Floater's diary

Floater said:
So I think it's important for me to allow myself time to be sad and have conflicting emotions. _I still made it to the gym._ It's impressive and I should be proud of that effort.
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Quoted for truth.
About the swimming gear: would you feel better in a rashguard and board shorts, maybe? I know it's probably not an option on such short notice but maybe for the future.
 
LaMaria said:
Quoted for truth.
About the swimming gear: would you feel better in a rashguard and board shorts, maybe? I know it's probably not an option on such short notice but maybe for the future.
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I've been pondering about this, and yeah board shorts would probably help a lot already - when it comes to upper body apparel I think it's something I just have to grin and bear it through as I have massive milkers and can't physically wear binders - but having half of my body look and feel bearable is actually a very relieving thought. Board shorts are not allowed in Finnish pools (as they can be worn as part of outer wear and spread germs or something) but lake sites allow them!

Also, I think it's amazing that you said this out loud. Because I often struggle with allowing myself to buy male coded clothing because it feels like it goes "to waste" on my body (I know, it's silly). So sometimes hearing it from someone else really helps me feel like I deserve it <3
 
I just ordered a pair of swimming trunks online. They won't be here until next week, and the only pair in my size had a Rick & Morty print on them, but in a way I think it might make me feel better in the long run (I do like the show although I hate the fandom). My current bikini top is an insane contraption that makes a pentagram shape with the straps, so maybe going to the beach as a complete goth clown will distract me from the body underneath all the clownery lol
 
I had a late night meal of 3-egg omelette, green peppers, spinach couscous and cheese. I also watched "Red Sparrow" and kept wondering how exploitative a mainstream movie can really get. I liked the production value and the acting, but it really lacked any deeper meaning and left me sad and disturbed
 
I canceled the trip on my behalf. I just can't stand the idea of meeting new people and getting gendered as a woman. Dark thoughts today.
 
Cate said:
:grouphug:
I really struggle with meeting new people, especially in a group situation, let alone in bathers!
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:grouphug: group situations really wear me out, too. Luckily, I had assistance come over and managed to clean up and such, so at least I have clean sheets and a nicer looking home going for me.
 
I struggle with group activities as well, especially with strangers. Good to hear you had support and a productive day though.
 
I'm making cheese croissants (from canned pastry) and have a salad in the fridge. Today's been very hard. But the day is almost over
 
LaMaria said:
Cheese croissants sound like they could make the worst days a little better. I hope they did.
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They did. So did a marathon phone call with my godmother (who's my age, I met her during my Theology studies, but she was one of my godparents in my adult baptism in 2020 :3 ). I feel more at peace now and I think I'll even sleep tonight...?
 
Cate said:
I hope so. I love hearing about your support system.
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I'm blessed to have amazing people in my life. I do my best to support them back.

I just had a salad and took my dog for a walk. It's a gorgeous, cool summer night. I couldn't walk for long, my legs feel like paper mache. That's probably a sign to rest and regroup. This time of year it never gets dark really, the sky has a salmon stripe in the horizon and a green to dark blue gradient towards the zenith, most stars only show dimly or not at all. It's pretty, but also urges on the feeling that rest should not be wasted on a time of year when everything seems turned up to eleven!
 
Sounds like a surrealistic painting! I often have trouble sleeping enough in the summertime because sleeping while it's day outside feels like a waste but at least our sun stays down until 5 am or so.
 
Breakfast: a deli meat and marinated eggplant baguette from a cafe (I splurged a bit)

Lunch: tuna sauce and rice, sweetened oatmeal with soy protein and sugar as dessert.

Gym day today. I had a new assistant come over, I didn't like her style, she was a bit condescending in my opinion. Not in a purposefully mean way, but sometimes even professionals speak down to disabled folks because they think we need it. It's hard to explain because it's so innocent and well meaning but it's frustrating to experience firsthand...
 
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