Floater's diary

You express yourself so well. It sounds to me like you know exactly who and what you are both mentally and physically and that you have a clear and realistic picture of your possible future. That must be a big plus on any future doctor´s checklist.
 
LaMaria said:
You express yourself so well. It sounds to me like you know exactly who and what you are both mentally and physically and that you have a clear and realistic picture of your possible future. That must be a big plus on any future doctor´s checklist.
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I teared up a bit. Thank you.
 
:iagree: with LaMa. I admire you for knowing what you want for your body & I am glad that you are comfortable to share that with us. We are lucky.
 
Cate said:
:iagree: with LaMa. I admire you for knowing what you want for your body & I am glad that you are comfortable to share that with us. We are lucky.
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Don't make me cry, Cate! I'm the lucky one for getting all this support and acceptance <3

I did't draw last night. I wished I did, but I had a block. It's an intense feeling trying to put my ideal body onto paper; in words it's easier. They have more leeway. I can write down my wishes while also recognizing that some things may end up being not to my liking. With drawings the negative aspects seem to be enhanced, the focus is literally on the looks.

Breakfast: a caesar salad. I might go to the supermarket later, they have plants that looked cute.
 
I had another caesar salad for dinner, and have frozen rye bread melting on the countertop to be eaten with cheese later. I also had three beers that were left over in the fridge. Not ideal, but I also recognize that I've been getting such big news lately it would be odd to never go back to bad habits...! Tomorrow is a new day, and today wasn't bad either. I feel good about myself, my body, my future. Tomorrow my psychiatrist is going to call me, so I need to be well rested.
 
I'm really nervous about the psychiatrist calling, haven't been able to eat anything but a handful of salted peanuts. I have some Viennetta ice cream cake in the freezer... Maybe I could try that?
 
The phone call went well! I'm being discharged from the psychiatry outpatient center. The psychiatrist was very nice, too.
 
Congratulations, that's great to hear!
Viennetta is the end of me: it's the hardest thing to stop eating once I start :eek:
 
Breakfast today was 200g of Turkish yogurt, lunch is going to be two tomatoes, two slices of rye bread, and a tub of guac. The weather totally kills my appetite. I also have incredible stress about money but that's pretty part and parcel of my everyday experience.

I'll have to make something out of the tomatoes ASAP, some of the, are on the verge of going bad, an wasting food is not an option right now.
 
LaMaria said:
Tomato sauce is always useful. Or gazpacho?
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I think I could use up the tomatoes in a soup with the fatty ham and beans + corn.

Today has been hard. I had to call a helpline. I feel scared about the future and dying alone and poor and I'm ashamed that I'm too sick to work.

It took me an hour to eat the tomatoes, guac and bread. Had to walk around the place to distract myself. One of these days again.
 
I returned the "utility skirt", not very useful when the wrap part flashed my junk. It was also way shorter than I thought and didn't allow free movement. :( But that's money saved I guess, and I picked up another pack of pants so maybe that'll serve me better?

On my way to the post I also got myself window washing detergent so I can start my window washing project when the timing feels right. I also got fresh onion, a tetra of lentils, yellow curry paste, and coconut to be used in my race against the spoiling tomatoes :D
 
Floater said:
I feel scared about the future and dying alone and poor and I'm ashamed that I'm too sick to work.
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I know the first half - plenty of people do these days - but would you feel the same about the second half if you had a physical disability? You put so much energy into being as independent as you can be right now and you're doing great at it! Compare your current situation to how you were doing a year ago, not to how someone else is doing. You're allowed to have a bit of downtime sometimes, too, that's normal and healthy and not a sign you're lazy and should be working 24/7.
 
LaMaria said:
I know the first half - plenty of people do these days - but would you feel the same about the second half if you had a physical disability? You put so much energy into being as independent as you can be right now and you're doing great at it! Compare your current situation to how you were doing a year ago, not to how someone else is doing. You're allowed to have a bit of downtime sometimes, too, that's normal and healthy and not a sign you're lazy and should be working 24/7.
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:grouphug: thank you, I needed to hear this.

The tomato thing turned out amazing. I sauteed onions cut into thin strips and slightly salted to draw out moisture in sesame oil. Once the onions were starting to turn golden brow, I added chopped celery and carrot, then turned the heat up high, added cubed fatty smoked ham, stirred it in, added a heaping teaspoon of yellow curry paste, a dash of mushroom soy sauce and a splash of water to let the spices coat all ingredients evenly. After this I added in the rinsed tetrapak lentils (kinder on my tummy that home made ones), four roughly chopped tomatoes, soem concentrated tomato paste, and water to make the consistency easy to stir but no too watery. I'd say stew rather than soup.

I let it boil high for a couple of minutes, realized I'm out of garbage bags, took it off the stove while keeping the lid on and ran to the grocery to get garbage bags and two beers because I just felt like that. At home I brought it to a boil again, added 200g of frozen corn for some carbs, a nice color, and an added sweetness, and oh my god it tastes great.

Every time I manage to cook a meal for myself from scratch - or, in this case, four meals - it just makes me feel like at least I'm somewhat in control of my life. And this turned out good enough I could offer it to guests coming over.
 
That sounds delicious. I know that feeling of competence when something I cook turns out well and it's the best!
 
LaMaria said:
That sounds delicious. I know that feeling of competence when something I cook turns out well and it's the best!
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I really pride myself in my cooking. That's why it sucks so hard when I just can't. But the trend seems to be that I'm more and more able to cook for myself... Oh to have someone in my life to cook for in the future. I love doing that. It's one of my love languages.

Then again, I think I should stick to singledom and celibacy until the treatments are well underway. And I say this very matter-of-factly. It just seems like a good idea to me; I didn't get to experience sexual and bodily autonomy during my initial formative and teenage years, so my testosterone puberty should be sanctified to growing into who I'll be in peace, without outside meddling. :D :D
 
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