Floater's diary
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Floater
Well-known member
@LaMaria , I'm just really scared that I'll injure myself and be forced to take weeks off my workout routine... Call me a coward rather than smart 
It's almost 4 PM and I just woke up. I woke up to walk the dog at 9, went back to sleep, and here I am, all groggy and sweaty. But maybe it's not too bad to sleep through the hottest time and the highest UV radiation of the day, as I have nothing scheduled for today anyway. I'll wait for night and go to the gym once it's a bit cooler.
Speaking of nightfall, it's Summer Solstice tomorrow. It always makes me feel sad; the descent into the cold dead winter months will begin, even though the nature will look lush and warm for several months still. I also have quite a bit of traumatic memories from childhood and Midsummer celebrations and being around adults who were drunk and unsafe, and would laugh at me when I declared I want to go to the sauna with the men and not the women. These are such old memories that they are faded around the corners and mixed in together, young kids don't really form coherent memories like adults do, but I remember the feelings of anxiety and dread and confusion.
I really love the Equinoxes. One would think that as Autumn Equinox brings in the darkest six months of the year, it would feel dread inducing, but maybe because it's not a celebration and I have no bad memories associated with it, I just love everything about it... The wistful atmosphere, crisp nights and warm days, hyper fixating on every change I see in nature, cherishing every bird that stays and doesn't migrate out for winter. Hot drinks. Beautiful moonlit nights. The smell of apples rotting in trees and passing fields, overturned and empty. Spring equinox is also great - it still looks like winter, but it feels like spring, and my birthday is on the day after. It's a time of growth and blackbirds are beginning to sing and build nests after months of only the occasional crow cawing here and there. And with Winter Solstice comes the relief of knowing that the climb out of the darkness has begun.
Well, that escalated into something else lol But I'm having a breakfast of lovely black coffee and guac with bean mix. I'll have to start mixing beans into guac more often, it tastes great and gives a nice texture and some protein as well. After that I'll take a shower and walk the dog.
It's almost 4 PM and I just woke up. I woke up to walk the dog at 9, went back to sleep, and here I am, all groggy and sweaty. But maybe it's not too bad to sleep through the hottest time and the highest UV radiation of the day, as I have nothing scheduled for today anyway. I'll wait for night and go to the gym once it's a bit cooler.
Speaking of nightfall, it's Summer Solstice tomorrow. It always makes me feel sad; the descent into the cold dead winter months will begin, even though the nature will look lush and warm for several months still. I also have quite a bit of traumatic memories from childhood and Midsummer celebrations and being around adults who were drunk and unsafe, and would laugh at me when I declared I want to go to the sauna with the men and not the women. These are such old memories that they are faded around the corners and mixed in together, young kids don't really form coherent memories like adults do, but I remember the feelings of anxiety and dread and confusion.
I really love the Equinoxes. One would think that as Autumn Equinox brings in the darkest six months of the year, it would feel dread inducing, but maybe because it's not a celebration and I have no bad memories associated with it, I just love everything about it... The wistful atmosphere, crisp nights and warm days, hyper fixating on every change I see in nature, cherishing every bird that stays and doesn't migrate out for winter. Hot drinks. Beautiful moonlit nights. The smell of apples rotting in trees and passing fields, overturned and empty. Spring equinox is also great - it still looks like winter, but it feels like spring, and my birthday is on the day after. It's a time of growth and blackbirds are beginning to sing and build nests after months of only the occasional crow cawing here and there. And with Winter Solstice comes the relief of knowing that the climb out of the darkness has begun.
Well, that escalated into something else lol
But I'm having a breakfast of lovely black coffee and guac with bean mix. I'll have to start mixing beans into guac more often, it tastes great and gives a nice texture and some protein as well. After that I'll take a shower and walk the dog.
Floater
Well-known member
About to have a bowl of cold oats in yogurt with cinnamon, soy protein, and agave syrup. Then I'll go to the gym and drop a package to the post on my way (I ordered exercise shorts that were too narrow for my thighs), have a nice workout, get back, shower and just chill out with my dog.
I have a video call tomorrow at 9 with a nonprofit gender therapy/support organization. Looking forward to that. Also, eating raw carrots and celery is making my gut very happy.
I have a video call tomorrow at 9 with a nonprofit gender therapy/support organization. Looking forward to that. Also, eating raw carrots and celery is making my gut very happy.
I like your descriptions!
Hmpf, I hate that. My thighs and upper arms never have enough space. But then when I try men's stuff either my ass doesn't fit or it's all wrong around my waist.
Floater
Well-known member
Just finished my workout and, as I haven't really eaten a lot today, I decided to go to Burger King for 4 mozzarella sticks (237kcal) and a cheeseburger (312kcal). Had I known the four tiny mozzarella sticks are so packed, I would have taken six sticks OR a double cheeseburger, but whatever.
It's hot AF outside. And my new running shoes are already annihilated. I emailed the store about a reclamation, let's hope they give me no grief
It's hot AF outside. And my new running shoes are already annihilated. I emailed the store about a reclamation, let's hope they give me no grief
Floater
Well-known member
It sucks when our brains - which know exactly where the sore spots are - gang up on us.
Thanks. I had quite a rough time at the gym too, couldn't help but compare myself to the guys there despite knowing it's absolutely not going to do me any good. But for what it's worth, I noticed that the lighting there is really cruel and even the fittest women look like they have "lumpy" arms because of the angle the fluorescent light falls on skin. So that made me feel a tiny little bit better about my arms.I think I'll have to make myself a cup of coffee and a couple of slices of bread before walking the dog. I just feel so depleted. But the workout was good. I focused on upper body stuff and really pushed myself. So I should eat to build back those broken down muscles.
Floater
Well-known member
I had two slices of rye bread with vegan patee, marg, and smoked salt and a cup of coffee, and the headed out with the dog. The night was absolutely beautiful, and I saw a toad! I think it was dead, though, just sitting still on the dirt road, or if it was alive it deserved an Oscar. It was a big bugger, too.
I actually feel good about my body, relatively speaking. I'm getting closer and closer to the anniversary of me being admitted to the psych ward. I get flashbacks of that sometimes, and how unsafe I was with my ex just before my mind gave up under the pressure and broke down. I'm still compartmentalizing some of the events both before admission and during the time I was in the hospital. It was super traumatic. But considering what hell my mind and body have been going through for the last year, I'm clearly on the right path and working very hard towards being healthy and happy. The fact that I'm able to work this hard is a sign of how far I've come.
I think I'll haul my stuff back up from the cold storage after Midsummer now that I've decided I don't want to move to assisted living. I really need to know how much of my stuff I threw out and how much of it is just packed in boxes. I have huge dissociative memory gaps from around those times so I really can't tell without doing an inventory. I think I'm ready for that now, and grieving for the stuff I threw out.
I actually feel good about my body, relatively speaking. I'm getting closer and closer to the anniversary of me being admitted to the psych ward. I get flashbacks of that sometimes, and how unsafe I was with my ex just before my mind gave up under the pressure and broke down. I'm still compartmentalizing some of the events both before admission and during the time I was in the hospital. It was super traumatic. But considering what hell my mind and body have been going through for the last year, I'm clearly on the right path and working very hard towards being healthy and happy. The fact that I'm able to work this hard is a sign of how far I've come.
I think I'll haul my stuff back up from the cold storage after Midsummer now that I've decided I don't want to move to assisted living. I really need to know how much of my stuff I threw out and how much of it is just packed in boxes. I have huge dissociative memory gaps from around those times so I really can't tell without doing an inventory. I think I'm ready for that now, and grieving for the stuff I threw out.
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you
I do have the room, so that's not an issue. And the storage space is in the cellar of my apartment building so I can move the stuff back up over time, box by box. I'll have to put my books in a built-in clothes cupboard, because I have no bookshelf (or space for one), but that's perfectly fine; I don't have a lot of clothes, so I have a lot of empty space available.
Sigh; I'm so hungry. I don't really want to eat but I may have to, because sleep just won't come. I'll see if I'm still hungry after a glass of water and 20 mins, if so, I'll have something quick and easy.
Floater
Well-known member
Yup, I definitely needed the food. I horked down three cold, leftover small potatoes from the fridge with half a can of room temp tuna; it was disgusting both taste and texture wise, but I was starving. I also had a tomato and a carrot for fresh veg and took the smallest dose of my ADHD med - sometimes the mini dose helps me sleep if my thoughts are racing. (ADHD brains respond to stimulants differently than neurotypical ones, it's not uncommon to experience calming effects or even drowsiness from small doses, although upping the dose usually makes me more alert.)
Floater
Well-known member
I fell asleep around 7am, woke up at 8:50 for the video call, walked and fed the dog, went back to sleep, woke up at 3pm, am now making coffee. The assistant who's coming today at 4 has a car available, so she can drive me to sports store so I can get my money back from the busted shoes. Other than that, I guess I'll just try to survive the heat. It's 32 degrees Celsius. My poor dog just coughed up pink froth, but is otherwise ok, so all the panting probably dries down her mucous membranes. I'll have to keep an eye on her still.
My apartment is a hot mess, dog hair everywhere, but I'm too exhausted to do anything about it in this heat.
I had two slices of rye bread with marg and cheese after the video call (which put my mind at ease, the guy said that I should not encounter any big issues in the trans process as I'm able to express my emotions and motivations well and have no mood swings etc), I'll probably go to the supermarket once it gets a bit cooler and get myself something easy and tasty. Cooking is not an option in this insane heat!
My apartment is a hot mess, dog hair everywhere, but I'm too exhausted to do anything about it in this heat.
I had two slices of rye bread with marg and cheese after the video call (which put my mind at ease, the guy said that I should not encounter any big issues in the trans process as I'm able to express my emotions and motivations well and have no mood swings etc), I'll probably go to the supermarket once it gets a bit cooler and get myself something easy and tasty. Cooking is not an option in this insane heat!
Agreed. Cheese/cold meat, bread, mashed canned beans, and raw or pickled veggies will have to do for a while.
Floater
Well-known member
Yay, I'll get a full refund for the shoes! It's going to take several business days because it's processed through the online store, but at least I know it's coming.
I ended up making myself a hot meal after all - tuna pasta with a ton of cheese. I figured that if I'm craving a hot meal of protein, simple carbs and fat in this heat, I probably need it.
When I tried to return the shorts yesterday, the post office had already closed, so I might as well try again today. I kind of want to get a bit boozy because it's the Equinox? I could walk from the post to the supermarket and get a small bottle of vodka and some sparkling water;the whole route would take me something like two hours as the supermarket and post are in different parts of the city... And it's definitely too hot to take the dog for a long walk before night. But I'm also so tired and lazy that I might just stay at home. I don't have to decide right now.
I ended up making myself a hot meal after all - tuna pasta with a ton of cheese. I figured that if I'm craving a hot meal of protein, simple carbs and fat in this heat, I probably need it.
When I tried to return the shorts yesterday, the post office had already closed, so I might as well try again today. I kind of want to get a bit boozy because it's the Equinox? I could walk from the post to the supermarket and get a small bottle of vodka and some sparkling water;the whole route would take me something like two hours as the supermarket and post are in different parts of the city... And it's definitely too hot to take the dog for a long walk before night. But I'm also so tired and lazy that I might just stay at home. I don't have to decide right now.
I understand that sometimes only a hot meal will do!