Floater's diary

[Llama]

I don´t read horror but that sounds like a great start. I´d be very surprised if you suddenly developed cardiomyopathy but anxiety (or just fatigue) could absolutely do it.

 

[Cate]

I must come across as a totally unhinged person,

No, you come across as a person with an incredible imagination. I never read horror or even "thriller" but it sounds pretty damned( we just never say darned!) amazing to me.

 

[Floater]

@Cate you are way too kind!! Thank you <3

 

[Floater]

Nera woke me up to take her out, but I'll go back to sleep for a while and then hit the gym later. Feels amazing to have eaten and slept...

 

[Llama]

Food, rest, a caring pup: sounds like the best building blocks for a good day.

 

[Floater]

I woke up from my nap cranky and with a sore neck, took the dog out, wiped the floors with a static cloth and made creamy spinach-ham-onion-mushroom pasta with cheese. I took a painkiller for the neck, because my hands felt weird and clunky during cooking and I kept dropping stuff so I'm probably on my way to another muscle spasm unless I get the tightness out.

It dawned on me last night why I felt so weird about my last doctor visit even though it went well. The doc was probably curious about my trans clinic appointment (she can see that it's coming up), and that's why she kept asking "is there anything else you want to talk about?" in a curious tone while smiling. Hm. I can't say I like it if I'm right about this because the doctor should understand that she's in no position to further or hinder my transitioning goals so her asking me about them is useless, and general practitioners aren't even supposed to comment on matters that have to do with a person's gender identity and gender conforming treatments... Which is probably why she kept her wording so vague. I mean I can understand that it must have been a little weird seeing me with makeup on and my hair done but in masc clothes and masc-ish body language and intonation, but... :/

Maybe my bad mood is at least partially because if I'm correct, the doc visit was a reminder that my identity is something that people are curious about and some even want to gawk at the freak that I am (in their heads). And I mean, I can't change that so it's better to just learn to let it go but this was probably the first time I have ever had this sort of an experience. So that's why it weighs down on me a bit at least.

 

[Llama]

I can see it working both ways:
- If you had a good relationship with your GP it could feel freeing to know they´re open to listening to you about what is undoubtedly a tough process.
- If you don´t it´s going to feel like random curiosity/prying.
And even given an excellent relationship and perfect intentions how you experience her behavior/questions would probably depend on how confident you´re feeling that day. So... I agree that she should´ve held back.

I hope your neck feels better when you get up again, rather than worse!

 

[Floater]

If you had a good relationship with your GP it could feel freeing to know they´re open to listening to you about what is undoubtedly a tough process.

Yeah, I had never seen her before in my life, and most likely never will see her again because she was just a random GP I went to to get my prescriptions renewed.

I'm a bit worried - after having eaten, I got hit with the runs so bad and so out of nowhere that I didn't quite make it to the toilet and now I have to do laundry. Embarassing. I also feel super tired despite having taken my med and having had coffee. Maybe I'm having a mild flu or something?

 

[Llama]

That sounds really unpleasant. Does your area have a general-medical-advice lime you can call to.figure out if a virus is going around that might cause it and if your symptoms should prompt a doctor's visit?

(A doctor you'd never seen before should've had the tact to just shut up, regardless of intent.)

 

[Floater]

@LaMaria , sadly, we had such a line but it was discontinued due to cost reasons. But I just woke up from a nap and can tell today is not safe for gym: swolled lymph nodes, mild soreness of my throat, a headache, and sore muscles. These combined with how tired and cold I felt yesterday are pretty classic flu signs. However, I don't feel too horrible either, I'll just make sure I eat and drink lots of liquid and see how things develop (I might have to cancel tomorrow's assistance).

 

[Llama]

Even if you don't cancel definitely tell them beforehand. Get well soon!

 

[Floater]

Even if you don't cancel definitely tell them beforehand. Get well soon!

Of course! And thanks.

I launched a full frontal attack against whatever virus is trying to mess with me: I had a bowl of miso with raw brussel's sprouts and corn, snacked on a raw white carrot and 250g of raw cherry tomatoes, and am roasting more brussel's sprouts in the oven. Changed my sleeps so a sandy, hairy bed won't affect my sleep as much if my skin starts to get sore. Did my laundry and put the dishwasher on, so if I get sick, I won't have to worry about the basics. I think I'll have another bowl of miso because come to think of it, my urine has been kind of dark these past two days which is rare for me because I drink a lot, but if my body has been busy fighting something, of course it may not have been enough.

I still have three portions of the lentil stew in the fridge and it will be good for today and tomorrow, I'll try to have two portions today and one tomorrow, I can thin them out with water. Annoyingly, I have forgotten to clean my oven and change the mf-ing lamp inside. I need to get around to doing that but not while I'm busy fighting this

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear you're taking excellent care of yourself.

 

[Floater]

Glad to hear you're taking excellent care of yourself.

Ironically, I have this trait than whenever I feel like I'm at risk of something or just going to face some sort of hardship, I spring into action as a self-preservation tactic. I even paid the rest of my bills and did a rudimentary budget so I know roughly where I'm going to be in case I get too sick to cook and have to order takeout. About to have the first one of the lentil soup portions topped with raw garlic and lime juice.

 

[Llama]

Sounds like an excellent trait to have!

 

[Floater]

I ended up washing and rinsing the floors and washing the bathroom, because I figured that it's a good way to gauge how sick I really am and if I do get "properly" sick I'll go crazy with a murky toilet bowl and sticky floors. Cleaning did feel a bit more taxing than usually, and I had to take a couple of breaks, but now the apartment looks and smells amazing, and I feel in control again. I just had a bowl of miso with raw, chopped carrot and wakame, and I'll have my second bowl of lentil soup in a while.

EDIT: I may have overdone it because I'm all emotional and angsty as soon as I sat down for a moment, but whatever. The cleaning had to be done anyway. Let's just hope that I can keep myself from washing the garbage cabinet in the middle of the night

 

[Llama]

I hope you get a good night´s sleep and feel better tomorrow.

 

[Cate]

Ironically, I have this trait than whenever I feel like I'm at risk of something or just going to face some sort of hardship, I spring into action as a self-preservation tactic.

What a good trait to have.
I really hope you recover quickly from whatever this is. I think you have had your covid shots, but you can still get it, but not so bad you end up in hospital. Can you get a covid test nearby?
Whatever you have sounds awful. I hope it flushes through your system. Meanwhile taking it very easy sounds like a very good plan.

 

[Floater]

@Cate *hugs* thanks! But honestly, it's always an option that it's psychosomatic.

I can get sick from stress, mental or physical (not just I of course but people in general, and those living with the aftermath of trauma are often especially vulnerable for this). The fact that I spent several hours cleaning while feeling not too good kind of points to that direction, too. To me cleanliness and order mean safety, and I needed to feel safe and in control. (The springing into action when feeling threatened is also a pretty classic symptom...)

This might become a long night. Luckily the doc renewed my sleeping pills, so I can pick those up tomorrow as well as my new glasses if I'm feeling healthy. Maybe finally give my blood sample to the bio bank, too. (They are building a database for genetic diseases and also inform donors of any risk factors they may have. I filled out the consent form almost a year ago but haven't gotten around to going to give the sample.)

Lentil soup is getting a bit repetitive but it did the job. I added scorpion sauce, garlic and lime. If I can't sleep, I'll have some yogurt and blue cheese with carrot sticks as a snack. Possibly some bread too if I feel carbsy.

 

[Llama]

Carbs might help with sleepiness, too. Not that that's helpful to say now given the time, but hey.