Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
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I hope you´ll feel better for the water jogging. If nothing else it´ll at least make you hungry.
Floater
Well-known member
The autism assistance person came over and said that in her opinion I should probably rest today. I do think I need a mental health day. In fact I'm kind of relieved I didn't push myself to go swimming, it would probably have tipped me off balance... Besides, my body aches from having slept so badly and I have heart palpitations, so (heavy) exercise is not even necessarily safe for me right now. I will take Nera for a long walk while it's still light out. I'll pack my swimming gear today, so it's easy to just grab and go tomorrow.
I have eaten two bananas and lentil stew today. Everything tastes like drywall and makes me gag, but I'm proud I made it. I can have smoked salmon later. Maybe with some simple noodles with spring onion and soy.
I have eaten two bananas and lentil stew today. Everything tastes like drywall and makes me gag, but I'm proud I made it. I can have smoked salmon later. Maybe with some simple noodles with spring onion and soy.
Floater
Well-known member
As often happens, my anxiety has alleviated towards the evening. I managed to eat 150g of smoked salmon even though chewing and swallowing still feel a bit unpleasant. I think I'll have cheese toast before bed and let's hope I'll be back to my normal self tomorrow.
EDIT: the whole thing is way too complex to explain, but I have an idea for a short horror script with two autistic protagonists in their thirties or so. They are siblings whose roles and looks are drawing inspiration from Cain and Abel (but with a surprising and positive disintegration of the trope at the end). Big sister is a devout Christian, hard-working but with no charisma. After the passing of their parents, she's looking after her brother and disregarding her own sensuality, with not an artistic or aesthetic bone in her body, but plenty of sharp wit and vicious tenacity instead. The younger brother is an artist at heart, whose SPIN (special interest) is fursuiting, and who has mastered the art of making fursuits to the point that he has a steady influx of custom orders flowing in. His fursona is a lamb, of course, while the big sister dresses in whatever she finds for cheap and that doesn't trigger her sensory sensitivities; think of them as a peacock and a pea hen, one is gorgeous and the other plain as porridge. But even though they don't always see eye to eye and the sister can get a bit bossy while the brother is a cloudcuckoolander, they do share a genuine affection and respect towards each other.
The antagonist of the story is a furry who takes interest in the brother's work and about whom the sister gets rightfully worried about, recognizing that her brother is vulnerable to grooming and other forms of violence as he still carries a child-like innocence to himself (whereas she is pretty jaded and considered a nagging killjoy by most around her; she's right, but she bears the burden of misogyny, and her autistic traits are not making things easier for her). The antagonist is inspired by a real-life furry called "Carpet Sample" or "Shadowwolffess", who makes his suits from plushies he has used as masturbatory aids. The guy also has committed heinous shit towards living beings, and obviously I'll have to tweak his character around quite a bit to make it legal and to not get sued to my ears for using a real person's likeness, but I'll link his fursona here so you'll get the general gist of why I find him morbidly useful as a horror antagonist.
Now the easiest way to get around the copyright issue is to make the guy supernatural, just like Stephen King did with Gacy-inspired Pennywise in "It". It will also serve the core themes of the manuscript very well: the story of Cain and Able is ultimately about a very twisted dynamic trying to please a God who is capable of cruelty towards his own creations, and the jealousy that this sort of treatment can bring about. So the monster furry character will be a dark god of sorts, serving as a metaphor for the siblings' deceased parents whose influence still looms over them, making the big sister unable to appreciate herself for her supposed lack of skills and grace, and the little brother having internalized the need to please parent figures even at his own peril. The ending will be happy though, at least in horror standards, with the protags being able to grow from their experiences and to defeat the monster. I also feel like the majority of the screenplay would focus on the horror of trying to seek help in the face of a danger that is so taboo that the surrounding community labels the help-seeking attention seeking. The younger brother not seeing the danger, and the sister trying to apply to authorities just to be gaslit to hell and back and being called crazy for her righteous fears. (I kind of like this idea of an ending to the final conflict where it turns out that the monster furry is no longer even human, just layers and layers of fabric and stuffing and old filth, maybe torn and tattered pieces of the siblings' old toys scattered in the mix to really drive home the metaphor that this is about surviving trauma, but we'll see how the whole shebang turns out if it ever even does. Trying to write it down would still be a fun hobby and give me confidence about applying to the film school!)
I have missed this feeling of starting to see pictures in my head, like I already know how the siblings should be stylized for the film to etch out their characters through visual means... And just think about it - for assisting/background actors for a convention scene where the protags meet the antag, I'm sure that plenty of real furries would be ecstatic about getting to be immortalized on film as their fursonas, so this would cut down production costs significantly! I know this is me putting the carriage before the horse, but unless I can dream, I won't ever make it to the film school, so even if this idea turns out to be a dud... So what? It's still practice.
PPS: and the big sis is a vegan of course, with people seeing it as just one more example of how "annoying" she is (Cain was a farmer, Abel was a shepherd), but it's a central part of her character and her fear of never measuring up so she turns to devout behaviors to control her anxiety. Vegans get a bad rep way too often, it's time to shake that trope a bit
EDIT: the whole thing is way too complex to explain, but I have an idea for a short horror script with two autistic protagonists in their thirties or so. They are siblings whose roles and looks are drawing inspiration from Cain and Abel (but with a surprising and positive disintegration of the trope at the end). Big sister is a devout Christian, hard-working but with no charisma. After the passing of their parents, she's looking after her brother and disregarding her own sensuality, with not an artistic or aesthetic bone in her body, but plenty of sharp wit and vicious tenacity instead. The younger brother is an artist at heart, whose SPIN (special interest) is fursuiting, and who has mastered the art of making fursuits to the point that he has a steady influx of custom orders flowing in. His fursona is a lamb, of course, while the big sister dresses in whatever she finds for cheap and that doesn't trigger her sensory sensitivities; think of them as a peacock and a pea hen, one is gorgeous and the other plain as porridge. But even though they don't always see eye to eye and the sister can get a bit bossy while the brother is a cloudcuckoolander, they do share a genuine affection and respect towards each other.
The antagonist of the story is a furry who takes interest in the brother's work and about whom the sister gets rightfully worried about, recognizing that her brother is vulnerable to grooming and other forms of violence as he still carries a child-like innocence to himself (whereas she is pretty jaded and considered a nagging killjoy by most around her; she's right, but she bears the burden of misogyny, and her autistic traits are not making things easier for her). The antagonist is inspired by a real-life furry called "Carpet Sample" or "Shadowwolffess", who makes his suits from plushies he has used as masturbatory aids. The guy also has committed heinous shit towards living beings, and obviously I'll have to tweak his character around quite a bit to make it legal and to not get sued to my ears for using a real person's likeness, but I'll link his fursona here so you'll get the general gist of why I find him morbidly useful as a horror antagonist.
Now the easiest way to get around the copyright issue is to make the guy supernatural, just like Stephen King did with Gacy-inspired Pennywise in "It". It will also serve the core themes of the manuscript very well: the story of Cain and Able is ultimately about a very twisted dynamic trying to please a God who is capable of cruelty towards his own creations, and the jealousy that this sort of treatment can bring about. So the monster furry character will be a dark god of sorts, serving as a metaphor for the siblings' deceased parents whose influence still looms over them, making the big sister unable to appreciate herself for her supposed lack of skills and grace, and the little brother having internalized the need to please parent figures even at his own peril. The ending will be happy though, at least in horror standards, with the protags being able to grow from their experiences and to defeat the monster. I also feel like the majority of the screenplay would focus on the horror of trying to seek help in the face of a danger that is so taboo that the surrounding community labels the help-seeking attention seeking. The younger brother not seeing the danger, and the sister trying to apply to authorities just to be gaslit to hell and back and being called crazy for her righteous fears. (I kind of like this idea of an ending to the final conflict where it turns out that the monster furry is no longer even human, just layers and layers of fabric and stuffing and old filth, maybe torn and tattered pieces of the siblings' old toys scattered in the mix to really drive home the metaphor that this is about surviving trauma, but we'll see how the whole shebang turns out if it ever even does. Trying to write it down would still be a fun hobby and give me confidence about applying to the film school!)
I have missed this feeling of starting to see pictures in my head, like I already know how the siblings should be stylized for the film to etch out their characters through visual means... And just think about it - for assisting/background actors for a convention scene where the protags meet the antag, I'm sure that plenty of real furries would be ecstatic about getting to be immortalized on film as their fursonas, so this would cut down production costs significantly! I know this is me putting the carriage before the horse, but unless I can dream, I won't ever make it to the film school, so even if this idea turns out to be a dud... So what? It's still practice.
PPS: and the big sis is a vegan of course, with people seeing it as just one more example of how "annoying" she is (Cain was a farmer, Abel was a shepherd), but it's a central part of her character and her fear of never measuring up so she turns to devout behaviors to control her anxiety. Vegans get a bad rep way too often, it's time to shake that trope a bit
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Floater
Well-known member
This is God's honest truth. I already texted the assistance person who's coming over tomorrow that I'm in a mood for doing some art tomorrow - she's into drawing and painting herself, and we have previously agreed that I can use her visits to get myself started/focused on art stuff if so needed (because part of their services is to also coach us and help us to get enrichment, which is very important for mental health after all).
Floater
Well-known member
I slept poorly again and had intrusive thoughts (like fearing that a flowerpot will fall in Nera's head and she'll die and it's going to be my fault), but the tension got released when the YT algorithm gave me a surgery video about gender confirming mastectomy.
.
TW: surgery
.
I thought I would have felt squeamish as the guy was operated on, and the mammary gland tissue was extracted like a grainy chicken fillet, but it just looked so natural and right to me. I actually started to cry out of relief. He also had some of the fat lipoed and re-inserted to sculpt a fuller chest, and nipple grafts which I personally don't want because my nipples are huge. But there was included a scene where he was shown his chest after surgery when he was still a bit high and he started to cry. At that moment I had to pause the video and go to the bathroom to ugly cry because I had this super strong emotion that science is a miracle and my body will some day be a work of art. And of course, once I go on T, I think the bodily changes will help me prepare mentally for the surgery.
After that I had a nap and a banana and started to read about the Enneagram. I am pretty sure that I'm a self-preservation style six with a five-wing. But it's a fun book, I can vibe with it.
I still have heart palpitations and a weird pulsing sensation behind my eyes, and my skin is super red and patchy-looking. The temps have dropped below zero so it's no wonder my skin reacts, but let's hope it will get accustomed soon. I'm glad that Nera has already pooped twice today, because yesterday she had some trouble with it after having eaten a bigger bone the day before. I gave her Turkish yogurt yesterday, it usually gets her gears grinding again.
.
TW: surgery
.
I thought I would have felt squeamish as the guy was operated on, and the mammary gland tissue was extracted like a grainy chicken fillet, but it just looked so natural and right to me. I actually started to cry out of relief. He also had some of the fat lipoed and re-inserted to sculpt a fuller chest, and nipple grafts which I personally don't want because my nipples are huge. But there was included a scene where he was shown his chest after surgery when he was still a bit high and he started to cry. At that moment I had to pause the video and go to the bathroom to ugly cry because I had this super strong emotion that science is a miracle and my body will some day be a work of art. And of course, once I go on T, I think the bodily changes will help me prepare mentally for the surgery.
After that I had a nap and a banana and started to read about the Enneagram. I am pretty sure that I'm a self-preservation style six with a five-wing. But it's a fun book, I can vibe with it.
I still have heart palpitations and a weird pulsing sensation behind my eyes, and my skin is super red and patchy-looking. The temps have dropped below zero so it's no wonder my skin reacts, but let's hope it will get accustomed soon. I'm glad that Nera has already pooped twice today, because yesterday she had some trouble with it after having eaten a bigger bone the day before. I gave her Turkish yogurt yesterday, it usually gets her gears grinding again.
Floater
Well-known member
I drew a character concept for the horror furry during the assistance visit - we got into such a flow as I was explaining my inspiration that she accidentally stayed 10 mins overtime lol 
After that I had a banana and water jogged for an hour. I'm exhausted and so cold I'm shivering, so I had an overpriced sandwich at the swimming hall cafeteria. But I did work out despite all.
Edit: I wonder if these periodical sluggishnesses are tricks of my ovaries? Hard to tell with an IUD and no flow, but I feel week, cold and unusually moody.
After that I had a banana and water jogged for an hour. I'm exhausted and so cold I'm shivering, so I had an overpriced sandwich at the swimming hall cafeteria. But I did work out despite all.Edit: I wonder if these periodical sluggishnesses are tricks of my ovaries? Hard to tell with an IUD and no flow, but I feel week, cold and unusually moody.
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I did sometimes feel like my hormones played tricks on me despite the iud so who knows. I love that you got into the writing flow so much though, that's awesome!
Floater
Well-known member
Yeah... After all, the holy trinity is formed by variations of oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels during the menstrual cycle, and even a hormonal IUD only prevents the thickening and slouching off of the uterine lining and other than that it has very little impact on the whole cycle. I think it's fascinating that trans women who go on T blockers and HRT develop a hormonal cycle with all the "joys" of it like cramps, despite not having a uterus so obviously no flow. "If you can't make your own hormones, store bought are fine
"Ah, I just got home and I'm dog tired. I think I'll sit down for a while, take Nera out and have a short nap before having dinner. This kind of tiredness makes me feel all cranky!
And yeah I had a lot of fun - I was drawing instead of writing this time, as I find it easier to flesh out the initial stage of characters by sketching them and then writing down central character traits. Water jogging was also a good way to keep spit-balling ideas about the antagonist in my head. As I'm aiming for the horror comedy genre, I think I'll make him either an insurance company medical adviser in his "civilian" role, or some other generally hated medical practitioner. At first I planed to make him closer to the real-life Carpet Sample, but it's much funnier and more poignant if the horror furry has a good societal position while he's secretly into banging plushies, microwawing hamsters, and grooming an autistic fursuit maker. I mean it's also accurate that those types of weirdos tend to be able to fly under the radar as they have the means and the wits to not get caught. For personal baggage I would have liked to make him a psychiatrist, but then he would be just a pervert version of Hannibal Lecter and the trope is all bones my now; and if he were a psychiatric nurse, he wouldn't have the same kind of societal prestige and available income to make him extra disturbing.
I must come across as a totally unhinged person, but a hobby is a hobby. I used to write school plays as a kid (and yes, one Christmas-themed one was even presented!) and LARPs as a teenager before my mental health went totally down the drain. So the drive for this kind of a project has been present in my life for a long time... Maybe this will lead to something, maybe not, but I have fun just playing around with it.