Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
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Floater
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Indeed! I think that my body just told me "no" about visiting the childhood home. I can go there next week before my therapy session so I can get the drawings and books I have wanted to fetch from there for a while now. That way, if something big stirs up, I will have the immediate chance to mull it over in therapy.
Floater
Well-known member
Next visit is on Monday, but I have plenty of food at home so I'll be fine even if I get properly sick. I have 5 hours of assistance weekly.
They are lifesavers, such lovely people
Floater
Well-known member
I'm on my way back from the supermarket because I was craving salam
Anyway, I just got home from a walk with Nera. Now that it's late at night, we walked up a set of stairs on a ski-jump slope that is usually forbidden for dogs; but as there were no other users, I figured it would be nice to go stargazing. She walked up and down the loong slope like a boss. not really even showing her age. She turned 12 today! I feel so blessed to have her in my life!
During our walk back, I looked at the stars and started to cry. I have never really wanted biological children - no surprise, as I find the idea of personally carrying a child to term to be something my brain isn't just made for. But as I was watching Nera run around I realized that I always wanted to be "a father". Not in the biological sense, that is impossible to me anyway, but as a protector and carer, as someone who would pick up a kid (or an adult) and carry them over a puddle so their shoes won't get wet, and as someone who could show another person all the constellations on the night sky and answer the endless "why is this the way it is?"s with the best answer I have: "because at some point, people thought so; but it can be changed".
I think that most cis guys get masculinity all wrong. Having lived as a girl and a woman, and looking back to stuff I let guys do to me and how they spoke of me, makes me angry - not for me, but for girls and women. Women and girls are powerful and beautiful, they are just constantly diminished by mean words hurled at them. Sure, as a trans person, I know that hormones play a role in who we are; trans women get a cycle, and I will lose mine once I go on T. But in my mind this just speaks to the infinite beauty of nature. To think that something so "set in stone" as gender is literally just a vial of hormones away... Didn't God intend us to be this malleable? Isn't it a joy to be able to even question our identity?
If I could name one father I respect the most of all, it would be the father of a disabled girl I used to care for a decade back or so. The child was 10yrs old or so, and had a very severe epilepsy, bad enough that although she had been born healthy she was regressing fast because every seizure damaged her brain... And she had several each day. I have never felt as helpless as when caring for her. But her family? They were FUCKING FIERCE. They got her medical cannabis mouth spray - which clearly helped with her seizures. And mind you, getting that in Finland is like catching a unicorn. They regularly visited her during her stays at the facility (which was meant to host disabled kids so their families could catch a break). And when the family visited, the joy on her face was real. And her dad was just a regular Joe, wearing construction clothes, but the way his eyes lit up when his kid recognized him and stumbled to him... It was so real. He loved his daughter. She loved him. The other siblings were scared of the setting - of course - but I remember having to hold back tears. It was like a piece of Heaven in that hell of a workplace.
Now I don't want to make the impression that I am making light of incontinence. We all were there as kids and if we live long enough, we'll be there again. But once the child had an attack while the dad was visiting. And while her bladder emptied onto his clothes, he only cared about her. She was administered the drug and got better and as she was coming to, the love and care in his eyes made me think - that is the kind of a person I want to be. To fight a losing battle, but with so, so much love.
I will have assistance after therapy next week (5hrs per week in total, and I have a say where and when would be most beneficial). But yeah I'm sure we can work out a schedule, these people are a godsend. I remember when I first started working with them and was super embarassed that I even needed/got help, so I would always just clean up or cook nervously, until I was told that as I can clearly manage normal household stuff on my own, their services are also meant to narrow the gap between neurotypical folks and autistics. Like, providing us with opportunities that seem easy for neurotypical folks but that I could never pull off on my own. It can seem menial, but to me it's massive. These people are superb.
Anyway, I just got home from a walk with Nera. Now that it's late at night, we walked up a set of stairs on a ski-jump slope that is usually forbidden for dogs; but as there were no other users, I figured it would be nice to go stargazing. She walked up and down the loong slope like a boss. not really even showing her age. She turned 12 today! I feel so blessed to have her in my life!
During our walk back, I looked at the stars and started to cry. I have never really wanted biological children - no surprise, as I find the idea of personally carrying a child to term to be something my brain isn't just made for. But as I was watching Nera run around I realized that I always wanted to be "a father". Not in the biological sense, that is impossible to me anyway, but as a protector and carer, as someone who would pick up a kid (or an adult) and carry them over a puddle so their shoes won't get wet, and as someone who could show another person all the constellations on the night sky and answer the endless "why is this the way it is?"s with the best answer I have: "because at some point, people thought so; but it can be changed".
I think that most cis guys get masculinity all wrong. Having lived as a girl and a woman, and looking back to stuff I let guys do to me and how they spoke of me, makes me angry - not for me, but for girls and women. Women and girls are powerful and beautiful, they are just constantly diminished by mean words hurled at them. Sure, as a trans person, I know that hormones play a role in who we are; trans women get a cycle, and I will lose mine once I go on T. But in my mind this just speaks to the infinite beauty of nature. To think that something so "set in stone" as gender is literally just a vial of hormones away... Didn't God intend us to be this malleable? Isn't it a joy to be able to even question our identity?
If I could name one father I respect the most of all, it would be the father of a disabled girl I used to care for a decade back or so. The child was 10yrs old or so, and had a very severe epilepsy, bad enough that although she had been born healthy she was regressing fast because every seizure damaged her brain... And she had several each day. I have never felt as helpless as when caring for her. But her family? They were FUCKING FIERCE. They got her medical cannabis mouth spray - which clearly helped with her seizures. And mind you, getting that in Finland is like catching a unicorn. They regularly visited her during her stays at the facility (which was meant to host disabled kids so their families could catch a break). And when the family visited, the joy on her face was real. And her dad was just a regular Joe, wearing construction clothes, but the way his eyes lit up when his kid recognized him and stumbled to him... It was so real. He loved his daughter. She loved him. The other siblings were scared of the setting - of course - but I remember having to hold back tears. It was like a piece of Heaven in that hell of a workplace.
Now I don't want to make the impression that I am making light of incontinence. We all were there as kids and if we live long enough, we'll be there again. But once the child had an attack while the dad was visiting. And while her bladder emptied onto his clothes, he only cared about her. She was administered the drug and got better and as she was coming to, the love and care in his eyes made me think - that is the kind of a person I want to be. To fight a losing battle, but with so, so much love.
Floater
Well-known member
PS i was just playing with Nera, roughhousing with her plushie. And the fact that a literal _dog_ with the ability to remove my fingers if she would want to, and full on "ARR GRR ARFF" mode, would still always stop and wait for my reaction whenever she felt I wasn't maybe safe? (F.e. her teeth touching my skin)
When people joke that men are dawgs, maybe they should learn from actual dogs. Not a scratch on my hands and we fought for her lamb plushie something fierce!
When people joke that men are dawgs, maybe they should learn from actual dogs. Not a scratch on my hands and we fought for her lamb plushie something fierce!
Floater
Well-known member
I have been in a very strange mindset. Have eaten OK, not perfect, but at least enough to make me stay as sane as I can. Long walks with Nera also. Watched "Stalker" by Tarkovsky last night (I have had several people tell me that Nera looks like the dog in that movie) and somehow the movie seems to have stuck with me.
Floater
Well-known member
Haha, it's not a horror movie. It's a very trippy 1979 Soviet film that focuses on people attempting to reach some kind of enlightenment within a forbidden area called "the Zone". Nothing really happens. Grown, ugly men cry and nap on the moss. The Zone itself, the nature within, even the dog, feel way more real than the tiny men who expose themselves to the Zone in hopes of attaining something greater. The titular "stalker" is a spiritual tour guide, the most vulnerable of all the characters.
Floater
Well-known member
@LaMaria , here's the first clip of the dog in the movie.
For context: the man lying down is Stalker, an outcast who has dedicated his life to guiding other people into the mystical Zone. He has even been imprisoned for this, and has a wife and a disabled daughter at home, yet can't resist the pull of the Zone. The reason most people wish to enter the zone is that there is a "Room" within, a place that grants wishes. The Stalker is never allowed to enter, only to guide others to it through the perilous grounds of the Zone.
The dog appears to him first and towards the end of the movie, none of the people he was guiding wanted to have it. However, the Stalker and his wife and child were all happy to have the dog as a part of their life, caring for it. So in a way, the dog might represent a true blessing of the Zone, something material the Stalker was able to bring back, and that protected him during his journey. (The child herself is shown to be somewhat supernatural in the final shot of the film, so it makes sense that the time the Stalker spent in the Zone changed him, making him into a conduit to something greater. His wife also has a beautiful monologue at the end of the film about sorrow, uncertainty, love, and hope.)
For context: the man lying down is Stalker, an outcast who has dedicated his life to guiding other people into the mystical Zone. He has even been imprisoned for this, and has a wife and a disabled daughter at home, yet can't resist the pull of the Zone. The reason most people wish to enter the zone is that there is a "Room" within, a place that grants wishes. The Stalker is never allowed to enter, only to guide others to it through the perilous grounds of the Zone.
The dog appears to him first and towards the end of the movie, none of the people he was guiding wanted to have it. However, the Stalker and his wife and child were all happy to have the dog as a part of their life, caring for it. So in a way, the dog might represent a true blessing of the Zone, something material the Stalker was able to bring back, and that protected him during his journey. (The child herself is shown to be somewhat supernatural in the final shot of the film, so it makes sense that the time the Stalker spent in the Zone changed him, making him into a conduit to something greater. His wife also has a beautiful monologue at the end of the film about sorrow, uncertainty, love, and hope.)
Beautiful dog, terribly oppressive atmosphere!
I remember reading a book about hell once (25 years ago?) which starts with the main character dying and finding himself in the Vestibule (of hell). He meets a guy, Benny, who tells him he has to pass through all seven (?) circles of hell to find the way out (I was not aware of Dante's Inferno at the time) and offers to guide him, as he's made the trip several times before. At one of the last stations of their journey the tortured souls recognize the guide and pull him down towards where they're being punished. Turns out Benny is short for Benito. As in Benito Mussolini.
I think the protagonist rescues him from his assigned place in hell and they reach the exit but the only-limbo-level-bad guy decides Mussolini has been punished enough and he should be the one to climb up Satan's fur to get to heaven while he himself is going back to help out other souls who've come to the conclusion that their punishment was just and who have come to genuinely repent.
I think it would've been more convincing if the guide had been dead for a bit longer. I just looked it up and the novel came out in 1976, at which point Mussolini had only been dead for 31 years. Yes, the protagonist spent some time locked in a jar or something before acknowledging God and being freed so technically we don't know how long Mussolini was really in hell but it still feels like a short time. Maybe disrespectfully short.
Still: I found the main premise interesting: you don't get to get out until you acknowledge you deserve everything that's being done to you. At the time I was a believer, assumed God was omniscient, and believed His judgment would always be right but looking back it's a super creepy concept to me. A bit like (the incorrect, pop-culture version of) Stockholm syndrome.
This post is way too long and I don't even have a tl;dr... I'm leaving it anyway, maybe you'll know why your description of the movie reminded me of that book. Oh, of course: the guide who can bring others to a place he can't go himself.
I remember reading a book about hell once (25 years ago?) which starts with the main character dying and finding himself in the Vestibule (of hell). He meets a guy, Benny, who tells him he has to pass through all seven (?) circles of hell to find the way out (I was not aware of Dante's Inferno at the time) and offers to guide him, as he's made the trip several times before. At one of the last stations of their journey the tortured souls recognize the guide and pull him down towards where they're being punished. Turns out Benny is short for Benito. As in Benito Mussolini.
I think the protagonist rescues him from his assigned place in hell and they reach the exit but the only-limbo-level-bad guy decides Mussolini has been punished enough and he should be the one to climb up Satan's fur to get to heaven while he himself is going back to help out other souls who've come to the conclusion that their punishment was just and who have come to genuinely repent.
I think it would've been more convincing if the guide had been dead for a bit longer. I just looked it up and the novel came out in 1976, at which point Mussolini had only been dead for 31 years. Yes, the protagonist spent some time locked in a jar or something before acknowledging God and being freed so technically we don't know how long Mussolini was really in hell but it still feels like a short time. Maybe disrespectfully short.
Still: I found the main premise interesting: you don't get to get out until you acknowledge you deserve everything that's being done to you. At the time I was a believer, assumed God was omniscient, and believed His judgment would always be right but looking back it's a super creepy concept to me. A bit like (the incorrect, pop-culture version of) Stockholm syndrome.
This post is way too long and I don't even have a tl;dr... I'm leaving it anyway, maybe you'll know why your description of the movie reminded me of that book. Oh, of course: the guide who can bring others to a place he can't go himself.
Floater
Well-known member
Had a good cry. Called a helpline. It feels like my body is made of lead. I still packed my swimming gear and forced myself to eat dinner. Packed my water bottle and post workout porridge. I reminded myself that if I go swimming and pack clean underwear, I won't need to shower later tonight.
I'll take Nera out first, then grab my stuff and go swimming even if it's just for 30 minutes. Once I get home, I'll change clean bedsheets and do laundry. Today is one of those things when every singly chore feels like pushing a boulder uphill, but I can't function at all unless I have everything planned step by step. I maxed out on my ADHD meds today, it might make me feel more anxious but at least I'll get stuff done.
I'll take Nera out first, then grab my stuff and go swimming even if it's just for 30 minutes. Once I get home, I'll change clean bedsheets and do laundry. Today is one of those things when every singly chore feels like pushing a boulder uphill, but I can't function at all unless I have everything planned step by step. I maxed out on my ADHD meds today, it might make me feel more anxious but at least I'll get stuff done.
I know that feeling well Floater.
I hope your day goes well. Good for you for reaching out for help, making your plan and taking it one step at a time.
Sending you a hug
