Floater's diary

Floater said:
I'm thinking gym twice a week for the next two months, it's plenty enough when combined with long walks and doing my best with my diet.
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The physio approves 👍
Floater said:
Maybe it's healthy for me to try and unravel that sort of binary thinking, because in a way I'll always exist in the liminal when it comes to gender, and that's quite fine.
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I think that's a healthy mindset.

And I quite enjoy reading your musings even when I don't always have anything sensible to say about them.
 
Floater said:
Then again, I'm sure there are plenty of hypermasculine business shark CEO:s who rock lace panties under their suits and who am I to judge. Maybe it's healthy for me to try and unravel that sort of binary thinking, because in a way I'll always exist in the liminal when it comes to gender, and that's quite fine. Liminal spaces are places of power.
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What an excellent point. I wonder how many men do wear lacy underwear under their suits......
I also love reading your musings :grouphug:
 
Thank you @LaMaria and @Cate !

The cabbage soup turned out delicious, I had it with fresh baguette. Going to go to sleep soon, but I just watched a documentary about Tasmanian devils and it made me think of you Cate! Have you ever seen one? Sucks that they are endangered, but their noises are certainly not of this world and yet they look so cute ;__;
 
I have certainly seen Tassie Devils. In fact, I have patted one at a local wildlife sanctuary. It had been born there. One night I woke to a horrible screaming sound & there were 2 devils fighting over a dead bird, just outside our spare bedrooms. It looked like a parent fighting with one of their kids. So funny! They are normally very shy animals & are scavengers, rather than aggressive. I wouldn't want to get in the way of them eating though. I love how different things make us think of one another. I love this community.
 
@Cate this is a wonderful community!!

I'm going to get my dog her eye meds and then have lunch (I only had a bit of dry baguette for breakfast with my meds). But I wanted to share something I think is very important when it comes to my struggles with neglecting my health, which has to do with self worth and self image issues.

As you guys know, I had a rough childhood and suffer from a dissociative disorder to this day (although things have gotten much better). I personally believe that healing requires reconnecting with former experiences and emotions, sometimes called one's "inner child". Sounds unscientific, but the name is just a concept, a tool. Anyway, as part of my disorder I sometimes hear voices inside my head. Not psychotic in origin - I know they are my own thoughts - but they feel separate from my persona to a degree. They used to be angry and distressing, but in therapy the tone has shifted, and more and more often I hear a child's voice needing to be comforted. Today I woke up to the voice telling me it loves me, AKA that I love myself. It was a new thing and it felt nice, like I'm finally starting to enter a new stage of recovery and can see a future where my past no longer holds my mind hostage. Of course, it is expected that it's not a linear process, but progress is progress. It's much easier to care for someone or something we love, so I should keep this self love in the forefront with all I do.
 
I have been walking around a lot today, sucking in the autumn air before all leaves get stripped. I also retrieved a post package with some new hair dyes (pumpkin orange and pink) and a black, fuzzy hoodie. It doesn't look the most flattering on me - it sits tight around my hips and floofs up around my waist, and has big pockets that add to the effect - but goddamnit I feel nice wearing it. It's warm and I feel like I'm being hugged by a fuzzy black animal. It also has a nice big asymmetrical hood that gives me a lot of gender euphoria (AKA feeling like how you look and feel reaffirms your true gender identity).

Not much else to say. I washed the floors when the autism assistance person was here, and the apartment is lovely and fresh now. Going to have cabbage soup for dinner and I plan to go to sleep early, tomorrow I have a big day visiting my old hometown with Nera and checking out our old haunts.
 
Floater said:
They used to be angry and distressing, but in therapy the tone has shifted, and more and more often I hear a child's voice needing to be comforted. Today I woke up to the voice telling me it loves me, AKA that I love myself.
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That´s so wonderful it´s making me tear up :beating: Definitely keep that feeling of love at the forefront if you can!

I´d love to see a picture of your hair when it´s done - maybe just the back if you´re not comfortable with having your face on here?
 
LaMaria said:
That´s so wonderful it´s making me tear up :beating: Definitely keep that feeling of love at the forefront if you can!

I´d love to see a picture of your hair when it´s done - maybe just the back if you´re not comfortable with having your face on here?
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Sure, no issue - as long as the hair dye turns out looking ok, of course. Due to my gender dysphoria I'm not quite OK with showing my face or my body in pictures even with/to IRL friends, but if the dye turns out OK, and especially if I get some easy to edit pics from our trip tomorrow, why not?

Still. I feel so hopeful about my future. It's all about little steps. My suffering and anxiety in this moment is valid, but I do have the choice what to make of it. I won't shrug it off, I will live with it until the day that things change for the better.

CONTENT WARNING: SURGERY

I have talked about this in therapy a lot. But it feels so strange to me that I can look forward and wish for an operation that is going to remove a couple of kilograms of healthy living tissue off me. Of course my chest won't look like a cis guy's chest naked, and most likely there will be some issues with feeling as the nerves take years and years to grow back in and adapt to the new situation. I know it's not easy. I don't "want" it done, I seriously believe I need it done. As this is October, breast cancer awareness month, I also feel for people who would have loved to keep their breasts but had no choice due to illness. I understand their battle is a bit different, but the process is the same.

When I imagine myself post surgery, knowing in a few years I'll be taking that leap of faith, being put under while knowing all the details that could go wrong... And waking up confused, in pain, with drains wriggling into my chest, too weak and vulnerable to even sit up on my own, most likely having to have a catheter inserted... And still, knowing the pain that is to come is less than what I feel in this body. Something in me tells me that no matter how bad the recovery period will be, and no matter how messy the scarring will be, even the worst case scenario is worth it and a sign of just how much I love myself. To be able to seek the treatments, to stick to being on HRT, all the psych evals, and having to deal with the fact that my manliness is ultimately still going to be different from a cis guy... It's an uphill battle but I would not change it for anything. Because this is who I am, and I'm living in an age that allows for people like me to modify our bodies, and goddamn, I'll make the most of that chance. The chance to give my mind a place it can call a home while I'm here on this beautiful, wondrous Earth.
 
Another great advantage of being alive right now is that you can know what's ahead. You know what other guys look like after top surgery. You've undoubtedly read about the risks and the recovery process. You don't have to go it alone.
 
Floater said:
Today I woke up to the voice telling me it loves me, AKA that I love myself. It was a new thing and it felt nice, like I'm finally starting to enter a new stage of recovery and can see a future where my past no longer holds my mind hostage
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That made me teary too. It is so important that you hold that feeling to remind yourself that you are worthy of love. I feel that you are getting that little bit stronger all the time & are definitely moving towards who you are & who you want to be. :grouphug:
 
The trip to my old hometown with the dog today was great. I'm super wiped. Will post cute dog pics later. Food-wise, today has been very good. Take care, folks!
 
I was supposed to hit the gym yesterday, but went for a walk with my ex instead. Woops. Food-wise yesterday wasn't the best, not terrible, but I was struggling with it a bit. Today I had a bowl of noodles with avocado, sprouts, shiitake, edamame and ham for breakfast, did some chores. Mentally I'm feeling pretty rough today... Slept poorly and can't really feel a connection to my body.
 
LaMaria said:
:unsure: I'm not so sure... Puppy/kitty pics are pretty essential to the proper functioning of the internet... 😁
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:D True!

I had a bad time late last night. I had talked to my priest earlier and it was a good discussion. She remarked how much better I seem mentally than a year ago, and how I seem to have worked out my transition needs and she's happy about that. All of this felt great to hear, of course. But later the dysphoria got so bad I couldn't stand it and I ended up drinking. "One swallow does not the summer make", but I'm still annoyed, because it was totally unnecessary calories and I feel the effects on my lack of attitude and am feeling even more blue today. Not hungover, but tired. All the changes ahead are really getting to me.
 
Fuck it, I'll hit the gym today as soon as I've walked the dog and eaten, I'm fed up with this slump and the clock to my next doc appointment is ticking!! Doesn't matter if I just go to make one squat, I need to get back on the wagon!
 
How many calories in one beer? 150-200? If you managed to stop at one you won in my book. Hppe you make it to the gym regardless how much you end up doing.
 
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