That's lovely to hear!
Ok, now you're just making me tear up: that's so wonderful.
You have no idea how much it meant for me when you referred to me as a "capable dude" and other such male/masc affirmations during my rough points. It's the little things that keep us going, isn't it? No matter what the motivation for change is, that motivation has to be respected and given affirmation to. I think your physio patients/clients are probably the luckiest folks on the Alps for having you!
Content warning: incoherent ramble, teenage sexuality memoires, transness, gay stuff, cringe
I've been having a little "blast from the past" evening when it comes to music. I was a metalhead teen, although I never got to dress the part because my teenage violinist career demanded a very certain hyper-feminine look... So I was like a matryoshka doll of a person; girl-looking, sleek blond hair, thin frame, went to school in pastels my mom chose for me, performed on stage in evening dresses, but lived my actual life in sweatpants roaming the woods or going to boxing practice or gym at the peril of "damaging my violinist hands". If I only had known that the joint pains I suffer from are not something I caused, and that in fact, my refusal to play the part of a meek classical music girl 24/7 is probably what halted the total ruin of my finger joints.... Ehlers-Danlos gives you uncanny reach, but at the cost of functionality later in life.
Basically, I knew around 16 or 17 that I would not be able to make it as a professional violinist. (As a career, it's about as reliable as becoming a pop star or a milionaire vlogger.) My parents pressed me, so throughout high school I pretended to still be on that route to please them. But in the meanwhile, I was trying to deal with my gender identity and sexuality as well, and it was like juggling ten plates at once. I remember one specific party while I was in high school, it was on Finnish Independence day. Now, remember, I'm autistic, although at this point I didn't have the diagnosis. I had prepared myself with a toothbrush, noodles, and pain killers to avoid a horrid and smelly hangover. Instead of my neatly planned evening, I ended up having embarassing drunk sex with a random guy in the bathroom while everyone else was asleep. Luckily, no one noticed it until morning, when my knickers were lying next to the bathroom door. I remember the others laughing at the fact and just... Feeling nothing. Because I thought to myself, well yes, this is embarassing, but it takes two to tango doesn't it? If I were a gay guy, the shame would be dealt out equally; if I was a hetero guy hooking up with a girl, I would be applauded for "getting some". And to me, all these outcomes felt yucky, because they are all kinda yucky.
Now that I'm a grown person, I do think it's sensible to weight the pros and cons before getting intimate with someone. But teenagers are horny and stupid. They should not be shamed for not knowing better. And after that incident, the idea that had I done it as a man, no one would have batted an eye, it just... Persisted. Trust me; I don't long for the days when homosexuality was criminalized, and gays could only hook up in parks and public toilets; that's where the stereotype stems from. But it's odd to find oneself buying into such oppressive ideals.
The day after the party I thought I would be struck down by god, or just drop dead by some mutant STD. I took the bus home, and on my way I listened to "Only For The Weak" by In Flames. I had bought the album it was on just days prior, and I hated the album for almost a decade due to the negative association. Today I've been giving it a re-listen, and it's so funny and strange to realize that hey, the shame I felt was way out of proportion, that I did my best, and that teens are allowed to make mistakes. (I also got tested, just in case, and luckily, I didn't contract anything.) Anyway, it was kind of a wild situation wanting to be a gay while presenting as a woman.
The lyrics put it perfectly:
"I can't tolerate your sadness
'cause it's me you're drowning
I won't allow any happiness
'cause every time you laugh,
I feel so guilty
---
---
I've lost the ability to paint the clouds
'cause it's me you're draining
I'm stuck in this slow-motion dark day
'cause every time you run
I fall behind"
It's literally how I felt about maintaining my woman persona. A guilt, a sense of obligation. Oh well, I'm glad I'm wiser now.
PS: a link to the song, in decent quality, might be helpful:
Do I want to know what kind of party that is?