Floater's diary

LaMaria said:
I have no penis-envy whatsoever but I absolutely do have no-boob envy :D
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Yup I feel you about that, I'm not going to get bottom surgery (though I do want to get my ovaries and uterus out), because frankly I can't think of a scenario where I'd feel better about my body by having a penis constructed.

I've had a caesar salad and two chicken legs without skin, as well as tomatoes and some cheese. Also a moderate amount of vodka. Staring to feel a bit drowsy, so I'll walk the dog and go to sleep. Really looking forward to gym tomorrow!
 
I can't imagine having penis envy. I just typed that & thought how funny it looked, but I'll leave it there. Having my uterus removed was a wonderful thing though.
Hope you sleep well, Floater & have a great time at the gym. It's funny for me to say that as I have only ever been to a gym once a long, long time ago...
 
Thanks @Cate !

I actually slept badly. Stressing out about money, and had some nightmares too (just as I've been bragging about not having them). Maybe alcohol had a part in that. I just took my dog for her morning walk and will try to nap a bit. Luckily I'm not hungover so gym will happen in the evening. Gotta pay a few bills today... Sigh
 
I had nightmares after drinking on Saturday night. For me it's often related to dehydration. Bills are never fun so best to get it over with (says the master procrastinator...).
 
I'm actually on the verge of a panic attack with loads of intrusive thoughts. Luckily, assistance comes over in the afternoon. I'll pay the bills while she's here. I managed to sleep a bit more, but this might turn into a bad mental health day, so gym might have to wait until tomorrow.

Or it could be that I'll be fine after a few hours but we'll see.
 
LaMaria said:
Good thing today´s an assistance day :grouphug: I hope the anxiety passes soon.
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So do I. I feel like umping out of my skin with all the flashbacks. At least I managed to make a big batch of spinach couscous, and am having my first meal of the day now, I mixed some tuna and lime in it.
 
I walked to the supermarket to get some discount grilled chicken breast and spicy ramen as well as antihistamines for my itchy skin. I get rashes from sweating no matter how religiously I shower, and currently I'm also covered in mosquito bites and have scratched myself bloody in several places. I'm waiting for a trans advocacy helpline to open in 10 minutes, and after that I'll have couscous tomato salad with shredded chicken breast, maybe mix in some olives or celery, just something easy and quick to carry me through the rest of the day. If I'm too sick/exhausted to do that, I have the noodles as an emergency backup.

I also paid my bills, sent a disability form, did laundry, and did the dishes. So all things considered, me being as effed up mentally as I am today, things could be much worse.
 
Sounds like a pretty efficient day to me. Sucks about the rash though. I don't know how long you've had the problem but speaking from a lifetime of eczema (15 years of that time really bad) things that helped at least somewhat are:
- lukewarm or cold showers, never hot
- if you shower more than once a day only use soap every other day or less
- no scrubbing
- dab yourself dry, don't rub
- drink a shit ton of water
- eat as much raw leafy green veg as you can deal with/afford
- try to wear plant fibers as much as possible
- try to sit/lie in positions that don't put your skin in contact with non-breathing surfaces (including other pieces of skin) without at least a layer of skin-friendly fabric for isolation
- if you have an environmentally friendly washing machine make sure you don't use too much detergent and maybe set it to rinse extra
- try all the drugs your doctor offers you (only your doctor!)
- try to keep your daily schedule as regular as you can, especially where sleep is concerned
- little to no alcohol and aged cheese

I'm sure you know most of these and some of the others won't work for you but if only one is new and helps a bit that's still a win.
 
Thanks for the list! I honestly think that my rashes are mostly stress related. While I get a rash year round from sweating unless I shower and moisturize, there are periods when the issue is nonexistent, and periods when it's a super annoying issue. It's pollen season now, and mosquitos have just activate again, and this is a typical combo to make me itchy from head to toe. As summer progresses, my body seems to get accustomed to mosquito bites and they eventually just leave tiny marks but no itching. As I have no allergies, it's probably down to mast cell activation issues often present in Ehlers Danlos. :)

I have mixed the salad, but haven't been able to eat yet. At least I have food waiting for me when hunger hits.
 
Oh, and yes the antihistamines are prescribed by a doctor and are actually meant to treat sleeplessness and anxiety, as they have a tiring effect. I alternate between antihistamines, sedatives, and sleeping pills to avoid developing tolerance to any of these groups of meds. With antihistamines, it's an added bonus that they help with the itch lol
 
Thank you for responding so graciously even though I went in without asking if you wanted to hear my ideas. I hated it so much when people did that and here I am, only 16 months out, doing the exact same thing :leaving:
 
LaMaria said:
Thank you for responding so graciously even though I went in without asking if you wanted to hear my ideas. I hated it so much when people did that and here I am, only 16 months out, doing the exact same thing :leaving:
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Haha no worries. No one can know exactly what I already know and what I don't, and similarly, sometimes docs can't take everything into consideration. I can't see anything offending in someone dealing out very good basic info! Everyone is different of course, but to me, forums are also about the people who just read so no discussion ever goes to waste.

Having a batch of hot couscous, pea, tomato, and chicken salad with cheese "salad" in the oven. I tried to eat the stuff cold, but my taste buds protested. I think it's probably a side effect of the antihistamines drying my mouth, so cold stuff just tastes like cardboard. :)
 
I had t choke the couscous et al thing down, feeling a bit nauseous, but it was definitely needed
 
Managed to eat maybe 3 dl of cherries, they tasted good even. So veg/fruit goal should be met
 
I like that you are looking after yourself even on days where you are particularly anxious. No one can look after you as well as you. Mmm cherries. It's the off season here. They are my favourite fruit.
 
Breakfast: one slice of rye bread with vegan patee. Lunch: spinach couscous, lime juice and shredded chicken breast.

I'll leave for the gym in an hour once the UV levels have dropped below the safety limit.
 
Made it to the gym. I had a protein drink and a licorice bar during my walk there, because I was so hungry I had stomach cramps. I did a quick maintenance workout, not in the right mindset to attempt new personal records. I'm still glad I went. About to have a post workout chicken griller (a bit under 400kcal and 14g of protein!).
 
Snack: three slices of dried rye bread with marg, vegan patee, jalapeno sauce, and smoked salt. I should try to get some more veg and protein into my body before going to sleep, but I hit a physical and emotional slump after getting home. Besides, the protein drink I had before gym had 28g of protein and one gym day with a bit less protein than normal isn't going to matter in the big picture. I've been having such a hard time with memories about my parents being homophobic and transphobic towards me and in general. So I think it's important for me to allow myself time to be sad and have conflicting emotions. _I still made it to the gym._ It's impressive and I should be proud of that effort.

I think I'll mix myself a nice tall drink of vodka and mineral water (from the leftovers I got for the friend who never showed up on Sunday). Tomorrow I'm having a lakeside day trip with my church. I feel super nervous about going. I want to swim, but I don't know if I can stand being in public while dressed in women's swim gear. I still think that if there's any chance that I can go, I should go, because I've become quite isolated and I should expose myself to people whenever I can.
 
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