Floater's diary

It took me an hour to eat the dinner. But I already mixed a batter for a chickpea pancake and some tuna and celery in lime juice to eat before bed. I'll decide whether to go to the gym or not after I've drank a cup of tea and walked my dog. I already had coffee, but I just feel so, so tired. I think that the emotions of having to see my dad tomorrow (he pays for my dog's dental appointment) are weighing down on me and it's hard to decide whether working out is too much for me right now, or just the thing to do to get some anger out.

EDIT: it just occurred to me that part of my anxiety was because the gym I've used lately has a broken electric lock, and sometimes the gym clerks have to manually let people in, so I was anxious about walking all the way in vain. But they also have another gym (it's a big chain) just 5 minutes from the one I normally use, and it has working locks.
 
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Sorry to hear you´re so anxious today :grouphug: Best of luck for tomorrow.
 
LaMaria said:
Sorry to hear you´re so anxious today :grouphug: Best of luck for tomorrow.
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Thank you!

Good news: I managed to talk myself into going. I had to use a little bit of self-shaming which I'm not sure is the best option, but basically I thought about how embarassing it would be to go to therapy next month and confess that I've been a house bound f*t porker once again, instead of working towards my transition goals. That put a fire under my ass, and I managed to go.

And guess what? I met the "magical grandma" on my way there once again :D :D She seems to appear whenever I need some encouragement like some mystical being. We pretty much had the same discussion as last time, but she remembered me, and it was just sweet and brightened my day so much!

Also, the main entrance to my usual gym was closed but I found another entrance that's in use at night. I think I'm going to start going to the gym at night a lot more. There were surprisingly many people there but nothing compared to the daytime buzz. I got a decent workout in and could, for once, freely pick and choose what I wanted to do because the gym wasn't packed to the gills.

It felt a bit odd going in there and looking a a group of young men who were there working out together. The thought crossed my mind that once my transition starts in the medical sense, I may not feel as safe in unsupervised places like the gym at night; there are cameras of course, but that's not much of a consolation if your skull is caved in with a dumbbell by some guy who feels threatened by your existence. This somber moment was cut short when I asked a guy who had left his water bottle on the bench press bench whether he's using it, and he quickly removed it, looking like his eyes are going to fall out of his head. I immediately realized that my workout top was see-through and my gym bra was very skimpy in proportion of what it had to keep in place. Absurd. :D :D :D

I had a decent workout, got a banana, a rye crust pastry with rice and egg filling, and six Babybel cheeses from the 24/7 hypermarket on my way home, and ate them while walking home. I'm now having a cup of tea, and already mixed myself a protein shake which I'll have before walking the dog and going to bed. My anxiety is greatly alleviated so maybe that will also serve as motivation for later.
 
Good for you pushing yourself out there to the gym. Good luck for tomorrow with everything including your Dad. We’re with you sending you strength :grouphug:
 
Exercise is great against anxiety, for me. (Meaning I really should get up and go to the gym instead of staying in bed...) Nice that your fairy godmother appeared to cheer you up!
 
Breakfast: two slices of rye bread with marg, smoked salt and vegan patee, a spoonful of pumpkin seeds, a spoonful of sunflower seeds.
 
Just woke up from a nap. Lifting always makes me want to nap the next day. I should have lunch, then play with my dog and brush her to make sure she's as stress free as possible going to her appointment. I don't really have an appetite but I'll see what I can do to get some fuel in.
 
My chickpea omelette turned into a mushy mess, so guac with pumpkin seeds and frozen peas it is. I have tuna celery "salad" in the fridge but the weather is too hot for me to eat something that rich tasting for now.
 
Everything went about as well as it could. My dad showed up to pay, my dog was very brave, she will have to have two teeth extracted in about six months from now but the vet tech consoled me that it's not that much of a loss really, and I can figure out how to scrape the money together. While she was being operated on and waking up, me and my ex had to kill 1,5 hours so we walked around the neighborhood and had butter chicken at a nepalese place.

The nepalese place was just a stone's throw away from where I use to live from 19-21 when I was in a relationship with a 30-year old lesbian with incredible bad mental health issues. Obviously, I was really fucked up as well, still recovering from stuff that had happened in my childhood home and during the period when I tried to escape that suffocating vacuum by starting a relationship with a guy I knew from high school, which backfired immensely. I kind of feared that seeing those old places might make me anxious, but I just thought to myself that I was a different person then and if any of the people from my old life met me now, they wouldn't even recognize me. It was a very soothing thought.

Oh - before the operation, when one of the assistants came over and rang the doorbell, my dog knocked down a flower vase that was sitting on the bedside table because she was so anxious to get to the door. It was made of some kind of polymer clay, shaped like a girl's bust with her eyes closed, so that the plants fall around her face like hair. The thing broke from the neck down - the plant is still alive, but I doubt the bust can be glued back together because it's shallow on the inside. I think I'll turn it into a hanging vase with a simple macrame thingy and hang it in my window. It's going to look pretty macabre like that, but hey, that's my jam. (I have some red polyester snare lying around, probably not enough for a whole macrame, but it costs 4 euros for 100 meters at a crafts store, so it's just a matter of finding the inspiration to go get some lol)
 
Oh, I was too distracted to mention it while writing the previous post, but my ex drove me by the supermarket on the way home so I could get him a bottle of pop (it was a hot day) and I got more tomatoes, Turkish yogurt (finally!), and fizzy water for myself. As an afterthought, I grabbed a small bottle of vodka from the liquor store while walking back to the car, and oh boy I'm glad I did, because my dear dog just emptied her anal glands into her recovery blanket fort. (This happened the last time she was anesthetized, as well.) For those who have first hand experience with the scent know it's something else.

So I did what cleaning I could do without bothering her too much (she's still way too out of it to drink water or stand up etc, so I could only wipe her down and throw the worst of the soiled rags into a plastic bag), and then I ordered myself an over priced döner pita, which I'll eat on the balcony while keeping an eye on her. I need to stay up and alert to be able to supervise her breathing until she's back to normal, so, I'll pour myself a vodka soda and put the coffee pot on while I wait for the döner to arrive.

Gym day tomorrow, besides I'm responsible for my dog's safety, so I'll take it easy. It's been a long day.
 
YESSS my poor baby woke up when I was eating the doner, and starter begging. I obviously gave her scraps of meat and the filled her water bowl and gave her her evening meal, which she ate with gusto. <3
 
So glad to hear things went well! Hugs to the pupper and please post pics if you finish your hanging vase project because it sounds kind of awesome.
 
LaMaria said:
So glad to hear things went well! Hugs to the pupper and please post pics if you finish your hanging vase project because it sounds kind of awesome.
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I promise to post pics (remind me if I don't get around to it)! I'm really proud of my plants (and my strange taste in decor in general), so once I get the project rolling, I'd be happy to share it.

I just had 100g of Turkish yogurt after taking the pup for a walk (she came to me asking to be let out). I let her decide how long she wanted to walk, she only walked for a couple of minutes and didn't want to climb a slight uphill, so we turned back. On our way back, a guy who stepped out of the elevator when we were waiting for it, burst out in laughter when he saw her (not a mean one, more like a sympathetic one) because she still looks pretty stoned. And of course I look like the living embodiment of worry, so we make quite the pair! Once at home, I gave her the remaining 100g from the tub, which she managed to lick clean while standing on her own legs, so that's how I also know she's getting better by the minute. And it helps her stay hydrated, too.

I think I'll stay up for at least 3 hours or so, take her for a walk again, and give her a bit more yogurt. The anesthesia will make her constipated, so extra liquid is a plus.
 
What an eventful day, but a successful one overall by the sounds of it. I'm really glad your dog is ok.
 
I've slept almost the whole day, same goes for the pup. Yesterday was really emotionally draining. I've eaten 200g of Turkish yogurt and two slices of rye bread, and have four slices of rye bread tuna melts in the oven. I think I'll take out my recyclables later and get a beer, I feel absolutely extinguished. I'll skip gym today and go tomorrow instead - I'll be close to the gym anyway because I have a mole check at 2PM.

Oh and I need to buy margarine and oil.
 
Oh, it does sound like you were absolutely knackered! Your body must have really needed that rest.
 
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