Floater's diary

[Llama]

I hope you ended up getting some sleep

 

[Floater]

I hope you ended up getting some sleep

Eventually, yeas, at 5AM.

But happy news: my subconscious has been hard at work and I woke up today with a refreshed sense that transitioning is right for me, and that my ability to do things with my body AKA go to the gym, appetite and so on are clearly linked to whether I see my body as a man's body in process or a lump of flesh and doubts about my identity.

Breakfast was rice noodles, chickpeas in peanut butter sauce, and thinly sliced cabbage.

 

[Llama]

But happy news: my subconscious has been hard at work and I woke up today with a refreshed sense that transitioning is right for me, and that my ability to do things with my body AKA go to the gym, appetite and so on are clearly linked to whether I see my body as a man's body in process or a lump of flesh and doubts about my identity.

Framing is so important. Great work subconscious!

 

[Floater]

Great news! I have applied for an additional disability benefit to cover my meds etc, and after a year of waiting, it got approved. So I got myself some osso bucco, red wine, baguette and cilantro, and will make the Vietnamese red wine stew today! And of course pay all my bills while it's stewing! What a relief <3

 

[Floater]

By the way, as I visited another supermarket than I originally intended, they didn't have any super cheap beef cuts - the osso bucco was from grass fed organic farming cows and cost 10 euros/230 grams out of which most of the stuff is bone and marrow. But; that meager amount of meat is now marinating in the fridge, and I thought I might just as well add tofu to the finished product. It's not strictly authentic to the dish, but Asian cuisine often combines meat and tofu (unless it's Buddhist in which case animal products are not used at all). And I'm frankly quite curious about how the end result is going to turn out. It's almost 7PM here so I may not have time to prepare the dish tonight, but the recipe said it can be left to marinate overnight, so...

 

[Llama]

Great news! I have applied for an additional disability benefit to cover my meds etc, and after a year of waiting, it got approved. So I got myself some osso bucco, red wine, baguette and cilantro, and will make the Vietnamese red wine stew today! And of course pay all my bills while it's stewing! What a relief <3

Congratulations! I hope that'll reduce some of your stress from now on.

Do you have broth plans for that bone and marrow?

 

[Floater]

Congratulations! I hope that'll reduce some of your stress from now on.

Do you have broth plans for that bone and marrow?

Yeah, I'm going to slow braise the whole osso bucco/shin pieces as they are, so the marrow and connective tissues should melt right into the broth! The leftover bone "ring" is going to go to the trash, I doubt it will have much flavor left after the cooking process (EDIT: I notice that my original wording sounded like I cleaned the meat off the bones, but all of the goodness is going to go into the dish)

And yeah, the monthly extra amount of money I'm going to be getting from now on is a bit less than 100 euros, but it's still going to cover my med costs, so that's fantastic news. ADHD meds are crazy expensive!

 

[Llama]

100€ when you´re tight on cash can be a BIG difference. Our dogs used to get the leftover bone after soup-making (maybe they still do?) but you´re right of course: not much left to them at that point.

 

[Floater]

I got so hungry I decided to prepare the Vietnamese beef stew today. After all, the minimum time to season the meat was 2 hrs, so 2 hrs 45 mins should be plenty enough. As a result, I got marinade and beef juices all over my clothes and a minor burn while browning the meat lol, but all is well that ends well: my clothes are in the washing machine, the stew is simmering away on the stove and smelling like manna from the heavens, and I'm nibbling on a piece of a baguette and sipping on leftover red wine... Bliss. (I decided to add carrots into the stew already, so that they will turn into a sweet mush during the hour or so of simmering. I know it's not for everyone, but I prefer it this way.)

I forgot to mention, but I did laundry earlier today and washed the toilet/bathroom, and changed my bed sheets. Tomorrow I'll wash the floors! And as promised, I'll take care of my bills now while waiting for the stew to get done. I really wish I could send the smell over to you folks online, the combo of spices, red wine, onions and hearty meat is divine. I substituted sugar in the recipe with maple syrup and I swear I can smell the difference...

 

[Llama]

That sounds divine! Hope you took good care of that burn though.

 

[Floater]

That sounds divine! Hope you took good care of that burn though.

I did, it was just one of those "bzt- whoops - apply cold running water" ones; no blister, just a slight redness

I just went to stir the pot and the bone marrows have melted into the rest of the stew... The lighting is awful, but I'll try to get a nice pic of the end result! Only 15 more minutes to go!

Edit: the meat is still a bit chewy so I didn't get pics, but I had a mini bowl of the broth, carrots, and what meat I could cut off the bone, mixed it with bean sprouts and dipped a baguette in it. It tastes insanely good. I´m going to raise the temp a bit and simmer it for 30 more mins, then have another mini bowl, cool the rest, walk the dog, and go to sleep. Almost all of my bills are paid, yay!

 

[Floater]

OK I have a full belly, laundry has been hung up to dry, the dishwasher is toiling away.

I think I know why I have struggled to hit the gym.

I have experience of eating disorders. They exist in women and men and in nonbinary folks. But having been a restricter in my youth, and now striving for a more masc body, I think I know why I feel so uneasy around trim, fit male bodies. The "muscle beast" body type is desired among cis het men, but it¨s also something that most trans guys look up to. And it's so unattainable. For most trans guys it's even less attainable as the frame just isn't there, it's like hanging up an A4 sized masterpiece in the Louvre; no matter how good it is, it still looks small. (The Mona Lisa is a small painting though, but... Exceptions of exceptions!)

So I really have to let go of trying to attain a certain or any body type. Maybe I should try covering all mirrors from the neck down for a while? Make a conscious decision to focus on how my body feels, not how it looks? I mean, let's say I get to transition and my hair happens to fall out, and my mastectomy ends up looking like the chest of the Frankenstein's monster. Do I still want to transition? I mean, yeah, because aging and dying in this body, as pretty as it is now, is even worse. Like, aesthetically I do think women are more pleasing, but I suffer looking like one.

So. To muster up what it takes to go to the gym, I need to remember how good it felt when my muscles were a bit harder and more distinguishable. I hate seeing myself from the mirrors, and the other people seeing me, but I like the feeling afterwards. I can get ack there, I will.

 

[Llama]

Like, aesthetically I do think women are more pleasing, but I suffer looking like one.

That right there is the part people often don't get. Almost all of us feel the pressure/desire to conform to society's standards for conventional beauty. If your sense of self doesn´t line up with that pressure it starts to crush you.

The mirrors in the gym used to mess with my head a lot.

 

[Floater]

Almost all of us feel the pressure/desire to conform to society's standards for conventional beauty. If your sense of self doesn´t line up with that pressure it starts to crush you.

You put it into words so well. And I'm so sorry you also feel this. I think people are so used to hating what they see in the mirror that talking about it feels somehow more vain than actual vanity (AKA, living for the image and putting looks over everything else).

I just came back home from walking the dog, I went to buy cauliflower heavy cream,, cheese and baking sheets while we were out as well. The weather is perfect for some cauliflower gratin, and at this time of year they are really cheap too!

I plan to take it easy today. I started watching a really interesting and different anime last night - "Kaiji Ultimate Survivor". (Anime titles are so freaking duuuummmbbb ) It's set in 1990's Japan during the recession, when a lot of young people were jobless and the economy was in the bin. The protagonist, Kaiji, is a 20-something-year old unemployed and low key alcoholic gambling addict, whose life alternates between doing part time low pay jobs and being stuck at home drinking cheap beer and playing video games; what little money he gets, he wastes in pachinko parlors. As a way to let out some steam, he vandalizes luxury cars as a way to get back at the rich folks.

The story kicks up as he is visited by a mobster who informs him that he owes the yakuza a stellar amount of money due to having foolishly agreed to be a guarantor to a friend's loan. The interest rate is so high that he would have to pay the money back for over a decade, but he's offered an alternative: to take part in illegal gambling tournaments against other people in a similar position. Needless to say, this is no Yu-Gi-Oh; losers will be sold to human traffickers, and the further the series progresses, the more imminent and horrible the stakes get.

But the real gist of the series is that it's less of an action/thriller anime, but rather a story about ethics and the human psychology. The original mangaka who drew the source material is a gambler himself, and the series addresses the addiction factor of gambling really well. Kaiji's addiction is a force that he has to constantly fight against in order to not give into his impulses. And on the other hand, he doesn't want other people to suffer, but he also has to win, so there's a lot of interesting "survivor's guilt" dynamics at play there. Of course, the rich bastards who enjoy pitting people against each other like race horses are horrid assholes, but Kaiji has no way to reach them or to do anything about his situation except to play. And despite being such a good-for-nothing in the first episode, Kaiji does have a heart and he suffers from having to see other people get hurt, to the point that he tries to constantly play the system against itself to help others.

I find Kaiji to be highly relatable, because the series is subtly but clearly pointing out that he's a person who can't really find joy in the ordinary; when he's safe in his home and going through his daily routines, he suffers and has no motivation. But under pressure, he becomes the best version of himself. This isn't new to fiction (or real life), but Kaiji notes in a narration sequence that that this need for living on the edge is pathological, even masochistic at times; so he's not a shiny nice golden protagonist who level-ups during hardships, but a deeply flawed asshole who somehow becomes the best version of himself when under imminent threat. He also loses a lot, and heavily; getting deeper into debt, and eventually sustaining bodily harm as the games progress.

Bit despite the premise being so bleak, there's something I just can't get enough of in this anime. Might be the art style (everything and everyone is caricature-ishly sharp and ugly, emotions really jump at you from the screen, et cetera), or maybe because I really relate to Kaiji as a character It's funny that I do, as gambling and/or gaming are one of the few vices I am not prone to; I just don't find it interesting or worthwhile to waste money into something that doesn't guarantee me a reward in return. I find even card games and such super boring; especially if chance is involved, I can't understand the appeal. At least when buying treats or alcohol, there's a very clear reward in sight. But - Kaiji's character is still so well written that I absolutely need to find out what happens to him next!

Well, what a weird ramble once again. I should eat something soon!

Here are two pic I took on my walk. The weather is so nice right now.

 

[Llama]

Both of those could be paintings; autumn is gorgeous!

Flawed characters always make more interesting stories than heroes. The only way Superman comics could exist was by continually coming up with new and creative ways of using his two weaknesses against him. Ultimately boring! Someone with room for personal growth offers us much more (if they do indeed grow; looking at you Batman).

 

[Floater]

Hm, weird. I got really sick and threw up the gratine I had eaten an hour before or so. I can't understand why, as I haven't eaten anything that would have been stored or prepared in an unhygienic manner; but then again, I felt instantly better after throwing up, which usually points to the body wanting to get rid of something in the food? I walked to the kiosk and got two tubes of Pringles, as they are something I tend to crave when I'm feeling unwell (processed carbs, fat, and sodium - makes sense, very easy to digest and help keep fluids in the body), and I felt perfectly fine while walking and still feel OK.

Well, sometimes my body just does weird stuff and I have therapy coming up on Friday, so this could be about that as well.

 

[Llama]

Yeah, stomach stuff can definitely be psychosomatic sometimes. Hope the next meal stays down.

 

[Cate]

They are lovely photos, Floater. Nera looks so noble

 

[Floater]

They are lovely photos, Floater. Nera looks so noble

She is my little royalty <3

 

[Floater]

Therapy was great. I cried a bit. I bought an african milk tree - now quarantined in the sauna until I'm sure it doesn't have mites - which I've been wanting to get for a long time now. I also got chicken legs I shared with Nera after getting home, some pork for braising, and a tiny slice of Stilton I'll have later with white wine. (I want to recreate the Vietnamese stew but with white wine and pork instead of beef and red wine!)