Floater's diary

Cate said:
Oh, it does sound like you were absolutely knackered! Your body must have really needed that rest.
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The crazy thing is that I'm still completely exhausted today. I have assistance coming over at 10.30, the mole check thing at 14, and my friend is coming over at 18. I have absolutely no motivation for any of these things. I might have caught something...
 
Ok, huh, the mole check time had been moved to next week. That's good.
 
Sometimes you have to get lucky. Emotionally draining things can really kill your physical energy as well so don´t feel bad about it.
 
My friend is coming over soon and promised to get me a poke bowl with salmon on her way. I've eated tomatoes, 150g of Turkish yogurt, fours slices of rye bread and an ice cream today. I have stomach pain under my navel, kind of as if there was a long needle protruding from inside out. I'll go see a doctor about that in August and was told that if I get worse before that, I should call again. I tend to brush off pain as anxiety symptoms, but I'm really scared about cancer.
 
I thought I was an expert on different abdominal pains but I haven't had that one yet. You'd be very young for cancer of the small intestine though, right?
 
LaMaria said:
I thought I was an expert on different abdominal pains but I haven't had that one yet. You'd be very young for cancer of the small intestine though, right?
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This is true.

I asked around in an Ehlers Danlos support group and apparently strange abdominal pains can be caused by the tissues starting to cramp when strained; and I have been very physically active recently so maybe it's from that. I also have an IUD and the placement of the pain could be related to uterine cramps/ pressure against the device?

My friend and I took two nice long walks with the dog, and watched "Midsommar". The poke bowl was pretty good. Gym day tomorrow.

Oh and my temporary pension application was approved of until 31.7.2021! Yay!
 
Glad you had a nice day with your friend. I hope the pain goes away. I used to get lots of cramps but take magnesium these days so don't very often any more. The IUD suggestion sounds like a possibility.
 
I used to feel my iud cramps further down on my abdomen but we're all different. Random cramping after strain sounds unpleasant but very possible.
Floater said:
Oh and my temporary pension application was approved of until 31.7.2021! Yay!
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Does that mean it's been approved to last for 6 weeks?
 
Breakfast: pasta with tomato concentrate and guac, bean and edamame mix, and cheese. I have one portion of the same stuff left in the fridge, and also bean and edamame mix prepped for other dishes.
 
Late lunch: leftover cold pasta, guac, beans and cheese, 200g of Turkish yogurt, two tomatoes.

Interesting thing to notice: Lately I've been maxing out my ADHD meds on most days. (It definitely helps me to go to the gym and stay a bit more active in general, instead of getting lost inside my head and eating/drinking on impulse.) On those days my appetite it much poorer and I need more time to finish my food, which can sometimes pose challenges, but counter intuitively it often feels easier to get down simple foods, like beans and oatmeal, instead of complex, fatty, or rich-tasting foods. Eating fiber rich foods also helps with the side effects (GI issues, heartburn etc). I placed my grocery delivery order for the next month, and other than Turkish yogurt, it was all plant based.
 
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I just deleted the restaurant delivery app from my phone. I haven't been using it that much lately anyway, so it's not really about the high energy foods, but more about the money. My dog will need to have two teeth extracted in December/January, which will cost 800+ euros, so I need to start saving right now to be able to afford it. Besides, I'm in a good enough head space to be able to keep myself fed without having to rely on delivery (versus when I was fresh out of the hospital last autumn and barely able to keep myself showered and in fresh clothes, which is when I ordered in food quite often).

About to have a cup of coffee now and then walk to the pharmacy to get a refill of my meds!
 
Snack: two-egg omelette with cheese, frozen peas, a protein shake. It's cool enough soon to walk the dog and then start getting ready for gym
 
Floater said:
I'm in a good enough head space to be able to keep myself fed without having to rely on delivery
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That's great to hear. Self-care is so important and so easy to lose track off (sigh).
Interesting that your meds influence what kind of food you're able to eat. I wonder what that means about hormones/brains/appetite in general.
 
LaMaria said:
Interesting that your meds influence what kind of food you're able to eat. I wonder what that means about hormones/brains/appetite in general.
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Methylphenidate is a stimulant, which in general have appetite suppressing effects. ADHDers have lower levels of dopamine, and stimulants increase the dopamine levels. So I think one possible reason for me having simpler taste while medicated is because I don't need the "extra kick" from foods that cause dopamine peaks due to evolutionary drive to eat calorie rich foods? Same as when I'm medicated, I don't have much interest in alcohol. (Also, alcohol and ADHD meds should never be mixed, you have to wait for the meds to be metabolized before drinking!)

I just got home from the gym. Had a banana and a protein shake on my walk back home, and am now having cold oatmeal with agave syrup, cinnamon, peanut butter, soy protein, and soy yogurt before bed. I'll probably have a tomato or two as well. Looking HUGE and feeling swollen because of the beans I had earlier, but whatever.
 
I'm glad your temporary pension application was extended to 2022. It is so good to hear that you are so much better able to look after yourself & eat well.
 
I had a bowl of rice, beans, peas, tuna and cheese - I haven't been able to sleep and was worrying a lot about stuff I can't really do anything about right now, and realized that I haven't probably eaten enough yesterday. It was definitely the right decision, I feel much better.

I don't think I want to move to the assisted living thing. Rent there is as high as here, but I'd have much less autonomy; the closest gym would be 10 km away and I couldn't get anywhere on foot, I'd always have to take the bus. Also the coaches/assistants would be around all the time, even the transphobic ones, and the ones who think I'm incapable of higher cognitive function. So I'm starting to think that maybe that would be worse for my mental health than staying here and trying to figure out how to enhance my financial situation within the limits of my disability.

Last summer when I was having the breakdown and had just broken up, I was very motivated to move. I took a lot of my old stuff to recycling and packed my old art and diaries and books in cardboard boxes in the cold storage. (Sadly, I threw out some important stuff too; like my old digital camera that had pictures of me in my early 20s. But I was so dysphoric I just needed them gone.) But then bureucracy got in the way and me moving there was postponed. I've been waiting for the move for over six months now and I really don't think I want to go. Maybe I should start hauling my shit back into the apartment and make an inventory of what I actually threw out and what I might still have that I thought I got rid of?
 
FUCK. I was laying on the bed on my stomach and stretched to adjust the curtains, and ripped yet another stria into my stomach. It feels so nasty when the skin just... splits... from relatively light pressure or strain. I have new ones forming around my biceps from working out, too. I try not to think about it.
 
Breakfast: a couple of spoonfuls of tuna, beans and rice. 2dl of soy yogurt with soy protein, agave syrup, cinnamon and smoked salt.
 
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