Floater's diary

Floater said:
@Cate yeah my therapist is great. It's a shame I can only afford one visit per month, but I used to work twice per week with another good therapist from 2016-2019 when I got state support for it, so the groundwork is there. The current one is a guy, the last one was a lovely older woman, I find that talking about transitioning stuff to a man is maybe a bit easier because I can sort of mirror myself off him?
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Oh, that’s excellent!
 
Oof, I slept SO BADLY. Nera woke me up at 8 and I fell asleep at 3, despite having taken a sleeping pill. Oh well, if my body doesn't feel up to the task I can skip the pool today and go tomorrow - therapy is always a stress on it anyway, but we'll see. I'm having coffee and soaking/washing rice for breakfast, I'll have it with eggs for a nice neutral breakfast that won't irritate my insomnic tummy any more.
 
This is so weird. I'm having one of those days again when I feel super hot despite it being cold outside. Took a walk with Nera, it's 0 C outside and I had to keep my jacket open, only wear a thin sleeved shirt underneath, and viscose pants... And I'm drenched in sweat. Sometimes I wonder if I have some underlying endocrine issue or ovarian cysts/growths... Well, my junk will be thoroughly examined at the trans clinic. And besides, I have always been like this.

I'm so sleepy. I think I'll walk to therapy, maybe that will help wake me up!
 
Had to buy a snack salami before therapy, I felt like I was going to pass out. There wasn't enough time to comfortably sit down for a sandwich, so I decided a salami would do (and was much cheaper, too).
 
I overheat a lot as well, more when I'm not doing great with my skin/joints.

I hope therapy goes well and you'll feel better after.
 
@LaMaria , therapy went well, but it was a really unpleasant session with a lot of pent up sorrow and anger bubbling up. I felt really tired and empty afterwards. On my way home I went to the supermarket to get eggs, broccoli, and a wheat beer. I made it home just in time for the autism assistance person's visit. This time it was a middle aged guy with whom I get along really well (well, I like all of the people who work with me but he always cheers me up), and I decided to use the visit to walk with him and Nera to the gas station for a cheese burger and nuggets I shared with Nera. This means that Nera had a fun time, I got 60 more minutes of walking in, and a meal to prevent myself from crashing. We also talked during our walk and that also helped me decompress.

I think I'll skip the pool tonight and either go to the gym or the pool tomorrow. I need to rest today. I have walked 10+ km today anyway, and will walk some more during Nera's evening walk, so that's got to be enough.
 
Floater said:
it was a really unpleasant session with a lot of pent up sorrow and anger bubbling up.
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That sounds awfully draining but also like you're doing some valuable work.
Floater said:
I decided to use the visit to walk with him and Nera to the gas station for a cheese burger and nuggets I shared with Nera. This means that Nera had a fun time, I got 60 more minutes of walking in, and a meal to prevent myself from crashing. We also talked during our walk and that also helped me decompress.
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And following it up with excellent self-care? I like it! You definitely had enough exercise for today and I hope taking out the trash during therapy will help you sleep soundly tonight.
 
Thank you, @LaMaria . I hope I'll sleep well, too. I just came back from another trip to another supermarket (on foot, of course). Got four chicken legs, lemons, red bell peppers, spring onions, basically stuff that will help make my prepped meals a bit more interesting hopefully. (I prepped 5 portions yesterday, have eaten none, but as they are vegan and I cooled them and put them away quickly, they should be fine on Monday still.)

I'm in a weird place mentally, not good, not bad. Nera was cute as always as I came home, we played with one of her plushies for a while, and I let her sniff the groceries before putting them away. I wonder what kind of a picture her little mind paints as she smells a lemon, for example. She has never seen a lemon tree or been inside a supermarket, and yet she sniffs at it very intensely. She, unlike I, can of course also smell all the other people who have touched that item in the past few hours. It must be like listening to a symphony but with her nose.

Take care, everyone.
 
I suppose there are similar scents out in nature here as well. Some fir trees would have citrusy notes, right? Hard to say what Nera would be thinking though: maybe lemon is just pleasant for her, no further reasons.

With vegan food I have no qualms about eating it after 5 days if it cooled down right after prep and sat in the coldest bit of my fridge.
 
LaMaria said:
I suppose there are similar scents out in nature here as well. Some fir trees would have citrusy notes, right? Hard to say what Nera would be thinking though: maybe lemon is just pleasant for her, no further reasons.
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I think that this is one of the greatest joys of living with a pet. They are persons, not people, but individuals with their own world view I can never reach. I can tell when she's happy or unhappy though. I guess the same applies to humans.

I still haven't eaten after the nuggets, I know I should. Going to take Nera for a walk and then force something down. To distract myself from the hard emotions and the tension in my body, I have been bingeing this braindead, yet cute anime called "Kobayashi's Dragon Maid". It's about an office worker lady who accidentally saves the life of a (lady) dragon, who moves in with her as, yeah, a French style maid. A very silly series with a lot of rowdy jokes, but ultimately a feel-good series about everyday life. I can see why this is a camp favorite among WLW/Sapphic folks; the characters are drawn to please the male gaze because that's the artstyle, but their interactions and inner thoughts are very lesbian. The show is silly, but it looks dumber than it actually is. :D :D
 
OK, no gym today. Woke up with a massive headache and muscle spasms, probably an aftermath of therapy. I'll just bundle up in bed, try to eat well, and watch more anime to zone out from the discomfort. If my body needs to rest, I should give that to it.
 
What the hell? I just hopped on the scale just for fun, and I have GAINED 4 KG. The thing is though, I haven't gotten fatter. In fact, my waist has shrunk based on my clothes. My face and neck are also noticeably more toned. So most of it has to be muscle.

I feel conflicted about this. On one hand, I like seeing my body getting buffer and firmer in the mirror. But on the other hand, I'm 4 kg further from the arbitrary BMI requirement for a mastectomy. I know rationally that they should take it into account if a person is considerably muscular, because muscle weighs more than fat. But I'm also sliding into a catastrophe mode, imagining all that could go wrong.

Better take a walk with Nera to clear my head. Haven't eaten anything today so I have to get into that, too.
 
When was the last time you weighed yourself? Could it be water weight? Between the stress of therapy and yesterday's salty McFeast I wouldn't be surprised if you were retaining some water. Add the fact that you upped your exercise by quite a bit in the past 3 weeks or so (which also makes you retain water for 6 weeks or so until your body gets used to the new stressors)... I say don't stress out yet, especially if your clothes are looser.
 
@LaMaria , I had no idea that exercise causes water retention! What a relief. It's been 2 months since my last weigh-in (I limit it because I can get obsessive about numbers easily).
 
It´s always hard to say what the best way of dealing with weighing is, especially if you have a tendency to get obsessive. Doing it too often can get super stressful but weighing less regularly makes it hard to see the difference between normal fluctuations in water retention and gut filling. Would measuring circumference on whatever body part you tend to gain weight in first every other week or so be less stressful for you?
 
LaMaria said:
It´s always hard to say what the best way of dealing with weighing is, especially if you have a tendency to get obsessive. Doing it too often can get super stressful but weighing less regularly makes it hard to see the difference between normal fluctuations in water retention and gut filling. Would measuring circumference on whatever body part you tend to gain weight in first every other week or so be less stressful for you?
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Hmm, I will have to give that a thought! At least measuring circumference wouldn't make me panic from gym gains.
 
Today I have just slept. Maybe still recovering from therapy? I have eaten, though, so that's good. About to have beetroot curry with a marinated egg (made those earlier).
 
Doing OK physically, just tired. But mentally I feel sad and old and worn out. And very lonely. Going to take Nera out for a walk now
 
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