Floater's diary

Llama said:
That's what anxiety typically feels like for me. No wonder after all the complications of the past two weeks!
Click to expand...
Yeah.

Went to a SMART meeting and didn´t feel any better after. Might as well just take a shower, I stink. I had planned to wash at the pool but I didn´t end up going to the pool so...

I had the oatmeal that had been hanging around in my new thermos, and it tasted nice and was still piping hot. So at least I know the thermos does what it says it does.

Everything, _everything_ feels like too much right now. Even the idea of having to take a shower makes me want to scream.
 
I took a shower (and cried in the shower) and put on lotion and now I´m having rice and ham and kimchi and peas and three boiled eggs. The anxiety of uncertainty weighs down on me hard but, oh well.
 
Had three blood oranges as dessert. -24 degrees outside. I don´t usually mind the cold, but this winter it seems to incapacitate me. Maybe it´s a sign of aging, maybe I´ve been so stressed out that my body can´t handle things it used to be able to handle.
 
Walked to the post box to drop off a letter to a friend. I need to eat something before bed. Ideally something that goes well with hard-boiled eggs because I still have those galore. I have some instant ramen, that would be comforting, quick and easy.

Tomorrow´s a new day. I might be able to hit the pool tomorrow.
 
Well done on getting to the post office. I love that you handwrite letters. I hope that tomorrow you can find some peace xo
 
Upstairs neighbors are partying. Just loud voices and laughter, no music, but my head hurts and I'd like to sleep.
 
Breakfast: sausage casserole.

I´m EXHAUSTED. I have to call the neuropsych clinic, which I´ve already done once, and ask them to transfer my patient information to my new ID. The secretary laughed at me the last time I did, saying _they_ see my info. Well that´s great but _I don´t_ and neither does any doctor who looks at my info.
 
Took my blood pressure for the first time in a while. As always, when I start taking the measurements they are on the verge of needing medication, but as I let my body adjust to the trauma trigger of pressure, the numbers settle on following measurements. My diastolic pressure is very slightly elevated at 90-91. This has been the case for as long as I remember but no changes. Systolic always starts high but as I take several measurements it settles around 130 which is not ideal but doesn´t need medications. As far as I understand, BP around those measurements shouldn´t really put me at risk of kidney damage and stuff. I would love to get the BP down to the desirable 85-120, there are no shortcuts other than losing even more weight, using even less salt, stressing out less (bwahahaha LOL).

But hey - having essentially OK BP even today when I´m mega stressed out, have a headache, etc is kinda encouraging if you think about it.
 
Had cottage cheese before autism assistance visit and three boiled eggs after it. I´m so motherfucking anxious and feel like I can´t go outside. I should. But in this moment the "should" is only stressing me out more. Now having the last portion of sausage casserole.
 
BALLLLSSSSS it´s 0 C outside, sleet hell in other words. Having Lindt pralines. Nap made me feel a little bit better mentally though.
 
Watched a pretty good movie called In Fabric. Feeling tired. Maybe I should take a shower and try to go to sleep early.
 
Grapes and cheese. Realized that there´s a presidental election in Finland. I already know who gets my vote (Li Andersson), I have two days to vote in advance which I like to do as then it´s done and I need not worry about it anymore.
 
Cate said:
I always vote early. It's very satisfying. Li Andersson looks like a very decent human being.
Click to expand...
I love that you looked up my candidate, forum mom!

And @Llama , yeah, circus indeed lol.

Was hungry so I had a snack of rice and peas (which actually makes a really nice snack when seasoned with soy sauce, mirin and chili oil) and my remaining Lindt pralines. I usually don't have much of a sweet tooth and only go for sugar if I've exercised _a lot_, but I guess the darkness and stress is getting to me. Whatever, I enjoyed the stuff. Weight has remained at 80kg. The more sunlight we get the easier it's going to be to start losing again.
 
Feeling pretty good about life. I called the neuropsych clinic and explained to them that they actually do need to transfer my patient data because even if they can see it, I can´t, and I have the right to the access to my own patient info, the law is very clear on that. Then the property maintenance sent me an email about a leaking showerhead and I mentioned the damaged wiring of the hotbox in the sauna. So that´s also taken care of.

Then I got an email from a clothing store I had ordered and returned stuff from, and they allowed me to order more shit with the same postage fee, which is always nice. In a few days I´ll be getting a mini version of my assault backpack. Let´s not go into the politics of a "children´s military assault backpack" but I know I would have been ecstatic about having one as a child. It was also reasonably priced at 40e and I plan to turn it into something truly whimsical with patches and gemstones and pins and stuff.

Breakfast: rice and peas.
 
Having lunch at the mediterranean buffet after therapy.

Last time I was here, I was psychotic. Coming back here is important. But at the same time I feel so sad. I lost so much when I was ill. Why did it have to happen?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top