Floater's diary

Intercourse is not the most important thing in most relationships. Hell, maybe the person you end up with in 5 years is beating themselves up online right now because they're sure nobody will love their ace ass. One thing Christianity gets right is that we're all broken beyond repair. Where they're wrong is that that means only an almighty god can really love us. Humans are awful in how cruel and destructive they can be but they're also amazing in how loving and healing they can be.
 
I wish I could magic someone for you, who is kind & caring & loves to hug & who would love you as you are. Sexual intercourse is not important to everyone. I hope you can heal Arvo. Looking after yourself & learning to love yourself is something you can do. Are your close friends huggers? I love a good hug! Are you thinking of getting another dog? My Archie is such a snuggler :beating:
 
I don't meet my friends often. I did meet my ex yesterday and got snuggles and we f* which is fine because I needed to be close to someone. Unfortunately I can't afford a dog. I have Heikki.
 
Breakfast: cold rice noodles with peas, herbs and walnuts. Lovely! I've eaten so mych beef jerky lately that vegan dishes taste and feel very refreshing.

I woke up rested. Hopefully I'll get to exercise today.
 
Lunch: sweet potato and bean casserole. My doctor has prescribed me the wrong meds. I am ANGRY. I´m anxious and crying. This should not be this difficult. This should not be this difficult.
 
OK the med mix-up has been fixed now.

I changed the sheets, hoovered and deep-cleaned Heikki´s cage. I feel like those fainting goats you see online, I feel like one loud noise and I´ll topple over and faint. I´ll take the trash out. Then I guess I´ll wash the floors, hang the laundry and do food prep. I feel like I just can´t make it to the gym or pool today. So it´s best to listen to my body. I´m so tired that I´m weepy.
 
@Llama I love the comic, thank you <3

I decided to skip washing the floors because I´m so tired that I accidentally tossed my mixed waste in the carton bin; due to the bins being these huge plastic-canvas bags that hang underground, there was no way for me to retrieve the trash bag so I hope the recycling center has some kind of a precaution for situations like this. Instead I´ll walk to the post and pick up my new Stanley food thermos. I´ll go aqua jogging first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning and I can´t wait to get to enjoy my first post workout porridge from a new, bigger thermos.
 
A system that doesn't have ways to deal with human imperfection has no business dealing with humans, let alone the general public.
 
Snack: two blood oranges, some cheese and crackers. And pralines because I have them in the cupboard and need a lil pick me up.

Prepping another batch of casserole, this time with white beans, sausage, parsnip, tomatoes, bulgur, the juice of two blood oranges, onion and spices. Once it´s almost done I´ll stir in a pack of smetana and 1-2 bags of frozen spinach depending how much fits in there, and put it in the oven for five more minutes just to get the spinach thoroughly heated up.

EDIT: I gave the casserole a stir and it smells and looks very rich to me - I´m wondering if I should save the smetana for a dish with a lower-fat protein. On the other hand it doesn´t have that many days of shelf life left. Dilemma!
 
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I did add two bags of spinach and one pack of smetana and in a couple of minutes we´ll see how that´s gonna turn out!
 
The casserole turned out good, and is portioned in the fridge now. I bought more blood oranges, had three as a snack while waiting for eggs to boil. I had forgotten to make ice, so I can´t cool the eggs in an ice bath, which means I won´t marinate them but just cool them under cold running water, dry them and put them in the fridge with the shell on.

I feel emotionally and physically exhausted.
 
Cate said:
Even while you are exhausted you are still putting in the effort to look after yourself :grouphug:
Click to expand...
:grouphug:

Steamed 1 dl of rice and made three portions of snack salad out of it by adding frozen peas (to cool down the rice quickly), fresh ginger, kimchi, chopped ham, sunflower seeds and cucumber. Seasoned with mirin, soy sauce and fivepepper. Had one portion right away and two are in the fridge.

I´m still hungry, which is not surprising.
 
Having one portion of the casserole I made earlier, and it´s really good. Very tangy, because of the blood orange juice, but it works.

Been in a weird headspace. I hope I can have some meaningful dreams tonight. I´ve been feeling so lost today.
 
I did have meaningful dreams but they melted away like April snow. Left me feeling good though.

Filled up my new Stanley thermos for the first time. It's something else! So sturdy and roomy, and machine washable! Breakfast is oatmeal with mango and walnuts.
 
Wrote down my next workout goals on my blackboard in the hallway so I don´t forget. In 2024, I´ll spend February to April working on my maximum strength. It seems to work well with what my body wants to do as the light increases and temps are getting warmer. Summer is best spent focusing on cardio and maintaining existing muscle mass, because the heat increases my hypermobility which increases the risk of injury. But for now, I´ll forget all about mirrors and focus on getting STRONK.

Now I´ll have my coffee, brush my teeth and hit the pool.
 
IDK what happened, panic attack out of nowhere? Decided to have a light lunch of the rice, peas, ham and kimchi stuff I made last night. Then try again.
 
Went for a walk. Now having casserole for dinner. Feeling awful, like something really bad is about to happen any minute now and I can´t stop it.
 
That's what anxiety typically feels like for me. No wonder after all the complications of the past two weeks!
 
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