Floater's diary

Im glad despite your cramps you were able to complete your workout. Sometimes you got to just push through it and in the end it's worth it. That's great that your doctors visit was good news. Congratulations.
 
Thank you @size32someday 💐
 
Decent amount of walking today. Left foot is giving me grief so I need to decide which is more useful, gym or rest
 
size32someday said:
Hope your foot feels better regardless which one you pick.
Click to expand...
Thanks! I picked sleep. Woke up at 4AM from a dream to write. Just had breakfast and took an ovulation test as per the doc's instructions, which was negative. Had some hot flashes yesterday. Today left big toe is hella sore, to the point I winced when I stepped on it wrong. But because my right knee and lower back are also sore, I think it's likely that the joint pain is from low levels of E, which would be backed by the hot flashes and the negative ovulation test.

I'm supposed to take tests for the next max 8 days and if I do get a positive, I need to go give a blood sample. This means I gotta tweak my sleep schedule so I'll be up early to make it to the labs in time.

Plan for today: shower, light gym to not irritate the sore foot, lunch, clean up chinnie cages included, draw. Need to buy TP and disposable cups for the ovulation testing. Oh and more tests as well, I have three left.
 
Here's the text I wrote today if someone's interested :) I'm super grateful for all reads.

https://lahionoita.home.blog/2024/08/17/sunrise/

I'm going for a magical realism style. Currently processing hard life experiences via therapeutic writing, turning them into something beautiful, feels good.

I also treated myself to a cute yellow fluorite pig I found online at a reasonable price. The novel manuscript I refer to in the blog text is real, and it features pigs a lot. In Buddhism a pig is a symbol of ignorance, but sometimes also the purity and innocence related to it. It's important to me to remember that there's some goodness in the bad.
 
Went to the gym. Good session but another good reason to quit artificial sweeteners, besides migraines, is that they give me bubble guts. Besides, if I'm expecting to expect, I probably shouldn't eat artificial stuff anyway.
 
Ok some updates: had a tattoo refreshed yesterday, so no rigorous exercise until Friday and I have to avoid forearm pumps for two week, so that´d be until 2.9. After that I guess I´ll see if I could do GVT even if it´s just for a couple of weeks because I genuinely loved it and it gives crazy good results when it comes to body recomp. I read up on the topic and it´s probably not a sustainable training method when the inseminations start but... Maybe I shouldn´t worry too much and just trust that my body will tell me what it needs. Right now as the weather is getting cooler it wants to exercise hard. But until Friday just long walks because otherwise the tattoo won´t heal optimally.

Also now I´ve been greenlit for fertility treatments via the public sector too. Their queues are 14 months currently but I´m happy to have a backup in case I do end up needing IVF.

Today I´ll do some painting and go for more walks. I have some soup in the fridge I´m not super into, but it needs to be eaten today, so I´ll just do it.
 
congrats on the tattoo refresh. they always look good after doing them over. Not being able to exercise after makes sense. ive heard you have to make sure you dont scratch them too if their itchy. Backup to the fertility sounds like a good thing to have. the sooner you book the closer it will be if you end up needing it.
 
@size32someday you are correct about the scratching, and oh boy the tat is getting ITCHY! Especially right after applying the care cream. I´m keeping the tat covered with gauze because it´s on my wrist so it would otherwise rub on things and risk getting infected. When the itching gets bad, I can tap the gauze slightly, it distracts from the sensation. But the skin looks really calm and I´d say the healing process should proceed without issues. No redness and swelling is already down, too.

Gonna go for a walk now. My barefoot shoes got a hole in the sole. They´ve been in use for 6 months... I´m not gonna buy the same type again. It´s understandable that barefoot shoes last a shorter time because there´s just less sole to wear down but it sure is annoying. I guess they could work as emergency gym shoes, but even gym shoes should ideally have intact soles, no? Feels a bit pointless to store junk.

I kinda want to know what results I would get if I focused on my waistline. Yes, I know that spot-reducing fat is not a thing. But mentally there is a difference between "I´m building xyz muscle to get strong" vs "I want to reduce my waist and see what level of ab visibility would be sustainable for me personally". For example, in the spring I did a chest and delt priority meso and it really did change my shape. Focus does matter.

I think that as soon as the tat is healed I´m gonna go for a GVT meso because I genuinely liked doing it and having a pre-made program is stupid easy. I just need to follow orders basically. I think that I´ll be very careful with the intensity (weights) and try and lose weight while doing GVT. I know from experience that for me the visual results are quick with that program. Adding VERY LIGHT pool workouts to alternate days (the GVT program I used was done every other day) on most days of the week would increase my kcal expenditure even more. And GVT kinda gives me a perma pump because some spot in my body is always still healing form the last session so I would feel easier dealing with the doctors who kinda weight troll me despite me being within the BMI limits for fertility treatments.

I stress ate white choccy cashews and raisins today. Oops.
 
Off to the gym for the first time after the tattoo.

Feeling slightly demotivated about losing weight presumably because now I feel like I "have to" and nothing nukes my motivation worse than that. But: I´m within the BMI limits for fertility treatments. I don´t "need to" lose weight. I just want to trim my waist a bit. Even 3kg will make a decent visual impact.

Yesterday was great food-wise. Also, having replaced energy drinks with tea in a thermos works great for me. I hate having to go out in the rain but I know I´ll feel so much better after I get some working out done. I bought glucose tablets to carry with me because once it´s been 2 weeks from the tattooing and I can go swimming again, I want to increase the duration of my aqua jogging workouts from 60 mins to 120, and I think that taking a break after 60 mins to hydrate with some salted water and pop a couple of glucose pills would probably help prevent migraines.

Feeling very dysphoric and uncomfortable in my body today, and sad that I didn´t get a positive ovulation test this month. But this isn´t the end of the world.
 
Gym was OK, I was pretty mentally drained but got a decent workout in. Had four glucose tablets in the locker room, one is 8kcal, this gave me a bit of a boost, took away cold sweats and nausea. Had some pork, mashed potatoes, and a big bowl of cherry tomatoes at home and am now feeling good.
 
the glucose pills sound very handy to have. Maybe my mom has some from her diabetic stuff that I can pilfer from her. not all of them just a few in case I feel sick from lack of sugar from an upcoming waterfast. my blood pressure runs really low so fasting can make me feel like crap.
 
Feeling pretty good. Quitting energy drinks and premade protein drinks (which I looove but which don´t really make sense unless I´m bulking) has been super easy by substituting them with tea thermoses. And I needed to cut down my caffeine intake anyway.

Yesterday was gym day and because I can´t really work out my arms yet, I´ll do a big cleanup tonight instead. I already went for a walk and will go for another when I´m done cleaning up. Maybe I can go walk up and down the exercise stairs for a bit too and take a couple of steps running IF my foot can handle it. Jogging is very much a "use it or lose it" thing, and it´s been a long time since I last did it. I need to get into the habit _now_ because one can only jog/run during pregnancy if the body is already used to it.

Current weight management plan is simple: no liquid calories, no sweeteners, veggies/fruit and protein with every meal. A 300g tub of yogurt costs about the same as a protein drink, a little less than an energy drink, and has as much protein in it as a protein drink but is much more filling and better for the gut bacteria. A spoonful of honey is between 60-70kcal so a tub of yogurt with a spoonful of honey has approx the same kcals as an energy drink.

Long story short I´m gonna prioritize my gut health this fall and focus on eating whole foods and avoid processed stuff. Probably a good lifetime diet strategy but I like to plan my life in seasons lol.
 
So you guys know I struggle with gender dysphoria and when it´s bad, I feel like I I can´t take one more second, and I sometimes go and look at plastic surgery before and after photos kinda thinking that maybe if I can´t transition, I could try to come up with a way to get plastic surgery so at least I´d have an "ideal" female body. And you know what? Looking at those photos is kinda helpful because it helps me place/assign the origin of my discomfort in my body to the right reasons. If I had a breast lift/tummy tuck or a mommy makeover after giving birth (if I´ll ever get there), I´d still feel awful. It would still be the wrong body for me, just with more scarring.

Yeah. The solution isn´t surgery - other than top surgery down the line after I´ve been on T for long enough. What helps me is getting more muscular, and I can do that to a degree even now that I have my natural hormone function. Of course testosterone changes that game totally but now I just need patience. And it makes sense that dysphoria is worsening now that I have my natural cycle and everything. But yeah. Gonna go for that walk now. Today was a good, healthy day of eating.
 
I ended up passing out before going for the walk but that´s OK, I needed the sleep. Woke up with relatively high anxiety. Breakfast is two dried-bread sandwiches with paprika cashew spread, a box of cherry tomatoes, and a tub of yogurt for protein, with a spoonful of honey.
 
Day two of eating whole foods is going well. Hit the gym. Not my best workout ever but I´m limited to doing legs for one more week. If the tattoo heals quicker than expected, perhaps a bit sooner, but for as long as the scab is shedding, I´ll have to avoid a forearm pump.

Went to the supermarket after gym. Bought prunes, an apple, a pear, two packs of dried bread (easier on my stomach than fresh), a jar of paprika cashew spread, hard cheese, and smoked halibut which is my favorite fish since childhood. It´s pricey but the piece I got was good quality protein and cost the same as a Taco Bell burrito so it´s about perspective, really. I had it for dinner as well as a banana and cherry tomatoes.

Dysphoria is super high. I hate not being able to work my arms and chest. But it´s only for one more week.
 
Anxiety is quite high so I´ll have some carbs (bread + fruit) and a tub of yogurt and hopefully I´ll fall asleep early and easily. Therapy tomorrow.
 
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