Floater's diary
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Floater
Well-known member
I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. From the moment I woke up I felt surreal. I just went through the motions, got my itchy mole checked (it's not dangerous so that's good), sat in the park for a while drinking beer. Got home, suffered from extremely bad intrusive thoughts and spent the evening drifting in and out of consciousness, dissociating heavily. I didn't eat anything until 11 PM when I had a chicken leg, two slices of rye bread, and pasta with cheese and tomato sauce. I felt like crawling out of my skin; the heat makes dysphoria a million times worse. I had to cool myself in the shower without toweling myself to be able to sleep at all.
The dissociation persisted throughout the night and morning. It arrived at it's peak when I read on Facebook that Maple the Pup has died. Maple was a sweet dog whose owner played the guitar for her and filmed her serenely listening. I started to sob uncontrollably and couldn't stop. I wasn't really crying for Maple but the general sense of loss and loneliness. I called a helpline and talked for an hour about all the stuff that's currently triggering my trauma and it helped a bit. Soon after the phone call the sky got overcast and a thunderstorm rolled in. That's helpful too. I'm making potatoes and plant based nuggets, it's my first meal of the day.
The dissociation persisted throughout the night and morning. It arrived at it's peak when I read on Facebook that Maple the Pup has died. Maple was a sweet dog whose owner played the guitar for her and filmed her serenely listening. I started to sob uncontrollably and couldn't stop. I wasn't really crying for Maple but the general sense of loss and loneliness. I called a helpline and talked for an hour about all the stuff that's currently triggering my trauma and it helped a bit. Soon after the phone call the sky got overcast and a thunderstorm rolled in. That's helpful too. I'm making potatoes and plant based nuggets, it's my first meal of the day.
Floater
Well-known member
I wondered why you weren't posting. The helpline staff sound like they're worth their weight in latinum.
Yeah I hate it when I have these low points. But for what it's worth, I'm a bit better now and about to make myself some tuna pasta. I have to remember that it really isn't my fault that I have bad days. How's the meme go - "my illness is chronic, but my ass is iconic"
My poor dog has an inflamed lump between her toes in one paw. She's been so shook after the vet visit that she's been licking herself compulsively, breaking the skin. I'll shower, dry and disinfect the paw after each walk for the next few days and if it doesn't start healing, it's time for another vet visit and antibiotics. She doesn't seem to be in pain, walks normally and lets me handle the lump with no issues, and doesn't mind me disinfecting it either, so I think that's a good sign.
I still feel pretty bad dysphoria and such deep sadness about trauma related stuff, but I'm not hopeless anymore. Sometimes the feelings just need to be felt. Tomorrow will be better. Oh and the rain and thunder definitely helped to clear the air, symbolically and practically.
That one´s new to me, thank you!Hope your doggo heals up quickly. Maybe the added pampering even helps them to relax again?
Here´s hoping we get some of that thunder and cool air as well!
Cate
Long term member
I hope your doggie's paw heals quickly. Giving her that extra care will help you both. I hope you wake tomorrow feeling a bit better again, xoxo.
Floater
Well-known member
Woke up in sweat and anxious after a night of nightmares. Assistance came over, I managed to clean up a bit and eat soy yogurt with soy protein, agave syrup, and cinnamon, had a fresh tomato, and took my meds (I took a day off meds yesterday). It made me feel a bit better and I think I'll try to eat a bit more before taking the dog out - beans and pasta should do nicely I think, I need some carbs in me as I'd really like to go to the gym later.
Nera's paw looks a bit better already; it had a darker spot with some pus oozing out yesterday, but after regular warm showers and wiping it down with antiseptic the pus is gone now and the lump itself looks decreased in size and lighter pink in color. I might be able to avoid a vet visit, it looks like. She lets me handle the area with no issues and walks normally, and the paw is cool to the touch. I'm really glad about that.
Nera's paw looks a bit better already; it had a darker spot with some pus oozing out yesterday, but after regular warm showers and wiping it down with antiseptic the pus is gone now and the lump itself looks decreased in size and lighter pink in color. I might be able to avoid a vet visit, it looks like. She lets me handle the area with no issues and walks normally, and the paw is cool to the touch. I'm really glad about that.
Floater
Well-known member
Great to hear Nera´s getting better! Glad you´re doing better after food and meds, too
Thank you
I'm still kind of fighting against flashbacks, but it's nothing compared to how I felt two days ago. At least when the memories come somewhat clearly, I can remind myself that those things are in the past and I'm safe now. When it's just a general feeling of doom, it's hard to do anything about it because... Where to even start?
Time to walk the dog! After that I'll take cardboard trash from my balcony to recycling. I want to clear the balcony so that I can keep the door open for cooling and so that my dog can cool herself there too. She doesn't really spend time there, but I'm sure a draft would help her nevertheless
Floater
Well-known member
There are no stupid questions! All beans and legumes tend to make me a bit uncomfy, but edamame less so than most. Depends on the day too, I think. My gut has a mind of it's own so anything might make me miserable or go down OK...?
I think I'll skip the gym today, I'll wait for cooler temps and light rain that should arrive tomorrow. I have been doing chores and prepping food (boiled eggs and spinach couscous). I might wash the floors later tonight, too - I already gave them a wipe-down with a static wipe to get the worst dog hair and sand off, so I'm kind of halfway there towards having clean floors (or 1/3 there because I'll have to wash and rinse with how dirty they are lol).
Snack: two boiled eggs, a cup of black coffee
Floater
Well-known member
Dinner: spinach couscous with peas; fresh bell pepper, carrot and celery sticks with peanut butter.
Veg quota has definitely been met today and I think I made the right choice by staying at home and focusing on self care and chores. Tomorrow should be easier after a day of eating healthy; a clean environment also helps me feel better when I'm down in the dumps.
Veg quota has definitely been met today and I think I made the right choice by staying at home and focusing on self care and chores. Tomorrow should be easier after a day of eating healthy; a clean environment also helps me feel better when I'm down in the dumps.
Floater
Well-known member
YESSS I'm so proud of myself. I washed the floors and the bathroom - I was drenched in sweat by the time I was done - and I'll only need two more trips to get all the cardboard out to the recycling. I'll probably eat a bit more later tonight, I'm thinking beans + tuna + spinach couscous as all the chores left me really hungry. And because I have now cleaned the apartment thoroughly, I can take it easy over the Midsummer weekend and only worry about hauling my butt to the gym <3
Floater
Well-known member
Well done on washing the floors and the bathroom! It's good that you were able to treat Nera's paw yourself & save yourself that vet's bill. It must feel good to have a clean apartment. I need to do some cleaning. I think we have tumbleweeds.
Let's hope the paw keeps healing with home remedies and good hygiene. I'll scrape together the money somehow if she gets worse, of course. And yes, definitely, it feels nice to have a squeaky clean place; I'm usually pretty clean and organized but this month has been intense and the place had gotten a bit gross.
Oh and I had tuna+beans+fresh celery+spinach couscous as a cold hearty salad type of thing. I STILL feel hungry... Can't believe it...