I feel like rambling on for a bit, so here goes.
TW/CW: trans experiences, voice, surgery and hormone talk, talk about genitalia
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First of all, I want to link a song that means a lot to me.
I love Thom Yorke in general, both his work in Radiohead and as a solo artist. This one - Suspirium - was made for the soundtrack of the remake of the horror movie Suspiria (2018). The movie instantly hit home for me. I spent my childhood playing the violin, I was gifted at it, but the culture around it was so destructive that I burnt out before I even turned 18. Playing was a NEED I had; the instrument turned into an outlet, I could hide behind it, for a long time I could convince myself that as long as I stayed quiet and let the wood and horse hair speak for me, I could disappear behind my craft and cease to exist as an embodied person who looked like a girl, then a young woman, but felt like a hideous deformed monster.
Of course, the classical music scene is VERY gender coded; women are considered less than by default. So I also felt angry for women, and wanted to prove that the naysayers are wrong about them. But having to dress up in evening gowns to play, watching my weight and figure because otherwise I would not "look professional" (WTF has weight to do with playing, is a good question)... It caught up to me. So, when I saw Suspiria, the way the ballet school was depicted spoke deeply to me. In the movie, the ballet school it's set in is lead by a coven of witches, and the attendees are expected to perform at the risk of their lives, never knowing just how high the stakes are, because the true, real show goes on in the backstage. Still, the appeal to skill, hubris, and pushing limits are very real things that happen in art. And for those reasons, I have learned to reject my deep need to express myself; it's associated with danger, dishonesty, and personal suffering.
When the movie came out, I saw it in the theater and was deeply impacted by it. I would take long walks in the woods with my dog Nera, listen to the soundtrack, and cry. The song I linked became especially powerful to me because Thom Yorke sings in a high register. I would sing along it during my walks, and it helped me accept that my high voice can still be a man's voice. I have such profound memories from standing in the forest in the winter, looking at the wind shaking the firs against the gray sky, listening to this song and singing along and choking onto my own tears.
I listened to it again last night and felt good about myself. I think I'm on the right path. And one of the gifts I'm truly thankful for is realizing that my journey and transition will not be about trying to emulate a cis man as well as I ever could; that's the reality of some trans men, but that's not what I am pursuing. I think it might be related to me being autistic, as autistic people in general tend to disregard societal gender norms. If I met a fairy godmother tomorrow and she offered to give me any physiological changes I could wish for, I would not want to have a dick. First of all, I'm not interested in penetrating anyone, and besides that, why would anyone want to have a dangly member and two very delicate balls swinging around between their legs? Don't get me wrong, dicks and balls are very fun and cute but that doesn't mean I would want to have them on my person. And realizing this, I also accept the fact that this is how I feel about having breasts. To me, they are a hindrance. For a long time I thought that it would be wrong to get a mastectomy, because my titties pretty much fit the current beauty standard. On another person I would think they look great, but on my person they just _feel_ wrong. They are there on my chest, like an illness I can live with but that gives me sadness and pain. I look forward to the feeling of going swimming topless and not having the water make the glands and fat move around.
Don't get me wrong. I know that transitioning will make me "uglier" in the way I'm perceived by others. But it's not of interest to me. I want to be happy in my body. I also think about the health benefits of not having breasts, a womb, and a cervix; with the added benefit of never having had a prostate, the likelihood of me getting the most common cancers is greatly reduced. But most of all, I look forward to myself becoming someone, something different, with harder muscles, a different fat distribution, more angles and less curves, a sleeker and harder version of the person I already have a great frame for. The possible hair loss bothers me a bit, but not enough to deter me from the process; after all, most women also experience hair loss or thinning at menopause, and I happen to have a very pretty skull shape, so...
After all this ramble; my goal for today is to go sit on the balcony and draw a sketch of myself as a man/masculine, and then post it here. It's going to be interesting to compare it to a quick sketch I made while I was hospitalized, heavily drugged, and only had access to pencil crayons and squared notebooks of bad quality.
They are from the same brand as my old synthetic ones, but much sturdier and with a Vibram outsole. Sure, 100 euros is a big investment for me, but these boots should last me a few years in daily use at least, and as the cheapest runnig shoes start from 50 euros and usually break in 3-4 months, this is exactly what I need. They are waterproof as well, so very useful in Finnish wintertime.
