Floater's diary

And still hungry after drinking plenty of water and waiting an hour so I'm having another portion of jerky and crackers and a few pecans too.
 
Floater said:
Kind of like, when I feel annoyed or sad or frustrated at myself for not having certain objects around me anymore, there´s no space in my brain for "real" reasons to be sad or annoyed or frustrated. I don´t know if this makes sense.
Click to expand...
Sounds like creating an external focus for negative feelings to lead them away from internal things that are already very sore. Which could be one of those excellent short-term strategies our brains come up with, like limping, that allow the real problem to heal in the background. But when they go on for too long on or the real problem is too severe to heal without medical attention the diversionary limp starts to cause other problems, like maybe a sore back or overloaded knee on the other side. I'm going to assume something similar is true for less physical problems.
 
Llama said:
Sounds like creating an external focus for negative feelings to lead them away from internal things that are already very sore. Which could be one of those excellent short-term strategies our brains come up with, like limping, that allow the real problem to heal in the background. But when they go on for too long on or the real problem is too severe to heal without medical attention the diversionary limp starts to cause other problems, like maybe a sore back or overloaded knee on the other side. I'm going to assume something similar is true for less physical problems.
Click to expand...
Definitely.

What's especially sad is that I did exactly what I was supposed to do and tried to get help. But I was told I'm not sick enough. Until I was but by then I had done irreversible damage to my body and my belongings.

Breakfast was egg drop soup.

Oh btw. Whenever I start to get sick I see lights flicker. I presume it's a mild seizure of some sort.
 
Had therapy, came home, prepped a batch of vegan soup because I have a friend come over tomorrow and she's vegan. Had the last portion of egg drop soup, packed my swim bag and put the dishwasher on. Now resting while the soup cools and the dishwasher is running and in 45 mins I'll head out to the pool.

My philosophy here is that it's better I aqua jog for 30 mins than 0 mins. I feel exhausted but I need to overcome it.
 
Llama said:
Why?
Click to expand...
Because if I gain weight, my dysphoria will get even worse than it is now, and summer is just around the corner and I still have 10kg to lose to get to my goal weight. Consistency is key and it doesn´t matter how I feel, the only thing that matters is that I put in the work because diet and exercise are the only available ways for me to try and make my life suck a little bit less.

Tofu, soy chunk and veggie soup. Boiled 10 eggs that are now chilling in an ice bath and next I´ll marinate them.
 
I'm glad to hear the soup is great but please listen to your body enough to avoid overexercising and make sure you rest enough to allow your body to rest and build up. I can't tell you where the line is but "I need to overcome exhaustion" doesn't sound great.
 
Llama said:
I'm glad to hear the soup is great but please listen to your body enough to avoid overexercising and make sure you rest enough to allow your body to rest and build up. I can't tell you where the line is but "I need to overcome exhaustion" doesn't sound great.
Click to expand...
Thank you for looking out for me. The exhaustion was mental in nature. I aqua jogged 30 mins and it didn´t feel bad physically.

Eggs are marinated and covered in sauerkraut; four portions, two 3-egg portions for big hunger and two 2-egg portions for moderate hunger. Put rice to soak for tomorrow. Tomorrow is rest day from exercise. I have a friend come over in the afternoon. Autism assistance visit in the evening.

Had half a box of grapes and now I´m having rye bread with marg. Last of my rye bread btw, need to buy more. For dessert I´ll have 200g of Turkish yogurt with frozen blackcurrants and some maple syrup. I´m almost out of antihistamines which I was given as a sleep aid. But tonight I´ll take one and hope it will knock me out. I need to sleep.
 
I´ve brushed my teeth. Going to try to sleep now. If I can´t sleep, I´ll have two sauerkraut eggs, crackers and jerky.

There´s a feeling inside my tummy like I want to cry so bad but I can´t. I could earlier today but now I´m too depleted to.

I shaved my face yesterday. I obviously can´t grow a beard but shaving the peach fuzz makes me feel good. I like doing it just for the motion. I like how my face feels when I towel-dry it and apply moisturizer after a shave. I stopped doing it in October when I was getting really unwell. For four months I didn´t allow myself to do it. Yesterday I did and it felt so good. I told my therapist about it and then I just stared out of the window and cried silently. Because I know it´s not a beard I´m shaving and I will probably never know how having an actual beard would feel like.

After my friend left yesterday I could smell him in the hallway where he had kept his jacket and shoes during his visit. By this I don´t mean that he has poor hygiene, he´s a very clean and sharply dressed feller. But people whose bodies run on testosterone do smell very different to how I smell for example. The scent makes me feel all kinds of things. It makes me a little bit sad. It makes me a little bit wistful, not envious but I would give a lot to smell like that too. Preferably through natural means but that´s not an option. It also makes me want to be closer with people who smell like that because maybe if I were really close I could have some of that rub on myself. I´ve sometimes ended up having sex with men just to imagine that I am them for a little while. It sounds horrible but considering the options available to me, it was the best I could do in the past. The weird thing is that I don´t even consider the scent of a male human especially "good". It´s... gamey, goat-like. A bit dusty somehow. But it´s not about the aesthetics. Never was. It´s about something more profound.

Oh shoot I haven´t let Heikki out for his run yet. So I´ll have to postpone my sleepytime for a bit.
 
During Heikki's run I discovered that he has at some point taken a nibble out of the rubber insulation of the sauna's hot stone box thingy's electric cable. I almost shat myself because the current running through there is no joking matter. I need to figure out if it needs to be replaced. The damage feels superficial but I can't see it well due to it's placement. And fire safety is no joking matter & no shortcuts are allowed when it comes to it. I'll call maintenance tomorrow!

Two pickled eggs with sauerkraut, jerky, crackers, walnuts and pecans. I know it's a lot of salt but I've cried a lot today.
 
That's good that you noticed the chewed cable! Eek.
Floater said:
But people whose bodies run on testosterone do smell very different to how I smell for example. The scent makes me feel all kinds of things. It makes me a little bit sad. It makes me a little bit wistful, not envious but I would give a lot to smell like that too.
Click to expand...
Floater said:
But it´s not about the aesthetics. Never was. It´s about something more profound.
Click to expand...
Aww. I just want to give you a great big hug!
 
Cate said:
That's good that you noticed the chewed cable! Eek.
Click to expand...
Heikki is lovely but he´s also a destruction gremlin...! Left a callback request with my building´s maintenance company.
Cate said:
Aww. I just want to give you a great big hug!
Click to expand...
:grouphug:

Health center called me about my prescriptions and the pharmacist will call me tomorrow morning at 8.30 to make sure that all my prescriptions are in order after the gender marker change! Finally.

Morning started with some dysphoria. Probably triggered by seeing my old friend who´s very handsome, so I look at all the things in my body that I don´t feel belong to me, as well as imperfections that I have only myself to blame for. Like the scarring in my armpits and stomach that I got from gaining weight. Rationally I know that they have improved aesthetically a lot after I´ve lost weight and gained muscle but for some reason stretch marks are one of my biggest causes for dysphoria because they symbolize my inability to "win" against my body and the way it naturally looks like and behaves.

I had planned today to be a rest day because I have a lot going on socially today - friend visiting at 1PM and autism assistance visit in the evening. But I really really want to move my body. I could skip tonight´s SMART meeting and hit the gym instead.

Breakfast: rice and pickled eggs <3 And also grapes for some vit C so my skin can build collagen and my motherfucking stretch marks will hopefully fade over time
 
Last edited:
My friend came over, haven´t seen her since the pandemic! I had made her some vegan soup so we had lunch and I gave her a little spell card and we chatted and it was lovely.

I had a big can of Red Bull and I think the spike in my blood sugar triggered a migraine. It feels like it´s still preventable if I immediately hydrate and take a NSAID.

Having rice and three sauerkraut eggs. Prepping a batch of sweet potato, kidney bean, corn and halloumi casserole. Home cooking feels so much more life-giving and healing than store-bought meals while those also have their time and place.
 
Floater said:
Home cooking feels so much more life-giving and healing than store-bought meals while those also have their time and place.
Click to expand...
Agreed: If I have the time and (mental) energy home-cooked food is the best investment. But when I don't have anything to invest I still need to eat!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top