Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
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Floater
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I like the sound of that! I had something similar when I was younger and I wore it regularly for roughly 10 years
I remember us talking about the topic of utility kilts, so when I saw one, I thought to myself I have to give this a try
It has pockets and straps and press buttons and all kinds of cool thingamalings (that I will no doubt get stuck into door handles and branches, but they look badass )
Floater
Well-known member
Snack: sweetened oatmeal with cinnamon, sunflower seeds, a tomato.
I wiped the floors and prepped dinner. I'm currently in a slump, but it's not even 8PM yet so there's plenty of time to get to the gym. I think I'll buy the eggs and blue cheese on my way back from the gym, not before. The less I jam "moving parts" into today, the more likely I am to get to the gym, which feels incredibly hard today. (I'm really triggered about an online discussion I saw on the e-version of a newspaper, lots of transphobic comments and one person who claimed they are a ftm detransitioner; detransitioners do exist as a minority of a minority, and my heart goes out to them, but the way this person was writing and their aggression made me think they were a troll. Or maybe I thought they were a troll because in a way it's easier to think that versus thinking that someone within the community would be so hateful...? Either way, reading and hearing nasty comments just comes with the territory. It's natural to be affected, but I can't let myself be overcome with the negative emotions.)
I wiped the floors and prepped dinner. I'm currently in a slump, but it's not even 8PM yet so there's plenty of time to get to the gym. I think I'll buy the eggs and blue cheese on my way back from the gym, not before. The less I jam "moving parts" into today, the more likely I am to get to the gym, which feels incredibly hard today. (I'm really triggered about an online discussion I saw on the e-version of a newspaper, lots of transphobic comments and one person who claimed they are a ftm detransitioner; detransitioners do exist as a minority of a minority, and my heart goes out to them, but the way this person was writing and their aggression made me think they were a troll. Or maybe I thought they were a troll because in a way it's easier to think that versus thinking that someone within the community would be so hateful...? Either way, reading and hearing nasty comments just comes with the territory. It's natural to be affected, but I can't let myself be overcome with the negative emotions.)
Either is possible but given how rare detransitioners are and how common trolls are I wouldn't be surprised if you were right.
Floater
Well-known member
^ yeah, the statistics sprung to my mind too, especially as this person claimed they detransitioned together with another former ftm, and their name didn't give any hits on Google either.
Anyway, I haven't been able to eat dinner yet so I'll walk to the grocery with my dog, eat, and then see if I'm OK to go to the gym. If I go tomorrow, I'll still fit three workouts to this week. And considering I had a week off before my last workout, it's not out of the realm of possibility that my exhaustion is physical and not mental/attitude related, especially as I have had two sleepless nights in a row.
Btw, I made the macramee thingy I was talking about earlier, now I just have to figure out where to hang it from for fitting and permanent placement!
Anyway, I haven't been able to eat dinner yet so I'll walk to the grocery with my dog, eat, and then see if I'm OK to go to the gym. If I go tomorrow, I'll still fit three workouts to this week. And considering I had a week off before my last workout, it's not out of the realm of possibility that my exhaustion is physical and not mental/attitude related, especially as I have had two sleepless nights in a row.
Btw, I made the macramee thingy I was talking about earlier, now I just have to figure out where to hang it from for fitting and permanent placement!
Floater
Well-known member
OK let's see if I get this right (as thumbnail).
The broken lady bust flowerpot project turned out looking completely demented, which is fine by me, but she also happens to LEAK. In other words, she'll have to remain on the balcony scaring my neighbors, and I'll have to salvage the plant into another, waterproof pot before the weather gets too cold for in the fall. I'll hang her a bit higher up, but well, there she now is in all her atrocity
Floater
Well-known member
I LOL´d
Another bad joke: I'll probably have to tone down my taste in creepy decor a bit with once I start to pass as a man to avoid giving off serial killer vibes
A quick poll: should I call her
A) Medusa
or
B) Mary Queen of Scots?
Floater
Well-known member
Dinner: pasta salad with chickpeas, chopped celery and shredded ham. (The grocery didn't have clean eggs, I just can't bring myself to eat eggs that have poopy shells, so I got ham instead.) It was simple but good, my total food intake today has been pretty low so I'll have to eat something else before bed, but I liked it. I decided not to go to the gym today; I'll just enjoy a longer walk with the dog before bedtime, and hit the gym tomorrow instead.
I found a really good video about growing up in a family where there are narcissistic/abusive dynamics present. I know intimately how trauma affects eating habits and substance use, not that it's a predetermined battle but it complicates things for sure. Maybe someone else will enjoy this, too. Dr Ramani has plenty of content about the topic, this felt very relevant for me today.
I found a really good video about growing up in a family where there are narcissistic/abusive dynamics present. I know intimately how trauma affects eating habits and substance use, not that it's a predetermined battle but it complicates things for sure. Maybe someone else will enjoy this, too. Dr Ramani has plenty of content about the topic, this felt very relevant for me today.
Medusa! In the Metamorphosis version of the Medusa she starts out as a beautiful young virgin priestess who gets raped by Poseidon, then Athena (I think) punishes her for losing her virginity by turning her into Medusa as we know her and thus cutting her off from all her loved ones.
Floater
Well-known member
And she was also the protector of women and prostitutes in Hellenistic folk religion if memory serves? The green plants do look like snakes, so I'll go with Medusa.
I got a text message and my first appointment to the trans clinic is on 31.8. via phone! I'm so thrilled. Didn't expect it to be so soon! Of course this is just a preliminary interview and they'll see me in person over the next months to years, and there's still a chance that they'll want to put the process on hold because I was hospitalized a year ago, but the best I can do now is to take good care of myself and keep a hopeful and positive attitude.
I woke up early to walk the dog and went back to sleep and woke up feeling really happy and content. I think I'll have tuna pasta with kidney beans for breakfast, then shower, walk the dog, pick up another sports leggings package for fitting, and just chill out until evening and gym time. Sure, sleeping until 3PM is a bit embarassing for an adult, but I feel replenished after two nights of bad sleep and I feel really excited about going to the gym now that my boy license is one step closer <3
Floater
Well-known member
I'm really excited. Tomorrow I'll go to the pharmacy for my meds, pay my bills and rent, have an online meeting with my priest and tell her the good news, and after that I think I'll get myself a small bottle of vodka and sparkling water to make celebratory drinks in the evening.
Tuna pasta with beans, peas, and edamame turned out ok, not the pinnacle of gourmet but good and reasonably healthy fuel. I'll have another cup of coffee and then get busy with my day!
Tuna pasta with beans, peas, and edamame turned out ok, not the pinnacle of gourmet but good and reasonably healthy fuel. I'll have another cup of coffee and then get busy with my day!
Congratulations, that's great!Isn't there a case to be made that you wouldn't have broken down so hard if the dysphoria hadn't been at play as well?
Floater
Well-known member
Isn't there a case to be made that you wouldn't have broken down so hard if the dysphoria hadn't been at play as well?
There is! And I'll milk it for all it's worth. But I also try to develop a zen mindset about this - if I get put on hold for 6 months to a year, it's much better for my case to be able to take it with dignity and focus on self-improvement during the waiting period, because that's the best way of showing them I'm ready. The more I talk to other trans guys and professionals who work with trans people, what keeps popping up is that patience and not reacting emotionally to minor or major setbacks is worth it's weight in gold in getting forward in the process. They don't expect people to be in perfect mental health, understandably, as dysphoria is very detrimental to mental health, but showing the willingness to co-operate and having resilience is helpful. (I do feel a bit annoyed about it to be honest, because it just goes to prove how absolute the power of the state is over my body if this makes any sense, but long term happiness > temporary discomfort.)
Quoted for truth. The system sucks but knowing how it works is power.
Floater
Well-known member
Snack: soy protein sludge (turned out too thick to be called a shake), frozen peas, a tomato.
After I've eaten these, I'll make myself a cup of sugared coffee, wait for a while so my bladder doesn't explode on my way to the gym, and then go. Lots of fluids is a necessity in this weather, but it's also a delicate balance...
The weather is lovely, a bit too warm to my tastes but at least there's a breeze! I've done chores, got the leggings package from the post, have my bills sorted out and waiting to be paid tomorrow, and feeling happy and accomplished in general.
After I've eaten these, I'll make myself a cup of sugared coffee, wait for a while so my bladder doesn't explode on my way to the gym, and then go. Lots of fluids is a necessity in this weather, but it's also a delicate balance...
The weather is lovely, a bit too warm to my tastes but at least there's a breeze! I've done chores, got the leggings package from the post, have my bills sorted out and waiting to be paid tomorrow, and feeling happy and accomplished in general.