Floater's diary

I had four dates for a "breakfast" with my meds, and just had my first proper meal of today. Not due to ED thinking, it's simply too hot to have an appetite. I had a couscous salad with spring onions, olives and cubed Finnish "bread cheese", which has a halloumi like consistency but way less salt.

I still have some leftover couscous I have to either eat today or discard, and a small bowl of feta and blackbean tomato sauce. I'll have those before bed. Therapy tomorrow... Couldn't be happier to go; i have had some pretty intense anxiety about my gender stuff and future etc.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I had a whole pack of halloumi before bed last night. But then again, in this heat, whatever goes down and stays down is a plus. I notice that if I don't get enough salt, I start to have muscle cramps... Trying to balance it out by eating tomato products and potassium pills.
 
Heat isn't fun, especially when your housing and cultural expectations aren't made to deal with it. Glad you managed to eat something and keep it down. Best of luck with therapy tomorrow!
 
Snack: two slices of rye bread with lemon-flavored rapeseed oil and smoked salt. (I'm out of marg, and as the lemony oil tastes like s**t in warm dishes, I'd rather use it like this rather than buying marg. Avoiding waste is an important part of eating relatively well on a budget...)
 
LaMaria said:
Heat isn't fun, especially when your housing and cultural expectations aren't made to deal with it. Glad you managed to eat something and keep it down. Best of luck with therapy tomorrow!
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It definitely shows that Finnish houses are built to withstand the cold, not the heat. I've spent my childhood summers in France and the houses stay cool even during heat spells. Here, the triple paned windows and central air conditioning turn apartments to ovens. Old timey wooden houses at least breathe, towerblocks are heat hells, especially as the sun is up for most of the 24 hours warming the stone/concrete materials up.
 
Dinner: blackbean tomato feta sauce, spring onion, couscous, and corn. It's a stew consistency and I wasn't sure it would work out well, but it does. So happy that I managed to avoid wasting my leftovers <3
 
Bedtime snack: two slices of rye bread with nutritional yeast, hotsauce and lemon oil, and a big piece of bread cheese.
 
You are becoming really good at not wasting your food. There's too much of that in the world. All the best with therapy :grouphug:
 
I had another meaningful dream before therapy today - literally during a nap just before.

I was at Uni, in an auditorium, listening to someone give a speech (not a lecture) about horses and the art of riding. I scoffed out loud, to be met with deadly glares and a tall guy approaching me and hassling me for being "too loud". After that, a short guy with a hearing aid and a cane came to me and started to tell me how embarassing I am and how he'll tell his mom who works at a newspaper, and will write a scoop about me. I laughed at him and his childish threat, but as he didn't budge, I had to tackle him. I felt guilty for attacking a disabled person, but no one seemed to mind, and I realized I'm disabled as well (due to my mental stuff, which in the dream equaled to physical disability on an ethical scale) so it was somewhat of a fair match.

I went to a supermarket; I was supposed to meet my friend P, whom I met in real life a couple days ago. We were supposed to go to the gym, but I was totally lost in my sense of direction and time, and felt like my body would shut down; so I headed to a supermarket to buy a beer and groceries. I couldn't make sense of the sums, the cashier gave me back a wrong amount, and I ended up calling my ex, O. He came to pay for me, and we decided to get married.

The ceremony was depressing; it took place in the middle of winter, in grey slushy weather, I was wearing a hideous pencil skirt and a frumpy cardigan, sporting bright red hair like Ariel in "The Little Mermaid". The church smelled of stale coffee and bad bakeries, and the ceremony was as short and blunt as my childhood. We headed home and immediately started to fight. I was freaking out about being trapped in a girl's body with mermaid hair; I felt like clawing my way out, getting an instant divorce, just doing anything I could about it.

Woke up happy again. My conscious mind might be willing to stick with the old, but my subconscious is craving the change.
 
I have guac and soy yogurt that will expire today. After therapy I bought hot dog buns and pita breads because I lack variety in carbs, but am stocked on protein. I also got 2x 150g of halloumi cheese on discount because in case I have no appetite, it's better to eat that than nothing at all.

Anyway, I think I'll make hot dog "sloppy joes" with beans in tomato sauce, guac, hot sauce, spring onion, and either salty/hot yogurt sauce or halloumi. The remaining soy yogurt is easy to eat as a snack anyway.
 
I keep thinking about buzzing my hair off; I have mentioned it here before, too, I think? i could just pack away my hair products and dyes and my straightening iron until it grows back. I guess I'm both curious to know how I would find myself with a buzz cut now at 33, when the last time I did it was at 19. My face and body have changed, of course, but also having no hair and seeing how it feels might help me with transition anxiety? I don't mind getting more body hair as none of my male family members are super hairy, but hair loss is to be expected if I go on testosterone. So it would be like a reversible fitting on the new body, if you catch my drift.

Still totally unable to eat solid food. But it was nice to go out with the dog and sit in the nearby forested area, just chilling and taking in the atmosphere, listening to the trees shush in the wind, my dog really seemed to enjoy herself too (we found a shade that also got a good breeze). Her hind paws are now fully healed and she moves along as usual, which I'm very glad about.
 
I would totally buzz off my hair if it wouldn't be a problem for work! Glad to hear Nera is feeling better and I hope solid food will soon be an option again as well.
 
I have been so tempted to give myself a buzz cut over the years, but usually get a razor cut. Go for it, Floater if that’s what you feel like.
 
My friend and godmother (I got baptised as an adult in 2020, and I met her and my other nonbinary godperson during my Uni years) is coming over in the evening, we are planning to have a salad potluck and white wine :D

Luckily, my appetite came back last night and I had halloumi (shocker :p ), roasted chickpeas with mushroom soy sauce, and hot dog buns. So not far off from my original vegetarian sloppy joe intentions. In Finland there's currently a huge trend of brioche hamburger buns and hotdog buns, and oh man, they are so sweet they taste like candy to me. I ate 3 hotdog buns with fillings last night, and one plain today, and it was pretty much just as good. I would compare the taste to a croissant, but the consistency was soft of course.

During my morning walk with Nera I went to the kiosk and got a "proper" hot dog, of course skipping the dressings because god knows how long they have been sitting on the countertop in the sun. (I also don't really like ketchup or mayonnaise, relish, etc.,, don't hate them to the extent to ask a burger without, but I just happen to like the taste of plain sausage on a toasted bun. After that I had a nap and will start cleaning up soon to make my home as nice as possible for my dear guest. I already washed a fresh set of bedsheets for her, as she's going to stay over and everything in my home smells of dog unless it's freshly washed lol.
 
Thanks for sharing that dream you had Floater--I love hearing people's dreams!
I hope you have a lovely visit with your friend!
 
Brioche buns don't work as burger buns for me: the good ones just dissolve in your mouth and the bad ones are dry. I like bread with a bite.
 
I loathe sweet buns. I got such a shock when I had bread in the US. It was so sweet! Hope you enjoy the visit with your friend. :)
 
Thanks @Cate , the visit was great and I'm very hung over now :D :D But it's the happy kind of hangover - the kind you know is a result of a good time with a dear friend. I have only eaten carrots today, but I still have leftover salad in the fridge and will get to that as soon as I can.
 
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