Floater's diary

Llama said:
But when I don't have anything to invest I still need to eat!
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Indeed!

Had a mini portion of sweet potato casserole when I took it out of the oven. Three Lindt pralines as a treat while I was making a spell card for another friend. Now having a bowl of veggie and tofu soup. It´s -27 degrees outside!
 
-27° C is proper cold 🥶 Sounds like you're staying nice and cozy though.
 
Feeling super anxious and like I'm getting sick again. I can't afford that now. Stress eating the rest of the pralines. My chest is sore from hormones :/
 
Cate said:
I so do not miss hormones!
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I miss testosterone but gotta roll with what Mother Nature gave me.

I'm in shit mood. Pharmacist of the health clinic refused to believe that my prescriptions need to be written again for my new ID because while their systems update to my new ID automatically, the pharmacy's will not.

I'm so tired
 
OK breakfast helped me decompress a little bit; it´s OK and understandable that I have high anxiety now.

Prepped oatmeal for later by mixing dry ingredients in advance: oats, jerky, hemp seeds, juniper berries, and soy protein isolate.
 
Lunch: carb-loading before gym because it´s cold as shit outside and I need fuel. Spaghetti with herbs and garlic oil, a small portion of sweet potato and kidney bean casserole.
 
Cate said:
I hope you're asleep now & have a much better day tomorrow xoxo
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Thanks but I'm not... I'm uploading old photos of me and Nera to the cloud and crying.

I'm so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Between being trans and super traumatized and needing super strict boundaries regarding my sex life just to avoid getting hospitalized again, _who would even have me_? Someone who really likes a challenge? A weirdo with a nurturing kink? That's worse than being alone.

Looking at the old photos is horrible and triggers my dysphoria so badly. I'm only doing it now because when I was in the hospital, the voices said I have to do it before Nera's death day because my phone will stop working soon after. And I was so thick. I look like a pagan fertility deity in those photos and it triggers me so badly. My chest is huge in the photos. I can't imagine I walked around looking like that.

I can't even reconnect with my spiritual side in this moment that I need it so badly. I feel like stuck in a metal box with nothing getting in or out.

I miss Nera's physical body, her weight, warmth, scent. I miss being close to another human, skin to skin. I am touch deprived. I wouldn't have had sex, well, intercourse with that fucking clown otherwise and I feel dirty because I did. Spineless. He really humiliated me when he was being transphobic and I let him do it because I just needed to believe I could be something else than alone.
 
I agree with Cate. But even if I didn't: unless you see me and my many single peeps in and past their 40 as gross and unlovable maybe you should stop using your single status as proof that there's something wrong with you. Meeting and interacting with enough people (on a deep enough level to figure out whether or not they're genuinely compatible with you) to find love is actually hard. That's the whole story.
 
(And I know you don't mean to insult anyone other than yourself but that's kind of like me saying something mean about autistic people and assuming you won't be offended because you're my friend and know I wouldn't insult you so you can't be included. I'd still be rude even if I just thought it inside my own head. So please stop saying mean things about you, my friend.
Also: not everything that deviates from the norm is a kink. Plenty of people are kind and nurturing without ever getting the least bit of sexual satisfaction from it.)
 
Llama said:
unless you see me and my many single peeps in and past their 40 as gross and unlovable maybe you should stop using your single status as proof that there's something wrong with you.
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You are right.
Llama said:
And I know you don't mean to insult anyone other than yourself but that's kind of like me saying something mean about autistic people and assuming you won't be offended because you're my friend and know I wouldn't insult you so you can't be included. I'd still be rude even if I just thought it inside my own head. So please stop saying mean things about you, my friend.
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I´m sorry :grouphug:

I had weird nightmares. Woke up feeling exhausted with a horrid headache from crying so much last night. Lowkey panicking, barely made it to the shower. During the autism assistance visit I was super anxious but at least I got an ultrasound booked for my chest. I had a mammogram done last year but the ultrasound technician wasn´t in the house on that day so I never got that done. The person on the phone wasn´t really going to get me booked for an ultrasound despite me having a doctor´s note that I should have one, because the mammogram had been clear, but I deadpan told her that "so if there´s something hiding in the dense breast tissue that the mammogram can´t catch, I´ll just croak from it then?" and now I have an ultrasound booked on Valentine´s which is very on brand for me of course. The autism assistance person said that she´ll never forget that moment, it was that stellar. She was laughing out loud after I put the phone down.
Cate said:
Arvo, I see you as loveable. You have such good qualities. You are kind & caring. If I can see that then someone else should be able to also :grouphug:
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:grouphug:

Breakfast: oats with jerky, hemp seeds, soy protein, garlic chili oil, and scallions.
 
The crying just doesn´t stop. I want to climb out of my skin. Too many bad things have happened to my body and my mind and I wish they could just disintegrate and scatter in the wind like Nera´s ashes did. At this point in my life, even if someone was interested in me I don´t think I could form a meaningful relationship with them because there´s so my fear and anger inside me that sometimes I fear I would hurt a man even if someone were crazy enough to sleep with me. Like, I could flash back and think I need to defend myself. And then I´d be in legal trouble and the other person would have to deal with trauma of their own. And this anger makes me feel filthy.
 
Head hurts.

Had sweet potato casserole, jerky and chocolate for lunch.
 
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