Floater's diary

After NSAIDs walking became tolerable and I´m too scared to gain weight to not go exercise on it that I´ll just go now. I´m so exhausted that I took the trash bag with me and instead of tossing it in the bin I walked to the grocery store carrying it and wondered why people look at me like I´m nuts.

EDIT: after eating and re-reading what I had just written I decided that I need a nap before even considering gym lol. So nap time ahoy
 
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I had a nap and I think I'll have a rest day today because my anxiety was also brought down considerably by the nap. The foot looks red so I need to be off it!
 
Yesterday I was going over my option about how to present my worth to become a parent to the fertility clinic doc. PhD project is a fantastic way to do that, but not entirely in my own hands, as I need to be approved by two supervisors first and then accepted into a PhD programme as well. So I need something else as well. I do have the blog project which is tangible proof that I have enough brain power to produce an essay in a foreign language per day, but... Self-publishing is always just that. And blogs, while they may be of high quality, are considered a non-serious literary genre/media. A "blog" doesn´t sound right for what I´m trying to achieve.

So I thought, well, I do have half a novel. But the issue with a whole damn novel is that even when writing daily it takes a long time to finish and time is of the essence. So - a children´s book. They are shorter, I can do illustrations. Still a super freaking stressful endeavor and I´m probably overthinking things but I need to redirect this anxiety into something productive.

I feel awful about having had a rest day yesterday. Meh. But gym today. Maybe pool as well if I get there in time.
 
Gym was OK today, foot is sore but I can walk almost at normal pace. Feeling extremely anxious that I didn't make it to the pool today. But gym is not nothing.
 
Water retention is unusually bad! I feel like a blimp. I hope it´s because my body is getting ready to menstruate? Never thought I´d wish for that to happen. But here we are.

I think I´ll have to skip the chins´ playtime for tonight because I. Need. Sleep. I´ll have to order them more pellet and apple tree sticks tomorrow as well as take care of some paperwork.
 
Barebells has a new protein bar that tastes like lemon cheesecake and I can´t sleep from my hunger. I wonder if I should walk 3km to the 24/7 supermarket to get one? But there´s a chance that I would buy more than one and eat them in one go. It´s probably smarter to eats something I have available at home and try to sleep and wake up early to go exercise.

Did a bit more writing. Writing´s been going great lately.
 
Something´s way off about my body right now. My appetite is insane, like really stupidly high. But not in the binging way. I eat at a normal pace and it´s not to deal with stress/emotion, and I don´t eat until discomfort, it´s just that portion that normally would satiate me don´t do that today. When I was walking to the gym I was so stricken with hunger that I had to buy a baguette and eat it sitting down on a park bench. I was ravenous. I hate mayo and it was a mayo baguette but I was so hungry I didn´t care about the mayo.

Also, gym sucked, I started by benching 35 kg which is 10kg less than my PR and barely felt like I can handle the load. Did the next sets with 32,5 and 30 to not risk injury. Then did bent over rows with 40kg which is usually a pretty comfy weight for me and I did manage to finish 3 sets of 10 but it felt way off. Joints felt unstable and my back and small muscles were kinda... Clicking. My waist is blimped out and I retain a lot of water and just feel... Stuffy and uncomfortable. Hormonal? Probably.

Gonna eat some more rye bread with cheese.
 
Went aqua jogging, just 30 mins because when i have super high anxiety sometimes exercising hard can make it worse. It seemed to be the perfect amount because I feel pretty ok now! I had a protein drink and "energy candy" beforehand, I wanted to try out the candy. Nothing too special, just pricey marmalades with electrolytes added in, but I didn´t get the usual post pool hangries. Not going to buy them again because I could get the same effect by having a spoonful of fig jam with some iodine salt sprinkled on top for a fraction of the price, but it cheered me up to try something new.

Foot isn´t too sore but it looks redder than before and is hot to the touch so there´s inflammation going on.
 
Bummer. Jumped on the scales and the sore foot, which has impeded my ability to exercise, has caused me to gain over July. According to my home scale, I´m 87kg. I always tare it a bit above 0 but this is still bad. So, I can´t really push it any further: I have to diet.

I feel angry and frustrated and like I failed. But I also know that if I don´t slack, a lot can happen in a few weeks. I haven´t been eating unhealthy stuff, I´ve just failed to take into account how much my activity levels have decreased due to the sore foot.

The fertility doc specifically told me to NOT go on starvation type diets. She said that -2kg per month is the biggest amount I can safely lose without endangering my fertility. So the plan is to stick to mostly whole foods, nothing hyper palatable and NO FUCKING PREMADE PROTEIN DRINKS because those are fine when I exercise for several hours a day but right now my foot prevents me from doing that.

Also, I need to accept that I´ll lose strength and muscle size. There´s absolutely no helping that. But I know from experience that rebuilding it is easier than gaining it in the first place.
 
Two happy things: foot feels less sore after yesterday's rest day, and I was in a kcal deficit yesterday without allowing the ED thoughts to win. Gonna keep this up for 6 weeks and get back to maintenance 🥰
 
I´ve had breakfast and lunch, and now it´s pool time. Going to keep it short and sweet, just 30 mins of aqua jogging. Gym tomorrow. Body is still adjusting to the deficit so I feel listless and tired, but my mood will pick up once my body gets the memo that we are gonna go hungry for a bit now. Gonna have a banana before the pool to avoid migraines and binging after
 
Fuck yes! 30 mins was just enough to get some gentle movement in but didn´t trigger insane hunger. Had 200g of salmon, a banana, and 500g of cherry tomatoes at home. Will try to keep the rest of kcal intake tonight as low as I possibly can because the salmon alone was 500kcal. It was so fucking yummy though.
 
I was feeling really low until late in the afternoon but my mood tends to pick up as the sun gets low. Don´t know why. I cleaned up and cleaned the chins´ cages and now I´m heading to the gym. After gym I´ll treat myself to a Taco Bell grilled stuft burrito with chicken and go sing karaoke with a bud. Then home, shower, snack, sleep. I might buy something from the 24/7 market on my way home.
 
Diet going strong. Did notice that my strength levels are getting lower but unfortunately that always happens with dieting. Foot got angry at me doing good mornings (3 sets of 10 reps of 50 kg) so I´ll be a bit more careful. Otherwise the foot is slowly but surely getting better and I can walk almost normally now. Still can´t get on my toes but I don´t have to limp anymore.

I´ve been super distraught. Two kids drowned in the Lake Kuusijärvi. They were found after 20 mins and revived but they are severely injured, obviously. They were 4 and 7, and their dad had been swimming with them and a 1-year old when the older kids ventured into the deeper part of the lake.

I think I´ll hang laundry and take a little nap and go for a walk. I have psychotherapy tomorrow! Thank god. I´m glad that he´s supportive of my dream of trying for a kid. People in my IRL are as well. Of course, I may fall short of the very strict criteria of the clinic but it´s till better to at least have tried. And now I know that there´s the hypothetical possibility that I could still conceive if I found someone to try it the natural route with. I hadn´t realized how badly the old trans law and the sterility clause in it had influenced me. Kinda... Like I internalized the idea that I´m not worth a child. So even if a child doesn´t come out of this I do think that an increased sense of self worth can bring me peace of mind and good outcomes.

Writing has been going well, I´ve been publishing daily. I know a blog is just a blog but it still is daily writing. And writing is like any other thing, you need practice to be good at it. Also, the low mood that usually clouds the first couple days of a diet is starting to lift as my body is adjusting to feeling a bit hungry all the time. Muscles look flat and that´s always a bit disheartening but hey, it´s just 6 weeks, after that I´ll get back to maintenance and pick up in strength and fullness again.
 
Went to buy groceries and noticed that I was thinking about pastries. Didn´t buy any, but if I think about sweet stuff it´s always a sign that I´m in too big of a deficit, because I don´t usually care for sweets. So I had 200g of smoked salmon, four slices of rye bread, and 250g of cherry tomatoes for dinner. I still feel hungry. I think I´ll have Turkish yogurt plain for some extra protein.
 
Had a major scare and thought I had a poltergeist in the home. It was Timo, who has learned to break out of his cage. He had also pissed on my bed that I was listening to a podcast on... Cheeky silent little killer, he is. I hope he didn´t chew on any cables or houseplants, I´ll have to do a more thorough check in the morning.

I need to wash my weighted blanket and I can only be done by hand so I think I´ll go buy a babies´ bathtub for that purpose. Thanks, Timo, I guess?

Still thinking about pastries so I´m gonna have rye bread with marg & chicken and cherry tomatoes. If by 3 AM I´m still lying awake thinking about pastries, then I guess I´ll go for a midnight walk and try to look for something with a sensible amount of kcals. But I hope the bread and chicken will knock me out.
 
Didn't go buy anything unhealthy yay.

Had therapy today, treated myself to a Monster Mango loco during and a protein drink & protein bar after. End of month, so out of money, eating boring but healthy stuff from fridge, freezer & cupboards.

As a carbsy snack, rice with nooch and marg actually tastes decent and doesn't come with the issue I have with bread, which is that bread is easy to overeat on. Of course rice is low fiber but I had 250g of cherry tomatoes with it.

Protein wise I'm not anywhere near my daily goal for today. I think I'll fry myself an egg white omelette later!
 
Morning weight was 86,5, so heading in the right direction at the right speed, this being day 5 on diet.

Breakfast: a banana and 50g of roasted edamame.

For both maintaining the weight loss I'm looking to achieve now and for gut health I need to start to substitute some of the meats I eat to soy. Most meats I eat are low fat but red meat is still a colon cancer risk. But I defo have an emotional thing for red meat. As a kid my family didn't eat much of it and it was usually a special occasion. So I feel really special whenever I buy it. It's a luxury item, and I feel amazing when I eat it, but the portion sizes of meat packages are usually not meant for one person, so I can easily eat 1000 kcal worth of meat in one sitting plus the oil for shallow frying it. Also, cost.
 
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