Floater's diary

Why is a useful question in the context of "can I take reasonable steps to avoid this shitty thing from happening again." But it always carries a risk of veering toward "did I do something to make the universe hate me so I somehow deserve shittiness." Which very much isn't useful. Take care, my friend: you're both sensible and brave for going back.
 
Llama said:
Why is a useful question in the context of "can I take reasonable steps to avoid this shitty thing from happening again." But it always carries a risk of veering toward "did I do something to make the universe hate me so I somehow deserve shittiness." Which very much isn't useful. Take care, my friend: you're both sensible and brave for going back.
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Thanks. The lunch was totally mediocre but it helped to get me fueled and I aqua jogged for 60 mins. My anxiety has completely taken over. I keep flashing forward to imaginary situations at the psych clinic. Therapist told me that we´ll practice the situation beforehand and make a "social script" out of it. And that for now I shouldn´t think about it if I can avoid it. I know he´s right.

I´m so tired that I want to cry but at the same time I feel like if I stop and rest now, I´ll just feel worse and worse and worse and worse. I could try to do food prep out of the stuff I have in the fridge and freezer... Which is not much. I need to go grocery shopping but the weather is hideous: a sleet storm.

Oh yeah, having post workout porridge. Had half of it at the pool and half of it now at home. The new thermos is really starting to grow on me, to the point that I´ll probably get a second one at some point so I can keep them in more easily, but I´m extremely happy with this purchase.
 
Did food prep and voted. Except that at this moment it´s uncertain if my vote counts because the clerk _could not find my information_ so something´s gone awry with my legal transitioning. She had never heard of something like this happening and I´m honestly starting to freak out a little bit.

I prepped three big portions of roasted potatoes, chickpeas, celery, tomatoes, pistachios and onion that I can have with alternating extra protein on top, and two portions of kimchi rice. I have some sour cream in the fridge that needs to be eaten tonight, so I guess I´ll fire up the oven again and make an omelette.
 
Experimenting with an oven omelette! I used 150g of creme fraiche, four eggs, two celery stalks, one small onion, and half a pack of Schwarzwald ham finely chopped. Salt, garlic oil and fivepepper, whisked until incorporated, then poured the mixture into two small dishes that I had breaded with panko, and topped the whole thing with panko as well. I´ll bake them in 125 degrees for 30 mins and hope for the best lol.
 
The omelette tastes amazing. I put some water on a flat pan so there was a lot of moisture in the oven and the omelette in incredibly fluffy and pleasant. Due to the low temp, the celery is still crunchy, and because I kept the omelette in the oven for a relatively long time, the Schwarzwald ham has permeated everything with it´s rich umami.

Someone is going to get an amazing boyfriend out of me. Tits or no tits, estrogen or T. @Llama you once said that food is a little bit like magic and tonight I´m a believer.

EDIT and despite there having been some hassle, tonight I VOTED AS A MAN FOR THE FIRST TIME.
 
Cate said:
That is wonderful. Arvo! Congratulations!!!!
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Thanks and hugs, forum mom!

Gaahh I woke up from restless dreams and started to fix my phone's pics and data because I have a feeling that my phone doesn't have much longer left. I hate backing things up and selecting what needs to be erased. I ended up buying extra space in the cloud. I'll figure out later what to do with all that. At least now my stuff is safe and I can select the best stuff and clean up my bazillion selfies later. Had a scare when I accidentally removed all my Whatsapp pics but I could retrieve them from the trash bin.

But: going through the photos made me feel a bit easier actually. I saw photos of a lot of the objects I purged while going through the crisis last fall. Everything I threw out was shabby, worn out or ill fitting. In my memories they were the best backpack/jacket/hiking boots known to mankind but... The pictures show the reality of the situation. So I'm feeling much better about it. My phone is four years old now. It glitches all the time. I need to prepare for having to get a new one. Life goes on, things move forward, and it's good.
 
Lunch: one Red Bull, kimchi rice with avocado and Schwarzwald ham. I picked up a package from the post. On my way there I came across a woman who had had a muscle spasm of some sort and was bent to one side and stiff as a board. I helped her get home. It annoys me when people don´t stop and help someone who is clearly struggling.

Because I got fairly hungry in the hours between breakfast and lunch, OCD thoughts came back and I had a really bad time missing my backpack and other old (but dear) junk. Lets´hope that food will help.

My shoes got soaked through. The weather outside is insane. Streets are covered with ice and road maintenance has been unable to keep up with the weather so it´s a glacier with Frosty the Snowman´s hangover vomit all over it. I think I need to rest for a bit.
 
Floater said:
On my way there I came across a woman who had had a muscle spasm of some sort and was bent to one side and stiff as a board. I helped her get home. It annoys me when people don´t stop and help someone who is clearly struggling.
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You're a good egg, Floater. I do try to help when I can but it's always a nerve-wracking mindgame for me. What if they're drunk or otherwise intoxicated and turn violent when I acknowledge their presence? What if they have a neurological condition and are thoroughly sick of strangers on the street asking if they're ok? What if they thought they were managing ok and my question starts the out-loud shame-spiral? So sometimes I decide to walk away. And one time I called the local public transport helpline because I didn't know if the big dude who wasn't getting up at the end of the line was asleep or unconscious and I didn't want to get close enough to find out.
 
Llama said:
You're a good egg, Floater. I do try to help when I can but it's always a nerve-wracking mindgame for me. What if they're drunk or otherwise intoxicated and turn violent when I acknowledge their presence? What if they have a neurological condition and are thoroughly sick of strangers on the street asking if they're ok? What if they thought they were managing ok and my question starts the out-loud shame-spiral? So sometimes I decide to walk away. And one time I called the local public transport helpline because I didn't know if the big dude who wasn't getting up at the end of the line was asleep or unconscious and I didn't want to get close enough to find out.
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Very sensible points! I always proceed with caution and ask if my assistance if wanted from a distance. Big, sus looking guys - I deserve to stay unharmed so I generally avoid.

Had a Sriracha burger and a 750ml coffee drink as preworkout and I feel like I could run through a wall at the gym lol
 
You are a good egg, Floater.
Oh, the weather there sounds so hard to cope with. It's a bit gloomy here & I feel like staying home from golf. I am such a sook!
 
Cate said:
You are a good egg, Floater.
Oh, the weather there sounds so hard to cope with. It's a bit gloomy here & I feel like staying home from golf. I am such a sook!
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When i still drank, weather like this was what I considered premium drinking weather, because when the temp is around 0 Celsius and both the sky and the ground are gray and the cold wetness seeps in through Gore-Tex, the nasty burn of liquor was the only thing that seemed to spark some life into the landscape. I was wrong of course. I can get the same effect with a hearty meal and a sharp espresso. Man, I love being sober. I really believe that it´s harmful to associate alcohol overconsumption as something you can only fix my going to AA for the rest of your life and that you´ll always miss the substance. I haven´t had a single craving in over a year. All it took was realizing that I´m fooling myself by thinking that alcohol brings me pleasure and comfort. Life is still hard but sobriety isn´t. And at the same time, I feel a lot of compassion for the past me who drank. I wasn´t harming anyone but myself, I was just trying to find a little bit of happiness. I forgive him.

Thanks forum mom <3

Breakfast: kimchi rice, avocado, ham.

I have now asked the boss of the sex educator from 2022 to either consult her about correcting the errors in her statement or to ask her to tell the trans clinic to nullify the statement. Honestly, everyone would have a better time if she nullified it, especially as she didn´t even write the statement due to process. We´ll see how my demands are met. Might have to prepare for having to fight about it.

Today I´ll take a little train trip to a mall that has a hardware store that sells self-adhesive velcro so I can attach my new, cool patches to my big and lil assault backpacks. I´ll have rest day today because I went hard yesterday, and I need to do some cleaning today.
 
Bought the velcro. Also bought Lindt pralines and had them in the train on my way home. At home I vacuumed and cleaned Heikki´s cage, velcroed the patches, and dabbled with my fanny pack to see if I could use leftover velcro to make one of the zipper pockets a bit more secure. (No; I only made a huge mess and had to scrub off adhesive with hand sanitizer, and now the fanny pack is in the washing machine.)

Now having an omelette, and I´ll do some drawing. Waiting eagerly for gym tomorrow night!
 
Had a hard time with anxiety at one point. Ate potato and chickpea + veg casserole. Now in bed, fresh from the shower. I hope I get to sleep well tonight.
 
this is incredible - I had contacted the sex educator´s boss in the hopes that they´d revoke the statement. It looks like they will do that. I´m dumbfounded. In a good way.

Having a lunch of ham, pasta, rucola. Going to hit the gym tonight. But I have a psych nurse appointment in the afternoon.

IDK... It looks a lot like things are starting to get better!!
 
Fingers crossed!
 
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