Floater's diary

[Floater]

Sure, people are people but I generally prefer non-murderers. I hope they were just messing with you.

I don't think they directed it at me in any way- The waiting room was full of people, none of us reacted to them, and they were pretty focused on each other. Us normies just stared at our phones and weathered the discussion. I think that the duo was just too far gone to give a shit.

I'm annoyed with myself: Nera peed on the floor a bit while she was asleep. I know rationally that it's not my fault and she hasn't had to wait for her walk unusually long. She's just old, and maybe reacting to the cold, too. She seemed fine when I took her out and cleaned up without making a fuss about it. But I can definitely notice that not getting a warm meal within my usual window after working out has made me feel grumpy and a bit sad and prone to catastrophizing. But I only need to make it until tomorrow, and then I'll get to go aqua jogging again and I'll be too tired to be sad after that.

I tried on the outdoor pants I ordered but one pair was too small and the other was made of such an unpleasant material that I didn't even try them on. I will keep the 2-pack of leg warmers that were in the same package though. I will need to wash them first, they smell strongly of some sort of a chemical.

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear you weren't in the waiting room alone. Internet ordering is such a hit and miss thing! I tried a couple of times years ago but almost always ended up sending everything back. I'm just too picky where fabrics are concerned.

 

[Floater]

Internet ordering is such a hit and miss thing!

It is - but I much prefer it to in-person shopping. I can take my time to try on stuff and there's no pressure to buy, I can just send bad items back. My autism-related sensory issues make stores a nightmare to me, especially clothing stores and fitting rooms! That's why when I find a good, fitting item of clothing, I usually order two or three of the same thing. This way my brain doesn't need to readjust to new sensory input each day. This is also why I only own black clothes and black/gray accessories: spending time and energy to figure out what goes with what, or looking at clashing colors, legitimately wears me down. I know it must sound stupid but that's just a fact of my existence...

Yeah I'm glad I wasn't alone in the waiting room, too. I wasn't scared of the alcs because, in my experience, people like that rarely hassle "normies", they live in their own bubble and besides, they are generally in a terrible condition and not very quick or stable on their feet, so they aren't much of a physical threat. But just overhearing their discussion definitely put me on alert. My brain easily goes to places where it starts to plan for fight or flight, and it's very draining.

I just put rice to soak. I don't have much of an appetite, but I think it's a combo of bigger dosage of ADHD meds + being stressed out from the lab stuff + routine/schedule anomaly. I'm also stressing out about waiting for Friday to pay my bills and rent. I'll probably stay up past midnight between Thu and Fri and pay everything as soon as the money shows up on my account in the early morning hours. What matters now is that I'll choke down the rest of my butternut squash and bean stew so that my body has enough stuff to rebuild the muscles I was annihilating at the gym today.

On a lighter (kind of) note: let's talk about long-time nuclear waste warning messages. Because nuclear waste stays dangerous for such a long time, the places it's kept are meant to be designed in such a way that even if humanity collapses and language is lost, future humans will still know to avoid the sites and especially not dig around there. Some of the ideas about this are cool in a somber, grim way. Some are absolutely cuckoo, like the idea that we should genetically engineer housecats that start to glow when being exposed to radiation, and then culturally condition people to GTFO of places where cats glow via fairytales, folklore, and such. This insane idea has bred this "lovely" song, "Don't Change Color, Kitty" that now lives in my head rent-free.

For those interested, here's the Wikipedia article about the general gist of long-term nuclear waste warning messages: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-time_nuclear_waste_warning_messages?fbclid=IwAR2GeLMruZGLeJMWB8_McmO0cz7uV3LtZ3txlKLSe-MKhMfkgqeELuxZ-Xs

 

[Floater]

Dinner: roasted turnips, rice, and black bean stew. I don't enjoy the food too much but I found a fun YT vid about fake martial arts and con martial artists. Just got to eat the thing one forkful at a time.

I forgot to eat the butternut squash... But I'll probably need to eat before going to bed anyway. I think that cold, roasted squash and a 2-egg tamagoyaki would compliment each other well with their savoury sweetness. A couple of brussel sprouts on the side, and the bitterness would balance out the meal. I have eaten carbs aplenty today so I'm feeling like protein and veg before bed. EDIT: no, arugula! Not brussel sprouts. The arugula is starting to wilt anyway so needs to be used

 

[Llama]

I know it must sound stupid but that's just a fact of my existence...

Nope, sounds like you've figured out what works for you.

I'm also stressing out about waiting for Friday to pay my bills and rent. I'll probably stay up past midnight between Thu and Fri and pay everything as soon as the money shows up on my account in the early morning hours.

I'm sure you know and anxiety is just being a nuisance but it really doesn't matter whether you pay them at 3 am or at 11.

Some are absolutely cuckoo, like the idea that we should genetically engineer housecats that start to glow when being exposed to radiation, and then culturally condition people to GTFO of places where cats glow via fairytales, folklore, and such.

I had not heard that one before!

 

[Floater]

I'm sure you know and anxiety is just being a nuisance but it really doesn't matter whether you pay them at 3 am or at 11.

Sure, but as I won't be able to settle down for sleep stressing out about it anyway (and have stuff to do on Friday), I'll rather stay up and pay right away

The glowing cat thing was kind of hilarious. Made me think about writing again; the whole idea belongs in a wacky scifi book. I was supposed to work on my manuscript but somehow it slipped out of my mind once again. Oh well, I guess I can't fix everything at once; eating well and exercising regularly is important, arguably even necessary for any "higher" pursuits.

 

[Cate]

You seem to have such good self-knowledge & know the strategies you need to follow to keep that equilibrium. I would set an alarm on my phone on Friday to pay those bills. We all have different strategies. I'm also a list person. I have a small white board on my fridge on which I would write "Friday- pay bills" just to be sure.

 

[Floater]

I'm a list/post-it person too! I love to tick off completed tasks and to rip and throw out lists/post-its once everything has been completed

 

[Floater]

I was starting to feel restless so I realized it's time to eat. 2-egg tamagoyaki with butternut squash and arugula, as planned; and a handful of pumpkin seeds after. (I already brushed my teeth earlier and will probably fall asleep soon, so the pumpkin seeds are supposed to help my teeth enamel by neutralizing the acids. Finnish dentists recommend nuts, seeds or cheese after meals for this reason.) The meal was surprisingly nice-looking and the tastes complemented each other well. I will make this one again sometime!

 

[Llama]

I couldn't sleep without brushing my teeth after so.ething as sweet as baked butternut but then I'm no dentist either. It does sound delicious.

 

[Floater]

This morning did not start well. I woke up by rolling onto a wet spot: Nera had peed the bed. Thankfully, the pee had no weird odors (so no UTI). I'll have to take her out even more frequently than usual today. She seems fine otherwise.

I have WICKED DOMS in my lower back from doing deadlifts yesterday. I didn't even use that much weight, 60kg plus the 10-kg bar in my last series of reps, but it's been a while so I can definitely feel it. Drinking coffee now, and put rice to soak. I only need to make it to the pool today and everything will be fine. I'll have to wait for the laundry to get finished though. I think I'll take a NSAID for the DOMS with breakfast

 

[Cate]

Has Nera been peeing during the night often, Floater? Is she aware that she does do you think? Is it far to take her out?
Hope the pool eases your DOMS.

Spoiler: Whinge alert

I daydream about floating in a pool & not hurting. I also wish I wasn't allergic to anything in the NSAID family.

That was a practice run

 

[Floater]

Has Nera been peeing during the night often, Floater? Is she aware that she does do you think? Is it far to take her out?

No, hard to say, and no. The last time this happened was maybe two months ago. I've consulted the vet and they said that as she's an elderly big dog who's been spayed, sometimes the pelvic muscles just weaken with age and some pee can escape when the dog relaxes. I walk her properly 3x a day, and also take her outside the apartment building for a quick pee before going to bed and right after waking up. The first couple of times this has happened, she was very anxious and ashamed, but I made sure not to fuss about to not aggravate her anxiety, and this morning she just woke me up normally. It could be that I was just too tired to wake up the first time she asked me to take her out, from having such a stressful day yesterday. There's never a lot of pee, maybe a couple of spoonfuls max.

Very understandable dreams! Glad you got the spoiler thing working!

Breakfast: rice, edamame, two fried eggs, chopped cashews, lime juice and soy sauce. NSAID and ADHD meds.

EDIT: Floater vanityposting

So it's been, what, a month of increased volume of exercise? I can definitely see changes in my body. The underside of my upper arms is starting to show definition, and the roll above my tight exercise pants has gotten smaller. The biggest changes are in my neck and face: my bone structure and face and neck muscles have gotten more visible, and this gives me a LOT of gender euphoria (the opposite of gender dysphoria, which means feeling anxious and repulsed by the sex characteristics of one's body in trans people; euphoria means happiness about traits that confirm one's gender identity). There's still work to do of course, but I'm really happy about where I'm at now both mentally and physically. And I'm extremely proud about being able to be consistent in my workouts despite still suffering from anxiety and occasional pain.

When I was at the gym yesterday and did lat pulldowns, I checked myself in the mirror to make sure my form was correct, and my heart skipped a beat out of happiness. There was a stack of free weights placed so that it covered the front of my body in the mirror, so I could only see my back, butt, shoulders and arms. And just for a second, I saw in the mirror what I feel like inside. I have talked about this before, but I think that despite identifying as a trans guy, I do think it's important that I learn to accept things that won't change, like me having a big butt, being short, and having small hands and feet. These might hinder my "passing" in the future, but when I saw myself in the mirror, I didn't feel bad about these things at all. I'm working towards becoming myself, not some abstract ideal of a man. And if I have this nice of a muscle definition while hormonally a woman and chubby, I can only imagine how I'll look once I go on T!

Of course, I want to lose as much of the extra fat as possible, because once the HRT starts, any fat I have will travel right to my gut. That's definitely one of the benefits that women have - being a bit chubby isn't as deadly or ugly for them as it is for cis men or trans/nb guys on HRT. Oh well, I'm rambling again when I should focus on eating my breakfast I'm just happy. And the best thing is that I don't even feel like I have had to give up anything by eating well and working out. I feel like I'm giving myself something each day! And I'm really proud that when I made the decision to cut off meat, dairy, and alcohol for a while, those two beers on the day I hurt my foot and that one pack of ham I bought two days ago didn't make me spiral, binge or feel like I hate myself. Even when I sidestepped the original plan a bit, I was able to get back on course, and THAT tells me more than anything that I'm in a good place!

 

[Floater]

OK, so after breakfast I took Nera out again, hung the laundry to dry, and went aqua jogging. Did that for 120 mins again.

My mind went to some pretty dark places at times. I can see I'm still recovering from my previous relationship and the break up. I feel mad at myself for not leaving sooner, and I had this really unpleasant thought about how I want to fucking beat it into my ex that there are certain things you just don't do to another person's body without asking, or ever. Of course I would not really assault anyone in real life, and revenge/retaliation is just about the dumbest bullshit humanity has come up with. But as long as these thoughts only remain thoughts, I think it's important for me to explore my anger and the feeling of having been betrayed by someone I was supposed to trust... Especially as we were together for so long. Six years.

I was so tired after the exercise that I had to lie down in the sauna for a bit. But having my usual locker room porridge helped. And I didn't only think about grim stuff during the exercise. Two hours is a long time so the mind has time to mull over all sorts of stuff, like what to have for dinner! I was craving salmon; sadly, the small grocery store on my way back home was out of fresh salmon so I had to buy smoked salmon which is way more expensive, but on the other hand I didn't need to stink up my apartment by cooking fish. I also got a lime and two 250g boxes of cherry tomatoes.

I made a big batch of pasta and chickpeas with lime juice, garlic and soy sauce and had some of it warm with 125g (half of the 250g pack) of salmon and 250g of cherry tomatoes for dinner. Absolutely divine.

Because it's almost 8pm here and I have only had two meals and post workout porridge today, I'll start cooking soy mince tomato sauce with caramelized onions right away as it takes a while to make it. I'll have it with a side of mashed potatoes and broccoli!

 

[Floater]

I had mashed potatoes, broccoli, and soy mince sauce as intended. Two portions of the sauce are cooling on the countertop. I feel happy that I have so much prepped food in the fridge... It's going to make tomorrow morning so much easier that I can just heat leftovers and head to the gym first thing. I want to get it done as early as possible.

I'm DOG TIRED. Nera will have to suffice on shorter evening walk tonight, but it's -11 degrees out anyway so she's not likely to even want to stay outside for too long. I have noticed that -9 is still fine for her, but anything below -10 and she starts pulling towards home as soon as she has pooped. Last winter we had a spell of -21 weather and it wasn't fun for any dog owner...

 

[Llama]

Oof, that's proper cold! I was back in my light jacket today and didn't even need a scarf: 4-8°C.

Sounds like the aquajogging is bordering on therapy, dude. As long as you still feel safe that seems like a good thing.

 

[Floater]

Sounds like the aquajogging is bordering on therapy, dude. As long as you still feel safe that seems like a good thing.

It most definitely is therapeutic. I seem to leave a lot of anxiety in the pool. Even though my mind wanders, the water always brings me back to the present eventually.

I'm kind of dreading the holiday season - lots of days ahead when the pool will be closed... Well, I'll just have a gym-heavy December; I'm glad my gym chain is open 24/7. Maybe I can explore cardio options at the gym over the holidays. I already did a rudimentary plan in my calendar... Which reminds me: I have to buy a new one. I'll try to remember that on Friday!

The temps had dropped even further, to -13! Nera was surprisingly happy outside, which always makes me glad. I'm also glad that I applied coconut oil this morning before hitting the gym; had I not, my skin would be crinkle chips right now. Take care folks!

 

[Cate]

Your aqua jogging sounds like wonderful therapy. I think just being in the water makes you feel good. -11 already?
When my old Mum died I kept a couple of those bed pads that used to go under her bottom sheet as I thought they might be handy one day. They would be perfect for under an old dog. Nera sounds like such a sweetie.

 

[Floater]

@Cate luckily I have always used waterproof cover thingies over my mattresses, I have several so I can wash them regularly and rotate them. No pee-infused mattresses in this household! Nera is a sweetheart. I know that if the incontinence gets worse, there's medication for that. But for now I'll just keep an eye on her senior self. <3

 

[Floater]

Fell asleep but woke up from being so hungry. Had edamame + mashed potatoes + nutritional yeast + marg and a plain pita bread with marg. Carbs helped.

I might seriously need to buy a microwave oven. I know I have talked about this before. Mostly I don't mind reheating leftovers on the stove, but sometimes I miss the convenience of a microwave oven... Quick, and portions can be reheated in the same bowl they were fridged in. Maybe there will be good finds in January sales!

EDIT: I had just dozed off when Nera woke me up. I took her out to pee and gave her a bit of extra kibble because of the freezing temps... Food is warmth for dogs, too! But at least I should now be able to sleep peacefully until late morning.