Floater's diary

Lunch: two fried eggs and a pita bread filled with tomato paste, lettuce, and cheese. A tomato, potassium pills, a multivitamin fizz.

Big "shocker": my memory loss episode and these few past days of feeling constantly like sh*t were clearly aggravated by the heat, missing proper mealtimes (aka falling back to fasting throughout the day and eating trash in the evening), and probably also forgetting the potassium supplement which would then effect my hydration. So staying in track with regular mealtimes is once again proven to be a cornerstone of well being.
 
By the way, the rash is gone. My skin still feels dry but luckily I didn't need cortisone cream, just rest and hydration. Funny how the body reacts to stress
 
Awesome that your rash cleared up! It´s funny: I too keep being surprised that stuff I learned through experience actually works :D
 
Snack: two sandwiches made out of dried flatbreads, filled with lettuce, tomato paste, marg, and cheese. Heavy "samefooding" energy, but whatever tastes OK and is reasonably good for me is good for me
 
Phew, I finished the application to have a 12 month "grace" period for my student loan payments. In Finland, pensioners only need to pay the interest for the loan for the duration of the temporary pension period (and if a person is declared permanently unable to work, the state pays the student loan back to the bank for them). Filling out the form was tedious, but I managed it and it also made me feel like maybe I'm not going to go insane this summer after all. It's almost exactly a year since I was hospitalized, and last year I was literally unable to make myself a sandwich because my executive dysfunction was that bad. I was certain I had brain damage or something, it was terrifying. Today I've been pretty anxious but much better than on previous days. I can handle this.
 
I had a slice of Viennetta an hour ago and now a plate of carrot, celery, dates and blue cheese. I feel a bit depressed but I'm sure it will pass
 
I just had tuna pasta with cheese. Glad to have my appetite back. I'll soon take the dog out and then try to sleep
 
That's really good getting that paperwork done. Hope you sleep well after your walk. Well done looking after yourself well on a tough day xo
 
Breakfast: pita bread with tomato paste, two eggs, lettuce and cheese. Didn't sleep much last night so heading for a nap
 
Cate said:
That sucks. Good thinking having a nap. I tried to today as I keep falling asleep in the evening.
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The nap was lovely. I had some wild dreams about being on a fishing boat and finding a jetblack, 25-meter-long deep sea centipede monster. There was also a hurricane and a dizzying sea vortex and I saved a puppy that was thrown around by the winds. It turned out to be Nera, soaking wet and giving me a shocked look. But it was more of an adventure dream than a nightmare.

So hungry!!! Not a lot of options either. I think I'll have eggs, fried tomatoes, and marinated beans. After that I'll slap on sunscreen, walk the dog, and just relax.
 
Eggs/tomatoes/beans sounds delicious and very filling. Hope you enjoy the walk! The longest centipedes currently in existence get to around 30 cm in length and can eat mice and lizards while the longest centipede-like animal we´ve found fossil evidence of could get up to 2.5 m. It was likely herbivorous though, like modern millipedes. That ends today´s segment knowledge nobody asked for.
 
LaMaria said:
Eggs/tomatoes/beans sounds delicious and very filling. Hope you enjoy the walk! The longest centipedes currently in existence get to around 30 cm in length and can eat mice and lizards while the longest centipede-like animal we´ve found fossil evidence of could get up to 2.5 m. It was likely herbivorous though, like modern millipedes. That ends today´s segment knowledge nobody asked for.
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I love all things zoology, this made my day, thanks!

Yeah the eggs+ tomatoes + beans was probably one of my favorite meals I've had in a while. I put Scorpion hot sauce on the runny yolks... Yum! Ialso had two dates for dessert for some extra fibre and carbs, and am now making coffee and getting ready to go out. I also ate sitting by the table, which is rare, as I've mostly found eating so unpleasant that I've distracted myself with Youtube and by sitting on the bed. It felt almost festive lol.
 
Trauma/flashback/anxiety issues are still here, on slow burn this time but I have some pretty bad moments for sure.

This is a rant/vent once again and deals a lot with gender stuff so feel free to skip.

So I have mentioned that last year I was hospitalized. What I didn't mention is that I was hospitalized because my psychiatrist at that time (a horrid hag, may I add) thought I was psychotic for telling her that I'm scared I was born intersex and operated on in infancy. The reasons why I think this may be the case are a long, long story and of course, I'm not saying that this is definitely the case. It's all based on vague recollections and some anatomical oddities I have and those could very well have other explanations. In any case, I WILL find out during the trans process because they screen for genetic abnormalcies and also do an extensive exam which should reveal any tampering with my original plumbing.

It's just so weird that I basically pushed all these thoughts under for a whole year. Before I was sent home from the hospital, another psychiatrist asked me if I still believe I might be born intersex. I looked her in the eyes and said that there's no one in this world who can tell what the truth is before I have had my phenotype charted, so it's useless to speculate. This was apparently a sane enough answer to warrant release.

But it's kinda nuts that even talking about the possibility of being intersex is such a taboo that it warrants a suspicion of psychosis. Intersex people exist and some never show any outward signs of being born that way. And of course intersex folks can be cis or trans. Some have fertility issues and some have none. I'm glad I'll find out eventually. Soon, in fact. And then deal with it. (Trans diagnoses are given to XX/XY folks only. But I found out that currently intersex people can also get HRT and surgeries, so that's a whole big weight lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.)

Anyway; just got back from the supermarket, was super jumpy and paranoid, but I bought tomatoes, cucumber and halloumi. I'm planning a halloumi pita for dinner.
 
Given that your parents seem to have been pretty extreme about the whole topic I don't think it's too far of a stretch to at least consider if you have anotomical peculiarities. Intersex folks ARE rare but so are trans people. In a society where parents get told not to ever tell their kids about this kind of surgery it wouldn't be weird if between one in ten and one in a hundred trans folks turned out to have been born intersex.
 
LaMaria said:
Given that your parents seem to have been pretty extreme about the whole topic I don't think it's too far of a stretch to at least consider if you have anotomical peculiarities. Intersex folks ARE rare but so are trans people. In a society where parents get told not to ever tell their kids about this kind of surgery it wouldn't be weird if between one in ten and one in a hundred trans folks turned out to have been born intersex.
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Thank you.

I actually contacted my parents after a long break; there's a law initiative in Finland now that would ban all forms of "conversion therapy", and one of the flag bearers of this movements is a trans man called Ilkka Koskikara. He was tragically operated in infancy, was cinditioned to be a girl, and was never told the truth. He had to reverse engineer the truth and never fully recovered - "life ruined" - by his own expression. He waited for his parents to die before he transitioned. I sent them the article on the excuse that Koskikara grew up in the same sect as my parents and news about them usually elicit a response of some sort from my parents. This time, it was crickets.

I think it's interesting that when I read the article, the next morning I woke up and had a brief hallucination of having had a skin graft taken off my arm for a phalloplasty - something that was featured in the article. I have read extensively on metoidioplasties and phalloplasties lately just to know my options (although I don't really see why my life would be better with a dick), and nothing about it was new or shocking, so I think it's interesting that reading that article left me with such a strong impression.

But; I'm months away from an answer. And I'm the person who brought me so close. I should feel at peace; I've done my best.

Link to the article; it's in Finnish of course, but translators may help and the photos of my f*g brave KING are there, too. Ilkka Koskikara leikattiin lapsena tytöksi, koska sen ajateltiin olevan hyväksi hänelle: "Minun elämä pilattiin täysin"

PS if someone is interested enough, translating this should take me 45-60 mins max so just ask if it's of interest!
 
:grouphug: I'm glad you'll get certainty soon. Even if it doesn't have any practical consequences right now I can imagine the uncertainty being so stressful.
 
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