I always have excellent reasons why it would be better to put off dating for another year or so. Been doing so for the past 8 years or so... Enjoying puberty might actually be a valid one though. And if you do happen to run into the perfect guy in the meantime there's no rule that says you can't change your mind.
Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
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Floater
Well-known member
I'm honestly a bit terrified about the increase in libido most trans men on testosterone get. Of course, this time around I have fully developed frontal lobes as well. So if the right one shuffles around, who knows? I don't know if this makes much sense, because I also think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with people engaging in short-term relationships. I just don't find it personally enjoyable. This time around I want to be treated like a rare and heart warming exotic bird. I have to say that hetero and homosexual male relationships have a very different definition of what demure and patient mean. Lesbians tend to be glacial in their courting. Of course there are deviations to the norm, but it makes me think of how much we are slaves to our hormones, environment, and our constantly aging bodies. We get so many ideas from the media, religion, art, etc.
Such a wonderful topic really.
I did not want to know that exists!
Floater
Well-known member
Sorry! I have had a hard time eating today, sometimes flaky/crunchy foods help me get started. I sniffled and nuzzled it like a horse to get over the dread of eating.
At one point I almost gave up trying and thought drinking would be easier, but I need as many alcohol free days now as I can. So I didn't. I'm proud.
The clicic's gender questionnare came in the post today. I filled it in, will post it tomorrow. Shit's getting real.
Today was spent in bed watching Black Summer. Trying to have faith for the future.
Gym tomorrow.
You should be! Great work. I'm glad you made it through the day and hope you have a reasonable night.
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you! After the antihistamine and sleeping pill started to kick in, I suddenly felt hungry, and had two slices of fye bread with three over easy eggs on top, two stalks of celery with some blue cheese, and a little bagged smoothie for dessert.
I think I'll fix myself a big veggie platter of carrots, red bell pepper, and more celery with a small side of salted peanuts. Eating definitely helped.
Cate
Long term member
Some days just are....
Well done getting through it & looking after yourself xo
Floater
Well-known member
Thanks @Cate!
The dog woke me up at 4am and a heavy rainstorm hit us just as we were outside. But it kept me awake just enough to write down a strange dream I had. I'll write it here too once I've slept a bit more and processed it.
I had soy yogurt with soy protein and agave syrup and cinnamon and two slices of rye bread with blue cheese for breakfast. Now back to bed before assistance comes over at 10.
The dog woke me up at 4am and a heavy rainstorm hit us just as we were outside. But it kept me awake just enough to write down a strange dream I had. I'll write it here too once I've slept a bit more and processed it.
I had soy yogurt with soy protein and agave syrup and cinnamon and two slices of rye bread with blue cheese for breakfast. Now back to bed before assistance comes over at 10.
Floater
Well-known member
24 Celsius and 80% humidity... I'm dripping sweat just sitting down.
Second breakfast: 150 guacamole. Assistance will be over in 20 mins, I plan to wash the floors because the dog is drooling so much that they are pretty nasty already. After that I'll just kill time until evening and gym.
Oh - the dream I had - goes as follows -
It was the end of the world as often in these dreams, but not _really_. I was making my way to a highschool, I ran there and my body felt strong and capable. My ex was there and he wanted to race me on the racetrack. I went limp and started to cry, the track was muddy, I was wearing bikinis all of a sudden and my body just shook and jiggled and felt useless. There was a team of cheerleaders there and they laughed at me. My ex couldn't understand why I was so upset. Then my hand got stuck into some kind of a maintenance machine as I tried to squeeze past it and the janitors had to be called. They were two toothless men who laughed at a big titted blonde like me getting stuck, it was humiliating and my hand hurt. When I got free, my mom cycled past and I yelled after her that I'm going to have a mastectomy soon. I said that with relief and pride. HEr response was something along the lines of "oh my goodness, what now? Well if that's what you think you need, but I'm sure going to miss them" meaning herself, and disappeared into an underpass. I knew she knew I was trans, or else she would have asked if I had cancer. It confirmed what I already knew: she'd never have any other emotion towards me than failed ownership and spite.
It was a nightmare but I woke up feeling happy, secure in my identity, and accepting that these are the cards I'm playing with and what matters is making the most of them.
Therapy tomorrow!
Second breakfast: 150 guacamole. Assistance will be over in 20 mins, I plan to wash the floors because the dog is drooling so much that they are pretty nasty already. After that I'll just kill time until evening and gym.
Oh - the dream I had - goes as follows -
It was the end of the world as often in these dreams, but not _really_. I was making my way to a highschool, I ran there and my body felt strong and capable. My ex was there and he wanted to race me on the racetrack. I went limp and started to cry, the track was muddy, I was wearing bikinis all of a sudden and my body just shook and jiggled and felt useless. There was a team of cheerleaders there and they laughed at me. My ex couldn't understand why I was so upset. Then my hand got stuck into some kind of a maintenance machine as I tried to squeeze past it and the janitors had to be called. They were two toothless men who laughed at a big titted blonde like me getting stuck, it was humiliating and my hand hurt. When I got free, my mom cycled past and I yelled after her that I'm going to have a mastectomy soon. I said that with relief and pride. HEr response was something along the lines of "oh my goodness, what now? Well if that's what you think you need, but I'm sure going to miss them" meaning herself, and disappeared into an underpass. I knew she knew I was trans, or else she would have asked if I had cancer. It confirmed what I already knew: she'd never have any other emotion towards me than failed ownership and spite.
It was a nightmare but I woke up feeling happy, secure in my identity, and accepting that these are the cards I'm playing with and what matters is making the most of them.
Therapy tomorrow!
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Floater
Well-known member
Therapy fodder indeed. I find that sometimes nightmares are the best things when it comes to moving on from an internal crisis.
Lunch: soy yogurt with soy protein, sunflower seeds, cinnamon and agave syrup; instant oatmeal. Very beige, but decent fuel. The apartment is all clean and fresh now, I'm waiting for the dishwasher to be done so I can have some coffee and then take the gender questionnaire to the post.
I started to re-watch Black Summer's first season after finishing the second one yesterday. I have a weird fascination about horror in media and especially zombies. It's such a formulaic genre, you know what you are getting, and when it's done well it's really about the visuals of it all - makeup, stunts, staged ruins and so on. Plot-wise it's rarely Ibsen
But it's my weird comfort hobby. It's also the only formulaic horror genre that I like, slashers and creature features are incredibly boring to me. (Also I hate The Walking Dead because it takes itself WAY too seriously; if I want to watch a zombie camp soap opera, Z Nation is my go-to, but then again it leans so heavily on pop culture parody that it's basically a comedy.)By the way, I need to find a new place for the Medusa plant pot, the balcony is too sunny for the plant and the leaves are getting a yellow tint.
Floater
Well-known member
I totally get it. A good zombie movie gives me total heebie jeebies, because while the premise of reanimation is bullshit, zombies behave a lot like belligerent drunks or people blinded by rage, and they look sick and infectious, so it presses all the "necessary" evolutionary buttons. And because the plot usually deals with "living-on-living" social scheming, violence, starvation and so on, it's definitely an intense combination. There's truth to the saying that every society is three meals from anarchy (how fitting on a weight loss forum!), and I find the topic of absence of healthcare and medication the absolute worst part of any zombie movie. (Need insulin to survive? Missed your last tetanus shot and stepped on a nail? Or have an IUD that's starting to inch it's way into your peritoneum three years into the apocalypse? Got pregnant? Et cetera.) Death from preventable causes is something that upsets me to no end both in reality and in fiction!
TW: unsafe family environment
I was terrified of zombies as a kid, because my brother would chase me around the house and yell "BRAINS" and always took it way too far so that I was hysterical and crying by the end he caught me, only then to say that I have no brains at all because I'm so stupid, and limp away. (Sorry, I have humiliating childhood stories galore.) So personally I watch zombie movies for the same reason some people watch superhero stuff, it's something of a weird power fantasy about overcoming my negative associations with continuous stress that just keeps coming and coming relentlessly, and how somehow you are still supposed to keep your dignity in the middle of all that. Funny how our brains work, isn't it...?
Anyway! I'm in great mood actually. I had a slice of Viennetta for dessert and did some chores and played with the dog. Not much else to do before the UVs get low enough for me to walk to the gym
If any of those apply you´re clearly a side character
Also: your brother sounds like a dick and responsible adults should´ve reined him in. I´m sorry your parents failed you.
My problem with vampire/werewolf/zombie stuff is the "turn you into one of them and make you attack your loved ones" thing. Can´t deal with that.
Floater
Well-known member
So true about the side character trope, and the turning on loved ones trope as well. (Werewolves have serious trans guy vibes though and I love canines, so I have a soft spot for them.)
I finished my workout. Well, more like half assed it. I'm still glad I went, not every time can be great, but I was so frustrated that I just cursed under my breath. Everything felt uncomfortable, and my little gremlin hands seemed to have no grip at all. I went straight for a burger and beer after. Maybe it plays a role that I posted the gender questionnaire today, and that I have therapy tomorrow. I still went and I'm sure the buff guys have shitty days, too.
Tw: neglectful parenting
Thanks for emphatizing about my brother. I have no idea if he always had a naturally sadistic streak to him or if it was due to upbringing, but he's messed in the head. We are 11 years apart, and he would push me underwater during family trips to the brach for fun... My parents would read magazines and lazily yell "kids, stop picking at each other". 90s Finland was a lawless wasteland of parenting.
Well, I'm still alive and feeling pretty good about life.
I finished my workout. Well, more like half assed it. I'm still glad I went, not every time can be great, but I was so frustrated that I just cursed under my breath. Everything felt uncomfortable, and my little gremlin hands seemed to have no grip at all. I went straight for a burger and beer after. Maybe it plays a role that I posted the gender questionnaire today, and that I have therapy tomorrow. I still went and I'm sure the buff guys have shitty days, too.
Tw: neglectful parenting
Thanks for emphatizing about my brother. I have no idea if he always had a naturally sadistic streak to him or if it was due to upbringing, but he's messed in the head. We are 11 years apart, and he would push me underwater during family trips to the brach for fun... My parents would read magazines and lazily yell "kids, stop picking at each other". 90s Finland was a lawless wasteland of parenting.
Well, I'm still alive and feeling pretty good about life.
That's the main thing. The best revenge is a life well-lived and all that.
In the long run the difference between buff guys and non-buff guys is whether or not they keep showing up when things are hard.
Also: on Pratchett's Discworld the undead have proper inner lives, families, and goals beyond killing everyone. Much more fun.
Floater
Well-known member
True, true, and I LOVE TERRY PRATCHETT. Esme Weatherwax is my all time favorite witch and a huge influence for me when I went to study Theology/CSR. I love how in the books magic is real but not any more or less so than any other pervasive belief about reality.
I remember reading a Children's Illustrated Bible (definitely not OK for kids by today's standards) and the story of Lazarus. It was really terrifying, but I also liked the idea that while everyone said he was a lost cause and nothing could be done, and he was starting to stink, he was still good enough for Jesus. There are layers and layers of internalized transphobia wrapped in that statement like Lazaruses' body in his shrouds, and maybe I'm looking back at child me all nostalgic, but I do remember wanting to die and be resurrected and not to be accepted my parents but to prove a point to them.
I was a very spiteful child.
I mean it was for good reason, and in a reasonable amount spite can be a source of strength, but I was a campy queen even back then. Enough about weird religious/psychoanalythic ponderings; I just took a shower and a painkiller and I should eat something soon. I have some soup left, and beans, and other basics. My feet are very sore, I think I've been walking in flip flops too much.