep my eyes open the next time I go to a liquor store! (In Finland, alcohol stronger than 5,5% can only be sold at a state-owned store chain, it's a pretty bizarre system and as a result alcohol is not often used in cooking.)

I think I'll make myself some soba noodles with cashew nuts and my last avocado, can't sleep, I probably need some food to wind down.

 

[Floater]

Nera woke me up at 8 to take her out to pee, I fed and medicated her and went back to sleep - slept until noon and felt very refreshed! We had a lovely walk! And afterwards I managed to take a fun pic of Nera after she jumped down from the bed and left her tail behind Imposing or dorky? She can do both!

I'm having breakfast: couscous and marinated lentils with fried cherry tomatoes, topped with pumpkin seeds. I used half of a 250g box for the warm dish and ate half fresh while waiting for the food to cook. Once again, the food looks like something out of a culty hippie compound kitchen, but tastes pretty great.

I have an online meeting with my priest in an hour, and after that I'll have lunch, take Nera out, and go to the gym! I have done so much cardio lately that I think I want to do shorter reps and bigger weights this time, but I try to keep things casual and listen to my body instead of following a strict program; the results have been great anyway and I have much more fun this way. After the gym I'll go grocery shopping. I'm really, really craving mashed potatoes! Mashed Lapland/almond potatoes made with oat cream also goes on my list of "what to cook for someone you want to impress"

 

[Floater]

Lunch: lemon-cashew rice and three-egg-tamagoyaki with a side of cold, roasted beets, and a soy protein shake. I think I'll max out on my short effect ADHD meds today and take a second one after lunch, the darkness is really making a dent in my energy levels, and I NEED to make it to the gym!

 

[Llama]

the results have been great anyway and I have much more fun this way.

At first showing up consistently and doing something is way more important than being perfectly methodical. And having fun is a good way to keep showing up.

the darkness is really making a dent in my energy levels, and I NEED to make it to the gym!

I really don´t envy you those short days. It´s hard enough here! And of course if you didn´t make it to the gym your energy would be even lower tomorrow.

 

[Floater]

At first showing up consistently and doing something is way more important than being perfectly methodical. And having fun is a good way to keep showing up.

Definitely.

I also try to avoid the mindset of "getting with the program" when it comes to my body. I think it's more important for me to do things with it that make me feel happy, because what is a "perfect" body for someone like me anyway? I have seen body results that trans man bodybuilders have gotten and they are very impressive, but I don't think it's the look I would want to go for personally. I'm exercising and eating to make a life long change and to commit to a huge medical transformation, and that includes the space between my ears. I don't think it would be smart to start going for aesthetic goals at this point in my journey, because while body builders and bikini fitness folks _can_ have a stable mental health, it's also no secret that aesthetic sports overlap with EDs and mental health issues.

In a way, while nowadays we know a lot about the science of sports and nutrition, I think it can in some cases become almost a hindrance to general well-being. I have seen plenty of documentaries about indigenous peoples, and yet these folks who only eat what we Westerners would call "whole foods" and spend their days outside, farming, hunting, doing chores, and making household items by hand, generally do not have washboard abs. The image we have of what counts as "health" or being in "good condition" can get pretty twisted at times.

When I think about what my goals are, ultimately, they are to enjoy my body and moving it, and making foods that I know are good for me and enjoying them too. A return to a more child like self image, where the desire to climb a tree exists without the concept of measuring the speed I can manage it, or the height I end up daring to scale before sitting down on a branch and watching people pass by, never noticing I'm up there. (I actually did this a lot as a kid!)

The temp has dropped to -7! I'm having a cup of coffee now, after that I'll take Nera out and head to the gym. Feeling excited. The tamagoyaki was superb, I used maple syrup instead of sugar and I think maple syrup compliments the mirin very well, and also used a sprinkle of white pepper. The sweetness of beets was a good match for the sweet-and-savoury tamagoyaki and salty-sour lemon-cashew rice.