Floater's diary

Floater said:
It's hard to explain because it's so innocent and well meaning but it's frustrating to experience firsthand...
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Sounds a bit like how I felt when nurses talked to our elderly patients in talking-to-toddler tones. Some folks - especially those with advanced dementia, respond well to it but that's no reason to use it for everyone.
 
Snack: small salad, a tomato, two-egg cheese omelette
 
I don't want to go to the gym. I'll go anyway. Even if I only go in to do a couple of bicep curls and a bit of leg press, it's still a 6km walk. I can't let random people's behavior discourage me from going to the gym, and I can politely ask that the assistant from today won't come over again (we clients are encouraged to voice any discomfort). That's the best way to deal with this I think.
 
Made it to the gym and back. I was so anxious that I popped both of my wrists while moving around 25 kg discs. Luckily, doesn't seem to have led to any lasting damage - I was wearing my compression gloves - but it gave me a scare for a moment.
 
Shoot, forgot to write in my meals pre- and post workout. I had a 330cl can of sugared Coke before gym, four mini carelian pies and a 500 ml can of beer after gym on my way back home (I'm too anxious and tired to go into detail but it was related to the assistance visit today), and at home I've had 3 boiled eggs and a slice of rye bread with margarine and vegan "patee". I'll try to eat the remaining tuna and beans in tomato sauce before I go to bed, but it should still be edible tomorrow in case I'm too anxious to eat.

Oh, I haven't taken my multivitamin today, gotta do that right now
 
LaMaria said:
Ouch, that sounds so unpleasant! Definitely sounds like speaking up would be the way to go :grouphug:
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Thank you for the validation!

Luckily, this was just a "pop" and not a proper dislocation, didn't have to manipulate my wrists back into place. It does hurt while it happens, but what I call a "pop" is essentially just the joint/s partially dislocating during strain, but snapping back in spontaneously after the strain is eased. But it was definitely a good reminder for me that if I go and work out in a bad state of mind, I should make sure to not take any risks, because if I can't focus on what I'm doing, the risk of injury increases. I mean, one of the "joys" of Ehlers Danlos is that I have to constantly remind myself to not let my joints bend over due to the hypermobility, so starting to move around 25 kg discs instead of walking to the next stack and using 15 kg and 10 kg ones was just pure insanity on my part. I can lift the 25 kg ones on and off bars with relative ease if I'm all there, but... Today I wasn't.
 
Ouch! I just looked up Ehlers Danlos Syndrome as I hadn't heard of it before. Dislocation sounds like something you are well used to. I think not taking any risks while lifting weights sounds like a very good idea. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
 
Cate said:
Ouch! I just looked up Ehlers Danlos Syndrome as I hadn't heard of it before. Dislocation sounds like something you are well used to. I think not taking any risks while lifting weights sounds like a very good idea. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
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Thank you. The proving oneself part is kind of wrapped up in the pain of having a wrong body (here referring to my transness, but also having a weak body)... I always went way too far when I was younger. But I also don't want to sound hopeless, you know? As I still don't know what subtype of Ehlers Danlos I have (as that requires genetic testing which is not top of the public healthcare priorities), the fact that I'm mostly functional means I'm probably safe to build up the muscle to save my joints. I mean, the cardiovascular subtype is scary but it's very rare, too.

I actually logged in to talk about my issue with eating the perfectly good tuna, beans, and tomato thing in the fridge. It feels bad to eat it because I ate the same thing while the not-supportive assistant was over. Maybe eating it could help me overcome it? It's just food; with some great fiber and protein going on.

I'll try. It'll end in the trash if I can't eat it anyway, so I'd rather try.
 
I ATE THE TUNA THING! Didn't enjoy it much but I felt physically better after. It was also veg and fiber heavy, so that's a plus!
 
Therapy was great. We mainly focused on trans stuff obviously, but I felt really good and positive about everything in general. I walked back home again, this time I had equipped myself with a cap, sunscreen and sunglasses, and took an even longer route than last time because I wanted to revisit my favorite places from my "old life". I ended up walking a total of 4 hours and 20 minutes, stopped twice to buy a can of beer and a bottle of water, and once to have a Taco Bell nacho cheese griller (it's something like 450 kcal I think? but I was famished) and to have a bathroom break.

I also came out of the closet on my personal Facebook page while at my favorite scenic place, it's a tiny nature reserve close to a highway, it's called "Kalkkikallio" or "chalk cliff" andas I used to live a 30-min walk from it it was one of my favourite places to go walk my dog. Anyway, I just snapped a selfie at the top of the cliff and attached a short announcement that I'm in the process now and I'm trans, and it felt very right and fulfilling to do.

I'll sit down for a while and drink a lot of water, and then I'll take my dog out for a walk. I feel very accomplished that I'm able to do such long distance efforts, obviously some health nut would _run_ the distance in a fragment of the time, but I really enjoyed walking and taking in the scenery.
 
Congratulations on coming out on FB! Fingers crossed the response will be mostly positive. Your walk sounds glorious, by the way, and fueling it with a decent snack seems sensible.
 
That nature reserve looks lovely. I checked it out. Good for you coming out on FB. Our younger son has bipolar 2 & talks about it openly on FB. I think it's really important & helps people to understand it. I hope that the responses you get are as positive as the ones he gets. We should be able to be our own true selves & to be open and honest.
 
Cate said:
I hope that the responses you get are as positive as the ones he gets. We should be able to be our own true selves & to be open and honest.
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The responses were lovely and supportive, thank you @Cate. I was nevertheless in an emotional turmoil and had a moment of stupidity on Friday night and walked my dog while wearing flip flops and I managed to wear off a good chunk of skin on my left foot. As a result, it's sore as hell and very uncomfortable to walk on. Looks inflamed, but as the toe itself is cool to the touch, I think it will heal on it's own.

I ordered pizza the night between Fri-Sat, and spent most of the Saturday in bed, watching YouTube videos, eating cold pizza and drinking beer and thinking to myself that of boy, things are finally moving on. I had a pre-made meal of mashed potatoes and reindeer meat with peas, corn and mozzarella for dinner, and a chicken caesar salad before bedtime. The beer gave me very restless dreams, so I think I'll have no issue falling back in line today and doing a bit of damage control. (In one of the dreams I had already had top surgery, but realized while waking up form it that I had not prepared for the recovery in any way and lacked all the support pillows, someone to walk my dog, and the other thousand things you need to think about while not able to lift your arms above your shoulders and lift anything over 5kg for 5 weeks! I was still happy about the surgery in the dream, though, which is very telling. In another one I had reverted back in age and was a teenage boy hanging out with my friends at a mall and engaging in stereotypical teenage shenanigans, like sneaking beer to crafts class. I was actually opposed to that, but didn't want to be found out to be a 33-year old impostor living my second puberty, so I just went along.)

My dog's dentist appointment is tomorrow. I'm so nervous for her. She's very frisk for her age, but still, 11 is old for a GSD mix, and they'll have to put her under for the procedure. :( I think I'll prepare by cleaning up, and if I feel good enough with the toe situation and a slight hangover, I'll walk to the gym and do a light workout. Tomorrow I won't be able to anyway, because I'll have to monitor my dog while she's recovering from the anesthesia. But I'll see how the day unfolds.

Breakfast: oatmeal, tomato.
 
Dinner: white rice with lime juice, soy sauce and margarine for fats, two tomatoes, a protein shake. I know my meals for today have been insufficient, but for now I just feel so nauseous and tastes/textures feel so overwhelming that I had to throw out half of my spicy ramen earlier.
 
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