Floater's diary

I had two pieces of "bread pizzas" from last night (dry rye bread baked with tomato sauce and cheese) for breakfast, and two eggs for lunch. I think I'll walk to the supermarket in the evening and buy a pastry or a small cake. I rarely eat that kinda stuff but today I woke up and my first thought was "I want cake", so why not.

I managed to do chores and have lunch during the assistance visit. Now I'll go back to sleep...
 
Making 5 "bread pizzas" for dinner. I also had a juice pack. I eat like a toddler but at least I eat. Anxiety is at a very low level, which is great.
 
Meh, the supermarket didn't have cakes I would have liked, so I got halloumi, spicy ramen, and saltines instead. I stared longingly at pretty aloes and monsteras they had, but that will have to wait until 3.8.

I also got a mini bottle of rosee wine, I'll have it in the evening well cooled and with a side of saltines.
 
I'm hanging on quite well, but turns out there's a reason I have felt so bad these past days. I was casually watching some water park related content on YT and had a flashback to being 14 and in this German water park...-

TW child neglect, child abuse, adult irresponsible sexuality

The clerks came to me all worried because I wasn't supposed to be there without adults. I was dumbfounded because to me it was normal to be abandoned to be picked up later. Thinking back now, my parents were obviously swingers, and not in the OK responsible way, they literally dropped me like an old hat whenever they vibed with another couple in a hotel or motel. Some of those couples were related even. Not full Alabama, but fucking cousins and their spouses while your kid makes sand castles 50 meters away is bad enough.

Yes, I kink shame. There are situations that deserve all the shame.
 
Cate said:
Oh, Floater :grouphug:
Click to expand...

Thank you Cate. I have been feeling some way ever since I posted the previous one. I have eaten, took a shower, even warmed up the sauna (my towerblock has one in each apartment), but I just feel restless and nasty. Well, I guess most people with EDs have seen stuff and have had to eat with people who were deeply unappetizing. So sometimes keeping the momentum just out of spite can feel really powerful.


Poor teenager me but I came far. We all did. Thanks Cate
 
Rising above your upbringing is a bloody huge achievement. There isn't a punching bag near that sauna is there? It just sprung into my mind thinking of your parents.
 
Being angry about having been neglected is not kink shaming. You have come far! And eating out of spite is still better than not eating.
 
Thank you all <3

Today has been hard food wise. Dry bread, marg, and saltines. It's still way better than nothing.

I think I'll go buy an onion and some cheese and make a super simple pasta sauce out of them with the overripe tomatoes I have sitting at home. I'll caramelize onion properly, chop in the tomatoes, and just have that with some pasta and cheese. I have noticed it before that whenever I'm really stressed or having trauma flashbacks, my foods need to be very simple, everything else just chokes me up
 
I just prepared and ate a meal from scratch, and in this mindset it truly is an achievement. I caramelized onions and celery (the latter one doesn't really caramelize but I like the taste) in a splash of light beer with a bit of sugar and a good dash of salt, once they were done after 30 mins or so I added chopped tomatoes and turned up the heat until most of the moisture from the tomatoes had been drawn out and I had more of a soup consistency. Then I let that simmer on low for 30 more minutes, added a can of white butter beans and a bit of Emmental cheese, and the resulting soup tastes incredible. Very simple, but exactly what I needed in this moment.
 
Sorry to hear the stress and flashbacks are still going strong but great work caring for yourself regardless! That's big. Plus that soup sounds delicious.
 
Sucks about all the stress and flashbacks Floater. Really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.
Good for you managing to not only to eat, but to eat some really healthy and delicious sounding meals and cooked from scratch no less--I'm impressed!
 
Thank you @liza and @LaMaria .

It goes without saying that I drank the rest of the beer, but it felt good to eat an actual meal and not just bread for all mealtimes. I'll probably have some more dry bread with marg before bedtime to meet some sensible kcal quota, but tomorrow could be even better than today. Just as the assistance folks say, for some people sustainability is not about avoiding lows, it's about enduring the lows and having them maybe lessen in frequency if all works out well.
 
I'm about to have breakfast... At 5PM. Today I'll have a short term ADHD pill to see if it makes my anxiety worse or not. I'm having macaroni and cheese
 
Floater said:
for some people sustainability is not about avoiding lows, it's about enduring the lows and having them maybe lessen in frequency if all works out well.
Click to expand...

LaMaria said:
Sounds sensible. I should probably keep that in mind for my own stuff.
Click to expand...

exactly my thought for myself LaMa!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top